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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

sorry a wedding abroad one!

80 replies

ObnoxiousDoggy · 28/05/2017 21:44

Hi have name changed for this.
My DP is due to be best man at his friends wedding abroad soon. The whole wedding has been disorganised but he's gritted his teeth and bared it
When asked to be best man his mate said he would pay for flights and accommodation. I was going to go but had discovered I'm pregnant so won't be going. The other day the groom came round and is stressing about money and says he can now only contribute to the trip for DP and won't know how much until a month before the wedding!
So we worked out if DP paid for own trip and spends and gift it'll be about 1000 quid. This is on top of 500 quid for the stag and then money for the wedding party back home. This is all in a matter of weeks before were due to become parents.
AiBu to think this groom is expecting a bit much? dp doesn't mind contributing but if at the last min the groom can't contribute at all it's going to cost a hell of a lot

OP posts:

Lunde · 29/05/2017 11:04

Wow - that is a lot of money that should be saved for your baby.

I dealt with a very disorganised wedding party once and it turned out to be a very expensive experience and it didn't get any better and the costs continued to mount last minute. For example I had offered a lift to the airport as we were on the same flight - when we arrived to pick up the groom/best man suits had not been collected and "would we just mind" ... This turned out to be a long detour and left us very late getting to the airport - almost missed the non-refundable flights - in order to make last check-in time we had to park in the extortionate short-stay car park. No money was offered either for the lift or the £200+ parking bill. This was the first of many contributions we made to the disorganisation

TBH I would seriously consider pulling out if the groom is making no effort to book or give indication of costs. It is pretty arrogant to think he can keep everyone dangling and that they will be happy to pay £000s to attend a wedding he can't be bothered to organise until the last minute

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 11:06

Pull out now-I bet the groom won't be able to pay your DH a penny towards that £1000!

As the wedding gets closer, more and more expenses are going to pop up unexpectedly and that is money that he won't want to spend on your DH.

I hate 'abroad' weddings-they just pass the cost of the wedding onto the guests.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2017 11:10

Yes, it is your call. £2k on a poxy fucking wedding when you'll be having a baby 10 weeks later?! FUCK that. You need to grow a backbone, too. These people are pisstakers - a stag do away, a wedding away, then another fucking party? He needs to pull out NOW.

'It's not really my call but if he thinks he's telling us he cant contribute a month before the wedding sparks will fly'

Oh, c'mon! Of course he's going to tell you a month before that he can't contribute, so no matter how many sparks fly you're looking at forking out £££ for last minute flights.

The pair of you need to put your own family before other people's demands for a party, no matter how good of a friend they are (and a good friend would never expect this of a mate).

LOL at giving them a gift, too.

spaghettithrower · 29/05/2017 11:10

Pull out. Circumstances have changed with the pregnancy and you can't afford it.
If the groom can't pay as promised initially then your DH can't attend.

stiffstink · 29/05/2017 11:12

I wouldn't even be taking this wedding seriously until the bride and groom have made arrangements to actually be there.

No way would I be paying for a sausage until I know that I'm not going to end up 10 hours away on a beach on my own. Work on the basis that until they confirm it is definitely going ahead, its not going ahead.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 29/05/2017 11:12

Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, very disorganised.
I think your DP should pull out now, after an honest conversation, with his mate.
You have a baby on the way, this is a large amount of money, that could be far better spent.

redshoeblueshoe · 29/05/2017 11:15

Beelzebop's post is very kind, maybe try that

QueenArseClangers · 29/05/2017 11:27

When you have a newborn and totally fucked on no sleep/weeping and leaking like a madwoman just remember that £2000+ could've paid for an extra few weeks paternity leave for DH/ a lactation consultant/ a cleaner / meals cooked and delivered to you.
Don't let it be spaffed away on some half arsed, disorganised wedding circus halfway round the world or you'll be resentful about it forever.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 29/05/2017 11:30

Um, no, I would not be paying £1,500 to go to somebody else's party. £150 would be about my limit if they were very close friends.

This wedding idiocy has to stop.

Kokusai · 29/05/2017 11:37

DP needs to grow a backbone and sit down with the groom.

