Manipulative and intrusive friend using our DC

[LoveToReadAibu247]

Background: My DH has a friend who's divorced and has a 6 year old son from that marriage. We have 3 DC, the older two are 6 and 4 and usually enjoy playing with most of our friends' children, including this boy. I get along with the boy's mum who DH and I have known for many years even before the breakup. My DH has been friends with this boy's dad for many years. The boy is obviously more attached to his mum as when the breakup happened he was still very young and the father was working abroad. Now that DH's friend is back in the country he is trying hard to spend time with his son and be involved in his life. All good and actually none of my business, neither do I want it to be.

We usually see this boy and his mum every couple of months for play dates, birthdays etc. However since his dad (DH's friend) has been back in the county my DH is getting phone calls very frequently (every other day sometimes) asking if our children can meet to play. His friend often suggests going out to a nearby fun fare which naturally gets young children very excited. The thing is sometimes it is not convenient for us to meet (we also have a 4month old baby now) or we may just want to stay in to relax rather than spend an afternoon and lots of money on electronic games at a loud fun fare . My DH ends up saying yes to him most of the times as friend has no other friends with children that age and DH feels sorry for the boy. I am however extremely annoyed that DH's friend seems to be using my DH's kindness and our DC to keep his son happy with him on the days he has contact with him (up to now his son would often refuse being with him as he finds it boring). I get that he is DH's friend and things must be difficult for him, but for me this is getting overbearing. Especially as DH finds it hard to say no. Instead of spending quality one to one time with his son building a much needed bond, DH's friend insists on meeting with us so our DC can play.

Today DH and I went as far as having an argument over the frequency of these meetings when his friend phoned to invite us again. I said I can't do this so frequently and DH said he is doing it for the boy's sake. I am very close to ringing the boy's mum (who I know well) and asking her how to tackle this. She may not know this is happening on the contact days of her DS with his dad and honestly I hate to tell on DH's friend in this way. I don't want to be rude or unfair to DH's friend. But he is manipulative and intrusive. I am hoping the mum can talk to her son and explain he doesn't need to go with his dad just because he is promising a fun time with our children. However if I do this I will risk being disliked by DH's friend if he finds out I talked with his ex about this. DH's friend will need to find a more honest way to inspire his son. AIBU? What would you suggest i do? My DH will never be firm or impolite to his friend so not really an option.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

We are in exactly the same position as Iamastonished. We have no family locally. Dd is a very active and sociable child. She wasn't designed to be an only child. But circumstances are what they are and we weren't able to have another due to my health. She is very hard work even at 8 nearly 9 unless there is another child around because she wants to do things with me or be with me all the time. If only I weren't chronically ill, it would be a lot easier. But I can't do bike rides and walks and all the other things normal parents can do.

I can totally see why dhs friend is contacting you regularly. It makes his life a lot easier and makes his ds happy. That said, you are not there at his disposal whenever he has his child and something needs to give. I know it would be noisier as you said upthread to have him and his ds over. But I think you it would be a good idea to have him over and talk to him about how this arrangement isn't working and give him ideas of activities to bond with his child. In the long run, going through the additional stress of having him at your house for the occasional day may pay dividends.

Your dhs friend is using what could be interpreted as manipulative tactics by getting his ds to speak to yours. But it may not be calculated or devious. He hasn't seen his child grows and learnt from the experience of other parents so he is more likely to make more mistakes.

[DaemonPantalaemon]

as he is a very gentle and polite person who likes to avoid upsetting his friends

But clearly not gentle and polite enough to avoid upsetting his wife

Why do his friends matter more than you?

[Janeofalltrades1]

I don't think DH's friend does it intentionally. I don't think he knows what he is doing to be honest. I would say to ask for DH to speak to his friend and reach a compromise. Get some activity going without going to a fun fare. I would not go to the ex about it behind the friend's back, ever.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

In response to your last post, I don't know exactly what you're asking.

You're not bu to want to talk to your dh about having less contact with this man. Nor would you bu to talk to this man as I said above. Does that answer your AIBU question?

[NoSquirrels]

Your DH doesn't need to be rude about it - just withdraw gracefully whilst offering alternatives to begin with. So - can't do funfair but let's do the park. Can't do today but how about next Sunday. That's not at all rude and easy to get used to saying.

[pictish]

"Yes most of you are right -things would be easier if DH could say No more frequently but that's how he often is with friends as he is a very gentle and polite person who likes to avoid upsetting his friends."

So your plan of action, rather than the most obvious one of having your dh man up and take responsibility for his friendship and reasonably say no thanks, is to become manipulative and intrusive yourself and involve this guy's ex wife?

That your dh is gentle and polite is neither here nor there - HE is facilitating this intrusion on your lives by going along with what his friend wants like a doormat. It's his fault.

[NoSquirrels]

YANBU to ask for feedback on whether your DH is creating a problem by not saying no sometimes- he is.

