If that happened to me I'd....

[user1488655226]

Name changed for reasons that will become obvious.

We've been through the trial of a former au pair. He was found guilty of 13 counts of sexual abuse, including penetrative. A major part of the defence's case was implying that I wasn't "upset enough" when I found out because I didn't scream, shout and physically assault the bastard.

I honestly don't think I'm BU (maybe I am, let's see!), but my blood now boils when I hear people say "If that happened to me, I'd..." usually followed by claims of violence, revenge, rage and murder. For two reasons:

Firstly, you simply don't know how you will react in any major crisis situation until you're in it. For me, from the moment my world fell apart, my singleminded focus was on minimising the harm to my child - and what is scarier than seeing your parent lose it - hence I became uber-calm (externally).

And secondly, the more people say things like this, the higher the risk that others think that any other reaction is impossible - and therefore makes tactics like those of the defence barrister more likely to succeed. Thankfully, in our case it didn't - but that was "helped" (in the most screwed up way), by multiple children being involved, making an "it didn't happen" defence much harder in the first place.

So, if you don't think I'm BU, please just try to stop and think before being tempted into an "I'd..." comment. Even in totally different situations (a death, or a critical illness perhaps), spouting off about what you'd do can devalue the actions (and feelings) of those who have actually been there - and risks serious consequences.

There are plenty of things you can say, and do, to help someone in that situation if you want to, but speculating about yourself isn't one of them.

[Needcourage]

YADNBU

[Barbadosgirl]

Ugh. So they didn't quite want to go for the victim so they went for the victim's family? How revolting. YANBU. I hope you are all getting the support you need.

[WelshMoth]

For you OP.
I am learning from your post.

[StumblyMonkey]

YANBU. I'm so sorry that the defence used such a shitty argument.

People react in different ways to trauma and being externally calm to minimise the harm to your child is perfectly understandable.

I'm sorry you and your child have had to go through this

[AshesandDust]

I'm with you, OP.
There would be a lot of dead murderers, paedophiles, scammers etc
if people really did act like those who pronounce, 'I would have...'

The defence should be ashamed of themselves for coming up with
such a vile slur.