how can people be so ignorant and stupid??

[willothewisp17]

a mother in law one I'm afraid, but bare with me.

my daughter is five months old, was born 10 weeks early and as a result has a home oxygen requirement and reflux. so not just an average run of the mill baby (if there is such a thing )

anyway, mil came for a visit today, and arrived just after my daughter had finished a feed. we keep her upright for at least 20/30 minutes after a feed to ensure her milk stays down, however she filled her nappy shortly afterwards so I changed her (she can handle a quick, gentle nappy change).

what she cannot handle is mil taking it upon herself to pick her up (in the time I was washing my hands) and then start bouncing her all over the place, making baby a 'superhero baby', letting her fall from one arm to the other 'catching her' and then, after my very annoyed daughter began to cry worse than she already was, the cherry on top was her putting her into her bouncer and bouncing the shit out of her.

mil left and what am I left with? projectile vomit. everywhere.

I'm tired of this, I give people the benefit of the doubt (have been very reluctant to allow in laws to have much to do with her) and I get this sheer stupidity. I've been letting in laws take her for a few hours on a sunday but she came back sunday and was just totally off all night and all day monday. so no more.

aibi to be so so so angry? I didn't get get the chance to say no, put her down, before she had her swooped up and jiggled everywhere when my back was turned. it's as if people don't believe me that she does indeed have reflux!!

[AdalindSchade]

when she was in neonatal she was always changed first by the midwifes and I guess it's just stuck with us x

So there is no actual reason for this? Yet you still feel the need to correct your PILs when they do it 'wrong'?

Come on - I get that she's a high needs baby and things need to be done a certain way but you need to unclench on things that don't matter! And speak up at the time - sending passive aggressive pictures afterwards is pretty naff

[willothewisp17]

it is on me, I should have said something, but then everything has been on me since the day she was born too bloody early cause I couldn't keep her in long enough.

she wouldn't even be so fragile and have all her problems if she'd have been full term!

[EverythingRightNow]

She's likely old school what's this reflux malarkey, you're wrapping baby in cotton wool. So so annoying so feel your pain. I mean who 'super heroes' a baby after feeding.

Try if you can to be strict and say no one touches baby bar say you & hubby & anyone you trust for an hour.

Sounds harsh but it's no fun for your or baby. I have GERD and know how awful it is so for a baby it must be hell.

[willothewisp17]

Adalind there is reason. after a whole bottle a nappy change would make her sick, I do my best to try and prevent that. please don't make me feel any worse than I do.

[willothewisp17]

Adalind I wish I could unclench, I can't even sneeze around my baby without fear of passing something horrible onto her. it's not just with others.

[picklemepopcorn]

Adalinde, to be fair, OP doesn’t k ow yet what matters! You get a system and stick to it when your child is a bit more delicate than others. Do t mess with what isn’t broken!

Op don’t feel bad about not c(alleging her- I imag8ne you felt there would be tension and drama if you did. No one wants that around a baby. I think we are programmed to stay quiet rather than risk screaming and cat fighting around our precious babies!!!

[SpookghosttiAndMeatboos]

Mine weren't premie and I used to feed them pre-feed - they didn't always poo after a feed (in fact, poos seemed unrelated to feeds - although other people think that's unusual), so I'd change them first, feed to sleep, then not have to disturb them for a bit.

I think in this case, you just do what suits the baby, and certainly, if they've got reflux issues, being mucked about on their back to change the nappy isn't going to help!

[SpookghosttiAndMeatboos]

arg. not feed pre feed obviously - change pre-feed

[ElephantsandTigers]

Don’t beat yourself up. No matter what brave typists say, it is hard to speak up to someone when you feel they may think you’re criticising them.

[LipstickHandbagCoffee]

Congratulations on new baby willo.i can see it’s problematic for her to be handled so vigorously
Your mil should take her lead from you on best way to handle baby
Let your partner talk to his mum about best way to handle baby & support you

[Haffiana]

OP don't declare war on your mil just now. She doesn't remember what it is like when all this is new and unknown, and you don't know that one day you will look back on yourself and understand exactly where she is coming from.

[willothewisp17]

Haffiana without seeming completely anti mil (because I'm not, I love her) it's not just this, it's many things and going completely against my wishes, when my daughter goes to MILs house on a sunday (a decision I made to keep her involved with her grandchild) I asked to please not have anyone in visiting and touching/holding her as she's particularly vulnerable at this time of year, particularly rsv season (daughter has chronic lung disease and requires oxygen, so completely reasonable to ask this) but she still had people over. I can't win, I ask nicely and I'm blatantly ignored x

[Hebenon]

I think you need to ask not nicely and if she goes against your wishes then make it clear there will be consequences. MIL bounces baby roughly, then you won't be inviting her over until she has promised not to do that again. MIL says she won't have people round but still does, oh dear she can't have the baby again until she promises not to do that. For repeated infractions, you just say 'No. I can't trust you. You said you wouldn't do that and then you did.'

And your husband needs to step up and present a united front with you. If he can't do that, then you can't have MIL over or whatever as it is too stressful for you and your baby.

[Bambamber]

Sometimes you have to give people very simple, specific instructions as they just don't get it. Although your MIL may know your baby has reflux, she may not fully understand what that actually means or the best way to help it.

I don't think you need to confront her as such, because I think it's one of those things that you may not really understand unless you've been through it so she genuinely may not have realised at the time. But have a sit down chat with her and explain in simple terms what her needs are and things that she can do with her that won't cause her unnecessary discomfort.

