To wish my parents would stop trying to control my decisions at nearly 40?

[ChasingMars]

They're just controlling and make me feel like a rubbish parent. They feel the need to forcibly offer their opinion on every area of my life and are great at turning on the guilt when I don't comply with their wishes.

The latest, which my mum has just guilt tripped me over, is leaving my 16 year old overnight on Saturday whilst DH and I camp over at a pub for my birthday- just a few minutes away by car. My mother thinks this is awful of me as we are also going away with friends the week after - but it's my 40th so a one off. I ran it by my 16 yr old in advance and she wants to stay home alone, she'll have a friend over and they'll order Pizza. But my mum has gone on and on about how DD will be long and it's awful that my kids are 'missing out'. She makes me feel so damn selfish!!!!!

[Deux]

Suggest to your mum that if she's that bothered she can come and stay with DD? How would that go down?

[JustSpeakSense]

My 16yo keeps asking when I plan to leave him overnight on his own (like all his mates parents do)

He wants to feel independent and have the house to himself for a weekend. To cook for himself etc.

He'd see it as a treat, I doubt your DD wants to come with to the pub fur your bday anyway.

[2rebecca]

That sounds unfair on the 16 year old who is having a friend round for pizza. She is too old to need a babysitter. I think if she's anxious and wants granny round or wants to stay at granny's that's fine but she shouldn't be having to babysit granny because granny is anxious. That is the wrong way round.

[JustSpeakSense]

Your DM sounds far too involved (quoting exam dates etc.) stop giving her information about your life, then she can't judge.

[Venchi]

I've had to learn to only tell my mother things after they're done and dusted because she would disapprove which ruined things for me.

Obviously she didn't have that much power to change my plans, but my own need for her approval was controlling me.

Now it's quite sad but I tell her almost nothing.

It's an adjustment in your communication style but you'll get used to it.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You are inflaming her worries by acting as if she has a say in the decision.

Every time you justify your decision it implies that you need her approval.

The statement about her misgivings having not changed is a dead giveaway that she feels like it is her decision and her responsibility. She is agitated that you are not obeying.

The kindest thing is to make it absolutely clear in words and actions that this is not her decision, is not her responsibility and you don't have to justify yourself to her.

"Mum, this is getting silly, you are making yourself crazy. It isn't your decision, it is mine and the decision was made weeks ago, it isn't open for debate. I love you. Chasing x"

[exexpat]

Is it time to be a bit blunt with your mother? Remind her that you are a fully-grown adult and responsible parent, who can make decisions about your own children without her interference advice? I would take a bit of upset and huffing if it makes her back off a little in future.

I've had to do this a few times with my mother, who isn't controlling as such but gets overly anxious about things (particularly the children, but also about things I do - going out on my own at night! on foot! in a well lit and very safe part of a city!). Where possible, I now don't tell her anything in advance that I think she will get anxious about - kinder to her, and much less annoying for me since I don't get all the questions/advice.

I am about to leave my 14yo DD with her 18yo brother for several days while DP and I go on holiday, and can't really conceal that, so I am not looking forward to the build-up of anxiety before that...

[ChasingMars]

Thanks everyone.

I have left DD overnight alone once before. My parents went spare.There would be parties. Drugs. The house would be destroyed.

Came home on Sunday to a wonderfully clean and tidy house. DD has had friends round.....and they had all stayed to wash up, tidy up and even mopped the floors.

I related to my mother that it had all gone well and she said 'yes but don't do it again. I can't stand the stress". Which backs up the idea that she thinks it is all her responsibility! DD sees a counsellor once a month- her boyfriend died last year- and even the counselor has said she feels my mum increases the stress.

I think minimal inform6sharing is the way to go.....

[handslikecowstits]

Speaking as someone who has controlling and abusive parents, my advice is this:

1.Tell your mother outright that you're a grown woman and to back off. Tough shit if she doesn't like it, kicks off. turns on the waterworks. Your life is not hers to live.

AND

1. Stop telling them things. If you've never been good enough then nothing is going to change now. They will never been the parents you want them to be and you'll never be as perfect as they want you to be.
   

I appreciate that it's easier said than done but in my experience, it gets easier with time. Put up boundaries, say 'no'.

[ChasingMars]

*information sharing

[reallyanotherone]

Exexpat, blunt doesn't work.

I will tell her point blank not to do something.

She does it anyway.

I say i am not happy, i asked her not to.

She says she did it because her reason

I say i didn't want that, i wanted it done my way.

I get told no, her way is how it should be done.

I tell her i don't care, my house/kids, it gets done my way.

Cue attack of the martyrs about how she's only trying to help, and if i don't want her to visit i should say, and her way is better so i should be grateful.

