To feel so guilty? Parents with children with ASD - please regale me with tales you lost your temper? Feeling terrible!

[VictoryIsAllMine]

DS is 8 and has ASD.

He's in a mainstream school where they don't have a uniform .

This is a complete nightmare as DS has sensory difficulties and clothes are a big issue for him.

I found a lovely jumper DS would actually wear without complaint . It was such a hit , I bought two more of the EXACT same jumper .

Today at 5:50am , DS declares the jumper is not as red as the the other original jumper and therefore he will not wear it

He doesn't just say this though - he gets very cross and shouty.

He shouted at his two brothers who were waiting for him to come down to check out their advent calendars.

I'd worked so hard making them all lovely advent calendars and was really looking forward to this morning to see their faces - but it was just another morning of chaos.

Unfortunately , I also became cross and shouty .

Frustrated because I could see it was heading in to stress zone and also because the original damned jumper was still sopping wet in the washing machine !

I told him "I'm fed up - it's always you! " in an angry voice and as I walked away I looked back and give him a very mean look .

He cried.

I apologised and said I understand it's not his fault etc explained why I was frustrated too .

But now I feel terrible and terrible for his brothers too that yet again , their brother has "ruined" another morning.

We seem to have good weeks and bad weeks with him .

It's been a bad week with my patience rapidly waning - constantly repeating myself , constantly trying to fend off meltdown. Constantly trying to get him to listen and action the most simplest of things.

I'm worn out !

Is this just life with a SN child or am I just a crap mum?

Please tell me you're not all patience and virtue?

[MrsBobDylan]

Don't beat yourself up, you sound lovely and you very quickly apologised. You are just frustrated which is quite understandable. I have to differentiate events between my asd son and his brothers - for example, he might get his advent calendar first in his bedroom then his brothers open theirs so they don't have their experience spoiled and DS doesnt have to wait.

[smartiecake]

My 2nd DS is now 10 and has HF ASD. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I have lost my shit with them, especially my gorgeous DS2. That boy knows how to push everyone's buttons!
Honestly I am not perfect, none of us are. I am not Mary poppins.
Life is very challenging with a SN child and it does have a huge impact on all of family life. Remember that each day is a new day and remember to pick your battles.

[smartiecake]

I often find my son is more wound up at events like Christmas and birthdays and can't cope well with the anticipation.

[doobeydoo]

don't worry OP, totally normal and will maybe help him learn a little. I lost it with my ds when I said I'll be back in two minutes and then when I came back in 5 he started shouting about how he had counted to 120 and why had I lied

[Puppymouse]

Reading this thread makes me want to hug every one here. What amazing parents you all are for navigating these issues every day. It must be so tough.

[Notreallyarsed]

All 3 of ours plus me are autistic, I’d be lying if I said I’d never lost my shit. It’s hard going OP, especially when you’re exhausted too!

We’re currently packing for moving next week and I am trying my hardest to be patient and calm in the face of uproar from all the kids and me in a sea of boxes and stuff and there’s no end in sight (DP isn’t off work until next week). I’ve snapped once this morning, as in snapped at DD who always seems to be standing exactly where I need to be. I felt rotten and have given her her own box to pack now.

[Balaboosteh]

I’m going to go against the grain a bit here. I have child with ASD if that’s imoortant. Chikdren need boundaries and guidance and ASD chikdren need it even more. My DS would happily derail family moments, make it all about him etc. I think it’s fine and actually necessary that you resist that. Having ASD isn’t an excuse for selfish and controlling behaviour. You did fine. Don’t feel guilty and don’t put yourself under pressure to be perfectly patient. You have to call your son out for controlling the family dynamic by sabotaging the moment. For the sake of your other children. And for his sake in the long run. A poster on here once posted this and I copied and kept it because it was so right in my view:
“Someone recently said about DS1 (10) "you'd never know he has autism, would you? What's he gifted at?"

