To be stressed this much over neighbours

[MindTalks]

I feel almost petty for putting this on here (especially with what's happened in the UK recently) but I'm clueless on what to do to help myself.

As I'm writing this my neighbours music is pounding the walls like it has been since half 11 this morning, which is likely to continue into the the early years meaning my children can't sleep. The smoke from his lidless BBQ is starting to invade the house like it does most breakfasts, lunches and dinners whenever a hint of sunshine is in the sky. Meaning I have to choose between a smokey house for hours or a hot one. It's the music I can't stand the most. I live in fear in my own house that my children will be kept up until the early hours once again due to the music. The pounding bass gives me headaches and the drunken stumbling around the house, the fights in the street and the shouting outside makes me on edge. We've tried speaking to them but they often pretend they can't understand us and become aggressive (as the music comes with them being drunk)

We're on a new build on the help to buy in a sort of link detached house, we were sold the dream that we would live in peace by only being attached by one bedroom and a garage. But to me it feels like the biggest regret ever, we were renting a lovely (quiet) house before renting near my favourite school in the area. To get our foot on the housing ladder, by the pushing of my parents who paid 80% of our deposit for us (which i know we're are extremely lucky for) It's because of that kindness I feel stuck.

I've explained to said parents about how living here makes me feel, I live in fear of this house which has left me with daily headaches, I've been told I'm stressed and depressed and need to try improve my situations. But said parents make me feel guilty about wanting to leave, as they helped us. They tell me they didn't help me and DH for us to leave so quickly (we've lived here nearly 2 years) and it would be a downgrade if we moved from here to a semi. As without the help to buy we can just afford a semi. But I'm fearful it will be just the same as here?

I'm crying whilst writing this, i feel so petty and pathetic to be so stressed and upset over this, when so many people dream to buy. I'm starting to feel so trapped, I try to think of ways to stay out and away from this house. My parents make me feel guilty for wanting to leave but I just want to be happy in a home. Me and DH have even talked about renting again so we can save for a detached and live peacefully whilst doing so.

So, yeah. I guess I'm looking to know if I am being unreasonable in wanting to go or if my parents are right. As well as what would you do in this situation.

[Mehfruittea]

OP - could their be a racial reason for this? Just the language barrier thing doesn't ring true. You seem able to articulate yourself well here. Are you of a minority race for the area you have moved to? If this is the case, it's very hard to live next door to someone like this. You cannot reason with them, get out and preserve your sanity.

[ToastDemon]

Seriously bugger your parents. Life is too short - move!

[RoseandVioletcreams]

Op your dp can't possibly understand exactly what your going through unless they have experienced bad neighbours. I have and I understand your pain and wouldnt wish it on anyone.

We all have a right to enjoy our homes in peace. Your council have a duty of care to you. You need to make a big descion, you either try and move and dont take it further with the council, checking first your complaints have not been taken so far they need to be logged in a house sale - move or stay and fight it.

If you stay and fight it - you need to really fight it - you need to impress upon the EH team just how much your home life is constantly upset and disrupted, that you cant do X Y and Z, its affecting your mental health. you cant sleep your developing anxiety and THEY NEED TO DO SOMETHING.
They are busy have a long list of people who need intervention, you simply have to start kicking up a massive massive stink about it.

Or yes - move! Its no way to live I had to live like this for about 3 years it has affected me.

[viques]

If the noise nusience people at the council aren't being helpful get onto your local councillor, they are usually very helpful in pushing for help.

[MrsMoastyToasty]

Is it a house of multiple occupancy? If the owner is letting out rooms to more than a certain number then they need to have a license. If they haven't got a licence then the owner can be fined. The council should have a record of all HMO properties in the area.

[LavenderDoll]

Op we had a very very similar situation even down to the gift of money.
We left after 18 months and are now in a peaceful semi
Our old neighbours made me I'll with the stress and misery they caused

[SuperPug]

I'm so sorry OP
I've had this, but in a rented flat. Also sold "the dream" and didn't buy at first because we couldn't afford it.
Apparently, this is a significant issue with new build estates. Lots are bought by one landlord who then strikes some sort of deal with the housing association.
I agree, the police have been hopeless with our situation (music, drugs etc) so we are moving.
If you can move, start making arrangements now. In comparison to how you feel, I would say your Dad's "disappointment" doesn't compare.

[JoffreyBaratheon]

We're in the third year of our nightmare neighbour hell but we rent a council house and don't have the option OP has, to just sell up and move.

