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AIBU?

Overbearing mil....wwyd?!

63 replies

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 17:25

Or rather what should I do?

I've actually posted a thread about this before! Once again the mother in law , with whom I otherwise get on well with, is not listening and does what she sees fit with our children. Again it's with clothes but the main issue is I feel it's another dig at mine and my partner's choices regarding our children- that what we do isn't good enough and she is better. She makes comments about what we buy and that it's not good for them.

She went out with my partner to buy my son some new snow boots and he then sent me a photo of him with new boots , coat , hat and gloves!
Note -we have so many as we live in a very cold country.
My partner said he tried to say the extra items weren't necessary but didn't take any notice and she bought them anyway.

Do I have to confront her and tell her to stop? I'm upset more than angry and almost want to ask " are they your children or mine?!!" ..I don't want to be aggressive blunt but then maybe that's what I need to do with her.

I thought I could ignore it and look at it as a nice gift from grandma but it's niggling me.

OP posts:

Report

DeadGood · 06/12/2017 18:51

“Actually it's me that prefers traditional woolen items not her , she says they won't keep the wind out. Cue me googling children's hats !

A big problem is I live in a country where the culture is non confrontational- they can't handle it. So it's affecting me. I can't say what I feel for fear of confrontation!”

Ok, so you live in Sweden. I have to say, she is right in that wool won’t keep the wind out. So you need wool against the skin, but you do need a “wind cheating” later on the outside. If you haven’t seen a Swedish winter yet (you said you are in a new country so I’m not sure how long you’ve been there) you really do have to dress the kids warm. I am sure you are really on top of it, but equally I can imagine that your MIL knows what it’s like to be a child in a Nordic country with inadequate clothing! (Snowsuits not being around in the mid 20th century...)

I can see why she was annoyed by the “I know you love to shop” comment, which it sounds like you just pulled out of the air. The Swedes may be non-confrontational, but they also won’t put up with being manipulated.

I do see why her input can be overbearing, but it is also true that this is an area in which she (unfortunately) knows more than you. You will be touchy about that, and she may be on the lookout for any times you get things “wrong”. It’s awkward. I hope you can get past it.

Clankboing · 04/12/2017 23:39

You know in these situations it is good to be the sort of person who makes a joke out of it. I often wish I could be like that.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 04/12/2017 23:23

Lady often people who have already shown they do not listen are quite hard to talk to face to face. Often your in a war you didn't know about with someone fighting dirty.

Zevitevitchofcrimas · 04/12/2017 23:22

Open you said it was wasted your twat of a partner who didn't dress him properly.

You mean her son. I know it's a golden rule to never critise their son but when she is doing it to you because of her sons action
S I think you are within bounds to say, sorry but it's your son who hasn't grasped how to dress children!!

Some really good posts on this thread, I wish we could have a special Mil corner here to collate all this good advice.
Last year my Mil said as she collected dd.. Oh but where is her other coat, the one I brought her, you know, the warm one.

She has also rearranged furniture and brought throws in draping it all over stuff.
A long time ago I started to gift stuff to charity. It felt good op.

I agree with the action part.

.

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 23:09

Yeah that was a bit weird and I think I had a bit of an out of body experience watching it....
Once it was some flowers in a vase - obviously the vase didn't look right to her so she changed it or at least tried to but the flowers wouldn't fit !

OP posts:

ladymariner · 04/12/2017 23:04

Fwiw, I do sympathise with you, but I just don't see this as an issue to get upset about. Everyone is an expert with someone else's child, you just learn to smile and ignore and do what you think is best!
However, I would spit feathers at someone moving my stuff about!!

ladymariner · 04/12/2017 23:01

Good idea, hope you can work this out.

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 22:57

We have agreed to talk about it in person rather than via text.

OP posts:

ladymariner · 04/12/2017 22:54

Why on earth did you text rather than actually speak to her? Texts can so easily be misunderstood, depending on what tone you read them in. You said in your op that you and she get on well, surely it would've been better to talk to her face to face.
As it is, it sounds as if you've upset her, and whilst several posters may see that as a good thing, personally I'd sooner pick my battles and save any arguments for the stuff that really matters.

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 22:51

But she knows we have them.

My partner said he explained this to her and that as they just nipped into town he thought ds was adequately dressed to pop into a few shops and then straight to the car. Not walking around outside in the cold.

He was wearing :

Top half
-vest
-long sleeved t shirt

jumper
fleece
thin puffy jacket

Bottom half

long socks
trousers - thick material
fleece pants over those trousers

Hat and gloves too.

OP posts:

Wide0penSpace · 04/12/2017 22:30

So was your child out in the cold in a woolly jumper but no coat? If so I can see where she is coming from and I don't blame her for buying him a coat.

