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AIBU?

DP cheated.

65 replies

user1498563254 · 27/06/2017 12:54

Sorry for long post..
so as not to dripfeed- I was abused very badly as a child which resulted in me being sent to a grouphome.. DP knows this and has been aware since we met
We have another friend- "Anne" (not real name)
DP and me have been apart (in different counties) for a while, and i came over to surprise him.. found him in bed with anne.. right in the middle of sex. not sure what to do. DP keeps apologising and telling me how guilty he feels.
WIBU to stay with him?? he says he is sorry and i feel so bad

OP posts:

Report

innagazing · 27/06/2017 13:27

Sorry, I assumed he was in a hotel but that.s probably not the case. Is there a hotel nearby that you could go to?

user1498563254 · 27/06/2017 13:32

innagazing no hotels i can go to as we have shared banks and all.. he is still at home i have gone over to my friend's house.. they are angry at DP but i want to forgive him still

OP posts:

BastardGoDarkly · 27/06/2017 13:36

Of course you do, you've been with him since you were 16! Following an abusive child hood. He was your safe place

But your well being is not safe with him love, I'd bet my house that wasn't the one and only time.

I'm so sorry

QuinoaKeen · 27/06/2017 13:42

You are worth so much more .

Allthewaves · 27/06/2017 13:47

He will mentally drive you into the ground. You need to keep your distance. Avoid him at all costs. If u need to communicate do it over phone.

He will pull u back if u spend any face to face time with him.

Focus on the practical. Go open bank account, separate your finances etc.

He is not worth it

BastardGoDarkly · 27/06/2017 13:50

Is he the same age as you user ?

MineKraftCheese · 27/06/2017 13:51

How old is your DP?

user1498563254 · 27/06/2017 13:52

BastardGoDarkly yes, we were the "highschool sweethearts" and all.. he is only a few months older than me

OP posts:

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/06/2017 14:01

He is a fake, I'm so sorry. I know it's scary if he is the only partner you've had since childhood, but he is no longer your 'safe' space'. He's an abusive bastard.

I'm sure he's said it only happened once, too

You urgently need some good support as far away from him as you can get.

user1498563254 · 27/06/2017 14:09

hi all..
anne has just texted me to say that it is "all her fault"
DP is still texting me apologies.. really not sure what to do.

OP posts:

Sunshinegirls · 27/06/2017 14:13

This must be awful for you OP. You need to protect yourself from further hurt. This means walking away from your partner and your friend. This could take a long time to recover from so the quicker you get started the better. If you stay with him it will ruin your self esteem. You are young and you can have a great life ahead of you with someone who deserves your love. This cheater doesn't deserve another minute of you. It will be hard, but be strong, and make the changes now.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/06/2017 14:15

Just imagine, OP, that you had not walked into that room and caught them.

How would he have been with you when you got back? Would he have broken down in tears and confessed all? Or would he, as he no doubt previously has, been all smiles and happy and pleased to see you?

He's done it before, undoubtedly, and lied to your face. Now he's sorry, in tears, will never do it again, but only because you caught him. I suspect that, even should you try to work this out, that you will never truly trust him again and will never feel safe to leave him alone. Could you live like that?

BastardGoDarkly · 27/06/2017 14:15

All her fault? Unless it was rape that's bollocks.

You don't have to do anything yet, give yourself some time, tell Anne to piss off, and your D P to clear off out of your house to give you some thinking space.

Its the very least he can do.

Shoxfordian · 27/06/2017 14:19

He's sorry because he was caught sweetie and is it likely this is the first time? They could have been sleeping together for ages.

Use some of the shared money and check into a hotel or stay with your friend tonight. Turn your phone off so he can't contact you and have some space to think

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 27/06/2017 14:19

I very much doubt it's the first time it's happened

PeaFaceMcgee · 27/06/2017 14:20

Nobbers. Phone off.

user1498563254 · 27/06/2017 14:21

i really believe it is the first time- he's never showed any signs or anything but im so worried my background is crowding my opinions of him as he was one of the first kind people

OP posts:

BeanSprout79 · 27/06/2017 14:25

LTB (my first one). You will NEVER be able to trust him out of your sight after that. He's only sorry because he's been caught and he will keep doing it if you let him. Don't let him walk all over you, you are better than that.

Sunshinegirls · 27/06/2017 14:27

This is going to sound harsh but if he loved you it wouldn't have happened at all, first time, hundredth time doesn't mean anything. I know you want to try and cling to what you think you had, this is a huge kick in the teeth and you will be in shock. Honestly, no good will come of going back with him. You will never trust him again, anytime his phone rings, every time you are apart, you will be suspicious of him forever. This would destroy you. Don't do that to yourself.

Want2beme · 27/06/2017 14:30

OP so sorry you're going through this. It's an awful time for you. At the risk of sounding cynical, I would say, that through life you do learn that your DP may not always be the person you want them to be and you have to make changes to your life because of this. However, change is a good thing. You don't need someone like him to mess with your head, cause you pain and be unfaithful throughout your relationship. Can you be sure that this is the first time he's done something like this?

TooGood2BeFalse · 27/06/2017 14:37

No, your opinion of him is understandably crowded by the fact that you just caught him in bed with your 'friend'. Your background does not make your feelings any less worthwhile or valid.

You are 20!No children!For god's sake run now, you deserve better but you WILL NOT FIND IT if you stay with him.

snoopypoodle · 27/06/2017 14:47

Op I'm not much older than you (25 now) and trust me when I say you want to get as far away as possible!
It might seem like he's the only one right now but it's because his the only one you know.
It's ok saying its a 'one time fuck up' but if you think about it they met up behind your back, went from the communal room to the bedroom, got undressed and had sex. He did not slip and fall, he was not drunk (it wouldn't have been justifiable anyway) and he knows your history yet he still made the conscious decision to do that with your "friend".
Like many posters have said, he's only sorry he got caught.
And how is it all Anne's fault? Did she cast a spell? Hypnotise him maybe? Is she so irresistible he was left with no choice but to bed her?

If these people had any respect for you this situation would have never taken place.

This is only my personal opinion thinking back to what I was like a few years ago.
I think you need time out, might be worth talking to a professional (not in the light of your past but because I had a v hard situation recently and talking to someone objective and non biased really helped), you need to find your(single)self.
You are 20 you've got everything ahead of you. And there is someone out there who will treat you with respect and dignity you're more than entitled to and that's not your "D" P.
If I was in your shoes and did not walk away I know I would be very unhappy in the future, what he did would replay over and over in my mind and everything else he'd say to me would feel fake.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/06/2017 14:50

"fucked up once"? That would be an incredible coincidence, wouldn't it?

You happen to walk in just as he's shagging her for the very first time. There was no preamble, no kissing or other stuff on other occasions. They just got into bed the very first time they cheated and you caught them. And she's invested enough to text you about it.

hellomoon · 27/06/2017 14:54

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that one of the first 'kind' people to you has betrayed you in this way.

And it is a betrayal.

Anne might well say it is all her fault, but that just isn't possible, unless he did not consent. It is his fault. He was the one in a relationship.

You are very young with your life ahead of you - that might not mean much now, but it's true.

Do you have any support in RL to help you come to terms with the trauma you suffered as a child and what has happened now? You deserve much, much more than your experiences may well have led you believe.

OliviaBenson · 27/06/2017 15:01

I'm sorry but I also don't believe this was the first time. It's classic cheaters script.

It's natural to want things to go back to the way they were but they won't now. You need to end it. He's not the person you thought he was.

Sending hugs op.

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