To put my foot down with dh (Christmas related)

[Whatsername17]

Dd is 6 and has written her letter to Santa today. She has wanted a Keyboard for months having finally started lessons a few weeks ago. She's also wanted an expensive Lego set and a crystal science kit for ages. They are on her list and I've bought them. There are some other things on her list that I haven't bought and don't intend to. She wrote the list flicking tbrough the Smyths catalogue so has literally just written down anything she likes the look of - about 8 things in total including the three things we've bought. As well as the three things on her list, I've bought her another 10 presents, iincluding theatre tickets and some surprise (and, admittedly cheap) toys I know she will love. I've spent our agreed budget and I'm done. Dh keeps looking at her list and bemoaning how guilty he feels that we've 'only' got her 3 things from her list. He wants us to buy the rest and I've said no. He thinks that dd will be upset that Santa hasn't bought her the things she's asked for. I know she won't- I've managed her expectations. Dd knows Santa doesn't bring everything you ask for- she's even written in her letter that she doesn't expect every thing on her list; 'I know you wont bring everything becus its an orful lot of things but I really hope I could get a keyboard with yamaha on it please'. She gets it. However, Dh keeps saying that its only another 4 presents (grandparents are buying one of the other things as they wanted an idea so we gave them one from her list). I'm saying no way. She has enough, she understands and she will be grateful. Also, if she gets used to not getting everything she wants then that is a good thing going forward, right? Dh thinks I'm mean. AIBU?

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

I'm with you. Our dc get a decent pile of gifts buts it's not made up entirely of items on their list because I find that children will include things just because they've seen an ad on tv or spotted it in a catalogue, without necessarily even knowing much about it. Ours could write a list today and a completely different list next week, except for the 2 or 3 things they've genuinely wanted for months. Honestly there's a reason why crap is marketed so heavily towards children, it's pretty easy to grab their attention with gimmicks!

We've always bought them some of the things they want together with others that they possibly never knew existed until they opened them and touch wood we've not had any fails so far.

[emma8t4]

Growing up I don’t ever remember being disappointed that I didn’t get everything on my list, in fact sometimes it was the things I didn’t ask for that I loved most. I get ds to do a list to give Father Christmas some ideas, he knows he won’t get everything.

[Italiangreyhound]

You are right. But if you have got all the gifts so far save some or birthday and let your dh buy and wrap some.

Unless your dh simply has money to burn. In that case, encourage him to spend spare cash on children who will really have a crap Christmas and not to spoil his daughter.

We spoil our kids in other ways, treats, expensive snacks and drinks from Costa etc and it's all too much! DS has had so many sweets this weekend, I must get tough. It is hard but it really does them no favours!

Santa only brings our kids one gift each. We, and other relatives, buy the other gifts.

Ds realized at 7 that Santa is not real. DD realized about the same age. So this is not going to be a forever issue.

Your dh means well, but please ask him to enjoy the special bits, which are not likely to be the presents really. Our favorite bits are sprinkling reindeer food on the lawn and leaving out a carrot, glass of milk and mince pie. We also enjoy cooking together, decorating a ginger bread house with a beloved relative etc. So much to do. Not just things to buy. Happy expectation.

[minipie]

YANBU at all. And as a PP says you can save the other ideas for birthday.

Though, in future I would probably get her to write her list before you do the shopping.. .what if she'd written completely different items to what you'd bought?!

[Whatsername17]

I should have said 'We've bought' in my op. Honestly, it's been a joint effort. We went shopping last weekend. The savings account is in my name so I hand over the cash but it is a joint effort.

[Allthewaves]

Im with you. She has plenty. My children are guaranteed to get 1 thing off their list.

[CiderwithBuda]

Bgbluebus - I might try that! Love it!

[Whatsername17]

Dh and I did all of the shopping together so he has very much been included. I save the money (it's joint, obviously), throughout the year. He just wants to spoil the kids. It is well meant. Thankfully dd2 is 10 months so weve not had the same issue with her.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

I'm with your DH too. You have had all the pleasure of buying her things and now he wants to buy her some things too. Or do only you get that pleasure?