[FeeLock28]

willothewisp17 , I think it's time your DP stood up for his partner and daughter. Your MIL either doesn't, or won't understand, that her grand-daughter has specific needs due to her premature birth. These are a mile away from any suggestion of your being a 'fussy new mum' (although you are entitled to be one!).

Suggest you have a detailed conversation with your DP, outlining that you expect him to speak directly to his mother and list what she can & can't do with your daughter. How he approaches her or the words he uses are up to him - he's a grown up and will undoubtedly have had difficult conversations before in his lifetime, and this will simply be one more for him to navigate.

Currently your DP is behaving in a rather immature fashion by declining to deal with a difficult situation. This has to change. Once he has actually stepped up to his responsibilities, you can then look forward to having a more relaxed relationship with your MIL, once she has clearly understood the rules.

All the v best. You know you're in the right.

[willothewisp17]

I've told husband that for the time being, my daughter won't go off without us to in laws house and certainly won't be staying overnight which has been suggested (this isn't forever, before anyone thinks I'm being too harsh), I was never ready in the first place to have my daughter out of my sight but was told that this would be good for me, it hasn't been

she is welcome to visit when both me and my husband are together as I don't want to be put in this position on my own all the time, which shouldn't be hard, she works all week and gets home from work same time as my husband and has weekends off the same as my husband (today was an exception).

[MagicMoneyTree]

You don’t need to leave your 5 month old baby with your mil just to please her you know? She’s still really little - I hadn’t left mine at that age. Not saying you shouldn’t if it’s what you want, but don’t leave her just to please others. Doesn’t sound like your mil is following your wishes so why not knock the Sunday afternoons on the head for a while - just tell her you don’t like leaving dd - and reassess when she’s closer to 1? Your mil can still see her granddaughter while you and DH are there. Xx

[MagicMoneyTree]

Sorry x posted

[seven201]

So your dd has chronic lung disease, you asked for no visitors when at mil’s, yet she has ignored your visitor. That’s not just a temporary shitty time like bad reflux after mil chucks her around, but is potentially very serious/dangerous. Do not send you dd to hers again. When she asks why say “because you ignored me when I asked for no visitors; I have to put dd’s health first”.

[littlemisscomper]

It's one thing your MIL making a (stupid) mistake, but to completely ignore you is totally crossing the line. You're well within your rights to tell her that because shes broken your trust, and your baby's health has to come before anything else, you can't have her care for her on Sundays anymore. Sit her down and explain to her in words of one syllable (preferable with your OH!) WHY she can't be doing these things. When your MIL comes for visits in future, if you have to leave the room, to wash your hands etc, give her a task to do so she feels included while distracting her from messing with the baby. Maybe you could keep a selection of picture books handy that you can whip out when she comes, and ask her to read them to your little one, or ask her to sing incy wincy or this little piggy with the actions, or hand her a muzzie and ask her to play peek-a-boo - something that'll keep her occupied so she can't be chucking the baby around. If she continues to ignore your wishes stop inviting for times when your OH isn't there too.

[YouTheCat]

Whilst your child is small, and unable to speak up for themselves, it's up to you and your dp. Your mil is disregarding keeping your dd safe and so I'd take the time spent alone with her away for now.

If your dp won't back you up do you have a health visitor or medical professional you can get to spell it out for her?

[Clankboing]

You are doing exactly what I would have done when I had a refluxy baby. You have every right to be careful health wise too. Stick to your guns :-)

[cherish123]

Sounds like quite rough play with her but grandparents like to play with grandchildren. It might upset her if you say something. Just tell her she needs to be upright for a while and she probably won't be offended.

[Xenadog]

OP, if I were in your shoes I would tell your DH he needs to have a frank conversation with his mother. If she cannot abide by your joint rules for the safety of your child she has no right to have any sort of access.

Your child is in a vulnerable position - more so than others of her age - and you don't need to dealing with a MiL who thinks she knows best or a DH who won't stand up for his wife and child.

I'd like to think your DH will have that conversation with his mother but if he won't you're going to have to do it. I would be brutally honest with her and if she is hurt or offended then so be it. Oh and definitely no more leaving your DD with MiL. She has proven herself untrustworthy and I would not be giving her a second chance.

[UnbornMortificado]

Willow people don't get the prem thing, I have a 28 weeker on oxygen.

At the weekend my MIL (who I like) dipped DS's (15 weeks) dummy into her cup of coffee and went to put it in his mouth, she got a shock when I slapped it out her hand. People are just clueless.

We had to get a sign for his pram saying not to touch him and people still try. I couldn't give a toss if I offend anyone better then DS ending up ventilated.

You don't have to leave your baby with anyone and certainly not overnight.

"Sorry MIL his consultant advised he needs me or DH with him at all times as we know CPR"

"His community nurse says he's not allowed to stay overnight, his portable bottle doesn't work as well as his home one"

"The dietician says he needs to be held (I still do this too) 30 minutes after every feed"

Saying the rules have been made by a professional seems to get better results sometimes. The only way I got MIL to stop smoking in the house was getting a bloody nurse to tell her.

Your under no obligation to leave him with anyone. I won't be letting DS stop anywhere while on oxygen, I'm not being PFB or overprotective I just don't want DS ill. Even a cold can mean hospitalisation.