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AIBU?

To have another baby if DD doesn't want me to?

52 replies

gonenative · 23/04/2017 21:19

Hi

Looking for a bit of parenting advice - am rarely stuck but not sure how to proceed with this so would really appreciate some thoughts from you all.

I have two daughters, aged 8 and soon to be 13 from my first marriage. Their dad and I split, amicably, 5 years ago and we have them 50/50.

I have been with a new partner for the last year. He is brilliant, a solid, kind, man who is great with my kids and wants to form a proper relationship with them.

We are currently living about 150 miles apart so only see each other every fortnight but the plan is for him to move in with us towards the end of this year.

I'm 40, and he's 32 ,and while he's totally up for taking on my kids, he really wants a child of his own, which is what I want to, but given my age feel like we need to get started with this sooner rather than later, so I broached the idea with the kids a month or so ago. My younger one was really excited by the idea but the older one was utterly bereft.

It's been mentioned (mostly by my younger one) a couple of times since and each time she's got really upset. She feels that she will be pushed out of the family, that she will no longer get as much attention and feels she would be jealous as this hypothetical baby would be with me all the time, whilst she and her sister would be with their dad half the time. I have tried to reassure that none of this would be the case, that my love for her won't diminish, and that she can be here whenever she wants, but she still seems so sad.

Am I selfish for wanting to make a family with my new partner?

What can I do or say to make this easier for her? Am also aware that it may not even happen and am slightly kicking myself for saying anything, but felt I needed to prepare them for the eventuality....

Please help!

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

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Enidblyton1 · 23/04/2017 23:45

Aside from the short amount of time you've known your boyfriend, I would think very carefully about the age gap if you have another child.

My DH and I have much older half siblings (>10 yrs) and our older siblings definitely suffered during their teenage years. On many occasions their lives were compromised because our parents were looking after a small child. This WILL affect your DCs negatively to some extent however hard you try.
Of course, there will hopefully be many positives too. My DH and I now have a wonderful relationship with our half siblings. From my experience, many of the positives come later, when all the children are adults.

None of the above me as you shouldn't have a child with your new boyfriend, but your DCs hardly know him. I can see why your elder DC is really worried. I would see how you function as a 4 before introducing a new baby into the family.

froofroomcgoo · 23/04/2017 23:44

I was going to say that you aren't selfish for wanting a baby but you would be to have one. And warn you that lots of people will say such things as she'll love it when it's here, which may well be true. However if you do have a child with this man you barely know, you may irrevocably damage your relationship with your daughter.

Then i realised you haven't even moved in together and have only been dating a year. You're nuts AND selfish.

brasty · 23/04/2017 23:31

Of course having a baby will change things for your current children. And her fears of being excluded from the family of you, your DP and the new baby, are valid ones.

Benedikte2 · 23/04/2017 22:34

Just drop the matter for the time being. After your BF moves in see how things go and then make a decision about another child but DO NOT involve your DDs. Children do not get to make such decisions, or at least they should not. Would you discuss what sort of contraception you should use with them, or whether to have a termination?
At your age a year or two will not alter the odds of your getting pregnant by very much. If you do get pregnant for heavens say nothing until after you get the all clear re genetic conditions. My own DM had another child when I was 14 and it really drew the family together (same DF but large age gap) . Your eldest will, by then be more involved in her own social life and won't be that interested in outings etc with you etc . Also remind her that she needs to think about you and your needs while she's off with her DF

JayZed · 23/04/2017 22:33

In the nicest way possible, you don't really know this man. Also, why constantly broach having a new baby for over a month with an 8 year old? Sadly it seems you've already made your decision

Onecutefox · 23/04/2017 22:32

What if your relationship doesn't work with him after the baby is born, then what? You will be left with three children? Trust your daughter. Why would you try to let your DDs down by having another child only because your new partner is in a hurry to have one? He is 32 but you're nearly 40. Think about it.

