"If you didn't hold her so much then she wouldn't cry so much"

[Dancingfairy]

I have a 4 month old, it's tough I have to be honest. She cries constantly unless being held which is difficult as I have other kids I struggle to keep the house clean and even go out. According to a family member if I didn't hold her so much she wouldn't cry so much but my son was never like this, he was a content happy baby. Aibu in thinking this isn't true? Or is it?

[silverbell64]

Its not bollocks actually and yes they can learn to self sooth at 4 months old. The OP seems to find holding her all the time difficult (as I would). I also wouldn't want to wear a sling either.

[Silverthorn]

I find the opposite to be true. The more you "lovebomb" them, the less they want you.
However, with ds2 i found when he was left to grumble (not proper crying) for a few minutes undisturbed he would drop off to sleep. There is a difference though.

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

My ds2 was exactly like this!
I did try putting him down and doing things, but he just cried and cried. He was quite a refluxy baby so was probably just very uncomfortable when lying flat. No amount of being 'firm' was going to change that.
I did what I could one handed, made DH step up a lot more and then only put him down if I really had to.
Far from ideal, but that's how he was. He's three now and a very independent little chap. I was expecting a tonne of problems starting preschool, but he's doing fine.
My eldest was the content baby, happy to gurgle away wherever he was put. He's really very shy now he's older.

[Anatidae]

I couldn't use a sling (back and hip issues) but I had a koala baby (still rather clingy even at 2yo...)

We tried all the ccc stuff - just made him worse. The only thing that ever improved things was cuddling on demand.

All babies have different temperaments - ours is a clingy cuddly separation angsty little guy. I cuddled him as much as I could. I also put him down to go for a pee sometimes.

Do what you feel is the best for you and the baby - they don't manipulate you, some are cuddlier than others. Don't feel bad about five mins howling while you use the loo and don't feel bad about cuddling either.

[Cornettoninja]

Thing is it really doesn't work for all babies. They're not all alike.

I cannot emphasise exactly how hard I tried to get dd to self soothe, settle independently and she just would not. I didn't try just once I tried for months thinking routine would crack it. It didn't. Now I think I did more harm than good and created an issue that would have existed otherwise if I'd spent her first year accomadating her needs instead of trying to force her into behaviours that just weren't natural to her.

All it achieved was a mother berating herself for being shit whilst others helpfully openly judged me as shit.

Dd is still a very cuddly child who needs company. I'm still very much an introvert who needs time out to clear my head. There is no way on this earth I wouldn't have tried anything and everything to get that time - it almost broke me mentally. But I believe that was more to do with others insinuation I was shit instead of reassuring me some kids just are that way.

OP my point isn't to say attach the baby to you at the cost of every thing else, more that it's okay to follow your instincts but not to stress if it's not always possible

[cathf]

'Tell your relative to piss off' - would anyone really do this??

[Louiselouie0890]

I don't ignore my daughter but I do give a little chance to try and self settle. I think it's an important lesson.

[Cornettoninja]

lapin I don't disagree but what do you do when cc doesn't work and the only way to rest them is to hold them? Dd would howl for ages fall asleep for ten minutes then rewake and instantly resume howling. Repeat that for a couple of hours for a few months and keep your sanity. It would have been easier and healthier for us all to just let her sleep where she was happiest

[Only1scoop]

Self settling

You'll soon have it cracked.

[Horriblehistories]

Utter bollox ime. The only people that say this are those who have had babies that will eventually settle alone.

My first was one of those. My second was a baby who needed to be held all the time.

If I tried to pop him down to self settle he'd simply scream louder and louder and eventually make himself sick.

You know your baby better than anyone else.

Also clingy baby doesn't = clingy forever.

My clingy baby is now a toddler, and although he's still a little highly strung, he's sociable and confident.

[Horriblehistories]

Having said all that.

If you need to have a shower, have some dinner or just take a breather. Don't feel terrible for letting the baby cry.

You've got to look after yourself.

[BluePheasant]

I echo pp's who have suggested a sling. Changed my life with dd1, felt such a relief to have hands free and be able to get things done while keeping baby happy they do grow out of it, just some take longer than others.

[cathf]

Peng, I agree with you wholeheartedly and I do think that people who advise struggling mums to 'enjoy your baby' have not had a crier - a real crier - themselves.
My first baby literally screamed from 8am - 6pm every day until he was three months old. He would not nap but was a good night sleeper.
Nothing could sooth him - the HV described him as a discontented baby.
If I had held him constantly, I would have got nothing done - no shower, eating or anything else.
I had no choice but to let him cry, but I do not look back at that time with any enjoyment.

[Pumperthepumper]

Neither of mine would self-soothe, its nonsense. If you have that kind of baby then you have to just ride it out. It is so, so hard, I don't say 'ride it out'easily -DD was so difficult. But it will get easier, four months is still very little.

[Threenme]

Sorry op I'm of that school of thought too. Hope things get easier for you

[DartmoorDoughnut]

@silverbell64 www.google.co.uk/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/amp/

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I'm sort of on the fence tbh. New babies - first 3 months in particular - really need that closeness. But as they get older they do need to learn to self settle. Some will do it earlier than others, but they all get there in the end or people would have 18 year olds in bed with them. The question is, what do you deem is acceptable?

I say this though having had two children, neither of whom were criers and both of whom needed virtually no work to encourage self settling. I know how blessed I am. Both were carried around in my arms or a sling for the first three months, neither of them are clingy - both very independent actually - so I know now that when they want carrying/ cuddling it's for a good reason (coming down with a cold, going through a short phase etc).

[silverbell64]

Whats google got to do with it Dartmoor?

If mum is feeling stressed by always having to pick up a crying child at 4 months old then she is very within her rights to not do so. The child will be fine.

[Subtlecheese]

Sling, bouncy chair, occasional glass of wine. If someone offers to take one or both for a walk to the park then let them.
.

[Horriblehistories]

I disagree that people would end up with 18 year olds in bed with them. No 18 year old is going to want to sleep in their mums bed. If they do then there are probably issues beyond not having left them to cry at 3 months old.

You can try to get babies to settle on their own, for your own sanity if nothing else, but it doesn't always work.

Doesn't mean you shouldn't keep trying, but if they are clingy and won't be put down, it doesn't mean it's all the mum's fault for holding them too much. Some babies just need holding more than others. No two people are the same.

[buttfacedmiscreant]

I had one like that, he is a teen now, after the toddler years this one is more independent than the baby who wanted down all the time.

I spent way less time with people who said unsupportive things like that and more time with family members who said "here, give me the sling and the babe and go have a bath" or "you are doing great"

[DartmoorDoughnut]

It's a link to an article by Sarah Ockwell-Smith explaining brain development and why babies can't learn to self soothe Silver It might be interesting reading, or not.

[silverbell64]

I don't really care about articles to be fair Dart. I do however know through experience that picking up a 4 month old whenever they cry if you need to do whatever else needs to be done isn't the way to go and mum doesn't have to.