"If you didn't hold her so much then she wouldn't cry so much"

[Dancingfairy]

I have a 4 month old, it's tough I have to be honest. She cries constantly unless being held which is difficult as I have other kids I struggle to keep the house clean and even go out. According to a family member if I didn't hold her so much she wouldn't cry so much but my son was never like this, he was a content happy baby. Aibu in thinking this isn't true? Or is it?

Meh, I know through experience that it's a phase.

The OP was asking if her relatives view was bollocks. It is.

Yes Horrible, I was being tongue in cheek obviously. If you read the rest of my post I don't think we're saying anything different from each other are we? I pretty much said they're all different but need to self settle - they'll do it at varying times, but need to learn. They'll get there is all.

FFS. Four month old babies cannot self soothe. Actual self soothing isn't learned until much much later.

One of my twins was extremely clingy and demanding but then he was in hospital for a long time and I worry this has done him some damage. However, having twins and pumping I physically couldn't hold them all the time and neither responded well to the slings I tried. I invested in a couple of second hand rockaroos and they completely saved my sanity. When they grew out of those I got Baby Bjorn bouncers which are brilliant and comfort them when they need a bit of rocking and I physically can't. Remember - you're holding her because she cries all the time, not the other way round!

Surely some babies just enjoy contact more than others, and it's fine to do what they need you to do if you can?

Different children need different parenting. Anyone who doesn't recognise that has a limited understanding of childcare. Hold your child as often as you can. She's tiny. Tiny. It's not spoiling her, it's catering to her needs. One of mine wasn't a fan of being held, the other liked nothing but being held. One of mine hated sleeping anywhere but his own space, the other only ever slept when one of us was with him. Both have turned out wonderfully and not spoiled, not clingy, not defective for being parented differently. You do what you need to do to survive. If that's picking her up every time she cries so that the sound of her crying doesn't make you batshit, do it. If it's singing Blue Moon and strumming on a ukelele at 4am, if it suits your family, do it. Nobody else can possibly know more than you do about your DC and what they need.

Nonsense.

I don't think self-soothing exists at this age? eyes 4 YEAR old DD who is still entirely unable to self-soothe

Seriously OP it's just that particular baby's personality/needs and I think it gets harder if you try to resist or correct it. I totally get that you have to attend to other children so obivously try not to feel remotely guilty if you need to put the baby down so you can get on with basic stuff. But I honestly wouldn't be putting her down (when she's crying or unsettled) DELIBERATELY at this point in her life.

I know a lot of babies who never needed that level of closeness/comfort and some (admittedly fewer) who just did.

Realistically you have a life to get on with but I think you will just add ot your own (and obv your baby's) stress levels if you start deliberately putting her down/leaving her howling just because you think you SHOULD be/someone tells you that you should.

I'm not the best giver of advice, perhaps, because my Velcro baby is now a Velcro 4 year old and as I say above, still rubbish/incapable of calming herself. But she's still tiny, at 4, in my opinion. 4 months is tinier still. They will get there. They also turn out to be extraodrinarily loving toddlers/small kids, still keen on cuddles long after the majority and capable of incredible acts of kindness/sensitivity of their own.

I knwo it probably doesn't help but the medium/long game is worth playing.

Plus as I say I honestly think you will just stress yourself out even more trying to fight this unwinnable/pointless battle.

Dont' feel bad that you need to put her down. She will be FINE. But don't try to teach her to 'self-soothe' before she is biologically/temperamentally incapable. I think it would make her more insecure in the longer term.

Good luck, I do know how wearing it is to have a baby who just CRAVES you at all hours of the day and night.

Carry and cuddle. Babies don't "self soothe" as some PPs have suggested, they just learn that their needs won't be met no matter how much they cry.

DS was like this when little.

Lots of “well meaning” advice, but in the end I think you just have to find what works for you.

I bought a sling in the end so I could get on with things but have him snuggled next to me. I gradually reduced sling time and by 6/7 months he was fine being “non cuddled” for extended periods.

He was still a nightmare at sleeping overnight though until 5 years old and he started school.

It's funny, I've known lots and lots of people with Velcro babies, high needs babies, clingy babies, and without exception they were overtired, not napping properly and not getting enough sleep at night.