YWBVVVU to make YOUR problem with YOUR DH into the divorced mum's problem with her ex - she divorced him, she's not responsible for his behaviour, she knows he's difficult presumably or they'd still be married.

[pictish]

I agree that this friend has probably got no idea that his invitations are causing so much strife.

[bugattiveyron]

Perhaps you could say yes but today we are going to x but you'd be welcome to join us if you like and then the dad will find new places to take his son and get to know the area better so when you step down the contact he's got more idea where to go and what to do?

[Joinourclub]

Just say no! If your dh says 'oh I told X we will go out with him today' just say no and then let him deal with it! Nobody can drag you out of the house!

[quietcountrylanes]

Blimey, I hope those parents considering leaving an abusive partner and are quickly cheerily reassured that friends will support them don't read this

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Who is taking the children on these every other day outings? Is it DH agreeing to it but you doing it?

If this were my DH, he would be talk to the other dad about things he could be doing with the kids. Being a normal mate really.

My DH values family time together so he wouldn't sign us up to excessive days out. Have you tried framing it with DH as denying your children family time? Also point out that he's not actually doing his friend any favours if he's helping his friend avoid learning how to have fun with his child.

Do not contact the mother. If anything intervene on the phone to the father.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

quiet what? Did you post on the wrong thread?

[IhatchedaSnorlax]

Your problem is your DH, not his friend. Your opinion of your DH is also skewed - he's not that nice a guy to put a friends feelings before his own wife's & disregard your wants / needs for family time.

The friend probably has no idea that any of this is an issue.

[Bluntness100]

I also think you're being unreasonable. Your husband won't do what you wish so you want to put a stop to it by telling the mother snd causing problems there. Would you tell your husband that's what you were going to do? What does he say about it? If you haven't told him and wouldn't it's highly manipulative .

Its a discussion to be had between you and your husband and if he continues to say no and go along with his friend, there is little to nothing you can do.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I wouldn't want to be an essential part of a none family child's contact arrangement either.
Neither would I want to be the main cog to a Disney dads plan.
I also wouldn't want to end up sending my dh and children to do so 2-3 times a week without me.

As a parent I also wouldn't like unknowingly standing by whilst the other parent of my child risked trashing their long term relationship with the child (as tends to happen to Disney parents) and there are quite a lot of things one parent can do behind the scenes to support the parenting and relationship in a totally none confrontational or hostile way

[Fanciedachange17]

I'm a bit confused by the every other day comment in your post. The father is having his son every other day? Is this right?

I agree that I'd be a bit fed up at entertaining another child every other day especially as you say that you used to meet up with the Mum every couple of months for a play date. So you're not that close?

Are the two boys best friends now? Or do they both have different sets of friends from school?

It sounds as though the Dad is the lonely one and has been thrust ill-prepared back into his son's life. He will adapt and learn so please do not take it upon yourself to "inform" his Ex wife.

I cannot see how there are that many days to go to the funfair what with school and shared contact so I'm guessing this has just been over the Easter holidays.

I think YABU and a little unkind tbh. If the boys have a strong friendship then I'd have no problem with DH taking them to the loacl park with a football or cricket/ rounders bat. Hell, I'd be making a picnic and taking all the dc and inviting all the friends/mothers from school to be joining us. It would be great fun for everybody and the Dad would start to make adult friends and gain confidence. Be fun for your dc as well.

[KC225]

I do get where you are coming from and it's wrong of him to keep encroaching on your family time. I think it is lazy parenting but to give him the benefit of the doubt perhaps he doesn't know what to do. Maybe a few suggestions his way. Are there any activities he join the son up to? Football, trampolines etc. How far is the son from school, perhaps the Dad could arrange for one of his school mates to meet up. Think about things like swimming, cinema (early morning cheap cinemas are everywhere now) climbing walls etc. We had a yearly ticket to the wetlands and would go every week if only a walk and they arranged lots of activities throughout the year. Local papers and mags like families often list events. Perhaps introduce him to things he can do with his son and arrange with your DH to say once every three week or monthly.

You should also tell him NOT to ask your child to do amusing without running it by you first.

[CrazedZombie]

I can see why you're annoyed but the mum can't stop contact from happening because the dad is using your kids as entertainment. She would be in trouble with the judge. Using your kids as entertainment is no different from visiting extended family with his son.

It's hard to know if the dad is being lazy or has seen how much the boy enjoys playing with your kids and recreating that situation every time. It's like having buying a certain brand of biscuits when a friend comes round because they enjoyed them last time. Playing devil's advocate but the dad might not realise that he's being clingy. He might think that if the kids were at the same school then they'd be playing daily in the playground so 2-3 times is reasonable.

Are you going to these play dates or is it just your h and the kids ? I would be telling your h that once a week /2-3 times a month is plenty and put my food down.

Send the man websites about what's on for kids for your area. Facebook is good for this- there's sites reviewing playgrounds at parks, one-off events like fairs... Our local sports hall is seemingly crappy but they organise events like having one of those ladies visit with reptiles and spiders.