Manipulative and intrusive friend using our DC

[LoveToReadAibu247]

Background: My DH has a friend who's divorced and has a 6 year old son from that marriage. We have 3 DC, the older two are 6 and 4 and usually enjoy playing with most of our friends' children, including this boy. I get along with the boy's mum who DH and I have known for many years even before the breakup. My DH has been friends with this boy's dad for many years. The boy is obviously more attached to his mum as when the breakup happened he was still very young and the father was working abroad. Now that DH's friend is back in the country he is trying hard to spend time with his son and be involved in his life. All good and actually none of my business, neither do I want it to be.

We usually see this boy and his mum every couple of months for play dates, birthdays etc. However since his dad (DH's friend) has been back in the county my DH is getting phone calls very frequently (every other day sometimes) asking if our children can meet to play. His friend often suggests going out to a nearby fun fare which naturally gets young children very excited. The thing is sometimes it is not convenient for us to meet (we also have a 4month old baby now) or we may just want to stay in to relax rather than spend an afternoon and lots of money on electronic games at a loud fun fare . My DH ends up saying yes to him most of the times as friend has no other friends with children that age and DH feels sorry for the boy. I am however extremely annoyed that DH's friend seems to be using my DH's kindness and our DC to keep his son happy with him on the days he has contact with him (up to now his son would often refuse being with him as he finds it boring). I get that he is DH's friend and things must be difficult for him, but for me this is getting overbearing. Especially as DH finds it hard to say no. Instead of spending quality one to one time with his son building a much needed bond, DH's friend insists on meeting with us so our DC can play.

Today DH and I went as far as having an argument over the frequency of these meetings when his friend phoned to invite us again. I said I can't do this so frequently and DH said he is doing it for the boy's sake. I am very close to ringing the boy's mum (who I know well) and asking her how to tackle this. She may not know this is happening on the contact days of her DS with his dad and honestly I hate to tell on DH's friend in this way. I don't want to be rude or unfair to DH's friend. But he is manipulative and intrusive. I am hoping the mum can talk to her son and explain he doesn't need to go with his dad just because he is promising a fun time with our children. However if I do this I will risk being disliked by DH's friend if he finds out I talked with his ex about this. DH's friend will need to find a more honest way to inspire his son. AIBU? What would you suggest i do? My DH will never be firm or impolite to his friend so not really an option.

[saracrewe2]

OP your problem is your DH, not the friend. He needs to say no.

[WateryTart]

Agree with this ^ 100%

DH problem.

[ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual]

I actually agree with you that the friend is potentially being manipulative/lazy, and you can't be expected to be available for their every contact time. That being said, you need to sort with your dh how many meet ups you're prepared to do weekly/monthly and stick to it. Don't involve the mother at all.

[beingsunny]

That's a mean an manipulative thing to do, stay out of it.

It's quite daunting being a single parent to a young child, I doubt he has any other reason than fear that his son won't enjoy himself and will reject him for the next visit.

He likely found a formula which his son has lived and is playing it safe, over time he will develop that relationship but likely the previous rejection has knocked his confidence.

Offer help and advice instead.

[Believeitornot]

Why do you have to go as well? My DH is perfectly capable of taking the dcs out without me.
Stay st home the next time it happens.

[bimbobaggins]

It harder sounds as though he's being a master manipulator. He's asking you to join him on a day out, presumably so his dc can have a bit of child company.
Just say no. I don't see why you feel the need to tell the boys mother either

[bimbobaggins]

Hardly

[Iamastonished]

Here's another point of view:
DD is an only child. We have no family nearby. When she was little she longed to have someone to play with, especially on a Sunday afternoon. I used to hate having to trawl around trying to find someone for her to play with on what was essentially a day for family time. I didn't work full time and OH works from home so DD saw (and still sees) more of us than most children see of their parents.

Whenever I took her anywhere she always wanted a friend to come with her.

So perhaps the dad isn't being lazy and manipulative. Perhaps his son just wants the company of children his own age. Can you not understand that?

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

You're "having to deal with this" because you're not happy. You need to reach an agreement with DH. Don't let the children talk on the phone.

[hettie]

You're problem is with dh. If you don't want this happening so frequently and your dh doesn't mind it happening so frequently (even if the reason is because he's unable to say no/feels sorry) then your solution is compromise. You need to talk and negotiate to what is acceptable to both of you

[TerrorAustralis]

I agree with what italiangreyhound wrote.

gets his son to ask my 6 yr old son over the phone if he would like to go to the fun fair today with them without first checking with us

After you update, I think you/your DH need to call him out on this. Tell him not to let his son do this, and any time your families spent together is to be arranged by adults and in advance.

[Scholes34]

Your DH needs to suggest alternatives to the fun fair. I'm sure he can. A walk in the countryside with two 6 year olds can be great fun.

[CPtart]

Whether the request is for the benefit of the friend or the child is irrelevant. I would be irritated by this too. Does he have no boundaries or comprehension of intruding so regularly on family time?
The entertainment of his DC is not your responsibility and it's not your problem the boy has no sibling or seemingly any other friends he can ask.
Once or twice a month would be plenty. You're setting a real precedent here, it will be joint holidays next. Direct him to some 'where can we go?' type websites or some of your own alternative experiences.