I can understand that you're annoyed if he has coats at home but maybe she genuinely didn't think he did if he was out without one?

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 21:53

Update :

I did text mil and I said thankyou for the presents especially the boots but please no more clothes . I also said that for us we appreciate her spending time with the children rather than buying them things they don't need right now but I know she loves to shop.

She replied and said excuse her for stepping on my toes and it is nothing to do with her loving to shop. She said it hurts her to see her grandchild out in the cold not dressed properly and that if ,as we say , he has enough clothes why isn't he wearing them . So she then decided to buy him a new coat and hat -however I don't buy what she says because he has several coats and hats.
Of course today it was my twat of a partner who took my son out underdressed!! Grr

Bleurghhh.

She then went on to say from now on she won't buy anything more for either of my 3 children !

OP posts:

RemainOptimistic · 04/12/2017 19:57

The issue here is MIL is using a perfectly normal action (gifting clothes for DC) to communicate a hurtful message (criticism of parenting).

Stop reacting to the implied message. Just respond to the action. Take it at face value. Therefore you're free to do whatever you would do with any clothing anyone else had gifted DC. No guilt, no complexity. If you like the stuff, keep it, if you don't then get rid.

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 19:56

Sorry everyone I need to call it a night , splitting headache now.

Thankyou for all the advice! I'll sleep on it .

X

OP posts:

SeaCabbage · 04/12/2017 19:43

I think you picked a benign example to open your thread with.

But as you are suffering I can imagine that your MIL is overbearing. Moving your furniture is not on. Can you give more examples so you can get more people on board and find some solutions?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/12/2017 19:41

If confrontation is not possible then either you'll have to confront the sneaky way or you can take advantage of being foreign and thus able to break convention by confronting. They will roll their eyes at you being a crazy foreigner but it won't be personal. You can get DH on board with this plan. You stand up to her and then he reinforces the message to her about "oh you know how the Scottish/English/Whatever are, best not cross her!"

I am not from where I live and I have no qualms about using this to my advantage.

If you want to go sneaky confrontation then take the clothes back to the shop, exchange them for something you like. Send MIL a photo of child in new clothes with a message about thanks for the gear but obviously messages got crossed with DH and you don't need any of that stuff so you've swapped it, just letting her know so she's not surprised, thanks again, silly DH, maybe better to check with you first next time.

happypoobum · 04/12/2017 19:41

I think you are confusing "assertive" with "confrontational" it really isn't the same thing.

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 19:26

Actually it's me that prefers traditional woolen items not her , she says they won't keep the wind out. Cue me googling children's hats !

A big problem is I live in a country where the culture is non confrontational- they can't handle it. So it's affecting me. I can't say what I feel for fear of confrontation!

OP posts:

bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 19:22

Sweetpea- yeah right?!

OP posts:

DeadGood · 04/12/2017 19:21

“Deadgood - good idea , thanks . I didn't mean it to come across as if we are using trial and error with our children, it's more a case of we do what we believe is best for our children.“

I am sure you do

What sort of things is she suggesting aren’t “good enough”? Eg. Does she believe in woolen garments while you buy technical fabrics? Is she more traditional?

happypoobum · 04/12/2017 19:21

So if she moves something can you not say "What are you doing? Can you put that back?" "Please don't pry in our laundry room, I like to keep things private."

Sweetpea55 · 04/12/2017 19:20

Your DH tried to tell her but she wouldn't stop,? He's a bit weak isn't he? "
Why can't he tell her straight?

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bellarosa81 · 04/12/2017 19:18

Deadgood - good idea , thanks . I didn't mean it to come across as if we are using trial and error with our children, it's more a case of we do what we believe is best for our children.

Happypoobum- oh she re arranges my home decor as she sees fit. Will look in the laundry room to check on how much we have to do... sadly I think you are right and he is a mummy's boy that won't dare question her!

OP posts:

HouseworkIsAPain · 04/12/2017 19:15

MIL probably thinks she’s being helpful - in that she has brought up children in the cold country and thinks she is passing on what she learnt to you?

Are you absolutely confident that you know best? Becuase it seems as if you are perceiving criticisms when there are none intended - I’ve found that happens when I feel a bit insecure about something. Whereas if I’m confident I’m right, I don’t really care what others think.

She could also just like buying clothes for children to spoil them - just keep for spares and say thank you. Don’t text her how you feel - that would be petty.

happypoobum · 04/12/2017 19:05

I really would not message her about this as you will sound petty.

It is more important to address the underlying issue that she undermines you and criticises your parenting. That is what DH should be taking her to task over.

Were you there when she rearranged your house? What did you say? Or was DH there? It sounds like you may have a DH problem.........

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