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AIBU?

Feel bad for for MIL :-(

70 replies

joojoobean99 · 10/07/2017 19:47

My MIL was a SAHM for a large part of her life, and when her kids got old enough she worked part time just to give herself a tiny bit of spending money each month (she could never work full time as there are big age gaps between her DCs so she always had a small child to look after). FIL had a VERY well paid job and has always paid mortgage and bills.

My issue is that they are both now in their 70's and retired, yet FIL is INCREDIBLY tight with HIS money (he thinks of it as 'his' as he was the one that earned it, and not 'joint', despite the fact she was at home raising 4 kids which is a job in itself!) so MIL has nothing to spend on herself at all. Yes her basic needs are met as he pays for a small grocery shop each week and covers the utilities, but my DH has to pay for her mobile phone as otherwise she would not be able to have one, and we also try to treat her to something nice on birthdays and Christmas because otherwise she would never have new clothes, slippers, basically treats that people normally take for granted.

MIL seems to suffer a bit with depression also, although we haven't spoken about this openly, and I think having a tiny bit of money to treat herself with each month would really cheer her up, even if it was just enough to go out for a few lunches with friends. AIBU that it makes me really angry that FIL has got stacks of cash in the bank, yet we seem to be the ones that have to treat her to meals out, etc because she gets so down about not being able to do anything? DH said not to let it get to me as it's always been that way with them, but it just seems really unfair. Is it really that normal to have a relationship where one of you has so much control over the finances? Luckily for me DH hasn't inherited FILs traits and is very generous, but it makes me sad to see MIL spend her retirement sitting indoors all day because she can't afford to go out.

OP posts:

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mysteryfairy · 10/07/2017 21:16

I'm not sure divorce would work here. This could be like the Tini Owens case where, if contested, your MIL would have to wait 5 years for a financial settlement which at 70+ is too uncertain and doesn't answer the immediate problem.

joojoobean99 · 10/07/2017 21:19

He has no will, so I think all money would automatically go to her anyway.

Its easy for everyone to say she needs to divorce him (which I agree with btw) but in reality this is someone she's been with for 50-odd years and had 4 kids with, and it's too daunting for her to up and leave at her age with absolutely no savings whatsoever. So I can understand her staying in that situation even though it's bad for her.

OP posts:

OrlandaFuriosa · 10/07/2017 21:32

We're not that far off your PILs ' ages and there's no way we are in that world. It's honestly not a question of age, it's a culture.

But I think your DH should be pointing out to his DF that his mum will want to come to see The Baby ( congrats) so she will have to go out, esp to help in the first few months.

And she needs a mobile to stay in touch with him when she does, it would be unreasonable to expect him to be there all the time, v boring for him.

Both her helping and the phone make good financial sense...

And it will look incredibly mean to their social circle and his family if she isn't given a budget to spend on The Baby. . Good value stuff, not modern throwaway crap .

If this is the First Grandchild, or The First Boy, or the First Girl ( might be less successful) or The First of His Surname , or you are giving it one if his names, you can vamp it up even more...

Yes, these are evil manipulative suggestions on one hand, but appealing to enlightened self interest on the other.

Ropsleybunny · 10/07/2017 21:37

I think your DH really needs to step up and sort this out. Is there any sort of ultimatum he could throw at his father. Something like you start giving mum an allowance or we will cut all contact with you.

He ought to make a will, as dying intestate is a minefield.

embo1 · 10/07/2017 21:42

The basic facts are identical to my MIL's situation. She even had to buy a her mother-of-the-bride (my SIL) dress and presents for ds (her gs) out of what she saves up from the weekly housekeeping.

Sara107 · 10/07/2017 21:43

It's financial abuse, and a way of controlling her. What do her other children think about this? Would they support each other in pushing til into paying her a monthly allowance? My dad was the one who worked and mum stayed at home. But he paid her the married couples bit of his pension every month so she had her own money after he retired.

joojoobean99 · 10/07/2017 21:44

DH has been on at him for years, even before I knew him. He knows it's unfair but talking to FIL is an absolute waste of time. Cutting ties will have no impact, as FIL doesn't have much of a relationship with his other kids and I don't think he's too bothered about DH either. That's why DH pays for these things for MIL, because he knows it's the only way she is able to have the little extras in life, even though he knows it's not right that he has to fund this.

OP posts:

Notcontent · 10/07/2017 21:46

This is really bad. I can't believe that in 2017 there are still so many women who have to live like this. You and your DH should refuse to have anything to do with him unless things change.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 10/07/2017 22:01

If you think she's depressed, would she go and see the GP and discuss how things are for her? Maybe you could take her and go in with her - so dull, and such a waste of time for FIL!

Notcontent · 10/07/2017 22:04

ImNotWho - what do you mean by "so dull for FIL"?? Are you being serious?!?!