I don't get the problem really, as surely your parents' deposit % will still be intact in a sense, as part of the value of any new house?

If you go down the EH route, you then might find it harder to sell the house, having officially flagged up problem neighbours.

We have been down every route to no avail - and it's been grim as young kids and a dog are involved next door and there are DV/cruelty issues. SS and NSPCC - useless. Police - useless. Council - useless until their ASB officer got abused now they are trying, mysteriously!

[50ShadesOfEarlGrey]

I think you have to decide whether you wish to stick around in the property and fight, in which case get in touch with council etc, or to move. If it's the latter then dont make any official complaint as you will have to declare it in the sellers info and you will be stuck in your current situation, unable to move.
You can buy something else through the help to buy scheme, although obviously I don't know your financial situation.
It sounds as though you would like to move back to your previous area anyway?
Your DC may be OK going in a taxi, mine was, although we were all terrified of the prospect, but if not then you can use the councils parent partnership service in your first instance.

[JustRosieHere]

I've been where you are and I would honestly just sell up. Our neighbours made our life hell. We did all the right things and eventually an abatement order was issued but by the time we got to that I was passed breaking point. It put a huge strain on our marriage and we where lucky to come through it. We barely slept and where constantly on edge waiting for the noise to start. We rent now rather than buy because until we can afford to buy a detached with a decent amount of space from next door I need to know I can easily move away from an problem neighbour. I couldn't go through all that again. The police won't help you at all, they just say it's a council issue.

[Tapandgo]

It is true, multiple complaints have to be declared at point of sale and this can make a property unsellable.
However, living next to inconsiderate noisy morons can make your health break.
If you can, move and be happy.
If you can't, contact your MP and get pressure put on ineffective council workers. It can take years to get action - be prepared for that.
Environmental Health can install equipment in your home to monitor noise levels.
I would be surprised if your neighbours spoke no English as they have navigated their way round the system to purchase a house.

[IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes]

Invite your parents to come and stay for a week.

Seriously I feel for you, I had 4yrs of living next to neighbours from hell. It seriously had me doubting my own sainty. I used to feel sick coming home. There was no escape in any room from noise. It effected my kids. It was so surreal when they finally moved, it was like a weight lifted of my shoulders and I cried happy tears and the peace was so surreal but my god it was such a blessing. 4yrs aged me, wore me down, cried loss sleep.

I never realised until I experienced it myself just how much of an impact bastard neighbours can effect your whole life.

So ynbu to move, but do let your parents come stay for a week and share in the joys of your neighbours then see what they say then

[IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes]

Btw going down the Enviromental health route certainly is no quick fix. Especially if neighbours dispute it and it has to go to court

[Bigblug]

Not quite the same because I don't plan on buying this house but I totally relate to having had stressful neighbours. My first was a drug dealer who had parties at all hours, frequently buyers would knock on my door mistakenly, and generally being a nuisance. My second created an awful atmosphere by basically being an absolute shite parent and blamed us when social was called and made our lives hell before she did a bunk with £2k rent arrears. Now I have nice neighbours and my mental health is so much better. The stress of bad neighbours is horrendous, every night wondering if they're going to start fighting or put music on

[doubleshotespresso]

Whereabouts are you OP?

Can you ask your local council if mediation is available? Many boroughs offer this to private owners as they have a duty of care to their residents'.

Not at all expecting your not so lovely neighbours to participate in mediation, but this will get the ball rolling towards obtaining a Civil Injunction, which basically replaces the old ASBO system, though with far more stringent terms, which if breached result in a short spell in prison.
If your neighbours decline to participate in either a God neighbour Agreement (GNA) or Restorative Justice (RJ), then the council will pursue a Civil Action where a judge would set out terms. This all sounds rather lengthy, but once the evidence is collated this really does not drag on too long and can also be done collectively if other neighbours are also effected.

If the neighbours persist further in rare cases a Home Closure Order may be obtained, even for owner-occupied properties, but things must bad (usually criminal / violent activity) for that to happen.

In the meantime, persist with calls to the police/environmental health/noise control for your records. Keep a diary detailing every aspect of what brought you here tonight.

I really hope you get this (or an alternative) sorted out.

