To feel so guilty? Parents with children with ASD - please regale me with tales you lost your temper? Feeling terrible!

[VictoryIsAllMine]

DS is 8 and has ASD.

He's in a mainstream school where they don't have a uniform .

This is a complete nightmare as DS has sensory difficulties and clothes are a big issue for him.

I found a lovely jumper DS would actually wear without complaint . It was such a hit , I bought two more of the EXACT same jumper .

Today at 5:50am , DS declares the jumper is not as red as the the other original jumper and therefore he will not wear it

He doesn't just say this though - he gets very cross and shouty.

He shouted at his two brothers who were waiting for him to come down to check out their advent calendars.

I'd worked so hard making them all lovely advent calendars and was really looking forward to this morning to see their faces - but it was just another morning of chaos.

Unfortunately , I also became cross and shouty .

Frustrated because I could see it was heading in to stress zone and also because the original damned jumper was still sopping wet in the washing machine !

I told him "I'm fed up - it's always you! " in an angry voice and as I walked away I looked back and give him a very mean look .

He cried.

I apologised and said I understand it's not his fault etc explained why I was frustrated too .

But now I feel terrible and terrible for his brothers too that yet again , their brother has "ruined" another morning.

We seem to have good weeks and bad weeks with him .

It's been a bad week with my patience rapidly waning - constantly repeating myself , constantly trying to fend off meltdown. Constantly trying to get him to listen and action the most simplest of things.

I'm worn out !

Is this just life with a SN child or am I just a crap mum?

Please tell me you're not all patience and virtue?

[Titsywoo]

I feel your pain. DS (10) is HFA and although a lovely boy he is very blunt and very very honest. He is also stubborn as hell. DH loves New York and goes there a lot with work. DS desperately wanted to go and he wanted to travel upper class (as DH) does with work and stay in a 5 star hotel (the same one DH stays at with work). DH has wanted to take us for ages and we decided to book it for xmas this year (using lots of airmiles and favours from friends he has in New York we got it at a good price but it's still expensive!). Thought DS would be excited and have left it to tell the kids a few days before so it's a surprise. DS recently decided he wants to go back to Greece he doesn't fancy NY anymore! Argghh. Of course we are going anyway but I steeling myself for a tantrum when we tell him we are going on a £10k holiday . Honestly it's really hard and we are pretty strict with him in general so as much as we allow for his ASD he can't just do whatever he likes. But it's a battle. And I lose my shit quite a lot. Last night he told me he didn't like the advent calender I spent ages searching for - he just didn't care "Why did you get that? I don't like it. Why didn't you think it through a bit better?", I got very cross (and a bit tearful behind his back) at that one.

[TwoBobs]

Kids test your patience at the best of times. Being a parent of SEN kids, you have to have so much more patience and empathy. Sometimes it runs out, I've been there.

[Mytupenceworth]

I feel your pain. My son has aspergers. I lose it at least once a day. I try so hard not to. I've realised its ok for him to see mummy has off times too and has meltdowns! We try work as a family to talk about our feelings and use the zones of regulation as much as possible. If you haven't heard of it Google it, it helps.
We also use mindfulness music and belly breathing. Things I would have said a year ago are a load of codwallop.
Every day is a challenge.
I find preparation is key and wherever my ds is struggling, that's what we focus on. An example, ds I'm getting your clothes ready for school tomorrow you'll be wearing this jumper with these trousers. If he says no I acknowledge his difficulty ask him what part I can change if any and give plenty of praise at the end.
I sound like I have all my shit together! As you know its but that easy!

[MrGrumpy01]

I too have been there more times then I dare to count. We are now getting some Positive behavioral support through camhs so hoping that makes a difference.

And Christmas is coming, oh the joys.

[PickAChew]

It's a tightrope that I've fallen off plenty of times

[Sirzy]

The important think to help cope is to make sure you make time for yourself. I have just finished an autism parenting course and the key message throughout is to “wear your life jacket” - basically if you don’t look after you you can’t look after others.

Take time each week (or more if you can) for yourself even if that’s just a soak in the bath or a coffee in peace.

[Msqueen33]

I have three kids. Two have autism and ADHD. Youngest at nearly 5 is non verbal and screams a lot, turns lights off constantly, routine obsessed, slams doors. I’ve shouted before and I hate myself for it but it’s as stressful as hell raising kids with Sen.