50ShadesOfEarlGrey · 10/07/2017 22:05

This is so common, particularly amongst that age group.
When I worked in banking I had to tell a recently bereaved lady that she had nearly half a million with us, and she then handed over 20 account books from other banks and building societies. When I added up all the money she cried buckets, she had absolutely no idea how much ,ones they had. Apparently husband had dished out miserly amounts of housekeeping, and had said that they couldn't afford for her to have a new dress for her daughters wedding. She was utterly distraught at everything they could have done together, holidays, home improvements etc. that he had vetoed, and said the money meant nothing to her now and she could never forgive the bastard. (Her exact words)
I went through similar situations fairly regularly although that was the saddest one.
I saw her quite regularly for some years, and I think she was doing her best to spend her way through it. She looked fabulous!

joojoobean99 · 10/07/2017 22:10

Sadly MIL has quite a few health issues but FIL is healthy as can be, so I can't see her outliving him. It's so sad, cos with what little money she does have she's very generous (gives what she can to grandchildren for birthdays, pays for a takeaway for us every once in a while) so I know if she did inherit that money she would not only have a good life herself but none of her adult children would ever have to go without.

I know it's utterly, utterly unfair but highly unlikely to change unfortunately.

OP posts:

rinabean · 10/07/2017 22:10

notcontent I think they mean a way to spin it for him to "allow" it.

OP I think at some point it stops being your problem. if she won't leave him even with your help, even after years, you're just letting him do this to her. Of course you want to make it easier for her, she is in distress, she is your MIL, your husband's mum - but you're making it easier for her to stay at the same time. I don't know what you can or should do. I can only hope that he dies before her so she can have at least some freedom. I suppose that's what you'll do too.

GreenTulips · 10/07/2017 22:14

I think you also need to make a point when being a SAHP - about how much DH shares the money, you can go out, buy clothes get a hair cut etc - so she's see what's normal - no different to him changing a nappy or looking after the baby

Silverdream · 10/07/2017 22:34

It sounds like financial abuse. Using it to control her. Horrid.

PutUpWithRain · 10/07/2017 22:36

Oh god, this sounds like such an utterly joyless way to live. Your poor MIL - I can't imagine what each day is like just to get through. From everything you've said, it's unlikely your FIL will change though.

Some practical suggestions for MIL - is she any good with internet stuff? I'm signed up with various online survey sites, and get a reasonable amount of money from them. Some of them pay directly to bank accounts, but usually it's gift cards and Amazon credits (my current balance on there is £50). It helps pay for presents and treats every now and again, and sometimes you get product tests which mean you don't have to buy (for example) fabric conditioner for six weeks, so it saves you money.

For things like haircuts, is there a local college that offers beauty training courses? Our local one has a training salon attached, and I can get a haircut, facial & massage for under £30. Maybe not the best quality, but even something like a £5 manicure is better than I could achieve, and it might give her a boost.

Has she thought about signing up for something like U3A? Could be a way for her to get out of the house & make friends without costing too much.

I have no doubt at all that it would be best for her to leave him, but realistically, it doesn't seem like that's going to happen, so trying to think of practical things that might help her feel less trapped.

MJDinner · 10/07/2017 22:54

I'm not in agreement that it's your place to dictate how your in law's "should" manage their money (you really don't know the full story e.g. I have had a relative agree to hand over all but the equivalent of pocket money due to getting into debt with no self control, it works for them and was freely agreed to after years of yo yo destructive behaviour.. I guess to a casual observer it would look unreasonably controlling!).

However have you ever thought that by paying her mobile bills you're helping them to avoid addressing the problem?
Or you "treating" her might be contributing to her lack of empowerment (and worse, it's inconsistent because it relies on your charity whims, or what you see as worthy of a treat). I can imagine that would be a bit soul destroying in itself (having to rely on my DIL for getting new clothes! Wtf).

I'd suggest you and your DH look at real, longer term ways to help MIL if you do want genuinely to help...

ineedaholidaynow · 11/07/2017 00:24

Depending on the value of the estate if FIL did die before MIL it won't necessarily all go to MIL if there is no will. Some of it may go to the children

GivePeasAGo · 11/07/2017 09:52

File is abusive so I doubt anything would change his mind but when a friend was in a similar situation with her parents she was more than blunt. To fit it with your situation would be:

I'm guessing if fil is 'traditional' he sees it as best that you are the SAHP. If that's so then I would use that to open a dialogue between dh and fill.
"Joojoo and I wanted her to be sahm but now she's getting worried"
"Why"
"Because we have both seen how badly you treat mum, she's worried the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. You really are unfair to mum etc etc."

And he needs to speak to his mum. Mh mum felt like she needed our permission almost to say about divorce. Once we sat her down and talked honestly she was geared up to do it. Maybe your Mil needs that support.

StrangeLookingParasite · 11/07/2017 12:31

He is just too stubborn.

It's not stubbornness as much as selfishness, and being an arsehole.

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