[bigbluebus]

My DS once wrote a letter to Santa asking for a villa in Spain with a pool (after we had been on holiday that Summer). If he had been your DH's son would he have obliged? I know we certainly didn't. But DS did get a very nice letter back from 'Santa' explaining that he didn't think the budget would stretch to that

I'm with you OP. What will happen when she gets to Secondary school and she starts on the "everyone else has got" line. It starts with Iphones and goes on to cars when they get to 17? Your DH needs to learn to say no and manage expectations too.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Quite right, there is always her birthday.

[quizqueen]

My granddaughter is allowed to ask Father Christmas for one thing ( about £30) but is told there's no guarantee it will be brought as, if everyone asks for the same thing, he may run out. I let her make one suggestion to me along the lines of a scooter/doll's pram etc. and then I get a few small things of my choice or things her mum has suggested, mostly clothes/craft stuff. Nothing is ever promised in case there is a run on that particular toy and there's none left in the shops!

[RomulanBattleBagel]

YANBU. It sounds like she will be over the moon anyway (her note is adorable by the way)

I don't really like the idea of just getting exactly what they ask for. There is a lot to be said for surprises that may end up being much loved. My DCs have mentioned loads of things over the last few months but it's all met with "wait and see" and they know that Father Christmas brings surprises. Children don't always know what they'd like best, and it's worth thinking of long term playability etc over that one moment of 'yay!' as they unwrap

[NeverTwerkNaked]

Mine have always been told since
They were tiny that Santa only has so much room in his sleigh so they can’t expect a roomful of toys. We’ve done the shop for four children and all their presents (including a massive trampoline) have come to £300 total; so that’s about £75 each and that feels like loads. Now I am concentrating on the fun stuff- Christmas crafts; baking; Christmas movies and stories etc and visits to see the reindeer and Christmas lights

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I 100% agree with what you've done and would do the same myself.
By sheer luck, DS1 only ever asked for 1 thing from Santa every year, he didn't do a list. Of course I never encouraged him to ask for more, because why would I? And so DS2 has followed in DS1's footsteps - they each ask for ONE special thing from Santa. And because of this, I bend over backwards to get that one special thing - so far mostly managing it every year (although the lifesize blue unicorn had to be managed down with an explanation as to how hard it would be to get one of those into a stocking etc.)

They get other things in their stocking as well as the one special thing, that I know they'll like as well - but also always a satsuma (or mandarin, as they're all called in Australia). They always wonder why - but I remember needing to eat mine when I was a child after I'd pigged out on my Christmas chocolate Selection!

Like some others though, sometimes that One Special Thing is something they've seen on the tv, Must Have It and don't really play with it - DS1 begged for the Bat mobile with weaponry on the front so I got him one, but it wasn't how it was on the tv advert (of course not!!) so it wasn't played with much. DS2 has enjoyed it though, so not entirely wasted.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

“Christmas is about more than stuff”. Totally, totally agree with you OP. But I think a lot of adults (including your DH) are losing sight of that. Some of the lists of gifts on mumsnet at the moment are totally ghastly. I can hardly remember any presents from Christmas (although we definitely had them!), but I have the happiest happiest memories of playing games and Christmas walks and making paper chains and singing carols and trips to the panto and visits from friends and family and snuggling up with a Christmas book....

I just want to weep when I see people have bought their child half the Argos catolaogue. It’s monstrous; it’s not what Christmas should be about and if you have that much to spare then share some with the families who have nothing at Christmas. (Not you specifically op, I mean everyone who has been swept into rampant consumption at Christmas)

[CiderwithBuda]

I'm a bit on the fence. I can see that some of what she has listed is only because she had the catalogue in front of her. Cost wise how different is the stuff she has put on the list (keyboard, Lego and science kit excluded) to what you have bought?

If you hadn't bought the extras you bought would the budget cover her list?

I do agree that she is getting the main things she wanted and a keyboard is a big present.

[OwlKiss]

I think it sounds perfectly reasonable, and she has a lovely amount of presents.

But, it sounds from your posts as though you bought all the presents and managed everything, and your DH wasn't really involved. Do you think that is what he is perhaps feeling a bit "guilty" about. Maybe he feels that you have taken charge of it all, and he would have liked the chance to choose something for his DD from her list?

