Aibu or is dh - kids and evenings

[ScaredyCat42]

Not sure how to word this but basically I suppose I'd like to know what the expected routine and behaviour is for your kids? I have a DS aged 9 and a dd aged 12. DS goes to up to his room at 8pm plays on his ipad and then settles down around 8.3pm. I help him get undressed and do his teeth and tell him when to settle down. He is pretty good and goes to sleep very quickly after this without coming downstairs or getting up. Dd stays up in her room more often than not but tends to find quite a few excuses to be up after she should have settled (between 9.30 and 10pm) ie, asking for a drink, or a plaster or anything really! My dh gets really annoyed at any interruptions after their bedtime, so he thinks at 8.3pm it should be a quick call up to tell Ds to go to sleep and is irritated if Ds asks for a cuddle or a drink. He also thinks once dd has gone up we should not hear from her again. Is this normal? I argue kids aren't programmed robots and don't always settle straight away and need a bit of time and attention but dh says I give too much time to them and I'm too soft. AIBU or is he?

they are not small children anymore. a bedtime of 8:30 sounds too early for dc that age tbh.

I expect dc to get ready for bed by themselves but we still read together every night and the older one watches tv with us until 10 or so on weekends.

Yeah my 3yr old gets himself ready for bed, I supervise tooth brushing and read story then he goes to bed and isn't up unless for the toilet. I see him when I turn his night light off and he is sleeping. Bad habits there sorry op

My two are slightly younger (10 and 8) and it's interesting reading what the next stage is. I was at boarding school so have no reference for what's normal past the age of 10.

I think your DD can get her own plasters and drinks. That said, DH still reads with our two every night, separately, and our 8 year old tends to need standing over "reminding" to put on pjs, so although they technically sort themselves out, "bedtime" is still a large chunk of our evening. I think that one to one is important though, especially as DH is out at work and bedtime is the main time the children get to see him. And to expect a 12 year old not to be seen or heard after 8.30 sounds a bit daft to me. But yes I do wonder if your 12 year old is popping down because she is a bit bored after 1.5-2 hours of sitting in her room by herself.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus Sat 11-Feb-17 23:46:47
"I often used to go and chat to dd at bedtime.

In fact. She's 17 now and has just come home from a concert and come into my bed to tell me all about it.

We only pass this way once."

And this.

The preteen/teen years pass so quickly. Don't lose out on opportunities to talk in an attempt to enforce some transitory idea of discipline.

Also, as they grow towards greater independence, the one thing that will keep them safest in a sometimes dangerous world is the knowledge that they can come and talk to you at any time about something that makes them uneasy and that you will not grudge that time.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at undressing a 9 year old!!?? Really ? And doing his teeth??
I haven't undressed mine since they were toddlers. I supervise teeth until about 6 years old.
You are doing your 9 year old a disservice. You need to teach him to be independent.
My 9 year old would laugh at me if I went near him to help him undress.

My 6yo gets himself ready for bed (I supervise showers and put toothpaste on the brush as he can't reach). I then read a story and sit on the floor outside his room until he falls asleep (I had a whole thread on here where I had what can only be described as a breakdown over his anxiety at bedtime).
I wouldn't be pampering a 9 year old and undressing him etc.
If/when my child can fall asleep without me being there then bedtime will mean bedtime. As it is he knows when lights are out there is no more talking or getting out of bed.

My youngest is now 11.
From an early age he has done the bedtime routine himself. When he was ready I would go in, tuck him in and read his story. Same as when the older ones were younger.
Anyone wanted a drink during the night it's water bottles. Taken when going to bed, filled by child.
Plasters are also available so no having to ask.

You are raising a future man child. It's not an admirable trait and no partner will be thanking you for this. Unless that's your plan for him not to have independence and
Leave home, instead stay at home forever.

I presume the OPs son gets changed and dressed for PE school so I imagine it's a routine that shes fallen into so he's capable
It really won't turn him into a man child!

How do all these man child's get it from?
Parents running around after their arses as children. It's learned behaviour.
These man children are more than capable of doing things outside their homes. Just
Like they do things in school. At home however, after spending 18+ years being infantilised it continues in adult relationships.
Just read many threads about man children. At work they cope. At home they are clueless. They go home to see his parents for visits and at least one of the parents are running around after his grown arse.

I argue kids aren't programmed robots and don't always settle straight away and need a bit of time and attention

At 9 and 12 they are more than capable of "settling" without any time and attention.

He's being unreasonable in my view. My kids aren't automatons or possessions to be bosses around, they are people. If they need us or something once they are in bed that's fine by me.

What does his expect them to do next year or in the future? My teenagers often go to bed after me.

My 14 year old completely sorts herself out for bed and would get her own drink. She has no set bedtime and goes to bed anytime between 9 and 10 depending and what she is doing and how tired she is. She has been doing this for at least 2 years. She literally places no demands on us and would be completely free to come and go until she goes to sleep. I would also help a 9 year old get undressed. I don't even do that for my 6 year old.

