If that happened to me I'd....

[user1488655226]

Name changed for reasons that will become obvious.

We've been through the trial of a former au pair. He was found guilty of 13 counts of sexual abuse, including penetrative. A major part of the defence's case was implying that I wasn't "upset enough" when I found out because I didn't scream, shout and physically assault the bastard.

I honestly don't think I'm BU (maybe I am, let's see!), but my blood now boils when I hear people say "If that happened to me, I'd..." usually followed by claims of violence, revenge, rage and murder. For two reasons:

Firstly, you simply don't know how you will react in any major crisis situation until you're in it. For me, from the moment my world fell apart, my singleminded focus was on minimising the harm to my child - and what is scarier than seeing your parent lose it - hence I became uber-calm (externally).

And secondly, the more people say things like this, the higher the risk that others think that any other reaction is impossible - and therefore makes tactics like those of the defence barrister more likely to succeed. Thankfully, in our case it didn't - but that was "helped" (in the most screwed up way), by multiple children being involved, making an "it didn't happen" defence much harder in the first place.

So, if you don't think I'm BU, please just try to stop and think before being tempted into an "I'd..." comment. Even in totally different situations (a death, or a critical illness perhaps), spouting off about what you'd do can devalue the actions (and feelings) of those who have actually been there - and risks serious consequences.

There are plenty of things you can say, and do, to help someone in that situation if you want to, but speculating about yourself isn't one of them.

[AshesandDust]

I'm with you, OP.
There would be a lot of dead murderers, paedophiles, scammers etc
if people really did act like those who pronounce, 'I would have...'

The defence should be ashamed of themselves for coming up with
such a vile slur.

[StumblyMonkey]

YANBU. I'm so sorry that the defence used such a shitty argument.

People react in different ways to trauma and being externally calm to minimise the harm to your child is perfectly understandable.

I'm sorry you and your child have had to go through this

[WelshMoth]

For you OP.
I am learning from your post.

[Barbadosgirl]

Ugh. So they didn't quite want to go for the victim so they went for the victim's family? How revolting. YANBU. I hope you are all getting the support you need.

[Needcourage]

YADNBU

[Needcourage]

YADNU

[Needcourage]

So sorry OP that you and your family are going through this. Wishing you all strength and healing.

YADNBI.
When people say that, the affected person hears it as they haven't done the right thing... Even when the people saying that may be expressing their anger/grief/upset at the situation on your behalf... It is still a thoughtless (and hurtful) thing to say.
I have been guilty of that when I was in my teens (young and idealistic)...everything is black and white. Now I am older and living an adult life, I wince at the thought of my thoughtless younger self.
Sorry for having to hear that from people.

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Oh OP I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through

And you are definitely NBU. I detest the whole vigilante "if that happened to my kids I'd torture the bloke" etc etc. I always feel like saying "but you wouldn't would you because then YOU would be in prison and then your children suffer more". It's a load of crap, everyone would be angry but not wanting to physically harm them does not make you a bad person or unfeeling, in fact I think it's odd to want to go to that extent.

I hope you and your family can move past everything and please ignore stupid comments from others who don't know a thing about it

[chibsortig]

I hate all that 'if it happened to me i'd have..... if it happens to my child i will...... in your situation i would have......'
Well it didn't, it hasn't, and good luck with that!
I spent years playing the what if's through my head I don't need someone telling me they wouldn't have allowed it to happen or stopped it sooner. Do they not realise we already have these scenarios already playing on repeat. Its very easy after an event to say I would have done xyz and it makes the ones who did abc feel like shit :(

Sorry you have had to go through this, I do hope you have a good support network as its not easy being strong all the time.

[Tiptoethr0ughthetulips]

I am so so sorry you have been through this . YANBU in the slightest. I have nothing to compare to your story but my child had an accident that was life changing, I remained very calm at the time and during all of his hospital admission. Now however I cry at the mere mention of the people that treated him, the injury he sustained... it's all incredibly emotive.

I believe we go into a coping mode and once immediate danger is over we then process the enormity of it. I hope that you are receiving some counselling and taking good care of yourself.

[jay55]

I'm so sorry your family has been through this and I am glad you were able to see it right through to trial.

Joanne Lees was vilified for not being upset enough when her partner was murdered and it is an utter abomination this happens.

I think it has to become a thing of the past, like bringing up a rape victim's sexual history, it is not relevant to the crime commited.