DH and I do discuss presents for the DC, I do tend to suggest more than he does, and have more of an idea of what they would like that would also have reasonable longevity - so it can end up being me saying, "I think we should get them X, Y and Z" and DH agreeing. But DH always chooses a couple of things for them himself as well - they are not generally what I would choose, but he's their dad, and should have equal chance to have the fun of choosing presents.
Perhaps your DH would like to do the same.

[MumW]

This thread might help OH see that managing expectations is the way to go.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3089883-Sons-Christmas-gift-entitlement-AIBU

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

A fantastic present he could give dd on Christmas day (that she'll love) is to sit and listen enthusiastically to her banging away on her keyboard for a couple of hours.

[b35tgr4n]

As an old hand at pressie buying, can I tell you that I was brought up with only receiving presents that fitted in "Santa's sack" (old pillow case ! ), these were often wrapped up in newspaper (never even noticed it was newspaper until I was much older) and 1 big present under tree. this was our main present that we had asked Santa for, the rest in Santa's sack were things that now a day's would be classed as disposable presents, we would get a book each (3 children 1 book each meant you eventually got 3 different books to share and read), a scarf and gloves that my mum had hand knitted, a game, drawing things and always an orange, a few sweets and our own Christmas cracker. I carried this type of present giving out with my own children and my grandchildren. I have fallen into the trap of the "must have" present with one of my boys when He-man was all the rage in the 1980's. I bought the lot ! he played with it Christmas day and boxing day, after that it was never touched again. come the first week in December when we sorted out all the old toys and unwanted toys to bag up to leave out for Santa to collect for children with no mum's or dads, He-man was one of the first things in the box and it was still like new. There is too much pressure on parents to provide children with "must haves", and everything on their list to Santa. The best presents are usually the simplest ones - drawing stuff, a sticky box, a cooking box, dressing up box - take the time to listen to your child over the year, all children need the excitement of the build up to Santa coming and seeing that he has been and left presents. If a child is ungrateful and makes comments about what Santa has left, then surely that is a fault of the parent in making available everything they want. It does not do any harm in not giving a child everything they want at Christmas. Time and memories of family traditions at Christmas are free and it is what they will remember the most when they grow up and have children of their own

[JingsMahBucket]

YANBU and I totally agree with you OP. That said, the idea that a few other posters had about letting your DH buy one other gift off the list might help him feel "involved". (I'm sure he left all the shopping to you anyway and now wants to swoop in.)

In order to keep to budget, would it be possible for you to return some of the other smaller 10 gifts in order to make room in your budget for one of the items from the main list? Don't feel pressured into doing this though.

If you don't feel like having him buy one more gift, showing him all the already purchased gifts physically together is a great idea too. That may help him understand how much there is already.

[BewareOfDragons]

You are 100% doing the right thing. YOu know your daughter. You'e gotten her 3 things she specifically asked for, including a keyboard. And you've picked out some other small things you know she will like. Ideal.

Your DH is being ridiculous; plus, it would be setting up problems in the future where she will think she gets everything she asks for.

Start as you mean to finish ... set the tone for Christmas and birthday expectations and keep them reasonable.

[GrumpyOldBag]

I would only have bought one thing from the list.

Grandparents, relatives can buy other things from the list.

I think any more than that is excessive and leads to spoilt brats.

But I'm well aware this is a minority view on Mumsnet.

And my kids still seem to be pretty entitled despite my parsimony towards present giving.

[Taytocrisps]

Your approach sounds a lot like mine. I've always encouraged DD to write a list but have stressed that Santa will only bring a few of the things on her list. That way I'm covered if she happens to pick the must have toy that's impossible to find. Or if she asks for something that I deem to be totally rubbish. I usually throw in one or two surprises as well - maybe a book or craft set that didn't catch her eye (or feature in the Smyths catalogue) but will be read or played with after Christmas Day. This year DD only asked for two things because she's aware that there will be a few surprises and she likes getting those too. If relatives ask for ideas, I suggest one of the spare things on her list. I don't think YABU at all and I think your DD will be very happy with her presents. But it sounds like your DH is feeling a bit out of the loop and maybe feels he hasn't been consulted. Would it help if you assembled all the presents she is getting to show him just what it amounts to? Or if he selected another present from her list, as SoupDragon suggested.

What would your DH do if she had 50 things on her list - get her all 50 items?