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AIBU?

to get stressed about DS not being invited to party...

39 replies

madamez · 29/03/2007 12:47

Went to our regular Thursday parent&toddler group to find the place damn near empty - it turned out that almost everyone else was at the birthday party of one of the kids that goes there. Basically it seems that the only mums& kids not asked were me and DS, and another mum whos DD is only 7 months old (all other kids in between 20 months and 3 yrs). It's a small group, generally about 10 regular kids.
Now, I'm quite aware that DS, at 2.6 is really too young to be bothered one way or the other, but It's kind of nagging away at me. I freely admit I've got f all in common with the other half-dozen mums, being about 15 years older than the oldest one for one thing, and I do have a bit of difficulty getting on with "normal" people. Basically, I'm not bothered that these women are not my friends, I don't desperately want to be friends with them. But I worry about the future for DS. Have I really got to teach him that craven conformity is the only way to have any friends? Or am I getting in a flap about nothing, because once he and other kids are a bit older they will just be* friends with each other whatever their parents think of one another...

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onlyjoking9329 · 29/03/2007 20:25

How sad MTPW, i would invite both of your boys no problem, my 3 have autism and it took a while for DS who is the only one in mainstream to get any invites to parties or for tea. DS had a party and invited the whole class, from then onwards he has always been invited,
Madamez, it must be hurtful and hard to understand why you were not invited, could it have been a mistake could they have handed the invites out when you were not there maybe? Make sure when you do a party that no one gets left out and hopefully your DS will have a great time and will start to get invites from others.

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imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:21

Sorry, that sounds rubbish, madamez, I mean I'm also an older mum and there is a real clique of younger mums who meet at the school gates. They say hello to me but it's never gone beyond that and I'm sure dd won't be invited to any parties. Unless she chums up with one of their kids and the kid invites her of course.

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imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:19

madamez, just a thought, but do you think the much younger mums at your toddler group already maybe know each other and socialise outside the group setting? That might be how you got left out, if indeed you did. Plus you yourself say you have nothing in common with them and that they're 'normal' (I'm curious to know why you're abnormal? ) maybe they've picked up on that and assumed you wouldn't want to go anyhow?

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imaginaryfriend · 29/03/2007 20:17

mtpw, these stories of your ds are so sad. But not untypical I think. There's an autistic girl in dd's class who dd is rather fascintated by as she has a slightly 'unreal' in her own world quality that I think dd relates to. When this girl had her 4th birthday party her mum invited the class and only me, dd and 2 other kids turned up. The girl didn't mind but dd thought it was very sad for her. It made her love the girl all the more though!

I guess you've thought about this a lot more than me, but I'm at a loss as to know what to do about getting SN kids more 'accepted' outside of school. Incidentally we invited the girl I mentioned above to dd's party, she came, and I think she had a good time, hard for me to tell. She liked the balloons.

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LilyLoo · 29/03/2007 20:13

PMG mtp that's so terrible for your DS. I know kids can be cruel but the parents thats inexcusible in my book.

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mytwopenceworth · 29/03/2007 20:08

i only had one party for him and invited his whole class but only one person came (apart from family). a few had said they couldn't make it when invited but most just didn't come. i had made a cake and loads of food and everything and it all got wasted. big row of party bags that never got given out .

he didn't give me any indication that he knew or cared - at that stage he was very much in his own world, but i sobbed for days and never spoke to any of them again. bloody hell, i'm filling up just remembering it! that was in the area we used to live, not up here, but the pain was so great that i never want to go through that again, so wanted some sign first iyswim, like - a party invite. does that make sense? especially since now he is more aware and i am sure that something like that happening now would really hurt him. having had it happen once, i don't want to take the chance. i can't do that to him. (or me, selfish as that sounds!)

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madamez · 29/03/2007 13:52

My2pwth, that is wretched, I'm so sorry for you and your boys. Thinking it over: I do actually reckon it was a bit thoughtless of the birthday girl's mum to invite all but 2 of the other mums and then hold the party while toddler group was on. It's quite hard for that not to look a bit... well... pointed. FWIW the only other mum not asked has a DD who is much, much younger than the other kids and she has not been coming to the group for that long or that often. Yes she and I had a nice chat and the two group staff were there (obviously) with their own DCs so we had a reasonable time.

Actually, thinking about it even more, I could just be being really paranoid, and one or two of the other mums and toddlers might not have been invited to party either, and might simply have not been at the group due to other engagements or kids being ill or something.
Shall rise above it

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BigEggLittleEgg · 29/03/2007 13:48

mytwopenceworth - I want to cry for your DS1 too. It must be very upsetting. Does he care? Am sure he is a lovely lad. Have you had parties for him and invited people?

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mytwopenceworth · 29/03/2007 13:34

i know how you feel. ds1 (7) has never been invited to anyones party. ever. ds2 (6) is being invited to loads at the moment. it's awful because i am pleased for ds2 but i feel so sad for ds1.

i dont understand why. ds1 is such a lovely little boy, no trouble at all. it can't be because he's autistic because so is ds2. and we always stay to take care of ds2 and would do the same for ds1!

i am sorry to vent on your thread but i can't stop myself every time this subject comes up! it makes me want to cry because i feel ds1 is being rejected!

anyway, i know it feels bad, but perhaps when your son's birthday comes around and you invite them all, they might get to know you better, or maybe you could invite some round for one of those playdate things and encourage friendships to develop between the children, rather than bothering with the parents iyswim.

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cori · 29/03/2007 12:59

I dont blame you for getting in a flap. I have been through exactly the same thing. DS not invited to parties,nothing in common with the other mums etc. But eventually it sorted it self out, DS now gets invited to parties, and I just busy myself with my baby so dont HAVE to talk them . Have managed to find one or two mums i can have a conversation with.

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BigEggLittleEgg · 29/03/2007 12:58

Ahh I would be upset. I hate being left out of anything and always take it personally, even it is not. As others have said, it may have been that you weren't there the day the invites were given, or some other simple reason. Am sure it was not personal. Have to say, if I was the one holding the party I would either invite everyone, or just the two or three that my DS was closest to. And if I did leave people out I definitely wouldn't hold the party at the same time as normal toddler group.

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bozza · 29/03/2007 12:54

DS will make his own friends but I think it was a bit much to hold the party at the exact time of the todler group. So I think you are reasonable to be quite p'ed off about that.

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Gess · 29/03/2007 12:51

Your last sentence.......

sounds a bit mean of the birthday boys mum though........ hope you had a nice chat to the other left out mum!

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Aloha · 29/03/2007 12:50

Don't instantly assume that it is personal. Maybe it was a mistake (ie invitation went astray) or she just forgot. I thought my ds wasn't invited to something recently but his invitation was in his school tray and ds forgot to bring it home. And also don't panic and assume this one incident is a Sign Of Things To Come. It almost certainly isn't.