To let this friendship go? Or offer one last olive branch?

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

NC as if she's on here she'll recognise this. I'll try to be brief!

I have a friend, we've been friends for around 10 years. She is Godmother to one of my DC. She struggled with infertility and eventually managed to have one DC when I had my 3rd DC - they are 4 months apart so we shared the pregnancy and it was really great, plenty of meet ups etc. She went back to work while i am a SAHM but we still saw plenty of each other.

4 years later i go on to have DC4. I knew she had been trying for another since her DC1 was born but it hadn't happened and she'd had a few miscarriages in this time so i knew this would be hard for her. I told her that we were going to start ttc to give her some time to get her head around it.

I fell pg very quickly and when i saw her when i was about 6 weeks she asked me outright if i was pg yet so I told her yes, but early days and not to tell anyone else (we dont share our news with anyone pre-12 weeks normally and i made the exception for her). Obviously it was hard, we still met up through my pregnancy and i made sure not to talk about it, if she asked i kept it short 'all ticking along fine thanks, now tell me about XYZ' etc. I had a horrific pregnancy, in and out of hospital, in agony and i never uttered a word to her as i knew she would do anything to have another.

DC4 is born, again i made an exception for her and told her what week it would be (planned c/s) so she had time to deal with it. and then I dont hear from her for weeks. I understood, i know it must be so hard for her. She comes to see us when DC4 is around 4 months old. She seemed ok but distant.

DC4 is now 18months and i havent seen her again.

In fairness she has also taken on a massive promotion at work, is very involved with lots of charity/church things and has moved house so now about an hour away so i could be reading far to much into this but i really feel that DC4 has killed our friendship and i feel so sad!

Her FB is full of the things she does, all very happy, lots of friends visiting her new place, great stuff going on for her at work and i'm dying to hear all about it and see her but the texts i've sent over the last year have been brushed off/ignored.

I feel so sad that i've lost a good friend, and sad for my DC that has lost their godmother from their life. and basically i really miss my friend!

Of course it could be nothing to do with the above and maybe she just is really busy but its a heck of a co-incidence that it started after DC4 was born. She is now highly unlikely to be able to have another DC of her own.

So should i just accept that she doesn't want to or cant be friends with me anymore? or do i send one more text asking how things are going and seeing if she'd like to meet up?

Sorry its long!!

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

UPDATE:

And not a good one. Friend posted on FB some pictures of some work being done at their new place. I commented on how nice it looked. She replied to the comment saying 'you and mutual friend must come up* i replied that that would be lovely and to name the date. I spoke to mutual friend also who then text friend to reiterate we would both love to and name the date. And i have heard nothing.

I sent a birthday gift for her DC and now a Christmas gift. Small (£10) but something i know her DC likes. No acknowledgement of either (i know we havent got to christmas yet but i would always text to say 'parcel arrived!' or similar) Then we get a parcel in the post today with a box of chocolates from them addressed to the whole family. just a generic box of chocolates. (previously she had done individual gifts for the DC).

So i guess the writing is on the wall and i am going to let this go. I had a cry to DH and asked what he thought and he agreed that clearly she has decided to move on from us and doesn't want to keep the friendship up.

So I am letting go. It's hard. and I dont want to. But i cannot beat myself and bend over backwards to maintain a friendship that is one sided. I feel gutted for my DC who is her godchild but I have decided to focus on the lovely friends I have (who assure me I am a good person and it is not my fault) and to enjoy spending time with people who want to spend time with me.

Thank you to everyone who offered advice, it really did help.

[sweetbitter]

It's sad, but it sounds like this could genuinely be a case of (from her perspective) "it's not you, it's me".

It seems clear you have done nothing wrong and have in fact gone out of your way to try to make your friend feel comfortable. But it could be that despite all that, she still finds it too painful to see you.

