AIBu to ask for help choosing a gift for Mum

[PossiblyPFB]

It’s my mothers 70th quite soon. She’s terribly hard to buy for, and most if not all of the gifts I can recall giving her she’s either returned, criticised or re-gifted to ‘someone more worthy’ like a local nursing home, which is a bit upsetting as a lot of thought and money has gone into them. She lives abroad, where I grew up. While I’d love to get away with sending a very expensive gift of flowers, I know she’d hate that, as last year I did that as she is SO hard to buy for —and so did everyone else- she complained that her home looked like a funeral home with all the flowers and she was upset no one ‘made an effort’. She has no hobbies except apparently watching Fox News, browsing the internet and reading dubious right wing webpages she can’t quite remember following but which now mean a lot to her.. Help!! What do I buy her for her 70th which won’t be thrown in my face?

[AdaColeman]

Your mistake was playing the game, you set yourself up to fail and she was certain to win, because she was in control.
You handed that round to her on a plate.
Get her charm bracelet polished up and ready to pack.

Drink wine and eat chocolate yourself!

[PossiblyPFB]

I took a deep breath and emailed to asked her what she wanted - she waxed lyrical about this cooking instrument thing that’s all over Pinterest and said she was going to send me the link. And actually thanked me for being thoughtful and asking what she wanted. 2 emails later and apparently Dad is giving her that ‘as it’s expensive’ & now I have to wait till she chooses it & then get her some accessories for it.

[Ploppie4]

Blimey. Charm bracelets are tat at the best of times but that takes the buiscuit.

Can you add two things to it which are about you. Then pass it back!

Or give her a new tatty charm bracelet with all things linked to you

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Amazing, goldenhedgehogs

The gift of letting her slag you off OP, via a present! Just what she's always wanted!

[MrsNai]

Membership of the Democratic party?

Or seriously, an alternative gift as then you can support a great cause www.goodgifts.org

[Goldenhedgehogs]

Remember when your mum is the bitch about whatever gift you choose for her that is your gift to her. She must get pleasure from being mean so you have given her the kindness of allowing her to do that. So don't stress about the gift

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Something like this
I've been through this, it's not about choosing the right gift
You know that

[AdaColeman]

Well you've answered your own question! Give her back her own charm bracelet!

She is playing games with you, and will try to make sure that you are unable to win. The only thing to do with people like that is to play their game at a much higher level, so returning her bracelet would "win" the game.

Or stop playing the game.

[ILoveMillhousesDad]

For my mums 70th, she wanted some posh skin care products that she wouldn't normally buy for herself x

Does she like any particular brand you are aware of.

[PossiblyPFB]

Yes giving it back has occurred to me it seriously hacks me off every time I run across it.

Other examples include secondhand clothing (and not usually nice although occasionally ok). Or styles I would not ever wear, unfashionable stuff. Or that are the wrong size. Then she fedexes it all I have to pay between £30-40 in VAT for the pleasure of $20 of ‘thrift shop finds’

[Cloudyapples]

Gushing not fishing!

[Cloudyapples]

If she often donates to ‘more worthy people’ or makes a fuss if she thinks something is too lavish, have you considered donating to charity in her name? I know you joked about a donkey, but maybe you could do find a local charity for the elderly, homeless etc and write her a card fishing about how you know how much she cares about others and how selfless she is Yada yada so you donated in her name. Will teach her to stop giving her gifts away!

[Debinaround]

Give her her bracelet back

[KoolKoala07]

I think I'd just send a card, and tell her you haven't got her a gift as they are never appreciated.
Spend the money on something nice for yourself op.

[Debinaround]

X post

[Debinaround]

What kind of stuff does she usually get for your birthday OP? Some people buy what they like themselves so maybe copy what she got you for your last birthday?

[PossiblyPFB]

theothergirl yes. I think you’re right. I am desperately afraid of having a relationship with my own DC like I have with her. My DH says he will let me know if I ever start sounding like her!

Obviously there are too many things to go into here!

She’s normally a pretty bad gift giver too. She couldn’t understand why I was not raving about her giving me a charm bracelet full of her old charms and a whole booklet with a detailed typed out description of what each of them meant as a thing in her life. (Little things like a telephone charm (we used to have to speak in the hall!), a tennis racquet, (She was a keen player, I do not play), ditto with a sewing charm etc) There were 2 which were of any relevance to me whatsoever and they were a stretch. It was wierd and so narcissistic to give me on my birthday and write this whole 8 page thing up about herself with 2 short paragraphs at the end thrown in as if she was trying to celebrate me the whole time. Apparently I am ungrateful for being upset and have no sense of nostalgia or sentimentality for her ‘special gift’. Very odd.

Thank you all

[XiCi]

Thanks alwaysthepessimist for the book of everyone recommendation. My really hard to buy for brother will love that. I'd given up on finding him a birthday present!

[BulletFox]

God she's awkward I've reached an age where I'd rather have a bottle of organic EVOO rather than some stray scarf or earrings.

She's not letting you know what she might want/need and won't give you pointers so yes, she's playing games OP, sorry!

[Bambamber]

I honestly wouldn't bother. Sounds like she's going to make you feel like crap no matter what you get so why bother sending anything? Failing that, how about making a donation to charity of your choosing and sending her some kind of confirmation of the donation

[IrritatedUser1960]

A copy of Mein Kampf

[TheOtherGirl]

I think you just need to accept that is impossible to buy your Mum a gift she really wants, because what she really wants is to make you feel guilty. The gift itself is irrelevant. What is relevant is her need to try and control and undermine you. She probably doesn't consciously know why she does this, all she will know is that she feels 'better' for doing it.

Whatever you do, whatever gift you buy she will just move the goal posts so that you can never 'win' here. With that in mind just send a nice token gift, and refuse to engage in any discussion with her about its suitability.

[Gimmeareason]

Is she into cosmetics and stuff? If so birchbox or a foodie box - monthly boxes are A Thing.

[londonmummy1966]

I'd just send her the flowers again and if she whines point out that she never likes anything you send so you've given up trying. Best way to stop her trying to be controlling is to make it clear you no longer care....

[Rubyslippers7780]

What about paying for a meal somewhere she likes?
Or something so personalised she can nit give it away...