Feel bad for for MIL :-(

[joojoobean99]

My MIL was a SAHM for a large part of her life, and when her kids got old enough she worked part time just to give herself a tiny bit of spending money each month (she could never work full time as there are big age gaps between her DCs so she always had a small child to look after). FIL had a VERY well paid job and has always paid mortgage and bills.

My issue is that they are both now in their 70's and retired, yet FIL is INCREDIBLY tight with HIS money (he thinks of it as 'his' as he was the one that earned it, and not 'joint', despite the fact she was at home raising 4 kids which is a job in itself!) so MIL has nothing to spend on herself at all. Yes her basic needs are met as he pays for a small grocery shop each week and covers the utilities, but my DH has to pay for her mobile phone as otherwise she would not be able to have one, and we also try to treat her to something nice on birthdays and Christmas because otherwise she would never have new clothes, slippers, basically treats that people normally take for granted.

MIL seems to suffer a bit with depression also, although we haven't spoken about this openly, and I think having a tiny bit of money to treat herself with each month would really cheer her up, even if it was just enough to go out for a few lunches with friends. AIBU that it makes me really angry that FIL has got stacks of cash in the bank, yet we seem to be the ones that have to treat her to meals out, etc because she gets so down about not being able to do anything? DH said not to let it get to me as it's always been that way with them, but it just seems really unfair. Is it really that normal to have a relationship where one of you has so much control over the finances? Luckily for me DH hasn't inherited FILs traits and is very generous, but it makes me sad to see MIL spend her retirement sitting indoors all day because she can't afford to go out.

[PerspicaciaTick]

Is she still running around looking after FiL - doing laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.?

Perhaps your DH could approach FiL very factually. Tell him MiL does X hours or work looking after FiL each week and that if she was doing all that work for anyone else she would be getting paid around £8 an hour. Tell him that it isn't acceptable for him to continue to exploit his wife and that he (DH) simply can't respect him anymore.

[joojoobean99]

Nospringflower Our finances are pretty tight atm due to baby arriving soon and me only getting SMP. :-/

[quartofquakingquills]

The death of a child often has the effect of undermining the marriage and the causing the couple to split, so what you say about bringing them together may go somewhat deeper into a blame/guilt dynamic where FIL is using it to control MIL.

Either way she is being abused and it time DH put it to a stop and outed FIL's abuse to the family. Giving him the chance to continue as he has been should not be left to him as an option.

[bemusedbewildered]

The problem with publicly shaming an abuser is it'll rebound on MIL. Your DH should be having a frank conversation with both his parents, telling his mother to threaten divorce and his father that what he's doing is not fair or acceptable flat out.

I'm also wondering how £500 odd per month is all needed for a caravan holiday - unless she's paying bills with it too?

[SaveMeBarry]

Sadly I know of a few women of that generation for whom this was the norm. A couple of them had a very enjoyable widowhood...I know it's a terrible thing to say but I'd be hoping the tight git drops off his perch first and she gets a few years of spending and treating herself on whatever he's got in the bank. It's extremely unlikely he'll ever change.

[Purplepicnic]

You should encourage her to leave him. She'll get half in the divorce.

You can help her cope on her own, she will be able to. And would not the deceased child tell her this, if he/she could see her now?

[joojoobean99]

Thanks for everyone's replies. This has made me realise quite how bad the situation is and that DH probably needs to step in a bit more and insist that she's given a bit more freedom.

[happypoobum]

I am wondering why you say MIL wouldn't cope on her own? It sounds to me as though she might flourish once away from this man who appears to be abusing her.

No wonder she is depressed!

[travellinglighter]

Alternatively. If you're already supporting her, tell Scrooge mcfuckface that she's moving in with you to provide childcare for the new baby and that you'll fund a divorce for half the house, pension and car. If he wants to stop this happening he needs to cough 40% of his income to her and you'll provide any emotional support she needs.

Hate mean people.

[PerspicaciaTick]

I wouldn't be surprised if FiL doesn't have a clue about the true cost of running a house - there is a reasonable chance that MiL is actually subbing him out of her pension. Especially if his contributions have failed to match the increasing cost of living.

[QuiteQuietly]

I don't think this is an uncommon situation (not that it makes it acceptable in any way). My MIL has a much nicer life since FIL shuffled off. It's just such a shame she had to wait so long.

