To let this friendship go? Or offer one last olive branch?

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

NC as if she's on here she'll recognise this. I'll try to be brief!

I have a friend, we've been friends for around 10 years. She is Godmother to one of my DC. She struggled with infertility and eventually managed to have one DC when I had my 3rd DC - they are 4 months apart so we shared the pregnancy and it was really great, plenty of meet ups etc. She went back to work while i am a SAHM but we still saw plenty of each other.

4 years later i go on to have DC4. I knew she had been trying for another since her DC1 was born but it hadn't happened and she'd had a few miscarriages in this time so i knew this would be hard for her. I told her that we were going to start ttc to give her some time to get her head around it.

I fell pg very quickly and when i saw her when i was about 6 weeks she asked me outright if i was pg yet so I told her yes, but early days and not to tell anyone else (we dont share our news with anyone pre-12 weeks normally and i made the exception for her). Obviously it was hard, we still met up through my pregnancy and i made sure not to talk about it, if she asked i kept it short 'all ticking along fine thanks, now tell me about XYZ' etc. I had a horrific pregnancy, in and out of hospital, in agony and i never uttered a word to her as i knew she would do anything to have another.

DC4 is born, again i made an exception for her and told her what week it would be (planned c/s) so she had time to deal with it. and then I dont hear from her for weeks. I understood, i know it must be so hard for her. She comes to see us when DC4 is around 4 months old. She seemed ok but distant.

DC4 is now 18months and i havent seen her again.

In fairness she has also taken on a massive promotion at work, is very involved with lots of charity/church things and has moved house so now about an hour away so i could be reading far to much into this but i really feel that DC4 has killed our friendship and i feel so sad!

Her FB is full of the things she does, all very happy, lots of friends visiting her new place, great stuff going on for her at work and i'm dying to hear all about it and see her but the texts i've sent over the last year have been brushed off/ignored.

I feel so sad that i've lost a good friend, and sad for my DC that has lost their godmother from their life. and basically i really miss my friend!

Of course it could be nothing to do with the above and maybe she just is really busy but its a heck of a co-incidence that it started after DC4 was born. She is now highly unlikely to be able to have another DC of her own.

So should i just accept that she doesn't want to or cant be friends with me anymore? or do i send one more text asking how things are going and seeing if she'd like to meet up?

Sorry its long!!

[Aeroflotgirl]

This is hard for her, and her seeing you (no fault of your own of course), with your kids and getting pregnant easily just brings back the hurt and the heartache. Mabey to help her own well being and mental health, she has decided to distance herself from you, and throw herself into other things to keep her occupied and distracted. I would just pull back and let her come to you if she wants. She has to have time to come to terms with it, go for counselling or therapy, and accept that she may not have another child. That is hard.

[Yellowflowers77]

Maybe give her a call

[GoodLuckTime]

OP, may I suggest you might have over done the 'sensitivity' to the point where you are hanging a 'poor her can't have another child on her' narrative on her?

I agree with PP that it's hard to get the balance right. But warning her you were TTC, warning her of the due date etc all does rather smack of YOU thinking that having more children is the be all and end all, and that you being able to, while she's having a hard time is something to be pitied (FOR EVER).

I may be over egging it, but I have been somewhat in your friends position. Not exactly the same, as having first DC was straight forward. But having another, as we'd always dreamt and planned, was harder. DC1 is now four. During that time pretty much everyone I know that had a baby at a similar time to DC1 has gone on to have at least one more. We have been on a journey of no success, treatment, more treatment, 3x miscarriages.

I have kept this private from all but a very small number of people (in the face of a lot of 'WHen are you going to have another' and 'You'd better get on with it') exactly because I didn't want anyone else to frame my narrative.

Earlier this year, two years into TTC with no success, I looked in the face of the prospect of it not working out, being happy as a one child family, being very grateful for the wonder one DC we do have, and moving on, throwing myself into other parts of life (gearing up my career again, etc). I would have avoided / ended any friendships where I got the 'poor GoodLuck' vibe seeking to label then lack of a 2nd DC as an ongoing tragedy. I think Ariel Levy describe it very well when she said ' you can regret something without it defining your whole life'.

Except, well, some people (some women, especially) want to make not having a child or all the children you want a life defining / never to be escaped/ must be pitied / always handled with kid gloves experience.

Are you sure this isn't how your approach has come over to her?

She's moved away, she's busy with a new house, and big job. She looks happy. Maybe she IS happy, busy, living her life, grateful for what she does have, and not inclined to spend time with someone who gives off a pitying (and patronising) vibe.

I'm being harsh here. And it is difficult, because some women that have a hard time conceiving do consider it to be life defining, and want allowances / consideration to forever be made (though in my view that is unhealthy, but each to their own).

