Letters home to parents of Uni students?

[Butteredparsnip1ps]

Posting for traffic, and looking for perspective. AIBU is whether I have given DD the right advice.

DD1 is in first year of Uni and enjoying it. Likes the course, loved placement, works hard / plays hard. Today though, her group were subjected to an angry 20 minute rant about poor attendance and threatened with letters home to parents.

There are some ironies here. As DD said, what was the point of ranting at the people who had turned up, when those who were absent missed it? Also her group includes a number of mature students who have missed lectures due to childcare and family issues. Are they going to get letters sent home to their parents too?

Although DD is on top of her work, she was worried as she missed some sessions before Xmas and again at the end of January due to illness. She suspects she may have a letter sent home, and rang in a bit of a panic.

My slightly cynical opinion is that the course leaders have become aware of poor attendance overall and so the Tutors have had a verbal kicking that they have passed down to students.

FWIW DD is very driven and doesn't bunk off. If there were any issues as a result of her illness, it would be possible to ask the GP she saw to confirm it, and we would of course support her. My hunch actually is that the rant probably wasn't aimed people like her, but at habitual non-attendees.

But. She is an adult who is paying for her education, so frankly whether she turns up or not (and the consequences) are hers. Why on earth would a university send letters to parents? And what would happen to the mature students? Surely all students should be treated the same??

So AIBU, or just precious?

[waterrat]

your daughter is being extremely feeble in being upset by this.

I can't imagine calling home from uni to report something so minor to my mum!

[5moreminutes]

That's insane. Perhaps it was actually a double dig from someone exasperated who keeps receiving phone calls from interfering parents making excuses and asking for extensions for their butter wouldn't melt adult-child, who are quite likely to have been some of the absent ones... Pretty unprofessional even so and definitely likely to be aimed at the wrong students!

YANBU - even if 18 year olds are missing all their lectures it is none of their parents's business...

Many moons ago when I was at uni lectures were not remotely compulsory, but tutorials were, and anyone missing more than 2 for any given unit would be sent a written warning then kicked off the course unless they could provide a very good explanation / proof of ill health.

[Sodomeyes]

keeplooking No, we wouldn't contact parents about unpaid rent. The rental contract is between the University and the student (if in halls). If the student gets into financial trouble, they have to sort it out (albeit with help from mummy and daddy).

Parents are usually on file as emergency contacts but that is the only circumstance in which parents would be contacted by the University.

[Liska]

Yup, what Sodomeyes said. I work for a Uni, and there is no way on earth that we would send anything to parents if the students are over 18.

That said, non attendance is insulting and disrespectful to both the tutor and the rest of the class. I would tell your DD not to worry - time off for illness is perfectly acceptable, and she's right that the people this was aimed at probably weren't there. What's most infuriating is that they are usually the most likely to want extra help around exam time, or to send emails asking questions that were answered during lectures. Or appeal their marks. grrrr.

[Sparklingbrook]

My DS would have rung/texted me to tell me, it's not feeble. It's just giving a heads up.

I would say 'don't worry about it' and that would be that.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

I'd be very if any uni sent letters home to parents. My uni was very clear when I started that we were expected to communicate them as adults, not to get our parents to do it for us.

Then again, in my first year I was eighteen, and a telling-off and threat like this would've put the fear into me and made me drag my hungover arse from halls to lectures by hook or by crook

By third year I was living out of town and had a daughter in childcare and inevitably she was poorly sometimes, and the thought of my tutors writing a letter to say "Your twenty year old daughter who is a mother in her own right has missed lectures, this is unacceptable" would just have made me laugh

Any uni that threatened or did this would lose a lot of respect from its students.

[Sodomeyes]

If your daughter has only missed a few sessions, she'll be fine to self-certify as being ill.

If she's off for an extended period (this will vary from University to University) then she'll need a doctor's note or some other proof.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

your daughter is being extremely feeble in being upset by this.

Rude.

She's probably worried that if a letter turns up, her parents would think she's skiving and be angry at her. If she's very driven and has been poorly, she's probably also worried about how her lecturers see her and how it could affect her studies.

Calling her "feeble" is a dickhead thing to do.

[LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt]

But. She is an adult who is paying for her education, so frankly whether she turns up or not (and the consequences) are hers.
Not necessarily. Students not turn up impacts on presentations, group work, etc. IME students with poor attendance also expect tutors to help them catch up. I'm now getting emailed over the vacation by tutees who couldn't be bothered showing up during term time, and want help because they have work due in at the start of next term.

However, writing to parents is a ridiculous threat. The university would be in breach of the law if it did this.

[80sMum]

My god, that's ridiculous OP! YANBU!!

When I was doing my A-levels at school, I often didn't bother turning up for lessons or just didn't bother turning up at school at all.

The school never involved my parents. The teachers warned me that I should attend or I might fail the exams, but that was my own responsibility, as someone who was no longer in compulsory education.

For a university to threaten to contact students' parents is laughable. What do they expect the parents to do, especially as some of the students are parents themselves anyway!

[thatdearoctopus]

When I rang ds's university to ask them something about ds's course of action when he was studying abroad (and the time delay and his cell phone contract meant he couldn't call himself), they refused to speak to me, as he was an adult and hadn't officially given permission. I had to ask a hypothetical question about a hypothetical student in a hypothetical situation.

[Hillarious]

Empty threat. The only input needed from parents is financial.

