To be mad at my partner for drinking during pregnancy

[coldair]

Our second baby is due in a few months and all through pregnancy my wife has drank alcohol. Not a lot, but at least one alcoholic drink every other day. A glass of wine or a beer - we aren't talking tequila shots.
I feel so strongly against it. I really do not understand why any parent would take any risks that could harm their baby or child.
She says I am over reacting and that one drink a day is fine - I've found many research papers that disagree with this.
For context, she did have the odd glass of wine with our 1st but we are talking maybe 4 glasses over 9months. But I think because he is fine (but as i have discovered probably too young to really tell) I think she feels
Like he's fine so I can push harder this time?!

What would you guys do in this situation?
Should I just chill out?

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Oh yeah BakedBeans....forgot to add hair dying to the list of equal risks.

Anyone who judges pg women for the odd glass of wine......hope you never dyed your hair, or had your nails or eyebrows done while pg.

Otherwise you are the worst kind of fucking hypocrite

[Mammy2myboy]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think you're having a scout to see what the general consensus is and it's evident you've done some research. I think you care about your wife and your baby- not being controlling. On the other hand there is very little you can do other than express your concern. It's her body and choice. My husband didn't want me to drink through my pregnancy but he is absolutely not controlling but was worried. I had about 4 drinks throughout the pregnancy (Xmas.. holiday... etc) but I just didn't fancy it really. I think it can be tough on the partner who isn't actually pregnant.

[mumofone234]

But there's a big difference between different types of 'risk'. Nobody needs to drink alcohol so much that they can't give it up for nine months. If you're so unwilling to change any aspect of your life, starting with this, motherhood probably isn't for you. OP, I agree with you, but it seems we're in a (responsible) minority. Don't care if that sounds judgey.

[BakedBeans47]

Oh don't forget hair dyeing as well plenty of people had judgey pants about that too. Again heaven forbid we might want to take pride in our appearance when we're doing our incubator stint

I find so many attitudes towards pregnant women absolutely depressing.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

So you did get in a car then mumofone234???

Did you absolutely need to?

It's not a ridiculous analogy, with the exception of some v extreme circs, no one needs a car, I manage!

If you didn't really "need" the car, then it's just as much of a personal choice about risk as the odd glass of wine.

Your reluctance to answer just tells me that you know I'm right, sorry.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

And as a repeat....

Hands up who rode horses/drove cars/ did sports/ skiing/ swimming whole pg???
Most of you again???

Just as risky as the alcohol intake of the OPs partner.

Did you think you should minimise those risks, or is it just the ones you can hoik your judgey pants at, huh??

[allthecheese]

I am sure this has probably been quoted already but read Expecting Better.

Your baby and your partner are fine. You are being 100% unreasonable.

[mumofone234]

The car analogy is so ridiculous that I'm not even going to engage with it beyond this.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

@mumofone234
Did you get in a car while pg??

I'm surprised..'there is no safe way to travel in a car, and you put your child at risk for no reason.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Oh yeah.... hands up who used cleaning chemicals while pg??

Like Febreeze or Mr Muscle??

Most of you???

Yep, on a level of dangerous with those 4 units a week to an unborn child.
And you didn't need them either.
Could have used loads of different things, bet you didn't bother though.

Love how all these "perfect" judgemental mothers wouldn't have thought twice about squirting a bit of Febreeze around, or getting in the car, but will judge a healthy, normal amount of alcohol intakr, like they don't carry the same risks!

[mumofone234]

I'm also surprised at how many people are saying this is fine - it's really not. There's no safe limit for drinking during pregnancy, so it's pretty poor. However, I don't see that there's much you can do about it. Hmm.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Hear, fucking hear Holger.

Fuck sake.

Despite what people would like, I am grateful I live in a country where my body is my fucking own, and no one has a right to tell me what to do with it.

People do things all the time that are "dangerous".
Women going horseriding/swimming/driving/skiing in pg are applauded for getting on with it, and living their lives, despite those activities being actually more dangerous to the unborn child than the odd fucking glass of wine.
(note: I am not talking about drinking to excess, just a normal amount of consumption)

[OutComeTheWolves]

Surely you can abstain for 9 months?

But why? Nobody has asked me to abstain from using cleaning products in case the chemicals affect the baby's development or abstain from driving in case I crash and lose the baby or to abstain from going to work because we know how bad stress is for an unborn child!

Of course they haven't because that will start to have an impact on other people and we can't have that. We should be martyrs and concern ourselves with greatly exaggerated 'risks' born of poorly conducted research, but only when it impacts ourselves.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

What I’m trying to say is that if there is a risk however small, and completely unnecessary, why take it?

Did you drive/get in a car while pg??
Bet you did.

I don't drive...so don't give me the "it was necessary" arguement, I live without a car most of the time.