MadMags · 23/04/2017 22:30

It is way, way, WAY too soon for this. Seriously.

It's too soon to be bringing this man under the same roof as your dc. And it's definitely years too soon to be considering a baby.

Yika · 23/04/2017 22:30

It's not your children's decision, it's yours, please don't burden them with this responsibility.

Giraffey1 · 23/04/2017 22:28

You have seen this man just 25 times, you don't live together and you have asked your children how they feel about you having his Baby.? It just feels all wrong to me, sorry.

WinBigly · 23/04/2017 22:16

The ONLY reason you are rushing this is because of your age. If you were younger you wouldn't even consider moving this quickly

This, with bells on.

harderandharder2breathe · 23/04/2017 22:13

Don't have a baby with a man you hardly know. That's just batshit crazy

You've seen him fortnightly for a year. So what 50 odd days altogether? That's no time at all

YABU for moving him into your daughters home after so little time. He should move to your area and rent for at least 6 months so you can spend more time together and work out if this is going to work out. Then if everything is ok he moves in with your family

You're rushing into this because you're worried about your age. But you're going to end up with far bigger problems than a break up with your boyfriend if you carry on

Voice0fReason · 23/04/2017 22:10

The ONLY reason you are rushing this is because of your age. If you were younger you wouldn't even consider moving this quickly.
That tells you that this is a very bad idea.
Slow down - a lot! If that means that the baby doesn't happen, such is life.

228agreenend · 23/04/2017 22:08

why are you waiting until the end of the year for him to move in, why not sooner?

As others have said, you need to see how you both feel,when he is living with you, before deciding on having more children.

Alexandra87 · 23/04/2017 22:03

Dc shouldn't be involved in any decisions about having another baby imo

BestZebbie · 23/04/2017 22:02

Also if you do go ahead and have a baby, for god's sake sort out your will so that your current daughters cannot legally be disadvantaged in favour of this man you currently barely know and the new baby...

Shurleyshummishtake · 23/04/2017 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BestZebbie · 23/04/2017 22:00

Why do you want to "make a family" with your current partner?

You already have a family, can't he just join that?
If you 'make a family' specifically with him, doesn't that leave your daughters outside 'your family'?
When you say 'make a family' do you mean 'jump through whatever hoops he sets so that he will be my long-term partner'?

Did you feel at all interested in another baby before dating again?

MidnightAura · 23/04/2017 22:00

When I read the title, I was ready to say of course not but actually I think you are being unreasonable. You haven't been with this man for very long really, you don't even stay together why bring a baby into the relationship so soon? I do understand why your daughter feels how she she does. For the sake of your two children I wouldn't.

WorraLiberty · 23/04/2017 21:55

Any thoughts on the replies so far, OP?

PeaFaceMcgee · 23/04/2017 21:53

You can't possibly make such a decision on a 1yr long distance relationship. Utterly irresponsible of you.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/04/2017 21:52

OP listen to the PP

Do not rush into having a baby here - regardless of how loudly that clock is ticking !

SuperBeagle · 23/04/2017 21:52

You've known the bloke for a year, only see him every fortnight (so you've seen him, what, 26 times in total?) and you're already wanting him to move in with you and have a child with you?

Way too soon, and I can see why your eldest child is feeling distressed and put out by it.

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GabsAlot · 23/04/2017 21:51

u dont even live together!

reminds me of the recent thread wheere somone had a baby with their partner after 6 months-it ridiculous

why cant u at least wait till youve lived together awhile

oh and when i wa that age my parents had another baby i did feel left out i think it was my own paranoia but thats what i felt

Heratnumber7 · 23/04/2017 21:51

You've been with him a year, and see him every fortnight. Do that means you've seen him 26 times, and you're planning a baby?

Atenco · 23/04/2017 21:50

This is all true, living with him would be completely different from seeing him once a fortnight and you haven't a clue about what kind of relationship he would have with your children.

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