[pingu73]

My son was 20 yesterday bless hi
. He has severe autism and can drive me bananas 🍌
I’m not a saint just a regular person trying my best same as you
Even parents of kids without SN lose it at times

[Angrybird123]

Yep me too DR (8) is undiagnosed with ASD traits. Yesterday he carried his ironed clothes upstairs as asked but then just dumped them on the floor. When he picked them up he screwed them all up and i lost it . It's awful but the anger I feel at his dad for fucking off and leaving me to do it all (have a dd too) sort of gets directed at him when I've had a long day at work and then have to deal with all this too. OP deep breaths, try to see the rage coming and remove yourself for a minute but if it happens as others have said, hugs and love before bed. But it's also ok I think to explain that it's not ok to do xyz and why it made you cross.

[Flowerfae]

DS1, 13 has ASD and learning difficulties, has recently made it a thing that his quilt has to be a certain way on his bed. If he moves his foot and it moves out of position he freaks. It drives us mad, he shares a room with his little brother too (who ends up telling him to shut up because he's trying to get to sleep) then DS1 ends up crying and hitting himself.

Don't worry if you get cross with him, its normal :)

[VictoryIsAllMine]

Thanks again for all of the support and for reassuring me everyone isn't a calm cool cucumber whilst I'm a shite parent

[Fattymcfaterson]

You're not a bad mum

I've lost count of the amount of times I've completely lost my shit dealing my my Asd DS. We're all human at the end of the day, and can only take so much.

The problem is that sometimes we focus on the negative and don't give ourselves enough credit when we do things well.

[VeganIan]

with DS there is no gratitude or appreciation .

He comes across as cold , manipulative and ungrateful

DS is 13 now and over the years my heart has definitely hardened - however his sense of humour as also developed. Today he told how awful my hair was now it was full of grey and that he really hoped he didn't have grey hair at my age. I pointed out that when he is my age he's unlikely to have any hair at all, given the baldness of every one of his male relatives. Which he thought was hilarious

[youarenotkiddingme]

My ds is 13 and has asd.
He’s the most loving and caring personality but can also come across as the biggest brat on earth.

I struggle to keep up with his peaks and troughs and sometimes lose my shit.

I don’t feel good about it but have learnt not to feel bad. It’s extremely difficult raising a child with SN.

[TheWhyteRoseShallRiseAgain]

Not Asd but dd1 has severe dyslexia, Dyspraxia and Add. Yesterday was not a good day and homework wasn’t going well (which isn’t unusual), normally I’m fine but she just wouldn’t engage and was cheeky with it. Dd2 decided to be a pest and wind her up and the cat climbed the Christmas tree,so instead of being calm and diffusing the situation I shouted at them both, threatened dd1 she wouldn’t go to trampolining next week if she didn’t do her homework . Not my finest moment and I feel awful even worse my bf rang later to ask advice for her ds, I’m hardly qualified.

[Rebeccaslicker]

I don't know what you go through OP, but from these posts I think you sound to be very strong and an amazing mum

[JonSnowsWife]

Not at all.

I can't even remember what it was they were arguing over now (so shows how insignificant it was in the first place!) but it was something and I shouted "FGS arguing over this? Why cant you two just be normal?!".

I'd already regretted it as it left my mouth. (DS has ASD & ADHD). Some days is proper full on.

We're all human and all lost our shit at one point or another.

FYI. I have got much better. Like the tike he asked for rice krispies for breakfast. So I made him rice krispies for breakfast.
He took one look and decided he didn't like them anymore. He wanted shreddies instead which we didnt have and he travels to school OOC. I told him its toast or nothing as we have to leave at X time.
He chose nothing. He then went on to tell school that he was hungry as mummy hadn't given him breakfast this morning, and was promptly taken into pastoral room for an apple and a drink and something to eat. You'll never guess what cereal he had in the pastoral office...

[scrabble1]

This morning I'd had enough. After 2 days of DS saying he was frozen and needed a proper parka coat I bought one to the exact specifications. He put it on this morning and said he looked stupid in it. It was too heavy, too hard to sit down in etc etc. Also said he didn't want the one day old touchscreen gloves as and wasn't going to wear his new hat as it is itchy!