I have a friend who has done nothing wrong, but makes me feel bad about myself for reasons that are all to do with me and my hang ups, and not her. I am thinking I'm going to have to see her less even though I'd know she'd be shocked and hurt if she knew why. But some things are impossible to just get over/snap yourself out of no matter how irrational you know you are being. And spending time with a friend should on balance make you feel good and happy. If it's not, if it generally makes you feel bad and unhappy, there's anyone a point where you say to yourself why keep punishing myself? It's not about punishing the friend , it's just about not wanting to keep hurting yourself.

[mummmy2017]

I wouldn't normally say send the I miss you letter.
But in this case I think your emotional need to have an end one way or the other means you really do have nothing to lose.
What if she reads it misses you back and wants to see you.
Don't let pride stop you giving it one final go, better to say you tried and know for sure than to always wonder.
Life is to short for what might have been if only you were brave.

[NannyOggsKnickers]

I have this exact issue and it is very painful. I struggled with this for a while but I eventually came to this conclusion:

She’s not my friend. Or, at least, wasn’t friends with me for the right reason. A real friend would have been able to be happy for me and sad about herself without lashing out at me or being deliberately hurtful.

I think this is what you need to consider. Is the damage to your relationship with her so much that you will never be on equal terms again? Does it doneither of you any good to have awkward meet ups that leave you sad and upset?

Sometimes it is better to let people go. It sounds like that is what she has done.

[LucieLucie]

Let it go.

She’s choosing not to speak to you or see what is going on in your life via Facebook.

To pursue her would be like harassment.

It sounds like your lives have gone in different directions and she feels like you don’t have anything in common anymore.

Don’t assume her reasoning was due to her sub-fertility.

[User843022]

'Tell her how you feel how much you miss her as a friend, and that you see her posts on Facebook and so long to be able to talk and go out together.'

God no don't do that. If texts you've sent in the last year have been brushed off and ignored that really tells you all you need to know. By backing down with a bit of dignity you leave the ball in her court. Sending emotional letters will just make a sad situation even worse.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

I think the fact she has unfollowed you is very telling, for whatever reason being your friends isn't making her happy.

You can either write a "I miss you letter" like Mummy suggests, don't go into the whys and wherefores just state you miss her in your life

OR, if you don't want to risk the rejection you can make your peace with it , and actually make some cuts at your end so you can move on

I don't think there are any other options are there really?

sometimes people do inadvertently scapegoat people for their pain, and sometimes people cant admit the real reason why they are ending a relationship to themself. Even if she feels like she has a valid reason, it doesn't necessarily mean you have done anything malicious

[mummmy2017]

I would send her an I miss you letter.

Tell her how you feel how much you miss her as a friend, and that you see her posts on Facebook and so long to be able to talk and go out together.

You really have nothing to lose at this point,

Tell her if you don't get a reply you will leave it, but that if at anytime she wants to get in contact with you, that you would be thrilled to hear from her.

[GoodLuckTime]

OP, may I suggest you might have over done the 'sensitivity' to the point where you are hanging a 'poor her can't have another child on her' narrative on her?

I agree with PP that it's hard to get the balance right. But warning her you were TTC, warning her of the due date etc all does rather smack of YOU thinking that having more children is the be all and end all, and that you being able to, while she's having a hard time is something to be pitied (FOR EVER).

I may be over egging it, but I have been somewhat in your friends position. Not exactly the same, as having first DC was straight forward. But having another, as we'd always dreamt and planned, was harder. DC1 is now four. During that time pretty much everyone I know that had a baby at a similar time to DC1 has gone on to have at least one more. We have been on a journey of no success, treatment, more treatment, 3x miscarriages.

I have kept this private from all but a very small number of people (in the face of a lot of 'WHen are you going to have another' and 'You'd better get on with it') exactly because I didn't want anyone else to frame my narrative.

Earlier this year, two years into TTC with no success, I looked in the face of the prospect of it not working out, being happy as a one child family, being very grateful for the wonder one DC we do have, and moving on, throwing myself into other parts of life (gearing up my career again, etc). I would have avoided / ended any friendships where I got the 'poor GoodLuck' vibe seeking to label then lack of a 2nd DC as an ongoing tragedy. I think Ariel Levy describe it very well when she said ' you can regret something without it defining your whole life'.

