To stop my mum?!!

[nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice]

My mum is pressuring my nan to sell her house and move in with her. She's been pushing the issue for a few years now and my nan always says yeh maybe, just to appease her. But she really doesn't want to move. We have spoken about it many times and she always says she likes her independence and her home is the only place she feels close to her late husband.

Basically last week my nan hadn't been well. Just bad tummy reaction to some medication she's on and was feeling quite down. My mum kept asking her to move in and she sounded like she was considering it. Then bam, next day my mum has had a quote for a builder for £21,000 to build an annexe in the garden for her to live in and has organised an estate agent to value nans house. She's expecting my nan to sell her house and fork out the money to build the thing.

But the thing is, mum took in her MIL before she died and absolutely rinsed her dry. Made her pay rent and bills, food, got a new car out of her and tumble dryer. Since her MIL died she's spent all the inheritance (it was a lot of money! Im talking several hundred grand) and looks like she's trying to get everything she can out of her own mum now. I never said anything when my other nan was alive and it still grates on me. I don't want the same to happen to this one. So I phoned her this morning to see how she was and mentioned what my mum had said. Just as I thought, she still doesn't want to move and is so stressed out about my mum that she's not been sleeping. She doesn't know how to get out of it and mum is coming to visit her at the weekend to get the house on the market!!

I don't want this to cause a rift between me and my mum but I can't sit back and let her take advantage. Aibu to get involved? If she really wanted to move I would support her either way but she doesn't want to give up her home and my mum and nan arnt even close. I keep in touch with her more than my mum does. I just don't think her intentions are genuine. Argh. I think I might have to confront my mum on this one.

[Softkitty2]

Also your nan needs to 'save' her house just incase she needs help/carers/residential care in the future. The last thing you want is your mum to squander all the money away and your nans needs not being met.

You have to do something.

[Ele13]

The other key thing with LPA is that the people with POA cannot stop a person doing something just because it is "unwise". You can only do it if they don't have the mental capacity - and it Must be in nan's best interests. This reduces the risk to your nan - she can still leave it all to the cats home if she wants!

[CaveMum]

Another thing to consider is getting a "restriction" put on your nan's house. A solicitor can do this for you for less than £100, it just means that if any changes were made with Land Registry (change of name on Deeds or attempts to sell the property) you would be notified.

It's recommended that you do this for elderly relatives as there are scam artists out there who will try and pull this kind of trick and sell a property out from under a vulnerable person.

[Applesandpears23]

If she can afford it and would like it then you could arrange for a good local solicitor to talk to her about her will, POA and anything else she can do to protect herself. The other practical thing you could do is help her write a letter that says she owns [full address of house] and that [your Mum's name] has no legal right to it and is attempting to sell it. Put your phone number as the contact number. Then send copies to all the local estate agents.

[wisemonkey]

I think you are being very hard on your mum OP. My parents lived alone till they were in their 90s and were a constant worry, there was a series of falls, accidents, toilet problems and hospital stays. My mum developed dementia and stopped cooking. They couldn't look after themselves properly but refused to accept help from their children or anyone else. Eventually they moved into a home when my mum was not allowed to continue driving. So your mum might seem grabbing from your position 2 and a half hours away OP but I totally get where she's coming from and moving your nan into her garden seems an eminently sensible solution. The sad thing about old people is that their health doesn't get better, only worse. As an only child your mum will presumably inherit anyway and I think she is doing the dutiful daughter thing of caring for your nan. So yes I think you ABU. It's great you care about your nan but are you really prepared to move into her home and look after her?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Wisemonkey

Did you miss the bit where her mother already bled ops other grandma dry? Or the bit where op has said her mother has asked her to pay for a number of items. She's after the Crown Jewels now, not just the stray coppers.

[nicetoseeyoutoseeyounice]

wisemonkey I do get what you are saying. At the moment my nan is very capable of looking after herself but won't always be and I know mum worries about that. But my nan doesn't want to leave her home. And she most definitely doesn't want any family members caring for her. She's been very clear about that. She would prefer when that happens that carers come to her home. No I wouldn't be prepared to move in and care for her. I have a young family and she lives quite far away. When my mum took in my other nan she had a number of health problems including Alzheimer's and cared for her very poorly. I wouldn't trust her to take this nan in. They went on holiday 3 times a year and left my nan bedridden and incontinent for 2 weeks at a time with a timetable of one church member to check in on her twice a day and my brothers to check on her after work! And mum would go out all day sometimes and just leave her in her room with a commode. But she was very frail and her mental state awful so anything could have happened to her. On the outside she played the dutiful daughter in law but she neglected her very badly. Whenever my parents went on holiday I went down to see her to make sure she was ok. It was heartbreaking to see her health deteriorate so quickly. At one stage she completely gave up and refused to eat because she wanted to die. I can't let that happen again. I did speak to my parents about the situation at the time but mum was adamant (even though admitted to leaving her home alone) that she was well looked after. Her last years were miserable and I hold a lot of guilt for not doing more to protect her.