sorry a wedding abroad one!

[ObnoxiousDoggy]

Hi have name changed for this.
My DP is due to be best man at his friends wedding abroad soon. The whole wedding has been disorganised but he's gritted his teeth and bared it
When asked to be best man his mate said he would pay for flights and accommodation. I was going to go but had discovered I'm pregnant so won't be going. The other day the groom came round and is stressing about money and says he can now only contribute to the trip for DP and won't know how much until a month before the wedding!
So we worked out if DP paid for own trip and spends and gift it'll be about 1000 quid. This is on top of 500 quid for the stag and then money for the wedding party back home. This is all in a matter of weeks before were due to become parents.
AiBu to think this groom is expecting a bit much? dp doesn't mind contributing but if at the last min the groom can't contribute at all it's going to cost a hell of a lot

[ObnoxiousDoggy]

The wedding is booked but nothing apparently

[ObnoxiousDoggy]

sorry meant nothing else is flights and accommodation

[theclick]

This sounds remarkably like my DH's best friend's wedding. Ridiculously expensive and all the boys had to travel to an even more expensive destination for the stag. Whole thing cost us around £2k for flights, accom, stag.

We didn't give a gift.

[Familyof3or4]

£500 for the stag?
If dp organised it could he not have done something more cheaply?
I would pull out of the wedding tbh

[harderandharder2breathe]

Set a budget that you can afford to spend on everything.

Pull out of stag do and party at home and don't even think of getting them a gift. Have DH tell the groom that he can't wait til a month before to know how much he has to pay, he needs to know now. I wouldn't tell the groom what your budget is because frankly I wouldn't trust him further than I could throw him and would expect him to pull another fast one.

In fact, I would just pull out altogether tbh, but I understand if your DH wants to give his mate a another chance

[ObnoxiousDoggy]

the stag was arranged at the request of the groom and people went along with it. Flights and accommodation for that we're 200 then spending is going to come to 400 to 500 overall.

[specialsubject]

Drop out now. These two spoilt kids can't afford their foreign frilly frock party, why should you pay?

[NotHotDogMum]

Do I have the facts correct?:

Your DH is expected to travel (abroad?) for a stag do, at his own expense?

Your DH is also expected to travel abroad for the wedding, at his own expense? (Groom originally offered to pay, but now can't, but also can't give DH an amount?)

Groom will only tell DH the costs a month before the wedding?

You are about to have your first baby (which is an expensive time in anyone's life)

[CaptainWarbeck]

10 hours flight away! This isn't just a wedding in Italy then or something is it.

Who's paying for the flights and accommodation? That surely can't be all booked a month before the wedding when the groom has worked out how much he can contribute?

So is your DH expected to pay upfront? Fuck that. Doesn't sound like he'll get much of a contribution.

[Iamastonished]

This gets more and more ridiculous with every post. Your DP needs to be upfront with the groom and tell him he can't make it to the wedding. End of. I suspect this wedding isn't going to happen anyway if they haven't made any travel and accommodation arrangements yet.

[RaspberryOverloadsOnIcepops]

Your DP needs to pull out now.

Wedding in September and nothing other than the wedding itself booked at this point. I'd say it's highly likely the wedding doesn't happen.

I'd also not be attending the stag, as there's no need to fork out for something when the wedding itself is doubtful.

This really is a disaster in the making.

[TathitiPete]

Your baby trumps their fancy foreign wedding that they can't actually afford So I would be making sure first and foremost that you keep your money for your own growing family.

Maybe decide how much you can afford to sink on this wedding and agree DH will have no choice but to pull out if costs reach that sum. (Obviously don't tell groom what this sum is. If anything tell the groom that the most you can afford is 80% of the actual total, that will give you some wiggle room if costs continue to spiral)

People really should IMO have the wedding they want and can afford! Whether that's 250 guests sitting down to a six course meal on Maui or local registry office and a carvery in the pub after and everything in between.

Congratulations on the baby

[FlatBreadFeast]

Sounds like a wedding in somewhere like Mauritius. All the money and time to get pretty wedding pictures on a beach.
If he goes, you don't need to buy them a wedding gift too.

[Iamastonished]

Absolutely, FlatBread. Definitely no gift if he goes (if the wedding even goes ahead).

I can never understand why places are more important than people on these threads.

[C0untDucku1a]

I see the wedding getting cancelled

[Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump]

Why do these people book such over the top weddings that neither them or their friends can afford? Who exactly are they trying to impress- it just alienates those around them! If your DP really has to go he needs to drop the stag do. I doubt very much he will be the only person who does drop out.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

Drop out. Your DPHIL was told his costs would be covered, it is the groom that has gone back on this at the last minute so if sparks do fly it is because of that and nor because of your DP not being able to contribute. Or as PP have said, come up with a figure that you can afford to contribute and propose this to them. If it's not enough say he can't afford to go and then it puts the ball back in their court.

[Msqueen33]

Whatever happened to stag and hen dos in the local area. A pub crawl. Now it's weekends away abroad and spa trips.

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

*DP no idea what my autocorrect thinks a DPHIL is

[StripeyCurtains]

There is a great Vodafone ad on TV at the moment that sums up my feelings about weddings abroad. here

YANBU.

[RandomMess]

DP needs to have a very frank discussion with the groom urgently.

He needs to lay out that he has £x budget for the stag do and the wedding so what does the groom want?

a) Go on the stag do abroad
b) Go to the wedding but DP can contribute of £x so if groom cant pay the rest he won't be going.

The responsibility for the financial choices need to go back to the groom and let him make the decision

[redshoeblueshoe]

Stripey that advert sums up my feelings.
OP your DH should suggest - stag do at local pub.
I would say to your DH why is his bloody mate more important than your family, he really should pull out now, before he ends up losing loads of money.

[Beelzebop]

Your DP could perhaps as nothing is arranged yet suggest that the stag do is rearranged to a cheap local do.
Him and groom sit down and work out costs. The groom sounds like he's panicking and it will only get worse if no one helps.
Your DP can also say he's not able to wait about money.
I know it's not your DPs official role, but if they've been mates for years he's the one to do something.

[JaneEyre70]

If it is Vegas then he's going to spend a lot more than £1000 I hate to say!! People are ridiculous with weddings/stags abroad. I think your DP just needs to be honest and say he's really chuffed to have been asked to be best man, but he can only afford to commit £500 maximum for stag and wedding as you have a baby coming. Anything more than that, he's going to have to pull out. It's not like it is booked yet. I think that's fair enough and still a lot of money.....it would buy a pram, car seat and a cot!!

[SafeToCross]

I agree with telling him your budget now. I wonder if DH could also help by going through the budget with him and trying to sort out the mess (if groom doesn't have good budgeting or organisational skills). If he is honest upfront and offering help, then their relationship should survive.