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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu or is dh - kids and evenings

96 replies

ScaredyCat42 · 11/02/2017 22:42

Not sure how to word this but basically I suppose I'd like to know what the expected routine and behaviour is for your kids? I have a DS aged 9 and a dd aged 12. DS goes to up to his room at 8pm plays on his ipad and then settles down around 8.3pm. I help him get undressed and do his teeth and tell him when to settle down. He is pretty good and goes to sleep very quickly after this without coming downstairs or getting up. Dd stays up in her room more often than not but tends to find quite a few excuses to be up after she should have settled (between 9.30 and 10pm) ie, asking for a drink, or a plaster or anything really! My dh gets really annoyed at any interruptions after their bedtime, so he thinks at 8.3pm it should be a quick call up to tell Ds to go to sleep and is irritated if Ds asks for a cuddle or a drink. He also thinks once dd has gone up we should not hear from her again. Is this normal? I argue kids aren't programmed robots and don't always settle straight away and need a bit of time and attention but dh says I give too much time to them and I'm too soft. AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 11/02/2017 23:36

Why does your 12 year old have to ask for a drink? Is she not capable of getting a glass and running the tap? Or if she wants a plaster getting one from the bathroom cabinet? I'm mostly with your DH on this one. Time for them to grow up just a bit.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 11/02/2017 23:37

He sounds like a bit of a jerk to be honest. If DD is making excuses to see you in the evening she obviously has a need to see you. Can you put aside a bit of one on one chat time just before bed?

It's her house too. You are absolutely right that she's not a robot and if she wants to come out of her room to see you then she should be comfortable doing that in her own home, just like he is.

YANBU, but your DH is VVU. If my DP was irritated that his own child wanted a cuddle he'd be out the door so fast. Children existing in their own home is not an interruption.

BlackeyedSusan · 11/02/2017 23:38

does he still need the help for a reason?

midcenturymodern · 11/02/2017 23:38

Talking about them not settling makes them sound like babies. I agree with your DH. They shouldn't be locked in their rooms but if they need a glass of water or a plaster they should be able to get it themselves without making a fuss. Older teenagers who don't have a bedtime won't be expecting their parents to stop watching TV or whatever to fetch drinks.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 11/02/2017 23:46

I often used to go and chat to dd at bedtime.

In fact. She's 17 now and has just come home from a concert and come into my bed to tell me all about it.

We only pass this way once.

Sara107 · 11/02/2017 23:49

For me, bedtime is bedtime. I'm too tired to be dealing with messing about then. Drinks at that time of night? No, will only lead to more trips later, needing the loo or setting the bed. DD is 7 and she is kised and patted and tells me all her worries and that is that. If she gets up she will be in trouble. Unless it's a proper problem, like a bad dream or sickness. Or sleep walking! That freaked us out when she headed out the front door in the snow in her bare feet and PJs!

oldbirdy · 12/02/2017 00:14

I have a 9 and 12 year old. 9 year old sent up at 9 to get his pjs on. He gets a cuddle on the way. If he wants a drink he makes it himself once he's got pjs on and puts himself into bed, he knows lights out is 9.30. 12 year old goes to bed 10pm on a school night. He does all that himself, I don't even tell him to go to bed; he showers and sorts himself out independently. On a weekend night he gets to stay up to 10.30 or 11 if he wants.

I wonder if they aren't that tired if they are reappearing? I do think 9 year old needs to sort himself out more. My 6 year old puts her own pyjamas on...

LillyGrinter · 12/02/2017 00:27

I was always sent to bed as a child so mum and dad could have adult time and I hated it as it has always taken me ages t go to sslee so bedtime was something I dreaded. I'm so much more laid back about bed time but luckily so is my dh. I'll sit with her and talk until she's sleepy.

Jenny70 · 12/02/2017 00:45

Perhaps look at ways to change the evening routine to have some time with you, without it being snuck in after "lights out" time. Maybe family game in PJ's, or reading story together, chatting about the day, even colouring/knitting/non-messy craft might give them the time they need to say things about their day - I find this time is when they start remembering things they wanted to tell you but were too busy to say.