Repeat ad nauseum. She never gets the message because she cannot accept that i would do things differently.

I actually came home one day to a plumber moving my utility sink 5 inches to the left because "it needs doing". I am expected to be grateful. Doesn't matter how often i bluntly told her i didn't want it doing.

[TondelayaDellaVentamiglia]

just tell her you don't really care if she is happy or not, YOU are, and YOUR daughter is, so she can keep her worries to herself.

I also recommend never volunteering any information...my own mother is full of what she wants/will allow/thinks is right. Over the years she has realised that I really don't give a fig for her opinion!

[Dozer]

My parents both have anxiety problems (IMO), as do I (nature and nurture double whammy!) and interfere / express worry (as a way of seekinf influence) inappropriately. It took me many years to see it fully,m.

I have regularly told them to back off, usually politely. My sibling does this less politely! I also use "broken record" technique to shut down discussion.

At DH's behest I also "information manage".

OP you made the classic error of justifying your decision. The unsolicited feedback could be met with broken record: "we've made our decision".

[Dozer]

It's actually quite manipulative (consciously or not) to use frequent expressions of concern to seek to influence your choices. A favourite of mine is "we're worried you're not coping" (so I should do X, Y or Z).

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

really how did you mother's plumber gain access to your property?

[Dozer]

really

[reallyanotherone]

Rabbit, she'd come for a visit. I live a distance away so she'd stay for a few days. I went to work.

Even now i can't leave her alone in my house as she'll rearrange all my furniture "properly".

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

I can't imagine ever leaving my mother unsupervised in my house. I'm breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

[2rebecca]

My mother would have been ordered angrily out of my house and told she was never allowed in again unsupervised as she was an interfering old bat who needed to get a job or some hobbies in her own life and butt out of mine. I would also have told the plumber that I was disappointed he didn't check the person asking him to move stuff unnecessarily was the home owner or even lived in the house.
Some of you sound scarily passive.
Just get angry with these women and tell them to get on with their own lives.

[2rebecca]

I notice fathers rarely do this stuff. Is it a generation of SAHMs who just never really took responsibility for their own lives and wanted to live through their children forever?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If you have been trained from birth to pander to the crazy mummy then it is very very hard to stop. In RL people are often all "but its your muuuuuuummmm".

[reallyanotherone]

My mum was widowed young so i can't comment on the father stuff. With my mum i think she has been responsible for herself for so long she's never had anyone challenge how she does things or compromise for others preferences.

My only choice would be to go nc, as i can't stop it. I don't though as i know she honestly is trying to help, it's not malicious, and it would break her heart.

Like rabbit says the dynamic is a strange one. As a child and into my early twenties i believed her ideas were right, and i had bad taste/no dress sense/less experience of property. It's only fairly recently i've realised
that a lot of the time it's her opinion, not fact, and it's wrong.

I also get "she's only trying to help" from siblings and others, and am made to feel i'm unreasonable for being horrible to her.

She also has a fantastic line in going on and on and on and on and on about something until it seems like a good idea, if not just to stop her going on about it!

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

Actually my father is the one who would behave this way if I let him. I think a lot of it is similar to what Dozer said about anxiety, he worries constantly and everything is always worst case scenario. So it's also about his need to be in control, not necessarily to piss us off but because he seems to have this belief that he is the best person to make any decision and therefore avoid catastrophe .

I actually feel sorry for him sometimes but he's been this way since we were children and it had an effect. Whatever the reason behind it it's controlling behaviour and suggests a lack of respect for mine and my siblings ability to parent our children and generally run our own lives.

A mix of limiting the amount of information I give him about anything, bright and breezy assurances that all is in hand meaning mind your own business and occasionally losing the rag and stating exactly why his behaviour is out of order, mostly keeps him from overstepping too badly these days. Mostly. And I'm 41 this year...

[Dozer]

To a PP, don't be sexist and bash SAHMs!

Plenty of men and WoHM parents of adults who behave like this!

My father visited when DH was away for a few days (to "help"). He was concerned that the grass in the garden "needed cutting" and kept going on and on about it. Our lawnmower is kept in a shed with a tricky, old, rusty lock. DH has the knack of it and usually gets stuff out. I told dad nicely at first, then firmly not to try to get in (as the door might break or he might hurt himself).

Lo and behold, when I went out with the DC he went round to a neighbours for help with the shed door, then mowed the lawn. And expected gratitude.

[PandoraMole]

Thank your lucky stars - she sounds just like my mum.

I'm 41 and living with her atm, along with my 12yo DD. Tbh I'm not sure which of the three of us is going to crack first.

Agree with PP who said tell her things only on a need to know basis.