"Mate, I've budgeted £x for your stage do and wedding. I don't have any more money to put towards your wedding and I've got a baby on the way. I can't wait until a month before the wedding to find out how much you want me to pay to attend. Let's look at costs for the stag and wedding shall we? Let's work out a bit of a budget and if you can't afford to pay for my travel etc as agreed then I'm going to have to pull out with a heavy heart."

IonaNE · 29/05/2017 11:39

He is not "mates" with the groom since they were 2 - at 2 you are a drooling toddler and do not have "mates".

Secondly, he needs to pull out. And if the groom accuses him of going back on his promise, the response to that is that the groom has gone back on his promise regarding costs. End of.

expatinscotland · 29/05/2017 11:44

'When you have a newborn and totally fucked on no sleep/weeping and leaking like a madwoman just remember that £2000+ could've paid for an extra few weeks paternity leave for DH/ a lactation consultant/ a cleaner / meals cooked and delivered to you.
Don't let it be spaffed away on some half arsed, disorganised wedding circus halfway round the world or you'll be resentful about it forever'

This!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/05/2017 11:46

The groom hasn't even booked any flights or accomodation yet

So how come he's getting "stressed about money" ... unless he's simply hoping that someone else will pay for the whole thing of course?

You said that your DH considers it rude to pull out, but that he'll do so if his gets any worse. Except he won't, will he, as doing it nearer the time would seem even ruder

Much better, surely, to say you can't go because of the baby, then arrange to celebrate privately with him later (if the wedding happens at all, that is )

Msqueen33 · 29/05/2017 11:48

Revising I think he needs to pull out. Costs will mount and it'll be insane.

rollonthesummer · 29/05/2017 12:12

The groom really isn't being a good friend.

LondonNicki · 29/05/2017 12:35

I hate the expectation that guests will effectively fund a foreign wedding. Even if you can afford it isn't really the point either as wouldn't you be better off putting that £1500 into savings. The whole industry is gone mad.

Iamastonished · 29/05/2017 12:35

Your DP needs to grow one and just pull out now. If the groom complains it needs pointing out to him tat he shouldn't have booked a wedding that is expensive for guests to get to. End of.

Unfortunately people like these rely on guilt tripping people on going to their weddings because the invitees don't have the backbone to say "You're taking the piss. I'm not forking out that much to go to a wedding".

MimsyFluff · 29/05/2017 12:38

BIL wedding was abroad it was an unorganised mess before hand and during the wedding. His was in EU though and cost a total of £600 was me and DH, hire car, eating out, a large top f the range apartment in the expensive old part of town

MimsyFluff · 29/05/2017 12:40

we treated it as a holiday. I wouldn't be spending over 1K on a wedding

LagunaBubbles · 29/05/2017 13:02

Of course he can - and should - pull out now. Let him find another mug, sorry best man whos willing to pay a fortune to attend his wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/05/2017 13:21

There doesn't seem to be any mention of the bride in all this ... what's she supposed to be doing towards the organisation?

Mummmy2017 · 29/05/2017 14:41

I think this is one case, where your partner needs to say sorry, but you really can't face being apart with the baby so near, since there is nothing booked it won't cost, I also think spending loads on a Stag is stupid, as it's not needed.

happypoobum · 29/05/2017 14:53

DP has to put his big boy pants on and just say no.

MatildaTheCat · 29/05/2017 15:15

Work out how much additional maternity leave this could fund. Or how much towards a new car or whatever you currently need to save for. If, for example, the money spent on this wedding could fund you to stay home for six months instead of four, I would be making an executive decision and saying no way.

If money is not a big issue then it's a bit different. The friend sounds a total disaster and all of this could go wrong or end up costing far more. Your dp needs to text him saying ' As you know we have a baby on the way and a very tight budget. The very most I can spend is X, so I need to know the sums by next week so I can decide if I will be able to make it. The stag is another one I need exact sums for. Cheers.'

ishallconquerthat · 30/05/2017 00:39

Sorry, OP, only saw your post now. My suggestion was just a way to reduce the spending, as it seemed your DH really wanted to go. SO in this case at least you wouldn't have to spend on a gift ON TOP of the 1k (which is an awful lot of money anyway)

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