[MermaidsTears]

I actually had a huge row with a friend over a hyperthetical argument about reactions if someone hurt your child.
I had children at this point but she didn't.
She said if anyone abused her child she would kill them, literally, and couldn't agree with any mother who wouldn't do the same.

I tried to point out that in reality what your child needs more in the world at that moment is you and your love and support and to help them get through things.
I pointed out what good would it be if you was locked up in prison, while your child is with relatives or whoever cruise their eyes out and needing you and feeling like it's their fault you are gone. I.e. if they never said anything you wouldn't be gone right now....

She just didn't get it.

All she could say was it was the right thing to do for your child...

I still stand by what I believe on the subject.

[ExplodedCloud]

YANBU. I sit on my hands a lot on here when I see 'I would...'
I've been in extreme situations where I didn't do what people say they would.
On a minor level someone crashed into my much loved classic car. I'd have said beforehand that I would have lost my shit if anyone dented my car. As it happened the conversation started with "Excuse me..." in the most British way imaginable
So yes people are full of shit in their projected reactions.

[havingabadhairday]

I was 7 when I was abused. People still say stupid things. I think it makes them feel safer, that it could never happen to them or their children because they'd do things right.

[womblewomble]

Thank you for saying this. I'm so sorry you had reason to say it though

[jakscrakers]

I was 11 and i still got the oh i would have done this, that, tother, it doesnt matter your age, your size, your stature, or anything we all handle things the way at the time we think best, afterwards we always think we could have, we should have ... but when you hear others say I would, why didnt she ...it hurts oh boy does it hurt, its as though they think your worthless cos you didnt react there way, guess what im now 50 and i know I did the best I could, i dont forgive, i dont forget but i move on, not for him or anyone else just for ME

[Birdsbeesandtrees]

I have to say in situations (nothing like you describe) where there has been danger to me or someone else I am with I have experienced a similar reaction to you and was surprised by it.

I don't know how I thought I would react but I was surprised all the same.

[Janet80]

One of the strongest, feistiest women I know remained silent through her attack and rape. She feared for her life and just wanted it to be over. Nobody reacts how they think they would, and I could never say how I would react.

[mumwhatnothing]

Similar vein but not the same

My mum died last year, I am in Aus and she was in UK. I went back to work after the 5 days bereavement leave and was questioned left right and centre how I could go back to work so soon. If it was them they would need more time off etc. I told them that number 1 my workplace didnt allow more time off, that I could do nothing for her at home and that we desperately needed the money. The staff were no better in their attitude either.
How you react/how you think you would react is so different and TBH I am in a worse state now about mum than I was 4 months ago.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable.

[HappyFlappy]

actually 'freeze' is the most common reaction to many, many situations

You are so right Ella - and it is not only thinking space, it can be shock, disbelief, grief, and guilt and self-blame - that we haven't realised that there was something wrong sooner, that we didn't do this, we should have done that, we ought not to have done the other.

Just getting your head round something shocking and painful and unexpected takes some doing.

As OP says - none of us know what our reactions would be. Many people go to pieces; others can only cope by clinging tightly to routine and "normality", especially where children are involved.

OP - You, your child/ren. your family have been through hell and it will only start to heal now that the court case is behind you. It will not be easy, and it will take time, but at least you have seen justice done, the children involved have been believed and you can now begin to grieve for what has happened, and start to put your lives back together.
{flowers}

[Asparagusupmynose]

I was indecently assaulted as a teenager and everyone I knew said, " I'd have......." You hear it as, you didn't handle it right, you did something wrong, I'd have handled it better. It was like a punch in the stomach everytime I heard it! The truth is nobody knows until it happens and we all need to think when we respond to hearing about things like this. You handled it well and did what was best for your child, instead of putting your own need to express your anger above your child's needs.

[greathat]

So sorry you had to go through this. There is no "right" way to deal with that.

[mrd]

YANBU, well said.

[Esspee]

I understand how you reacted OP as I have been in a sort of comparable situation. I froze and couldn't even speak. I hope you and your family can get over the trauma in time.
May the perpetrator and his defence barrister rot in hell. I don't know how these people who defend scum by attacking the injured party sleep at night.

[SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn]

I can't imagine how traumatic this has been for you and your family. My heart goes out to you and the strength and self control it must have taken (and still take) to navigate dealing with such awful events and the aftermath. I hope that you all have the support you need. You've raised a really important point - both in MN world and IRL. It's so easy to project from the comfort of an armchair. First hand experience is often less well scripted, more complex and far messier. Hopefully, having read your post there'll be more thought before wading in with 'I'd...'.