What are you doing while DS is on ipad and DD is in her room before bedtime?

MommaGee · 12/02/2017 00:46

is irritated if Ds asks for a cuddle

Nice!

Oldraver · 12/02/2017 01:12

Yes I am very strict at no disturbances (barring genuine illness) after 9pm as I think that is adult me time. I like DS up before 9, occasionally there is something on tv I want to watch and sometimes I dont think it's suitable for DC's. DS is a bugger for just staring at the tv if you let him.

We dont mind DS (11) staying up a little later at the weekend but still try and get him upstairs before 9.

OopsDearyMe · 12/02/2017 01:16

Wow OK! My eldest is 10, DD2 is 8 and DS 6. We all go upstairs at 18:30 and start settling down. That's a gadget free time, no TV, tablets or phones etc. We all brush teeth and then DD1 goes up to her room (3 story house) DD2 goes to her room and does her homework quietly, I get DS in bed and read story then read to DD2, light off and settled by 19:30. DD2 had a reading light and uses that. DS is expected to go straight to sleep, bu will try not on. I tend to get all the obvious out the way, wee and a drink before the story etc. DD2 gets a 5 and 10 minute warning to go to sleep by 20:30.DD1 will be upstairs doing homework and generally amusing herself until tired and goes to sleep when she feels able to, she might go down and get a drink or use the loo. But that's all. She does have aspergers and sleeps v.little. Buon the whole they are v good at going to bed on their own.
I certainly don't dress or undress them. I am able to monitor tooth brushing because I do it with them.
I each TV on come on here in bed most evenings. As I'm on my own, I feel more comfortable upstairs.

OopsDearyMe · 12/02/2017 01:22

Clicked too soon.... I meant to say, your DH is being a twat. Your kids are older now, however the behaviour you describe I would expect of much younger children. A child of their ages should be able to go and get a drink etc, but not need to keep popping down. I think your enabling the babyish behaviour and need stop allowing it.
I am amazed that a 9 yearvbold boy is OK with being undressed and dressed by you, my daughter has been modest about her body around others for a while now.

wettunwindee · 12/02/2017 04:43

Ours (5 and 3), get themsevles undressed, have a supervised bath or shower, put their own pyjamas on, have 2 stories (each choses one) and then go to bed. That routine lasts about 45 minutes and we're usually out of their rooms by 6:30.

Unless there's a very good reason, we don't expect to hear from them again after shutting their bedroom door. They are sent straight back up on the rare occasion they try it on. They usually fall asleep fairly quickly.

nooka · 12/02/2017 04:58

We've always been pretty firm that bedtime is bedtime. Can't remember when we stopped with a parent led bedtime routine but at 9 they still had a bedtime story, so lots of pre bed time attention and then a kiss goodnight and we'd not expect to see them again until the morning. At 12 I'd not be particularly bothered if one of them needed a drink or something, but they would sort it out for themselves without bothering us. Does your dh not say goodnight to your children? Both of mine would have wanted kisses and cuddles before sleeping at those ages. And yes peak time for all sorts of troubles and worries to be revealed.

Paninotogo · 12/02/2017 05:26

Can't believe you undress a 9 year old, or that your DD asks for water. Is it such a problem for your DH if she is up and down for a while until she settles? I always am. She is 12, she needs what she needs.

OvO · 12/02/2017 06:09

I agree with others that your DS needs a little more independence at his age. Though supervising teeth brushing is normal (our dentist encourages it at this age), I wouldn't do them for him.

My DC are also 9 and 12. Bedtime is not a fixed event here either. I don't always settle right away either - it's annoyingly common that as soon as I'm in bed I realise I want x, y and z and have forgotten all of them or didn't realise I wanted them until too late. So I don't fuss when my dc do the same.

They often discover 5668 things they meant to tell me but have only just remembered right at bedtime. I let them chat as it's nice, plus if I don't listen now (when it's important to them even if I think it's trivial) they'll stop telling me stuff when older (and the stuff they have to tell is more important).

