Aibu or is dh - kids and evenings

[ScaredyCat42]

Not sure how to word this but basically I suppose I'd like to know what the expected routine and behaviour is for your kids? I have a DS aged 9 and a dd aged 12. DS goes to up to his room at 8pm plays on his ipad and then settles down around 8.3pm. I help him get undressed and do his teeth and tell him when to settle down. He is pretty good and goes to sleep very quickly after this without coming downstairs or getting up. Dd stays up in her room more often than not but tends to find quite a few excuses to be up after she should have settled (between 9.30 and 10pm) ie, asking for a drink, or a plaster or anything really! My dh gets really annoyed at any interruptions after their bedtime, so he thinks at 8.3pm it should be a quick call up to tell Ds to go to sleep and is irritated if Ds asks for a cuddle or a drink. He also thinks once dd has gone up we should not hear from her again. Is this normal? I argue kids aren't programmed robots and don't always settle straight away and need a bit of time and attention but dh says I give too much time to them and I'm too soft. AIBU or is he?

[Sittinginthesun]

Actually, slight correction - on Friday evening, I'm usually in bed by 9.30pm, and my eldest tucks me in.

[Sittinginthesun]

I think you're all being a bit harsh on the OP. My two are 13 and 10. Of course they are completely capable of getting themselves to bed, but my 10 year old still likes a cuddle, chat and bit of a fuss (and I have been known to get his pyjamas out as we chat). 13 year old potters around, but still likes a bed time hug.

I used to love my mum popping up and tucking me in, even when I was a student home for the holidays.

The only rule we have is, once I've tucked them in, I'm not going back up unless there's a real problem (nightmare, projectile vomiting etc).

Bedtime 8.30pm - 9pm for youngest. 9pm - 9.30pm for the biggest.

[Somehowsomewhere]

Realistically, how much is it disturbing you if your 9/10/11 whatever year old comes down for a glass of water after 8.30pm? Surely it's not a massive inconvenience?
I don't think I had a set bedtime after around the age of 10, and was free to come up and down as I pleased. I can't remember my parents ever seeming annoyed by it, thankfully.

[PuppyMonkey]

Sorry managed to delete half my post then. I meant you should leave your 9 yo to it as long as asleep by 9-9.30

[PuppyMonkey]

I think you need to leave your 9 yo to it and I think your 12 yo should be left to it, as long as you know she's not on t'internet till midnight etc.

and if she DOES come down and want a chat or a drink, so bloody what??!

[EineKleine]

Sorry wine, by "up after 8.30" I didn't mean that you wanted them asleep by 8.30, but in their own rooms and not disturbing you at all. Fair enough to enforce no dicking about and getting into fights, absolutely. That would drive me round the bend. It's a completely different kettle of fish from padding about getting the odd drink etc.

I will miss my CSI when DD's bedtime next gets later though. Might have to buy another telly...

[anxious2017]

My DS is 8. He'll shower himself, dry his hair, put clothes and towels in the lanlundry, brush teeth, PJs on, say goodnight and settle himself in bed. He is able to look at the clock and have half an hour of TV or iPad three nights a week then turn it off to sleep, or half an hour of reading four nights of the week. Then it's lights out and sleep. He only gets up to go to the loo and never to complain or request things. He's been doing most of that aside from the showering and hairdrying since he was about 3, though he always had a bedtime story /cuddle until he could read himself and wanted to do it independently. He is very independent and prefers to do these things for himself. He'd be horrified if I tried to dress him or brush his teeth!

[wineusuallyhelps]

We're not doing lots of stuff, didn't mean it to sound that way. I also didn't say a 12 year old had to be asleep by 8.30.

They do stuff like come down with invented issues. Have a fight on the landing so we have to go and intervene. Decide to mess about with water in the bathroom. I think the term is "dicking around" 😂. They are quite entitled to be awake and doing their own thing (alone, not going in their younger sibling's bedroom and waking them!).

Oh well - I'm sure it'll improve with time and consistency 😬

[EineKleine]

wine what is all this stuff you are doing for them after hours? I guess having younger ones complicates it a lot.

I don't think we have sanctions - if you instigated a tougher punishment for a 12 year old for being up after 8.30, I would wonder if you are fighting the right battle.

[notinagreatplace]

wine - could you book a babysitter from time to time so you can go out? Even if it's just a couple of drinks at your local.

[corythatwas]

wine, by the time your children get to preteen age (not to mention the teenage years) you deal with this by making sure you are not wearing yourself out by waiting on them during the day

train them up to be as independent as possible, let them help out with jobs that need to be done- and make sure they bring you the odd cup of coffee while you are putting your feet up on the settee

[wineusuallyhelps]

Thanks einekleine and heymammy.

This obviously depends on the children then. My eldest two are 10 and 12 and are in the business of plaguing us or each other! It's as if they can't accept that the day is over (no matter how late it is). It's not every night but enough to be an issue. I guess I need a different and more effective kind of sanction!

Give me a newborn baby any day! Much simpler 😉

[heymammy]

wine we're not talking about little kids here, we're talking about 9yrs+, so, I don't spend my evenings going up and down the stairs. My older two are 10 & 13. They head up to bed around 9/9.15, then I go up about 10 minutes later to have a chat with each of them and to say goodnight. If they need anything after that then they sort it out themselves but I have no problem if they pop back downstairs.

Youngest dc is 4 so he is still very much in a bedtime routine and gets short shrift if he shouts for me more than a couple of times after lights out.

I think what most posters are trying to say is that 'bedtime' evolves as dc get older so we need to change our expectations.