Except, well, some people (some women, especially) want to make not having a child or all the children you want a life defining / never to be escaped/ must be pitied / always handled with kid gloves experience.

Are you sure this isn't how your approach has come over to her?

She's moved away, she's busy with a new house, and big job. She looks happy. Maybe she IS happy, busy, living her life, grateful for what she does have, and not inclined to spend time with someone who gives off a pitying (and patronising) vibe.

I'm being harsh here. And it is difficult, because some women that have a hard time conceiving do consider it to be life defining, and want allowances / consideration to forever be made (though in my view that is unhealthy, but each to their own).

But the pity / condescention does come out a lot in your OP.

Whereas in your second post, you focus on her, and your friendship. I agree with PP, that you should write to her roughly what you said in your second post. then if she agrees to meet, go without your kids (probably - or give her the choice) and keep your catch up focused on life OTHER than children. And maybe you can reset.

[Yellowflowers77]

Maybe give her a call

[Aeroflotgirl]

This is hard for her, and her seeing you (no fault of your own of course), with your kids and getting pregnant easily just brings back the hurt and the heartache. Mabey to help her own well being and mental health, she has decided to distance herself from you, and throw herself into other things to keep her occupied and distracted. I would just pull back and let her come to you if she wants. She has to have time to come to terms with it, go for counselling or therapy, and accept that she may not have another child. That is hard.

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

matilda i would be great with that! before DC4 was born and before she moved we used to go to the pub to chat. bit harder to orchestrate that now she's moved though.

[MatildaTheCat]

Would you feel ok with having a friends with her that doesn't include the dc? Say meet up for lunch or dinner without anyone else and talk about everything else in life?

I'm guessing she has a mixture of issues, busyness, sadness at her problems with conceiving and probably feeling she has little in common with you now.

I would have one last try and say explicitly that you miss her and would love to see her. If she doesn't respond you will know you did all you could.

[Jux]

I usually assume that if someone asks the question then they want to know the answer, so when you didn't properly answer her questions about your pg you could have upset her more. For all you know,she was making her peace with her infertiity and had decided to enjoy your pg instead, but you wouldn't let her in.

Or maybe you didn't conratulate her properly on her promotion?

Enough speculation as to howshe felt! Just do that one last thing, and then leave it. She will contact you in the future if she wants to.

[Mittens1969]

I must say I might well have felt excluded in your friend’s situation, with you not talking about your pregnancy with her, but I think I would have taken it on myself to ask how your pregnancy was going.

Infertile women do adjust to baby news, it’s a part of life, so you don’t need to walk on eggshells really. But you were obviously doing it for the kindest of reasons.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so down. It’s hard when you lose friends, it’s happened to me before.

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

i didn't 'never' talk about my pregnancy, just kept it upbeat and along the lines of 'yeah, a bit tired/sore/sick as expected', i wouldn't bring it up first but i wouldnt ignore her asking. i read so many threads of 'how do i tell my friend i'm pg when she cant have kids' that all mentioned giving the person time to privately deal with their pain before facing you that i really thought i was doing the right thing.

she was an involved godparent before DC4, probably not as much as i am but she'd ask after them specifically and always bought a small birthday/xmas gift.

interesting that unfollowing on FB has been mentioned, i think she has probably unfollowed me, she never likes or comments on my posts anymore, its only just occurred to me that this is probably why - she's not seeing them. which is probably a good sign its over.

will think over sending one last message and prepare myself for letting it go.

this sucks.