There are many, many more cases of death through road accidents, than there are FAS cases.
If you didn't stop driving, why did you take that risk??
When you could have walked or got a bus??

See how silly that sounds??

No, no one needs to drink unless they have a problem, but equally, no one needs to eat ham/soft cheese/shellfish/undercooked steak when they are pg, but they fucking do.

All of these are seen as minor transgressions, despite being as potentially harmful to a foetus as a small glass of wine every other day.

Small amounts of so many things are ok really, especially compared to kids born to smack addicted mothers, serious alcohol issues, or neglect.

I know a kid with FAS, his mother is in a totally shit place and while I wouldn't have drunk what she did, I have absolutely no fucking right to judge her, despite my opinions, as her situation is fucking awful.

[HolgerDanske]

FFS some people have a really very slim grasp of the principle of bodily autonomy.

It is her body, her life, and, absolutely correctly, her choice.

That is the reality of it. Whether or not you personally agree or would choose to do similarly is of absolutely no consequence, so please do spare us and all mothers-to-be your hand-wringing, moralising clap trap.

The lack of intellectual capability of some people is just astounding. No wonder the dystopian nightmare is never far off.

[TheCatsMother99]

OP, I'd feel the same as you of I was in your shoes. Her body, her choice, yes, but the baby doesn't have a choice so, personally, I don't think it's fair on the baby to drink that much.

NHS website classes no more than 3-6 units a week as a moderate drinker - thats for someone who isnt pregnant. A glass of wine every other day falls in to this category.

I'm actually quite surprised at the number of people who've said to chill out. I wouldn't go ballistic but I would keep on at her and encourage her to cut right back. It's 9 months of your life, not forever!

[TalkinBoutNuthin]

I agree with others, that the UK measurements of NIL are based on the fact that women can't be trusted to be truthful and to show common sense.

If they say a drink a few drinks a week, then they think women will go and down three drinks in a row, and lie about it.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

A long term study in Denmark showed that even very low consumption of alcohol during pregnancy correlated with lower sperm counts in adult males. There may be a safe level but if so, we don't know it yet so the best advice is to abstain.
Interesting....but how does that correspond to the fact that western sperm counts have declined dramatically over recent years, in line with the reduction of alcohol consumption in pg?

So the levels of drinking have gone down, but sperm count is also down.
Lifestyle factors have got hugely better, people are healthier than ever before, but sperm is still really low, in fact lower than when everyone drank and smoked in pg. There might be other factors you know.

Sooo...... correlation not necessarily being causation??

[Hopefully001]

But you are stating the most extreme cases here.

Do you really believe that in countries where a glass of wine with dinner is normal for pg women, that their kids are somehow damaged??

So most of Europes kids are inherently damaged??

I'm sure the German mothers I know, who drank during pg, to the amount advised by their doctors will be interested to hear that their over achieving, clever kids have been damaged terribly by the small beer they drank.

I too have direct experience of FAS, but a few units every week is categorically not the same as a full blownpiss up/addiction.



Of course one of my children’s cases was indeed extreme. What I’m trying to say is that if there is a risk however small, and completely unnecessary, why take it?. Why risk the possible impact on the child?. Surely you can abstain for 9 months, it’s not that hard. The worrying thing is that they don’t know the safe limit, they haven’t got a clue, so why not just not drink and that way there is no risk.

But each to their own, I just know what I do now, I’d never take that risk.

[SleepingStandingUp]

her baby her choice
So if she mainlining ecstasy it would be all cool despite the reality of any impact bring on the child to live withfor the great of their lives.
It is her body and therefore there's nothing he can do but I would be judgemental if it was a friend let alone my child. And it is THEIR child

[Ttbb]

Not st all, that's no different to putting a drop of brandy in a baby's bottle to help them sleep. It may not harm them, plenty of people have done it but that doesn't make it ok.

[LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle]

Well firstly I am so disappointed to see all these comments from people who think that drinking even a drop let alone a glass of wine every other day is ok. As a mother of two children who were born addicted to alcohol and spent their first six months in intensive care being withdrawn from such toxic liquid, I can tell you, it’s no walk in the park. There’s a condition called FAS or FASD otherwise known as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Spectrum Disorder, both are very real and very damaging. Every drop of alcohol has an impact on the unborn child, throughout their development in the womb. So for example you could have a glass of wine when the brain, or eyes are developing but that alcohol will then have an impact on that development.

But you are stating the most extreme cases here.

Do you really believe that in countries where a glass of wine with dinner is normal for pg women, that their kids are somehow damaged??

So most of Europes kids are inherently damaged??

I'm sure the German mothers I know, who drank during pg, to the amount advised by their doctors will be interested to hear that their over achieving, clever kids have been damaged terribly by the small beer they drank.

I too have direct experience of FAS, but a few units every week is categorically not the same as a full blownpiss up/addiction.