AIBU to think it's possible to change

[onlyinshakespeare]

If you really want to, it's possible to change, isn't it?

I feel, looking back over the last ten years, I've been on the brink of a breakdown for much of them I've had physical and emotional trauma manifesting itself in awful PND, job losses (I have never been sacked but it has gently been suggested to me I spend more time with my family on 3 occasions ) serious illness, bereavement, I could go on.

I do have three beautiful children and I am healthy - physically - and in many ways I have so, so much.

But I do feel so sad and guilty and troubled. Sad that my behaviour took my family to the brink and back, sad that I seem to be unable to work and have children, sad that so many stupid anxieties have meant we can't live life to the full.

So - my AIBU - is it possible to change? Can you 'cure' yourself by deciding 'I am NOT going to be that person any more.' Or does it always need professional input?

[JamOnMyNose]

You're welcome JustABitOfUncertainty it's such a good book.

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

Thank you JamOnMyNose, that looks just like what I was after. I have ordered it .

[Lightningflash]

Yes, it is possible to change. If you decide you want to change. Things to do yourself, is determine what the big picture of what you want to be like is (What is your end goal). Then work at small steps to get you moving in that direction.

If it is to do with over spending - looking at budgeting and reward systems or even just find a new interest that gets you energised so you aren't shopping out of boredom or 'because it is what you always do'. Try to recognise your triggers for certain behaviours and then preempt them.

I think it is important to find someone who you trust and admire to be accountable to. Even if it is just a casual chat once a month allowing them to ask the tough questions and sharing your triumphs as well as the slip ups.

Surround yourself with people who have the attitudes that you'd like to emulate.

[JamOnMyNose]

JustABitOfUncertainty The first book I read was Stop Thinking Start Living by Richard Carlson. I recommend it to everyone.

[midsummabreak]

Meant to add italics as this was OP's quote: It's hard as I think over the years what began as illness has become a habit.

[midsummabreak]

It's hard as I think over the years what began as illness has become a habit.
Our habit of responding happens when we follow a well worn pathway of neuron responses in the brain. You tend to respond with the same habits/behaviours each time, and well worn neuron pathways are followed time and time again. Hence you feel 'stuck' in old habits/patterns of thinking and behaving as you re-enact that same well worn pathway of neuron responses. You really can change this, but need to have new ways of responding that can work for you, have the motivation to try and try again ( get back on the ol horse when you inevitably fall off) , and have the mental and physical energy to keep re-establishing new habits over a long period of time. I have succeeded to change some habits, like giving up smoking , overcoming fears, yet other some of my other self defeating habits are an ongoing project. Go for it :) Also don't beat yourself up about not being able to work and do it all with three young kids No-one can do it all alone, and we all have unavoidable life experiences such as you have experienced like illness and the death of family/friends which throw us off course

[ChasedByBees]

There are different types of talking therapy - have you tried CBT specifically? It doesn't explore years of history, it deals with the current situations and your way of thinking and approaching the world and gives guidance on how to rebalance that.

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

JamOnMyNose any book suggestions that helped you?

[JamOnMyNose]

Yes, absolutely you can. I did.

A few years ago I realised that most if not all of the problems I had were created by myself (not money problems in my case) however, for years I had been blaming everyone else and treating people appalingly. I told myself interesting stories to justify my behaviour. Like yourself, I had illness, trauma and bereavement in my life that wasn't dealt with at the time and I believe this manifested in other ways.

It took a particular event that lead to me almost losing important people in my life who had put up with me for years before I would admit to myself that I was the problem.

Even although you want to change, if it has become habitual behaviour, it would be easy to fall back into the usual habit without knowing how to avoid that, books and online selfhelp worked well for me.

In my case I had to make good with someone and appologise, with the others I couldn't come right out and say "hey, I have been a bitch to you" so I just found little ways of putting it out there without dragging up all the shit from the past. I let them know that I recognised that my behaviour was a problem and I made sure they knew I was serious about changing that. It worked and has continue to for 5 years.

You will only know if it is possible to change if you try. Good luck x

[onlyinshakespeare]

Hmm but I don't think I am depressed, now. I was once but not now :)

[HappyFlappy]

An excellent self-help book for depression os "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. I found it very helpful

Another is "Depression: The way Out of Your Prison" by Dorothy Rowe (all of her books are brilliant).

Depression is a dreadful curse. I do hope you are able to work your way through this.

