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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my teenager to try and be happy for a change?

72 replies

Sladurche · 31/03/2017 20:45

I work full time, so does DH. We have a fairly good standard of living. Two cars, grammar school education, leafy suburbs, etc. We go on holiday twice a year to where we have bought a holiday home.
DD1 is 14. From the moment I walk through the door, every day she is in my face; complaining about literally everything. Teachers, friends, pencil case....literally she could find the crap side to any subject you would care to mention. At the moment she is very upset because we are going on holiday and we always go to the same place, she has to spend a couple of days with her grandparents and she won't get to spend any time with her friends over Easter. I am afraid to say that (after several days of the same shit) I lost it and am now drinking a large glass of wine. Her answer "I thought I could trust you. I've got no-one else to talk to" stalked upstairs and slammed the door. AIBU to want her just to buck her ideas up and stop complaining?

OP posts:

lljkk · 01/04/2017 08:22

Should listen to teens when they want to talk.
Is she actually having a go at you, OP? Or is the moaning more like verbal diarrhea.

My kids & preteens have bored me witless with constant talk about Ponies, Warhammer, Clash of Clans, Trans gender rights, anti TG rights... I still made myself available to listen. I draw the line at having a go at me, or making more than a few comments about each other (I don't take sides).

Wando1986 · 01/04/2017 08:30

I think you sound more like the teenager than your daughter, OP. She's just trying to talk to you and figure stuff out in her head by getting out of her mouth. There is nothing wrong at all with that. Being a teenager these days isn't the same as when you were, it's probably worse as the social minefields are a whole new ball game.

Why not bother to book a short holiday somewhere she 'might' like and spend the time either relaxing on the beach or walking around the old city so she can get her snapchat and instagram on and fall in love with somewhere? Take her to Italy for a budget weekend (not that she'd know) or something.

Wando1986 · 01/04/2017 08:33

Jesus she's moaning about Italy? One of the most beautiful places? The Maldives is a bloody awful building site and will be for the next 10yrs. Nothing nice about it apart from the white sand.

Meeep · 01/04/2017 08:46

Yes teenagers are hormonal and life is hard as a teen and that's why they act like petulant ungrateful little shits.
But if nobody tells them they're being little shits how can they ever learn, and grow up?
You're not wrong to have lost your temper, even if it wasn't nice for her to hear.
Visiting your FIL is a family duty and that's part of life. Thinking about others.
Hopefully she will come round. X

saoirse31 · 01/04/2017 08:46

To be honest I'd cut down the length of time ur spending with fil in Italy. Look at it from her pt of view, its her holidays, and she's spending almost entire time with her relatives, where she's been every yr of her life, and having no time with friends. Its ur idea of a great holiday, not hers.

Getting childcare for a 14 yr old is infantilising, also having her stay away so ur alarm won't disturb her.

EachandEveryone · 01/04/2017 08:51

Can't you take her on a road trip to somewhere exciting in Italy or jump on the train? My nieces would kill to go to Rome.

NotYoda · 01/04/2017 09:01

I agree with lijk

I think that, as hard as it is, we sometimes have to just let them say their piece and get it out of their heads and out of their mouths and not take it personally.

What makes that so difficult is when it intersects with times when we are tired, or we are anxious, or we are feeling unsure or guilty about our approach to things.

But I think we have to take moaning and grumpiness on the chin to some extent (I draw the line at being sworn at, shouted at, or, obviously, physically hurt) because we are the adults.

I also think that losing your temper occasionally is really normal, and sometimes effective - I had a major tantrum the other day which spurred me into doing something I should have done a long time ago - make them do their own washing.

I also think it's a really good sign that she talks at/to you.

Original poster

Sladurche · 01/04/2017 09:21

She caught me at the wrong time. Usually I listen and console; but I was tired last night and had had enough. Have woken up refreshed and ready for more from teenager sometime around midday when she gets out of bed. I will stop infantalising her and offer her the option of staying at home on Sunday/Monday on her own. It will offend the GP no end, but that's their problem.

OP posts:

SpookyPotato · 01/04/2017 09:27

This shall pass OP. I had a lovely life at that age and was still a moody teen, although didn't winge like her.. I was quiet more than anything. I didn't care that we had a nice house etc, I don't think most teens appreciate that until they're older. I would have not wanted to stay at my grandparents despite loving them. It's such a weird inbetween awkward hormonal time! Just let her get on with moaning and maybe try and be lighthearted about it rather than getting stressed.. e.g. If she moans about the holiday, then just say "oh well it'll be fun!" Also: wine.

silkpyjamasallday · 01/04/2017 09:43

I was like this at that age, now I realise I was actually depressed. I couldn't see the positive in anything and it seemed as though everything was against me, and my parents told me I had nothing to complain about; but that isn't how depression works, it makes everything negative even if to the outside world you have everything you could ever want or need.