[Butteredparsnip1ps]

I sympathise with those of you who have shared their frustrations. It helps to have a perspective from the lecturers.

DD has also mentioned that she is frustrated with members of her group that don't contribute to team tasks and presentations. Now that they've had a few months to settle, I wonder if there is a divide growing between workers and shirkers?

[highinthesky]

Academics may be the brains but they are often left wanting in the common sense department.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

Now that they've had a few months to settle, I wonder if there is a divide growing between workers and shirkers?

It happens, especially on courses with a great deal of teamwork. In my experience the shirkers either buck up their ideas or fail/drop out.

[SmokingGun]

A few years ago I was studying doing a HE evening course at college and they sent a letter to my address along with a letter to my emergency contacts address (which happened to be my DM) inviting my parents to a parents evening. The letter was addressed to the parents/gaurdian of SmokingGun. Everyone on the course was a mature student and several had actually lost their parents. All of us complained and the course leader genuinely didn't see the problem and thought that our parents would want to hear how well we were doing

[DunhamO]

She is an adult who is paying for her education, so frankly whether she turns up or not (and the consequences) are hers.

I do think that's a bit of a selfish attitude to have. Whether a student is paying for their education or not, absence might have an effect on group work and other students. It's also unfair to take a place on a course that you can't be arsed attending, when someone else who would have worked hard and made a go of it may have missed out on a place.

That said, your daughter sounds like a hardworking student and it's unlikely this rant will be aimed at her. If she has absences that can be backed up by a GP and is generally hardworking then I'm sure she has nothing to worry about.

Ultimately, once you are at university age it is your own responsibility to manage your attendance and your life balance. The uni should not be sending out letters to parents, it's an invasion of students' privacy and ridiculous to expect parents to still be checking up on their grown up children in this way. There will also be mature students, probably with children of their own in the class- are their parents getting letters?

Actually now that I've typed it out, is it possible that it could have been an empty threat to scare some of the students who have been slacking? It sounds to stupid an idea for them to actually carry it out?

[LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt]

I have plenty of common sense, thanks, High as do most of my colleagues. I've never heard anyone threaten to write to students' parents, in fifteen years of working as an academic. It would be nice to be able to do so, mind you, because parents are quick enough to get on the phone threatening to sue when their offspring fails the module they haven't bothered submitting any work for. We can't even put them straight because of data protection law.

[Sodomeyes]

Now that they've had a few months to settle, I wonder if there is a divide growing between workers and shirkers?

Yep, this will most definitely happen.

The hard workers will team up, do some great work, attend well, get lots out of university and get good grades.

The skivers will also team up, do unimaginative and average work, attend poorly, get nothing out of university and get poor to average grades.

Your daughter sounds like a hard worker and I'm sure her lecturers enjoy having her around

[Sodomeyes]

Academics may be the brains but they are often left wanting in the common sense department

What does that actually mean, high?

[KateAdiesEarrings]

Maybe your DD has missed classes on top of her illness absences and that's why she gave you the heads-up. Of course the university can't send letters direct to parents but they can write to the student at their home address. Presumably if they are considering disciplining students over lack of attendance then the parents will find out about it too.
I wouldn't have been telling her that it was her choice whether she turned up or not. That's the opposite of what the tutors were hoping to achieve and as PPs have pointed out your DD agreed to a code of conduct and attendance when she joined the university. As a parent, I wouldn't have undermined that.

[Butteredparsnip1ps]

Not necessarily. Students not turn up impacts on presentations, group work, etc. IME students with poor attendance also expect tutors to help them catch up

That's a good point, and I'm guessing in part, that's where the rant has come from. So while the letters home threat was ridiculous, it sounds like there are some frustrating tutors and lecturers.

[LordRothermereBlackshirtCunt]

And it actually isn't a choice whether to attend. Well, it is, but there are consequences. My university monitors student attendance (it's partly to do with Tier 4 visa requirements, and partly to ensure that students, many of whom have mental health problems that could have serious consequences, don't fall through the net). There is a regulation that allows academic departments to terminate the student's registration if they do not attend for more than x weeks.

[Sodomeyes]

Presumably if they are considering disciplining students over lack of attendance then the parents will find out about it too

No, Kate they wouldn't. The contract is between a student and the university. It's absolutely nothing at all to do with parents. We would never tell parents anything (aside from contacting them in a dire emergency) about students. Even if a student was booted out, we would never ever contact parents about it.

[Sadik]

OP, clearly YANBU. But just perspective on the comments about crap attendance above - admittedly from many years ago. I attended lecture courses where you needed to make sure you sat near the edge so you didn't end up being the one of 3 people in the middle of the bench who couldn't edge out unobtrusively. They were the ones given by
(a) the lecturer who purportedly spoke English, but appeared as far as anyone could tell to deliver his lectures in Italian (this was not a modern languages degree).
(b) the lecturer who appears to have been used by JK Rowling as a model drawn from life for Professor Binns. To the extent that when I read the books to DD, I went and checked to see if she had done the same degree as me.
(c) the lecturer whose lectures bore no resemblance whatsoever to the supposed course content - or indeed frequently the degree subject.
The lecturers who delivered useful relevant lectures had packed out halls and you had to get their early to get a seat. (I will pass rapidly over the attractive academic in skin-tight leather trousers who always got a good turn-out for perhaps less elevated reasons . . .)