Yep, because Velcro babies virtually always need co-sleeping. But because the same parents who are listening to the same relatives about 'self-soothing' are also following their crap 'advice' about how babies 'need' to learn to sleep alone, they're being put into cots, therefore not sleeping well because they're not developmentally ready to sleep that way, therefore getting cranky, therefore seeking comfort and sleep in the way they need which is up against mum. Need for attachment doesn't disappear in hours of darkness or at nap time - quite the opposite, it increases, but it tends to be the time when parents try to impose the most separation, ergo less sleep, ergo clinger baby.

I do actually agree with you for a wonder, Lapin but for completely opposite reasons I suspect.

And attachment theory doesn't say you'll cause permanent issues if you don't parent in a certain way FFS, unless you're talking neglect/abuse which we're clearly not talking about here 🙄 It is a well-established psychological theory (https://www.verywell.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337) that infants require physical closeness to a primary caregiver in order to form secure attachments at a later stage. Some babies need it more than others, some less, but the idea of leaving a baby to cry to 'make them learn' something is rapidly acknowledged by those that study these things to be ineffective and pointless.

DD was a velcro baby. In Moby sling she would nap for 3 hour stretches. Cosleeping we'd get 3-5 hour chunks at night, from birth. Was such a revelation after DS waking every hour or less. So wish we'd known about those options for him.

Mine was like that at four months. Resists cuddles and wants to be held standing up at six months. Pick them up as much as you need to, if it stops them crying.

Mine did love being in a sling (went to sleep instantly regardless of mood prior to going in - sadly he's more interested in looking at things than sleeping now). He also loved his vibrating bouncy chair, though again he's grown out of that now and likes chewing the toys on the baby gym more.

Whats a "velcro baby" ?
You are the adult and if you need to do other things (which Im sure you do) Leave her to cry a bit. It won't harm her at all.

There's no evidence that your baby will learn anything helpful by being left to cry so ignore any advice to do so.

There's no reason to think your baby will be harmed by being put down and left to cry for short periods while you look after other children, go to the toilet, shower, cook etc.

Your baby will not benefit from having a mother who is unable to look after herself or her other children and consequently feels crap .

Hold your baby when you can, give yourself permission to take breaks when you need them and remember that this phase doesn't last forever. My DD1 was just like yours and I wore her for a long time. She also caused me to be chronically sleep deprived for several years. She's now 20, at uni and I'd give a lot to cuddle her right now.

My eldest was like this and my family said similar - however she always out lasted them and their attempts to sort her.

Found a sling she'd tolerate which helped, though she was easier to hold than many babies wanting to be upright rather than classic baby hold - but having a vibrating bouncy chair helped the most.

TBH I really wished I'd invested in a swing - just so I could do things without her getting so upset - mainly as I found it very distressing.

Next baby wasn't so demanding which proved it was us and holding - then next one was same as first but by then we were considered experienced so got no comments.

I don't think it was anything we did just temperament. It did get easier as they got older.

OP. Do what you need to do. I actually think that reading through all these messages, slowly and surely is the way. Leave her to cry when you need to do things for short periods. Don't feel guilty at all about having to do this.

4 month old children can be precocious.

I cuddle as much as I can. The time goes so quickly. I personally didn't have a baby just to put it down to cry and crack on with my day.

Daydream how many kids do you have? No one wants to ignore their children but do I say dd we aren't doing your spellings tonight I'm busy cuddling or ds I don't care if you want feeding I didn't have this baby to put it down!! Sometimes you have to 'crack on' with the day! Clothes need washing, I refuse to live in a dirty house and there are others to consider!

Daydreamer did your older children cook their own meals and wash their own clothes? Second and subsequent babies have to slot in and sometimes that means they have to wait a few minutes to be fed or changed or whatever.

Also op in a month she will be old enough for a jumperoo and I can't recommend enough!! It will change your life!!!

Threenme. I have two. Sorry you took that so personally.

I didn't take it personally at all daydream! I just think it's a little idealistic and sometimes not possible! it made me think, wrongly (sorry) you must have just the one! Maybe you're just much more organised than me! I suppose things take longer here because I have to repeat myself a million times before anyone listens!

No, I can see how you came to that conclusion Threenme, because I only made reference to my newborn. My eldest is not a baby anymore.

And tbh, I was projecting. I have had this said more than a few times to me. I'm certainly not organised. I guess that sometimes you say things anonymously that you might want to say to someone IRL. I should just grow some and do that.

I don't know! I often think if we all said what we thought all the time we'd all have no friends left!!! Especially when it comes to kids!!

I was going to suggest a sling too. It frees up your hands to get on with things but the baby still has the security and close contact. Mine was a godsend.