[Dragongirl10]

OP , l think you CAN change significantly and do it alone, the big first step is to recognise you really want to change, which you have done.

First decide what it is about yourself you want to change and why, then write how the new you looks, put it where you see it every morning and decide to live that day in your 'new' way. It will take practice lots of practice, and you will make mistakes and revert back sometimes, but the more you focus on what you want to be the closer you will get.

It is the little consistent things that add up to permanent changes, determination and a refusal to give up on where you want to be will get you there.

Good Luck

[JustABitOfUncertainty]

Try this OP
<a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491423550&sr=8-1&keywords=the%20chimp%20paradox&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">//www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491423550&sr=8-1&keywords=the%20chimp%20paradox&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Chchchchangeabout]

Sorry didn't mean to post twice...

[QuiteLikely5]

When it comes to MH sometimes you really do just have to take the bull by the horns. A lot of people think that there is a medical cure but imo there often isn't - the medicine just helps you cope (and I am in no way downplaying medicine)

BUT

Sometimes you have got to be strong and tell yourself that you have to do things, that your illness is impacting upon your DC and you will be damned if it's going to affect them too

Also it's not necessarily a bad thing that you don't want to talk to a therapist- sometimes you need to look forward and not back.

Don't hold on to the anger - forgiveness is the best form of self interest

Go girl!!!

[Chchchchangeabout]

There are different approaches to and beliefs about change, even among counsellors. Have a look at accredited counsellors also trained in NLP and/or Tony Robbins books e.g. Awaken the Giant within. The latter has some interesting views on quick/immediate personal change.

[Chchchchangeabout]

There are different approaches to and beliefs about change, even among counsellors. Have a look at accredited counsellors also trained in NLP and/or Tony Robbins books e.g. Awaken the Giant within. The latter has some interesting views on quick/immediate personal change.

[onlyinshakespeare]

The problem with therapy on the NHS is that it's for a very limited number of sessions and I would have a backlog of YEARS of stuff. I think really now it's about moving forwards. Besides a lot of therapists are not very good, sorry but they aren't x

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

To an extent this resonates with me too (and I think MN can be kind of a harsh place if you're low - I don't mean this thread but sometimes it's not ideal to be given it straight when you're struggling). I was referred for CBT a few years ago when my DM was recently diagnosed with the illness that killed her. I waited so long that we'd moved out of area before I heard anything. Same happened where I moved to but this time they passed me on to a local mental health charity and from the look of their website their counsellors were laypeople with basic training. I didn't go for it. One way I did get some talking therapy was by taking some time of work and ending up referred to occupational health. It was ok but I found the counsellor simply agreed with everything I said instead of challenging me or giving me strategies. It was good to have someone understand my pain but not really helpful to know that it was only to be expected and therefore I sort of had to just accept it.

I'd be interested in recommendations for non-woo books if anyone can suggest any.

[Owllady]

Sorry I cross posted x

[Mysterycat23]

YY counselling and CBT made me feel so much worse, it was like taking crazy pills. Adverse outcomes have been proven for small but significant percentages of people. No treatment is one size fits all, be it therapy, drugs, self help etc. I also found being labelled meant people stopped helping me and just wrote me off instead. Appalling.

[MatildaTheCat]

You have to really recognise and take ownership of the behaviours you feel you want to change and then put in place strategies for dealing with them. The extent to which it's possible to do this completely alone must vary depending on the individual and the circumstances.

You seem resistant to getting help from a professional but if, say your problem is overspending could you learn all you can on budgeting and financial management? The stick to said budget?

People definitely can and do change, I've seen it and without any external help but it's never going to be easy. Do you have anyone to support you and clear goals as to what you'd like to achieve? I think small steps would be best. It's too much to try to change lots of things together. Imagine trying to give up smoking, drinking and go on a diet all at the same time.

So be realistic and celebrate small steps. The keep a track of success and sticking to it because short term changes are relatively easy whereas long term is a way of life.

[Owllady]

Why do you think talking therapy isn't for you? And it is available on the nhs, either specific (addiction etc) or general

[Mysterycat23]

Yes!!!

Power of Now.

And years of focus. Saying "I need to change" won't do it. You have to want it more than anything. You have to face up to all the pain and shit and inconvenience. But yes. You absolutely can do it.

[onlyinshakespeare]

I have tried it wonko thanks. Regardless what evidence and research says (and there is also evidence and research indicating counselling is not always helpful) if it's not for me it's not for me.

It's hard as I think over the years what began as illness has become a habit.