To be pissed off at in-laws cancelling again

[LittleMermaidRose]

Nearly everything we've invited them too recently, they've cancelled at the last minute.

-Theatre tickets - they hadn't paid for them so we had to ask round our friends for someone else to go last minute.

-Dinner with friends - got everyone else to change resturaunt to a different part of town so it was more convenient for them (even though it wasn't for everyone else) then cancelled less than an hour before we were all due to meet.

-My BFF kindly invited SIL to her birthday night out. SIL asked her to change it to a different night so she could make it, BFF did, then SIL didn't show up!!

-Today we're stuck with cinema tickets for a film they had wanted to see, DH has already paid for them online and now they say they're both working today, even though DH asked them last night if they were still free to go.

They're always say they want to go to, make plans for times, travel etc.. then just cancel out the blue, usually leaving us to foot the bill. I'm totally understanding that sometimes people's circumstances change quickly but I just feel they're extremely rude. A lot of the time they're excuse is that they want to spend time with their daughter. This really annoys me because any other time they're happy enough to fob her off to PIL or us when they want time to themselves. Why is it ok for them to leave us with the hassle of trying to find someone else to use their tickets?

AIBU?? I think it's unfair for them to make everyone change their plans for them and then don't follow through with them themselves.

I don't want to invite them anywhere again, but DH does because it's his family.

[EweAreHere]

I think if DH wants to keep trying, you have a right to insist on a compromise: they book and pay for any meet ups, and you agree to reimburse them when everyone shows up. If they don't show up, they eat the entire cost or faff about getting someone else to go, etc.

That would be entirely reasonable under the circumstances.

[Daisydots]

Maybe they are arguing a lot and then end up not wanting to go out. Doesn't excuse their behaviour but might be an explanation.

[BakingWithPreSchoolerand6YO]

Like TheFirstMrsDV said, this makes me wonder if either SIL or BIL have anxiety.

At my worst with my anxiety I can be like this. I'll agree to an event when feeling okay, and will be looking forward to it. Before an event of anxiety builds I get stuck in a sheer panic of "what ifs" and often end up cancelling. I always pay up front for things though to at least prevent people being financially affected.

Other thought was marital problems / fertility issues that they're trying to hide from the wider family

If there aren't anxiety/ marital / fertility issues they're just selfish and flakey.

In any case make them pay in advance and definitely stop rearranging things to suit them when they're almost certain to cancel last minute anyway.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

You know they do this yet keep rearranging things for them and paying in advance?

Stop coughing up and pandering to them - problem solved.

If you want to be friends with them that's fine but do it on your terms so if they come they come. If they don't, no harm done.

[LittleMermaidRose]

There's no anxiety issues that I know of, and I'm sure DH would have mentioned it if there was.

I don't want to keep giving them chances, but because they are family DH wants to include them. We always have a great time together when we do hang out.

I often wonder if they feel it's ok to treat us like this, because we are family!

Each time they cancel I do voice my opinion loudly to DH, but because it's usually either the excuse of work or their child, it's seen as something that's beyond their control. Even though, like I said, they're happy to leave their child any other time.
It makes me seem like a bitch if I moan about it.

They are the golden family to my in-laws. I think this has made them feel superior to us. They are totally selfish.

[MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig]

Stop making plans with them. When you never see them because they don't bother inviting you anywhere you'll see how much you mean to them.

[NabobsFromNobHill]

Anxiety is not an excuse for treating people like shit. It's a reason people might cancel a lot, it isn't a reason they make everyone else change their plans first, or leave people out of pocket, or act so rudely.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Mermaid - of course you can still invite them to stuff, that's being inclusive. Of course you can! but what you must stop doing is inconveniencing yourselves for them.

If it matters not a whit that you change the date, then be accommodating - but if it does matter, then don't! Just say "Sorry you can't make it, another time then".

If you book tickets, ONLY book your own. Tell them where you've booked if you like, but say you aren't able to book more than for your own family and you hope to see them there.

It's a subtle form of one-upmanship - "we're more important than you" style - so you need to remove that feeling from the situation by taking their power away, and the above will help you with that.

[embo1]

FFS. Stop paying for them - ask them to book for a time convenient to them. If they ask you to book, ask for the money first and let them know how much you have stumped up for tickets they didn't use. When they ask to change plans to suit them, don't, and remind them of what they did last time.

[ScarlettFreestone]

Agree with everyone else:

Stop paying for them. Ever.
Stop rearranging things for them.


Tell them why.

"We'd rather you paid for your own tickets, you know you don't always turn up"

"We're going to stick with the original arrangements. Last few times we rearranged for you, you didn't show up".

You don't have to be angry/aggressive/rude when you say these things just polite and firm.

If your DH wants to invite his sister that's fair enough, but lay down some cast iron ground rules.