[user1471558436]

How regularly is DH supporting the child/friend?

It would be the height of stupidity and utterly pedantic and heartless to shit stir with Mum.

It's fine for your DH to see his friend and support the child. It's kind and thoughtful. Yes the friend needs to develop a bond and it will naturally take time because he's been abroad.

Have a pep talk with the kids about the friend having lots of fantastic ideas for days out but the reality is that you won't do them all. It's not possible.

[user1471558436]

Prep your son to run everything by you both. Prep your son that he may or may not be able to go on suggested play dates. It's quite normal to not attend everything with friends.

Or if your son struggles to accept parental decisions, tell your son he's not allowed to answer the phone. Also both you and DH could answer the boys phonecall and say he's not to hand/busy washing up/doing Lego/on the loo/in the bath and what does he need? Can you help?

[pictish]

Agree with Terror. Your dh's friend needs to understand that you/your dh/your kids will not always be available for him/his son...but it is your dh's job to stop being such a pushover and say so.

Why does he always cave in? Has this guy got some sort of hold over your dh? If so, it's time for your dh to grow up and break it. The funfair three times a week is ridiculous. Being at this friend's beck and call is also ridiculous.Your dh needs to say no.

[pictish]

And yes fgs keep the mum out of this. It is nothing to do with her. It's shit-stirring in their family because your dh is too much of a wuss to say no. Don't do it.

[Buddah101]

I think you are angry with your husband and if you do speak to this other woman you could do massive damage in this boy's family, plus damage to your own relationship with your dh. Better to speak to your dh about the issues that this is throwing up.

This. I get the impression that you would like to relax a lot more but make about the entire family relaxing, if given the choice what would a 4 and 6 year old rather do - sit down and relax with their family while you both read the papers or go out and see the friend and get taken somewhere exciting for them.

If your dh doesnt want to take them and is feeling pressured then fair enough but it would appear he doesnt mind taking them out. personally Id love it - he takes the kids out and I get a break, can you look at it from that point of view instead of oh hes off with his friend again?

[AddToBasket]

YABU.

Your entire post could be avoided if your DH said 'no, thanks, we have plans today'. FGS, just get your DH to say that and all the rest of the stuff will fall away.

And if your DH won't then your problem is entirely with DH. The friend is just asking, that's fine. Now DH can say no. (And how are two 6yos arranging meet ups?! Say no to phone chats)

[NoSquirrels]

I see why you're annoyed. But in my world this is an easy fix - remind DH that funfairs are a real treat, too expensive for a regular meet up.

First time friend calls get DH to say no to funfair but suggest to friend something free like a picnic in the playground. Send DH & 2 kids, stay at home with baby.

Next time friend calls at short notice be unavailable (DH practices saying no!) but suggest another date.

Go out on pre-arranged date.

Basically shift towards mostly be available when it suits your family, arranging plans in advance. That's not rude or difficult to achieve. Don't let kids speak on the phone! No need for them to be in on arrangements. And don't worry about being the bad guy saying no if it's for a good reason.

[Xmasbaby11]

It doesn't have to be a fun fair or every week. Can't your dh take the older dc to meet them at soft play once or twice a month?

[Imaginosity]

I don't see anything manipulative in him trying to help his child enjoy themselves by spending plenty of time with your children. He sounds like a good dad.

If you don't want to go just say 'no thanks, we can't make it today'! Simple!

[NoSquirrels]

And it's not "sad" that your kids are an incentive- I can think of LOADS of my friends/trusted adults that my DC woud be perfectly happy to see alone but practically frothing with excitement about playing with their kids. This week alone that's been the dynamic in our house. If I offered them the chance to spend time alone with me, or to also invite some of their friends, there's no contest. And mine aren't an only child just finding their feet with a divorced dad who was absent a lot growing up. It's not sad - inconsiderate of your family time, but quite normal from little boy's point of view.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I think its difficult for the friend if ds is reluctant to go with him. I can understand why he is frantically trying to think of what to do..its desperate rejection to call for your dc and he not want to come..l feel a bit sorry for him. Could they just take a football and play in the park or take a run through the woods. Free stuff. That stuff would be good for your own dc and as no money involved less likely to cause resentment. Maybe your dh could suggest his friend set up a routine like swimming every sunday when he collects him..There is a difficulty that if the boy gets used to always having company he will be awkward alone with his dad.
Maybe draw his attention to an event in the area so he can bring him there and bit by bit he can stand on his own two feet. Your dh sounds kind though which is nice.
I feel particularly sensitive about this subject as my ds sees his dc every other weekend and l always keep an eye out for stuff they might enjoy together. He always makes a simple plan beforehand and is actually very adept at coming up with stuff now but earlier it was more difficult for him. And l saw his vunerability behind the scenes.

[LoveToReadAibu247]

Yes most of you are right -things would be easier if DH could say No more frequently but that's how he often is with friends as he is a very gentle and polite person who likes to avoid upsetting his friends. But that's why I am asking if IABU to get your feedback as I am not sure if I am or not any more when I talk to DH about this issue.