I know they meant it kindly but sat there thinking "that's because we've spent ten fucking years of our lives trying to teach him how to hold conversations, use expression, eye contact, to keep hands steady instead of flapping, to litem to instructions, to smile, to find humour, to love music, to work hard at school, to maintain friendships, so take part in sports, to try new foods, to sleep even when he's not remotely tired, to use manners and kindness, to not retaliate when others goad him, to find hobbies he loves. That's his pissing gift. Being like everyone else, but working 100 times harder just to achieve it". Of course, I smiled and explained that not all ASD children are gifted, leaving off the rest of my rant. But how bloody rude people are.”

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

OP give yourself a break

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

Sorry posted too soon although that was the gist of it

I regularly lose the plot with DS, usually in the morning when the clothes I have made sure are ready for him seem to get lost within seconds.

We live in a tiny flat and I have no idea how he can misplace a shoe that was on his foot just minutes earlier.

It’s almost a skill.

[Allthewaves]

I committed the something sen parents should never say 'what is wrong with you' after he had split his brothers head open by hitting him with a toy - he was 7 at time

[ladybirdsaredotty]

Hope you don't mind me posting on your thread as I do not have a child with ASD or similar (as far as I'm aware-my third is only 6 weeks old). But that's kind of my point. I still find parenting hard, and find it hard to stay calm in the face of the endless need to cajole/repeat myself/be referee etc that comes with having children.

I do, however, work with children with ASD and other special needs and disabilities. I have done similar work for well over a decade. I have been asked quite a few times by parents of the children I work with if I find their DC difficult to manage. This is a very tricky question to answer! But what I usually want to say to them is, your child is completely gorgeous but yes, there are times when I do find their behaviour quite difficult to deal with BUT THERE IS A WHOLE TEAM OF US and so obviously what we do is swap about, have supervision, play to our strengths, etc etc. You (as parents) do not often have the benefit of our staffing ratios, and obviously it is totally different being at work to parenting your own child. So basically, I am saying, in a slightly clumsy manner, that you should give yourself a break.

My colleagues and I regularly marvel at the coping abilities of the parents we work with (doesn't mean they never get frustrated or struggle, by the way-they do).

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

How was dinner last night?

It’s hard bloody work & everyone loses it sometimes, you’re only human 💐🍷

[Hawkmoth]

Mine got a few swears either side of going to the church fair today. We were only there 35 minutes and it was exhausting trying to get them out of the door, stop them throwing themselves face first onto the stone floor or destroy the church Christmas tree then arguing about the tombola prizes.

Two of three that went were asleep within ten minutes of getting home. The other is covering herself in old lady moisturiser and I'm digging my fingernails into my palm as a distraction.

[ladybirdsaredotty]

Hawkmoth Hope your evening is a bit easier.

[Hawkmoth]

Thanks :D

They will probably remember today fondly for ever knowing them. The four year old recounted an impressive amount of detail from last year's fair!

[LoislovesStewie]

You are lovely; my son has ASD and has similar problems with clothes. ( he once wore a hoodie in Greece when the temp was about 30degrees , just because he always wore it) I tried to 'lose' it but as he was red in the face from distress I thought it would be better just to be hot. I have hollered at him and felt awful after. He will probably remind you for the next 10 years though, mine does.

[ladybirdsaredotty]

Hawkmoth ha, it's always amazing the things they remember fondly. With my DC it's never the things I expect!

[pingu73]

Well OP I replied to you encouraging you to not feel guilty and guess what?? I got cross at my son Cos he self injured! Hits his nose when he doesn’t get his own way. So before work and college for him ...he’s in tears and so am I . God what a life eh

[Bagnallv]

Feel for you I really do. My six year old is just about to be assessed but I am convinced she is ADHD and ASD.

Earlier this year I attended this course and it was amazing - really thought me how to empathise and support her better - things are a lot better since. I can't recommend it enough. www.connectionsinmind.co.uk/service/parental-support-group-sessions/