[WhoPoppedMyBalloon]

OP can't do right for doing wrong.... she tried to be sensitive and is now being told by PPs that she was actually too sensitive?!!
I honestly don't know how anybody can navigate these situations successfully.
Move on with your life - it's clear she has, for whatever reasons. Stop worrying about whether or not it could have turned out differently if you had done this or that - if a friendship is that fragile, it's never going to last anyway.
You have not done anything wrong, it's just people's lives change.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

Unfollow her on Facebook to start with as daily reminders so so hurtful

You know what - friendships do wane and end and I think it's part of life sadly

You have tried and she has failed to reciprocate so that's a message in itself

It's really sad OP but part of growing up sadly

Also don't torture yourself as to why - as you will never reallly now but assume that the relationship was causing her too much pain

Let's it go - and be at peace

[susurration]

Just building on what Annie has posted, it could be that rather than thinking you were being sensitive she might have thought you were deliberately excluding her. Without an explicit conversation between you about what is ok, crossed wires have led to many a breakdown in relationships unfortunately.

I know it's sad that she is your child's godmother, but in all honesty I haven't seen my own godmother in more than 25 years. I've never felt the lack of relationship a problem for me, she was my mum's friend not mine.

Again, you can't assume what she would take seriously and what she wouldn't unfortunately. It sounds like there were many a conversation that should have been had and weren't.

I'm sorry you feel so down.

[glitterbiscuits]

One last try.

I lost a good friend when I moved 250miles away. We tried to keep in touch. Before she had children she would come and visit, then she had 2 children and only ever came once. I stoped going ‘home’ after my parents died. She wasn’t much of a Facebook chatterer but I was, I kept making efforts but she didn’t and so it sort of drifted away. I haven’t spoken to her now in about 10years. I still think about her frequently. I know I tried to keep the friendship going and that I would instantly answer if she had ever made an effort. But I’m still sad about the whole situation even after all this time.

So, one last effort from you and at least you will have done your best.

Feedback if you get anywhere.

[annielouise]

I think you did what you did with the best of intentions but knowing myself I'd have felt possibly a bit patronised with you treading on eggshells so much, which is why I wondered about it. Very hard to have got it right though as she wouldn't have wanted to talk about it.

Get in touch for Xmas. Could you say you're going to be in her home town and you'd love to see her (perhaps without the kids). Be honest though about you missing her as the dynamic now in her head could be you're 'lady bountiful' with your sensitivity and you view her as the 'poor relation' to be pitied - even if you don't she could feel you do. I could be wrong. I can only speak for myself and it's possible she's the same - I'd have hated you tiptoeing round me, making it perhaps more of an issue especially for longer than it might have been. Yet it would have been hard for me to say anything as whatever I said could be seen as sour grapes. Awkward situation.

[JaneEyre70]

If she's not responding to your approaches, then sadly I think she's moved on. It is awful being the one left behind, but I'd accept that your friendship is no longer what it was. I wouldn't attempt more contact, I'd sit back and wait for it to come from her in future, if it ever does.

[RoundLikeARecordBaby]

annie i really really hope that isn't what she felt i was doing! i really thought i was acting for the best. it was based off conversations we've had earlier in our friendship, i genuinely thought i was doing the best i could. but i can see why it may have appeared differently to her.

i think i may have accepted a drifting friendship easier if it wasnt for her being GM to one of my DC. I have 3 GCs of my own and anything that is important in my own DCs lives is important to me in my GCs life. i feel sad for my DC that she no longer shows an interest in them. i would feel genuinely sad if i was no longer a part of my GCs lives, its a role i take seriously and as she is also religious i assumed she woul;d too.

i will think about the idea of a letter, its a nice idea especially with christmas coming.

feeling very down

[Jux]

Well, it may be retrievable yet. If you just tell her what you said in your post of 10:22 first paragraph (minus the godmother bit at the end) and say thank you for giving you those things, then maybe she'll remember why you two were friends in the first place, before your relationship was subsumed in babies, children and infertility. So don't mention any of that! Just a small message, no embellishment, no second guessing of why your lives have parted ways or anything.

[Mittens1969]

It’s very sad, OP, I’ve been through infertility and it was very hard to be around friends who got pregnant easily. But it will hopefully be less raw for her now so it would definitely be worth writing her a letter just asking how she’s doing and saying how much you appreciated her friendship. Tell her the things that you’ve posted on this thread.

You could wait for Christmas, that will make it seem less like being pushy, as it’s perfectly appropriate to send Christmas cards to friends.