That should have said I would not help a 9 year old get undressed.

YABU
Except in an emergency, they shouldn't be coming down after bedtime. A 9 year old should be able to dress themselves and clean their own teeth.

Can your 9 year old change for PE by himself at school? Quickly?

Why are you helping him change his clothes at 9?!?

Sounds like quite an early bedtime for a 9 and 12 year old, btw, especially a 12 year old. It does rather sound like you're babying them both too much.

My 9 year old still has a bedtime routine! He might do the pyjamas and teeth himself but he still joins in story time (we've read loads together) he then goes off to bed whilst I sort the younger one, then I pop in to give him a hug and he often says a little about his day at that point. The only day it's not like that is after one of his clubs. He gets back at 9 so I just give him a hug and send him straight up. It is going to be strange to not share story time soon. It's been the nicest thing about being a mum for me. But I guess when he heads of to secondary every night will be like club night.

Why shouldn't kids come down after bedtime?

Why shouldn't kids come down after bedtime?

I don't want to sound patronising, but lets look at the word 'bedtime' together.

What two words can we see in there? That's right, 'bed' and 'time'.

So, what do we do at 'lunchtime'? That's right, we eat our lunch.

What happens during prep time? Yes, we do our prep.

Now, remembering what we've just spoken about, what should we be doing at bedtime?

-------------------------

Sleep is important for children. Adult time is important for parents. No one is suggesting locking them in a dark room or ignoring them if they want a serious conversation and we can all see the benefits of a wind down , chat with parents, reading together etc.

Can you really not see why children should go to sleep at bedtime?

yes sleep is important. but at 8:30 for a 14yo?
really?

Pmsl, thanks for that...But who are you to decide that another human being isn't allowed to seek contact with their parents? If my kids need something, they come and ask. They're greeted with a smile and a cuddle, and if needs be a hand hold back up the stairs once we have sorted what they need. Sometimes what they really needed was that contact, not really the glass of water or whatever.

But unless you would deny an adult a glass of water or some affection I'm not sure why you would a child.

But thanks for the attempt at condescension, I needed a good giggle this morning.

Wow at undressing a 9 year old! My just turned 9 year old has developed the need for privacy when dressing

And my three year old dresses herself

I do have a quick brush of 9 year olds teeth after he has done them to make sure everywhere has been brushed

Our bedtime is earlier than yours although eldest is 9 here. Once they are in bed I do expect them to stay in bed however they're kids so often this doesn't happen. 3 year old likes to come back to get x y or z but it's not a big issue

My dc are the same age as yours (no, I don't undress the 9yo or do her teeth, she'd be mortified if I tried!) They go to bed at 9pm. By and large they stay there, occasionally they get up to go to the loo but not that often.

I think a pp is right, this stage is on the cusp of losing adult time in the evenings and it's tricky to know how to handle it. Luckily both my dc enjoy a bit of time to themselves in their rooms with a book so are happy to stay in bed even if they're not asleep (for now!)

But thanks for the attempt at condescension

You're welcome, but surely it was condescending?

But who are you to decide that another human being isn't allowed to seek contact with their parents?

I think you misunderstood. I was talking about my approach and of course I think mine is correct. Don't we all? I wasn't "deciding", I was opining.

If my children feel sick or are worried about something then of course they're greeted differently. If they are trying it on and want 'contact' then they're escorted / sent back to bed. Because we're fairly strict with this, if they do come down there's usually something more behind it. It happens rarely though and we have our quiet time and chats before bed. Plenty of affection there. DH, me and boys all together for baths and stories and then a little one-on-one before swapping around so both parents have time with both children.

I wouldn't expect an adult to interrupt me to get a glass of water. I'd also suggest they take one to bed (or make sure there is one as I do with the children).

"Denied" is the very sentence I used last week when DH wanted 'affection' and I wasn't interested.

I work with children and can tell you fairly quickly which children get enough quality sleep and which don't. They don't need contact at that time of night, they need sleep to grow and to function the following day.

RedBugMug

There's a 9 year old at 8:30 and a 12 year old at 9:30-10:00.

We are struggling with this at the moment with similar aged children.

This is a genuine non-goading question to those of you who are ok with going up and down the stairs after bedtime, because your children want something: How do you cope, happily, with severely limited or no time to yourselves on an evening?

I ask because I feel that after we have spent all day from 6am with the family - which we enjoy and we want to do - we deserve a small amount of 'adult' time from 8.30pm or so.

Looking after a large family and house - and working as well - is tiring. I give to others all day and do it willingly. But I need a little headspace on an evening to be a grown-up and have a bit of peace. I am struggling to see how this is selfish. Just because I decided to have children does not mean I should relinquish my needs entirely, does it?! I am still a person too.

Therefore I am having trouble accepting it is OK for children not to stay upstairs after bedtime, so please do enlighten me because I may have it all wrong!