[mrsBeverleyGoldberg]

We've been told by ds1's senco to consider high functioning autism. He's 13. I think of all the times I've got angry with him because he had or hadn't done something, when it was his autism causing it. I feel awful. And now I know it's not a phase, his difficulties will last his whole life, I feel worse. I'm also really angry that other people judge him and me because of his meltdowns. I'm angry it's him , I just want him to have an easy life, I'm angry because his brother doesn't get the time he should... I then feel overwhelmed and sad. He can't be trusted to even cross the road safely. Then I feel guilty for his brother, the arguments that me and dh have had about it and guilty that I grew him this way, and that some people are much worse off than us.
It's so hard.

[AlphaBites]

You're not a shit parent at all, your human.

I lose my shit sometimes when it all gets a bit much, my 8yr old (suspected ASD but has LD and SD) can come across a bit blunt and rude at times, other times sweet as pie and very thoughtful and caring.

Homework is where I lose it or trying to get her to wear certain clothing that doesn't make her look like she's sleeping rough 😕 Tomorrow is another day.

[Sidge]

I hear ya.

My DD2 is nearly 14. She has a genetic disorder, as well as ASD and they think she has ADD as well.

She is very fussy with clothes, she's so rigid in her thinking that schooldays are for full uniform, regardless of the weather. She'll wear her boots, trousers, vest, polo shirt, jumper and coat whether it's 2 degrees outside or 32 degrees. She won't wear a bra, only a secret support vest, and won't wear knickers, only boys pants.

She is exhausting. She drains me. She can be the funniest, sweetest, kindest girl and she can be an utter nightmare. She ruins every thing we do - meals out, trips to places, visiting friends. It gets to the point I don't want to go anywhere or do anything with her as she can kick off, or break something, or have a meltdown.

I know it's not all her fault, I know she is as frightened and frustrated by her condition and behaviour as much as we are challenged and exhausted by it, but my god it's HARD. I am ashamed to say I lose it with her sometimes and shout and swear a bit. But I love her fiercely and would never harm her.

Hugs to you. It's bloody tough.

[mrsBeverleyGoldberg]

Gosh Sidge, you've made me feel better. I feel like this too. We've just come back from the horror of his younger brother's Christmas Fayre. Managed to calm two episodes of tears and hyperventilating and two when we got to the car. I know he can't help it, but I hate seeing him so upset. But I can see people's eyes on us. He's 13 but the size of a man.
We went to a stately home, for me a few years ago . Ds1 barged his way through a tiny space on some garden steps. He pushed a man clean off his feet. The man banged his head and grazed his knee. We were horrified, but no reaction from ds1. We apologised and he was asked to apologise. At the time I was furious that he didn't think of apologising. Which I guess he wouldn't being ASD. He's high functioning, so is okay talking. To make matters worse, the man blamed himself as he had Parkinson's. So I know what you mean.

[Sidge]

Bless you MrsBeverleyGoldberg, sounds like we're in a similar boat.

My DD2 is bigger than me (not hard as I'm a shortarse!) and looks mostly "normal" - her disability isn't immediately visually apparent so I think people probably just think she's badly behaved.

I try hard to give the girls nice experiences but it's tough when you're on Alert One all the time managing her behaviour. I feel like I can't enjoy things as much as I have to give her 100% of my attention.

[purpleangel17]

I lost it many times with my ex-DH who wasn't diagnosed at the time but was diagnosed with Aspergers after we split.

I still lose it sometimes with my DD 7 who has some autistic traits (but not the rigidity of thought). The awful thing is I usually lose it when I see her dad in her... I am so scared that if I don't help her manage her difficulties, she will end up like him and if she does, I don't see how she will ever be happy.

I think that is probably even worse!

[OneInEight]

Too many times even though I know the best way to deal with issues is to stay calm. One invaluable tip we were taught in the early days is for dh and I to swop over if we can hear stress starting to appear in the others voice. Really works but not much help if there is only you about. other tip was to take a minute out to recharge (even if only going into the bathroom) before dealing with the issue if you start to feel yourself getting stressed.

It's also worth keeping in mind that the redness of the jumper (or whatever today's seemingly trivial problem is) is not the issue at all but just the tip of the iceberg that sends them over the edge of the stress and uncertainty in the run up to Christmas.