But the pity / condescention does come out a lot in your OP.

Whereas in your second post, you focus on her, and your friendship. I agree with PP, that you should write to her roughly what you said in your second post. then if she agrees to meet, go without your kids (probably - or give her the choice) and keep your catch up focused on life OTHER than children. And maybe you can reset.

[mummmy2017]

I would send her an I miss you letter.

Tell her how you feel how much you miss her as a friend, and that you see her posts on Facebook and so long to be able to talk and go out together.

You really have nothing to lose at this point,

Tell her if you don't get a reply you will leave it, but that if at anytime she wants to get in contact with you, that you would be thrilled to hear from her.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I think the fact she has unfollowed you is very telling, for whatever reason being your friends isn't making her happy.

You can either write a "I miss you letter" like Mummy suggests, don't go into the whys and wherefores just state you miss her in your life

OR, if you don't want to risk the rejection you can make your peace with it , and actually make some cuts at your end so you can move on

I don't think there are any other options are there really?

sometimes people do inadvertently scapegoat people for their pain, and sometimes people cant admit the real reason why they are ending a relationship to themself. Even if she feels like she has a valid reason, it doesn't necessarily mean you have done anything malicious

[User843022]

'Tell her how you feel how much you miss her as a friend, and that you see her posts on Facebook and so long to be able to talk and go out together.'

God no don't do that. If texts you've sent in the last year have been brushed off and ignored that really tells you all you need to know. By backing down with a bit of dignity you leave the ball in her court. Sending emotional letters will just make a sad situation even worse.

[LucieLucie]

Let it go.

She’s choosing not to speak to you or see what is going on in your life via Facebook.

To pursue her would be like harassment.

It sounds like your lives have gone in different directions and she feels like you don’t have anything in common anymore.

Don’t assume her reasoning was due to her sub-fertility.

[NannyOggsKnickers]

I have this exact issue and it is very painful. I struggled with this for a while but I eventually came to this conclusion:

She’s not my friend. Or, at least, wasn’t friends with me for the right reason. A real friend would have been able to be happy for me and sad about herself without lashing out at me or being deliberately hurtful.

I think this is what you need to consider. Is the damage to your relationship with her so much that you will never be on equal terms again? Does it doneither of you any good to have awkward meet ups that leave you sad and upset?

Sometimes it is better to let people go. It sounds like that is what she has done.

[mummmy2017]

I wouldn't normally say send the I miss you letter.
But in this case I think your emotional need to have an end one way or the other means you really do have nothing to lose.
What if she reads it misses you back and wants to see you.
Don't let pride stop you giving it one final go, better to say you tried and know for sure than to always wonder.
Life is to short for what might have been if only you were brave.

[sweetbitter]

It's sad, but it sounds like this could genuinely be a case of (from her perspective) "it's not you, it's me".

It seems clear you have done nothing wrong and have in fact gone out of your way to try to make your friend feel comfortable. But it could be that despite all that, she still finds it too painful to see you.

I have a friend who has done nothing wrong, but makes me feel bad about myself for reasons that are all to do with me and my hang ups, and not her. I am thinking I'm going to have to see her less even though I'd know she'd be shocked and hurt if she knew why. But some things are impossible to just get over/snap yourself out of no matter how irrational you know you are being. And spending time with a friend should on balance make you feel good and happy. If it's not, if it generally makes you feel bad and unhappy, there's anyone a point where you say to yourself why keep punishing myself? It's not about punishing the friend , it's just about not wanting to keep hurting yourself.

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

UPDATE:

And not a good one. Friend posted on FB some pictures of some work being done at their new place. I commented on how nice it looked. She replied to the comment saying 'you and mutual friend must come up* i replied that that would be lovely and to name the date. I spoke to mutual friend also who then text friend to reiterate we would both love to and name the date. And i have heard nothing.

I sent a birthday gift for her DC and now a Christmas gift. Small (£10) but something i know her DC likes. No acknowledgement of either (i know we havent got to christmas yet but i would always text to say 'parcel arrived!' or similar) Then we get a parcel in the post today with a box of chocolates from them addressed to the whole family. just a generic box of chocolates. (previously she had done individual gifts for the DC).

So i guess the writing is on the wall and i am going to let this go. I had a cry to DH and asked what he thought and he agreed that clearly she has decided to move on from us and doesn't want to keep the friendship up.

So I am letting go. It's hard. and I dont want to. But i cannot beat myself and bend over backwards to maintain a friendship that is one sided. I feel gutted for my DC who is her godchild but I have decided to focus on the lovely friends I have (who assure me I am a good person and it is not my fault) and to enjoy spending time with people who want to spend time with me.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice, it really did help.