To have another baby if DD doesn't want me to?

[gonenative]

Hi

Looking for a bit of parenting advice - am rarely stuck but not sure how to proceed with this so would really appreciate some thoughts from you all.

I have two daughters, aged 8 and soon to be 13 from my first marriage. Their dad and I split, amicably, 5 years ago and we have them 50/50.

I have been with a new partner for the last year. He is brilliant, a solid, kind, man who is great with my kids and wants to form a proper relationship with them.

We are currently living about 150 miles apart so only see each other every fortnight but the plan is for him to move in with us towards the end of this year.

I'm 40, and he's 32 ,and while he's totally up for taking on my kids, he really wants a child of his own, which is what I want to, but given my age feel like we need to get started with this sooner rather than later, so I broached the idea with the kids a month or so ago. My younger one was really excited by the idea but the older one was utterly bereft.

It's been mentioned (mostly by my younger one) a couple of times since and each time she's got really upset. She feels that she will be pushed out of the family, that she will no longer get as much attention and feels she would be jealous as this hypothetical baby would be with me all the time, whilst she and her sister would be with their dad half the time. I have tried to reassure that none of this would be the case, that my love for her won't diminish, and that she can be here whenever she wants, but she still seems so sad.

Am I selfish for wanting to make a family with my new partner?

What can I do or say to make this easier for her? Am also aware that it may not even happen and am slightly kicking myself for saying anything, but felt I needed to prepare them for the eventuality....

Please help!

Thanks in advance

[froofroomcgoo]

I was going to say that you aren't selfish for wanting a baby but you would be to have one. And warn you that lots of people will say such things as she'll love it when it's here, which may well be true. However if you do have a child with this man you barely know, you may irrevocably damage your relationship with your daughter.

Then i realised you haven't even moved in together and have only​ been dating a year. You're​ nuts AND selfish.

[Enidblyton1]

Aside from the short amount of time you've known your boyfriend, I would think very carefully about the age gap if you have another child.

My DH and I have much older half siblings (>10 yrs) and our older siblings definitely suffered during their teenage years. On many occasions their lives were compromised because our parents were looking after a small child. This WILL affect your DCs negatively to some extent however hard you try.
Of course, there will hopefully be many positives too. My DH and I now have a wonderful relationship with our half siblings. From my experience, many of the positives come later, when all the children are adults.

None of the above me as you shouldn't have a child with your new boyfriend, but your DCs hardly know him. I can see why your elder DC is really worried. I would see how you function as a 4 before introducing a new baby into the family.