[EineKleine]

wine we don't go up and down the stairs. DH goes up once to do stories etc, which admittedly takes an age, then if the DC want anything else they come down. At which point I pause CSI, they say can they have a drink, we say yes but only 2cm, and the child then gets it. It doesn't eat massively into my life. The younger one we will occasionally go up with him once to "re-tuck" him if he asks but then that's that. I guess because it's only occasional, we don't begrudge it. If we were scampering up and down stairs pandering to every whim each night, something would have to change.

And as PPs have said, we are not far off the time when they are too big to give us adult time in the evening anyway. I reckon it'll be like them giving up naps - we will miss it but we will find a new normal.

[taptonaria27]

My kids are the same age and sex as your two.
We send ds up tonnes at 8.30 and remind him to brush his teeth, once a week or so I'll tuck him in/ give him a cuddle if I'm upstairs putting away washing etc
Dd goes up at 9 officially often it's 9.30, she can be with us if she wants until then. More often than not she's in the other room watching friends or some such.

[pipsqueak25]

wine agree with you totally have been there, done that. after a busy day with kids you need some adult time in the evening, it's hardly selfish to want some time by yourself or with partner. some people are so wrapped in their kids that they forget their partners /spouses.

[pipsqueak25]

once my dc were 8 they were getting themselves undressed and sorted out for bed, no way would i have had them keep coming downstairs after bedtime and i would only go up to them if there was a problem [not trivial] or someone was ill.

[EskSmith]

Op, I would try giving your 12 year old some attention before she settles down. Just 10-15 mins in her room. After that a clear expectation that you don't hear from her again. I go in to my dd1 and read her 10 mins of whatever book she is reading. Mostly she will listen and start to drop off but if there is anything bothering her this is when I will hear about it.

Bedtime here means no more gadgets once they are in their rooms screens are off, I would suggest looking at whether time on an ipad as part of a bedtime routine is a good idea, does your daughter do this too? It may explain why she is unsettled and excitable when she is meant to be setting down.

[BusterGonad]

I brush my 8 year olds teeth, give the op a break, the last thing I want is for him to have cavities at his age. Say what you will but if he did it it'll be a terrible job. I also help him get dressed and undressed, his coordination is terrible. The kid needs a hand and as his mum I offer that help.

[tireddotcom72]

Getting adult time when you have a teenager is quite easy - they never come out of their rooms 😂
I have a 13 year old and stopped set bedtimes around a year ago she settles herself down about 10 on school nights and somewhere between 11 and midnight weekends and holidays x she will ask me to go in for kiss and cuddle when she settles but if I'm going to bed first ( usually on a Friday!) I go in give her a kiss and say night.

[GeorgeTheHamster]

If she's doing this every night then I think you are encouraging a bad habit and she should be shown how to get what she says she wants for herself, water, plaster, whatever. Then if it's less it will be much less annoying and reserved for more important things.

Is she actually ready to settle to sleep, could she be allowed to read upstairs for a while, that may put an end to it?

[wineusuallyhelps]

We are struggling with this at the moment with similar aged children.

This is a genuine non-goading question to those of you who are ok with going up and down the stairs after bedtime, because your children want something: How do you cope, happily, with severely limited or no time to yourselves on an evening?

I ask because I feel that after we have spent all day from 6am with the family - which we enjoy and we want to do - we deserve a small amount of 'adult' time from 8.30pm or so.

Looking after a large family and house - and working as well - is tiring. I give to others all day and do it willingly. But I need a little headspace on an evening to be a grown-up and have a bit of peace. I am struggling to see how this is selfish. Just because I decided to have children does not mean I should relinquish my needs entirely, does it?! I am still a person too.

Therefore I am having trouble accepting it is OK for children not to stay upstairs after bedtime, so please do enlighten me because I may have it all wrong!

[SansComic]

But thanks for the attempt at condescension

You're welcome, but surely it was condescending?

But who are you to decide that another human being isn't allowed to seek contact with their parents?

I think you misunderstood. I was talking about my approach and of course I think mine is correct. Don't we all? I wasn't "deciding", I was opining.

If my children feel sick or are worried about something then of course they're greeted differently. If they are trying it on and want 'contact' then they're escorted / sent back to bed. Because we're fairly strict with this, if they do come down there's usually something more behind it. It happens rarely though and we have our quiet time and chats before bed. Plenty of affection there. DH, me and boys all together for baths and stories and then a little one-on-one before swapping around so both parents have time with both children.

I wouldn't expect an adult to interrupt me to get a glass of water. I'd also suggest they take one to bed (or make sure there is one as I do with the children).

"Denied" is the very sentence I used last week when DH wanted 'affection' and I wasn't interested.

I work with children and can tell you fairly quickly which children get enough quality sleep and which don't. They don't need contact at that time of night, they need sleep to grow and to function the following day.


RedBugMug

There's a 9 year old at 8:30 and a 12 year old at 9:30-10:00.

[ProfYaffle]

My dc are the same age as yours (no, I don't undress the 9yo or do her teeth, she'd be mortified if I tried!) They go to bed at 9pm. By and large they stay there, occasionally they get up to go to the loo but not that often.

I think a pp is right, this stage is on the cusp of losing adult time in the evenings and it's tricky to know how to handle it. Luckily both my dc enjoy a bit of time to themselves in their rooms with a book so are happy to stay in bed even if they're not asleep (for now!)

[Afreshstartplease]

Wow at undressing a 9 year old! My just turned 9 year old has developed the need for privacy when dressing

And my three year old dresses herself

I do have a quick brush of 9 year olds teeth after he has done them to make sure everywhere has been brushed

Our bedtime is earlier than yours although eldest is 9 here. Once they are in bed I do expect them to stay in bed however they're kids so often this doesn't happen. 3 year old likes to come back to get x y or z but it's not a big issue