[doubleshotespresso]

*Good neighbour agreement

[Shewhomustgowithoutname]

I too have difficult neighbours. I find them very strange and that upsets me to the point of being worried staying here.
I do not understand why some people are determined to make life miserable for others. They try to hose their outbuilding but this results in my house being soaked.
They have laminate flooring and drag furniture about very early in the mornings knowing I don't need to be up at such a ridiculous hour.
Try not to think that your parents are to blame for this. Have your parents been over to the house to be aware of the noise and conduct themselves. Someone suggested your parent should come I agree that it would be good for them to see what goes on. Perhaps parents are more unhappy that you are giving up what everyone hopes for because of bad people. It could also be that you may not get what you paid for the house and therefore you would lose money. A lot of people will drive by a house at all times of the day and night to see if there are problems. Complaining to police and council would be a record of neighbour troubles.
It says a lot about the type of persons your neighbours are. Most unpleasant people. Police have been useless here too. I get the impression now that police will say whatever it takes to get out of even having an advisory word. This is not what we expect of them.
Hope you get some peace soon.

[MrsLupo]

Oh god, OP, this sounds appalling. I had a problem some years ago with a neighbour who played the guitar through an amp at all hours. It would go on and on, and I'd be desperate for it to stop, and then it would and I'd finally start to relax when it would suddenly start all over again. I feel quite clammy with anxiety just thinking about it. A noise problem like that can break your spirit and I'm not surprised you're posting here in tears.

Your only recourse is through environmental health. This is not a police matter (unless the noise is of violence). If you want to go ahead with a complaint, you'll have to monitor the noise over a period of time, which they will help you with. But it takes time, puts you in conflict with your neighbour officially (which would affect a sale), and though it would result in action and a fine, there's no guarantee they wouldn't just start all over again, escalate, etc. And this is your home. You need to feel safe and sane.

In your shoes, honestly, I would move. It sounds like you and your DH are on the same page about it. Why your parents are acting like such a ball and chain I just can't fathom. They'll be disappointed if you sell up and live in a semi?? I mean, what does that even mean? Disappointment is a completely inappropriate response to this situation. And who cares if you live in a semi? Better than having a nervous breakdown, I'd have thought. Your family dynamics sound a bit odd, to be blunt. I don't understand why you'd be 'embarrassed' that your Nan came round, heard the music and is worried about you. But the bottom line is that your parents' coercive attitude, at a time when you are under extreme stress, is unhelpful and unkind.

I think you have to be the advocate for yourself that you are hoping your Nan will be, explain in clear and unequivocal terms why moving is vitally necessary for your health and wellbeing, and tell them - don't ask - what you will be doing. The money was to help you buy a house. It doesn't have to be this house, and now you know what your life is going to be like next to these naeighbours, it's vital that it isn't, in fact.

Chin up, OP. for you.

[NotYoda]

It's just utterly unfair and frustrating that people feel hamstrung about doing anything official about noise pollution for fear of it affecting their sale. Surely noisy neighbours know this and it gives them carte blanche to carry on?

I feel so strongly about this - it's a psychological health issue

[user1492287253]

i tell you what i would do. i would put the house on the market today.
i would thank parents for getting you started but let them know youll take it from here. ds needs mean a move

and live happily ever after

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

I would move.

I would write to your parents and tell them that this is affecting your mental health. That nobody - the council or the Police - will help and that you had hoped for their support because their insistence on you staying put is ruining your life. That they don't have to live next door to the noise so they aren't in a position to judge. That the deposit was supposed to be a gift and at no point did they ever say that you would have to seek their position to make decisions about your own life - like where to live. That if you'd known they would emotionally blackmail you over the deposit you would never have accepted the money in the first place.

Then I would ignore their calls, instruct an estate agent and move the fuck away. Better to be in a semi with nice neighbours, than in a link detached with the fuckwits from hell. Life is far too short to be miserable like this - especially when it is so easily fixed.

[PaulDacresFeministConscience]

Oh and I'd be ringing the council and asking them if threatening you with an adverse effect on your property price was an acceptable way of dealing with a noise complaint? Yes neighbour disputes have to be declared, but the council sound as if they are trying to frighten you off rather than do their job.

[Laiste]

Move. Get the place on the market. Help To Buy doesn't prevent you moving does it? I know it's not as simple as if it were a simple sole owner buy, but you're NOT stuck there. You sell back to the housing authority/give them first refusal or something if it's within a certain number of years or something don't you?

Some people do gifts of money with emotional strings attached. Sadly my mum is like this. Ignore it. Explain why you're moving to them, and go.

[LadyPW]

I like the idea of renting the place out for now and renting somewhere else. Or sell up and find somewhere else though if it's a semi then check what the neighbours are like first!!

[NotYoda]

I also think you are now at the point where you just need to move out and get your well-being back on track. I am sorry your parents are lacking in sympathy, but it sounds like your DH is on the same page as you.