We do have rules - if you aren't tired you're free to stay up but no noisy play, no computers, and no bickering! Drawing or reading etc is fine.

So overall I'm on your side, OP!

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 12/02/2017 06:45

You are completely babying your 9yo. And your 12yo can get her own water.

IPad before bed is not good for sleep.

My routine with my 9yo is that she goes up around 7.45-8pm, gets ready for bed and then I read to her for about 5-10 minutes (something we both enjoy, we're working our way through some pretty exciting books).

Then kiss and hug, then same from DH. After that there's zero tolerance for any more requests or clamours for attention.

How else do you baby your 9yo?

budgiegirl · 12/02/2017 08:09

If DD is making excuses to see you in the evening she obviously has a need to see you

Or she's making an excuse to stay up later. I'm another who thinks that after it's bedtime, that should be it. If a 12 year old wants a drink, she can get it herself.
However, I do think that you should pop up once at lights out, for a kiss, cuddle and quick chat. That's a lovely time for me and my 11 year old. I still do it sometimes for my teenagers as well (although these days they come in to see me as I'm usually in bed before them!)

Somehowsomewhere · 12/02/2017 08:19

Im not sure on the routine for older kids as mine are tiny, but my 3 year old undresses herself for her bath and puts her pyjamas on afterwards. I'm pretty shocked that you help a 9 year old get undressed and that he lets you!

SavoyCabbage · 12/02/2017 08:21

Mine are 10 and 13. They get ready for bed and we both go and see both dc to say goodnight. Sometimes for 20 seconds sometimes for ten minutes depending on how much we've seen them in the evening or if they want to talk. DH reads to the ten year old because she still enjoys it.

Neither of them gets up again. They have water and if they didn't they would get some. If they asked me for a plaster I'd tell them to go back to bed. I'm not messing about with plasters.

cheminotte · 12/02/2017 08:21

Ds1 and ds2 both go up after tea, ds2 has first bath while ds1 reads/ plays with Lego. Once ds2 out of bath, ds1 gets in while ds2 does reading and has story read to him, then lights out. Ds1 gets out of bath, we do his teeth (he does his own in morning) then he gets a story and has his own reading time until 8 when dh or I send him to the toilet and then say goodnight. Both boys have their own water bottle by their bed. They are 6 and 9.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 12/02/2017 10:49

oops you take a 10 yo upstairs at 18:30 to start getting ready for bed?

corythatwas · 12/02/2017 11:03

By the time mine were 12, I was beginning to treat them a little more like adults. Yes, there were fixed bedtimes because they needed a certain number of hours sleep a night, but if they wanted a drink they could go and get it (just like I can if I wake up in the night) and if they wanted to ask about something they could (but would be reminded that they need to sleep).

Basically, I think you are on the cusp on a time where you will not be able to ask for "adult time" downstairs and you just have to find other ways of relaxing in the evening. My youngest is 16; by the time I was dropping for bed last night, he was still out partying. Grin That's only 4 years from where you are now.

Think about how you can make that transition as smooth as possible, gradually working up to more independence. Nothing wrong with a cuddle before bedtime, though; don't think of it as an imposition, but as something people who love each other enjoy doing, to show each other affection at the end of the day.

Is your dh a little afraid of losing control as they grow up? I've got some bad news for him: he will start losing control. But that is not (hopefully) because they become out of control, but because the control passes into their hands.

Are you a little afraid of losing control? Is that why you are still thinking of them as much younger than they are? Same answer. Show them how competent and independent they are.

JustAnotherYellowBelly · 12/02/2017 11:25

May be projecting but...

Maybe both kids like the one to one attention with Mum? Do they get any other time with just you, without your DH around?

At 16 my bedtime was 9pm as my step dad just didn't want me around, ever, and I remember sneaking into the kitchen and getting mum's attention so that she could "go to the toilet" and I could tell her something important (actually important, not just the fact I needed a wee).
My mum never realised how controlling he was, it was just "how things were".

Just another opinion as it may not just be the kids being kid-like