I do agree with PP that OP's MIL may be subsidising the housekeeping out of her pension. Perhaps FIL realises and this makes him hoard the main pot of money even more tightly. Regardless, it is not a great way to live.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

My Fil was like this. DMil was careful and saved every penny and had to answer to him. He's just passed away and left an estate worth nearly half a million. He couldn't take it with him, funnily enough. Sadly dh is a bit like his father and very controlling. DMil passed away years ago and dh and dbil have inherited the lot. I haven't seen any of that money yet. Not that I expect any, but it would have been nice. I've got a credit card bill that could use a little help.

Unfortunately people get very set in their ways and it's very hard to convince them that it could be different. Does your DMil even realise that it counts as abuse? It's a very strong statement, to tell someone that their loved one is actually abusing them. It might be a reluctance to admit to that as much as anything else.

[Monkeyface26]

Perhaps a quiet word of your own?
"I know that you are an intelligent man FiL, so I know that you understand the law. If you do not start giving a reasonable sum of money to MiL each month for her own use, I will help her to divorce you and she will get half of everything, including your pension. I will never mention this to you again. It is not a threat. It is a promise. You have 6 weeks. And if you tell anyone I said this, even MiL or DH, I will deny it. And then I will do it anyway."

Ooh, I feel a bit better for getting that out. I hope you find a way through this op. It is simply unacceptable.

[waitforitfdear]

MsAdorable

I think your dh is being abusing and selfish as fuck too not sharing his inheritance with you! That's not a caring sharing partnership. So sorry you and the ops mil are with these horribly selfish bastards.

[cansu]

actually I think your dh needs to tell his dad straight that he is being out of line. Maybe he needs a wake up call that if MIL decided to leave him she would get half of everything he has and would deserve every penny.

[Riversleep]

If she has never worked, her state pension will be tiny as she hasn't made any NIC's. I think it must be very hard to leave and live on your own when you are in your 70's. I bet he is in control of all the finances and bills too, so she thinks she is incapable of living on her own. It's terribly sad. If your DH thinks this is just the way it is, just keep an eye on it when you become a SAHM. People change when children come along and they have more responsibilities. Especially if their parenting role model thinks all money earned is theirs.

[joojoobean99]

I think a lot of this is down to their age also. They were raising kids in a time where the man Went to work and earned money and the woman stayed at home with the kids, and he just took it to extremes! DH knows this is wrong (and as I said before, would never dare treat me this way) but it's like smashing your head against a brick wall trying to talk to FIL. And it does embarrass MIL aswell, and I don't want to make her feel any worse than she already does. She would never leave him, even with our help, as they are both "old" old people iykwim and are very set in their ways. I just really can't see a way out of this for her.

I just can't believe that in this day and age there are people living like this. :-(

[joojoobean99]

River sleep I have absolutely no worries when it comes to DH and finances. He is nothing like his dad in that respect. And I am a lot stronger than MIL and would never allow him to treat me that way.

[GeekyWombat]

This is exactly the same situation as my mum and dad. We do what we can to treat my mum, but their financial relationship has been this way for more than 40 years. It's not something I can talk to my dad about, because frankly it's not my business, but we do a lot of similar stuff - mobile phone etc.

I don't have anything particularly helpful to add other than the fact I have spent my entire life trying to get my mum to talk to my dad about this and lots of other things he does that aren't things that I would put up with in my DH and don't think my mum should put up with in my dad. But it's their marriage, their dynamic and my mum's choice not to confront it or indeed leave. I understand how frustrating it is looking in (and sometimes it bloody hurts), but you or your DH can't really do much about it other than sympathise and do what you can to help.

for both you and your lovely sounding MIL though.

[Seeingadistance]

My mother's in her 70s and her parents were like this. My grandparents were both doctors, in General Practice together, and I found out from my mother only this year that my granny basically worked for nothing as the practice was in my Grampa's name only. Apparently, having her officially as partner or assistant would have meant more income for the practice, but for whatever reason he didn't do that. I did know that he would pay any cheques written out to her into his own bank account.

My grampa controlled the finances, spent money on himself from time to time, and nothing on my granny. She was in her early 80s and frail when he died, and after she got over the shock of his death, which was very sudden, she was angry because he left a large amount of money in his will and she was too old to enjoy it!

He was abusive in other ways as well, and theirs had never been a happy marriage.

I really feel for your MIL and agree with pp who've pointed out this is a deliberate course of action being taken by your FIL and he is being abusive.

It might be worth you phoning Women's Aid for a chat and see what advice they offer.

[TwoBusyCnuts]

it is financial abuse.
she should divorce him.

if no-one in her family will step in and offer more help (aside from the money you're giving her) - then all you can hope for is that the miserable old bastard dies before she does.

[SabineUndine]

Are you sure he will leave his money to her though?

[category12]

Sabine, she'd be able to challenge a will that didn't include her, surely, as his wife?