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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it's possible to change

46 replies

onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 17:31

If you really want to, it's possible to change, isn't it?

I feel, looking back over the last ten years, I've been on the brink of a breakdown for much of them Blush I've had physical and emotional trauma manifesting itself in awful PND, job losses (I have never been sacked but it has gently been suggested to me I spend more time with my family on 3 occasions Blush) serious illness, bereavement, I could go on.

I do have three beautiful children and I am healthy - physically - and in many ways I have so, so much.

But I do feel so sad and guilty and troubled. Sad that my behaviour took my family to the brink and back, sad that I seem to be unable to work and have children, sad that so many stupid anxieties have meant we can't live life to the full.

So - my AIBU - is it possible to change? Can you 'cure' yourself by deciding 'I am NOT going to be that person any more.' Or does it always need professional input?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 05/04/2017 17:45

You can't just decide to be a different person. It takes work and probably best to see a counsellor to help you change the way you think about things.
If you don't want to get professional help, then yes. It's possible if you read some self help books.
Change can't happen overnight though. It's a long process.
In the past I had counselling and I also read lots of books which helped me understand myself better. I feel I have changed gradually over years and looking back I realise I am now a very different person to the person I was.
Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 17:46

Thank you. I don't really trust counsellors or counselling and am lost as to how people afford it!

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 05/04/2017 18:32

The best way to change is to get out of a situation. For example, when my sisters and I were older children (I was 16 doing a levels and sisters were older) my mum left and got a flat by herself she said the change made her happier. I was exactly the same, I was severely depressed and then I got a full time job doing something I loved instead of finishing my a levels and moved out then. I think you need to be proactive and make a scary jump to be happy. It was extremely hard for my mum and me to do these things but we did it and now we're both a lot happier. Good luck!!

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 18:33

Thanks for replying.

I don't really mean like that though ... I mean, when you see your own actions and behaviour and are committed to changing them, is that possible? Can you turn it around?

OP posts:
FlappyFish · 05/04/2017 18:36

You can change. I've turned my life round in recovery from alcoholism and depression.

I've had professional help though. Also lots of unprofessional help in the form of AA.

picklemepopcorn · 05/04/2017 18:43

I was full of rage and gave myself and others a really hard time. I had CBT and began to understand my 'inner world view' was a bit crooked, and am much happier, calmer, kinder.

Gottagetmoving · 05/04/2017 18:44

I don't really mean like that though ... I mean, when you see your own actions and behaviour and are committed to changing them, is that possible? Can you turn it around?

Of course you can if you are willing to put in the work! Wanting is not enough, it's only the start.
Why not read some books written by people who have achieved change?
Some people have lived horrendous lives and turned it around.

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 18:45

I realise that but I suppose I am wondering what putting in the work looks like.

OP posts:
Owllady · 05/04/2017 18:50

Of course people can make positive changes to improve their life and outlook
I think you might need to be more specific if you want on going pinpoints off this thread though.
If you need to have talking therapy you can be refered for assessment by the wellbeing service through your gp to see if you qualify for counselling or cbt. It's generally 6-8 sessions but it depends on your need.

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 18:54

I'm not really sure what to say with being more specific. Just that I guess I wasn't very well and it impaired my judgement? So I did stupid stuff like spending money we hadn't really got?

I definitely don't want talking therapy and I don't think there's really any available on the NHS anyway.

OP posts:
JustABitOfUncertainty · 05/04/2017 18:56

This expression resonates with me: my 'inner world view' was a bit crooked. Are there any books you'd recommend? Sorry OP I don't mean to hijack. You've started an interesting thread.

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 18:57

Not at all carry on :)

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 05/04/2017 19:01

I definitely don't want talking therapy and I don't think there's really any available on the NHS anyway

It is available and I believe you can self refer without seeing your gp. Look up what's available in your area by googling talking therapy and your area.

You could try it just to see if it is for you. You may be surprised how helpful it can be.

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 19:02

It's really not for me, but thank you.

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 05/04/2017 19:06

Ok, it has to be something you want, I do realise that. I do however, think it is more difficult to do it alone.
I would recommend looking up books on the internet and see if any meet your needs.
It may sound daft, but I would also recommend walking or some exercise which will lift your mood if you do it regularly.

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 19:07

Thanks. It's not exactly that I feel bad, more that I recognise I need to change.

OP posts:
Boooooom · 05/04/2017 19:09

Have you considered hypnotherapy?

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 19:11

Is it expensive?

OP posts:
WonkoTheSane42 · 05/04/2017 19:32

Have you had experience with talking therapy so you know it's not for you or is this something you've decided without trying it? Because it does kinda sound like you're saying "I want to change x y and z about myself but I don't want to do the one thing that all the evidence and research suggests will help me do that, for no reason."

Ohyesiam · 05/04/2017 19:34

Have only read your initial post, but wanted to say that yes, it's possible to change, look at all those ex addicts out there.
Things that have helped me change how I feel, and therefore my life, have been meditation, EFT ( emotional freedom technique, lots on you tube);a book called The Artists Way, I'm no artist but it has some great "tools for change" ; Buddhist teachings, lots on line. Another book called The Secret.
Good luck with it x

Neverknowing · 05/04/2017 19:35

Sorry Shakespeare I probably got the wrong end of the stick. I think you defiantly can change your own mindset as I went through a lot of cbt and other therapies and they didn't help. I had to change my own mind I guess.
I think you should write a plan saying things that are upsetting or stressing you out and then write next to each thing something you can do to change it? Be really honest as well, having three children is stressful I imagine so maybe put that down and ask your DP to have them for maybe an hour or so a week so you get some time alone etc.
Would love for you to keep this thread updated so that we can see your progress Flowers

Original poster
onlyinshakespeare · 05/04/2017 19:41

I have tried it wonko thanks. Regardless what evidence and research says (and there is also evidence and research indicating counselling is not always helpful) if it's not for me it's not for me.

It's hard as I think over the years what began as illness has become a habit.

OP posts:
Mysterycat23 · 05/04/2017 19:43

Yes!!!

Power of Now.

And years of focus. Saying "I need to change" won't do it. You have to want it more than anything. You have to face up to all the pain and shit and inconvenience. But yes. You absolutely can do it.

Owllady · 05/04/2017 19:45

Why do you think talking therapy isn't for you? And it is available on the nhs, either specific (addiction etc) or general

MatildaTheCat · 05/04/2017 19:46

You have to really recognise and take ownership of the behaviours you feel you want to change and then put in place strategies for dealing with them. The extent to which it's possible to do this completely alone must vary depending on the individual and the circumstances.

You seem resistant to getting help from a professional but if, say your problem is overspending could you learn all you can on budgeting and financial management? The stick to said budget?

People definitely can and do change, I've seen it and without any external help but it's never going to be easy. Do you have anyone to support you and clear goals as to what you'd like to achieve? I think small steps would be best. It's too much to try to change lots of things together. Imagine trying to give up smoking, drinking and go on a diet all at the same time.

So be realistic and celebrate small steps. The keep a track of success and sticking to it because short term changes are relatively easy whereas long term is a way of life.