But it could just be general teenage grumpiness, you know your dd best

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 01/04/2017 09:47

Is it too late to take a friend with her? (Flights etc)

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 01/04/2017 09:47

I'm just thinking it might help her see Italy with new eyes rather than "this is boring, it's been the same the last 10 years"

Fingalswave · 01/04/2017 09:51

All teens are individuals. Some would be fine being left for eight hours and some wouldn't. Mine suffers from anxiety and wouldn't. So, op, you stick to your guns. You know your child and ignore the people on here who say with such certainty that what suits one teen, will suit another. It's not necessarily the case.

Glad you are feeling refreshed today op anyway. Teens can really grind you down and get to you sometimes. Compromise is definitely the way to go with this!

Crumbs1 · 01/04/2017 09:52

Normal teenage whingefest. Tell her to stop moaning and make her contribute a bit more towards household - chores etc. Tell her you love her but her behaviour isn't really acceptable.

Fingalswave · 01/04/2017 09:53

And yy to teens thinking everyone is against them.

reluctantlondoner · 01/04/2017 10:16

Oh I was exactly like this when I was a teenager. I now realise how selfish I was. But teenagers don't have that perspective and are very self-centred. I was extremely unhappy at that age (nobody understands me, the world is against me) but I grew out of it when I was a bit older - around 17. I absolutely hated having to go away on family holidays and miss out on social time with my friends (I also had part-time jobs which were impacted by being made to go away). By the time I was sixteen my parents left me at home and went away for a week with my younger siblings - better for everyone as I used to put a downer on holidays by sulking and moaning because I felt resentful. Obviously I realise now this was awful behaviour but had no idea at the time. She will grow out of it. If there is any way to leave her at home with a friend or family member then I would do that.

trinity0097 · 01/04/2017 11:12

A 14 year old does not need childcare if you have to work, let her stay home or go into town etc whilst her (presumably) younger sister is looked after by gran.

MommaGee · 01/04/2017 12:05

Re leaving her home alone, does she bed the shopping trip to get ready for holiday? Given the option odd everything she will miss, it might just grudgingly make her acquiesce.

It's not her choice of holiday. Can't DUH go on his own well of course it isn't, she's 15. She not paying for it. Anne can go to the Maldives when she saves for it. Meanwhile it has to be a holiday that suits the family in general

Ps for free holidays to Italy I'm up for adoption.

Sostenueto · 01/04/2017 15:47

Seems to me that your child may need help in coping with stress in her life and for goodness sake cut down the hours she is on social media. It actually inhibits her ability to learn (proven scientific findings). Ask about to see if there is somewhere that would help her. But at this age where the brains of teenagers are undergoing a massive rewire ( another scientific fact) it is really hard. My gdd does not have holidays like her friends, rarely sees them during holidays as they are so so busy going here and there and come back to school exhausted. My gdd chills out with her family, has the odd day out and is really cool, calm and collected (apart from pmt time). She gets bored of course but we get the baking tons out or the garden equipment and away we go, simple things, simple pleasures and even a picnic occasionally. Sounds like the old days but a pleasure to get away from a high tech world.

Meekonsandwich · 01/04/2017 23:21

I can totally understand why you lost your rag. It's wearing.

When I was in my teens, I was upset all the time, anxious, I would worry about nothing,I was being bullied and would come home and cry day after day to my mum who would offer practical advice and support and I just was not brave enough to implement, so I would just whine at how unhappy I was.

I was anxious and depressed.

But I think it's a wonderful lovely thing that she feels she can trust and open up to you, that is so precious.

After a while my mum would lose her temper because she couldn't fix my problems. But I didn't want her to fix it, I just wanted her to listen to me and understand. But it just crumbled my confidence and I stopped confining in her.

Maybe look into some councelling for her??

Some therapy? She needs to learn the skills to express why she's unhappy and communicate in a more positive way.

NotYoda · 02/04/2017 08:23

I also think that some of us forget that when you are teens, what your friends are doing and whether you are part of it is so important. Not just in bad ways, but in normal healthy ways: friend do6 become more important that family (with family in the background to support). Social media has made that even more relevant, because now, they can keep up with each other all the time and see^ waht they are missing.

So the thought of a long holiday away, when she thinks everyone else is around, is probably making her feel a bit panic-stricken.

dowhatnow · 02/04/2017 08:41

She is suffering from FOMO - fear of missing out.

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