To be a bit annoyed

[calimommy]

I invited my friend and her husband over for dinner this Friday. I texted her and specifically said "no kids! I'll throw mine into bed early and you get a sitter, we can have adult chats and drink adult wine and eat adult food👍". She responded v excited but later texted again to say she didn't have a sitter so was it ok to bring the kids? I felt I couldn't refuse, nor could I suggest to reschedule as this is the only time for a while that suits. But now I'm dreading it. Our children are all quite young, under 4, so this will not be the relaxing night with adults I had hoped for. AIBU to be annoyed she didn't just say she couldn't come? Or should I be grateful to spend time with friends regardless? I should add I'm pregnant (early days) so feeling more tired than usual.

Personally I would never invite people over and ask them not to bring the kids. That would always be their decision. Never mine. I also think you're having no adult drinks personally, so fibbed a little there and she knows it. Sounds like just don't want kids there.

Absolutely, I don't want the kids here, I don't want mine either! 😜 we can't talk properly with them around, it's a constant distraction.

This was the first time I've suggested it. We normally have kids around and it's always mental.

Kids are a pain in the arse at stuff like this, she shouldn't have asked.

Personally I would never invite people over and ask them not to bring the kids.

Why not? It's not that I don't like kids, it's just that some events I conceive of as being more fun without them there. My invitees don't have to say yes.

'"no kids! I'll throw mine into bed early and you get a sitter, we can have adult chats and drink adult wine and eat adult food👍". '

What if yours don't stay in bed? You know she only uses her mother as a sitter, and that her kids go to bed late. You're pregnant and can't drink, anyhow. Then you tell her not to bring her kids? YABU.

I can still have a good time and not drink. And besides my husband, her husband and she will all be knocking back the Vino so I shouldn't be getting in their way too much ha!

Hope no one is driving then .

expatinscotland: I'm sure they have the number of a good taxi firm

Why so negative about their evening?

People's evenings are nothing to me, Trifle. OP asked 'AIBU?' Yeah, I think so. She knows the friend only uses her mother as a babysitter and her kids go to bed late. Her friend told her the mother isn't available, asks if she can bring the kids, OP didn't say, 'Oh, let's reschedule' and now she's miffed. I think that's unreasonable.

Aside from my parents/family/DH's mum I wouldn't let anyone babysit either, so if they couldn't do it (only my parents liflve nearby) I'd be stuck.

I think YABU only because seeing it from your friend's point of view implies her children are a pain while yours are ok, so she has to arrange a babysitter to keep you happy?

Tbh if I want to have adult time with friends I arrange a night out to a restaurant or pub, then everyone has to arrange babysitters and it feels more equal and sociable!

expatinscotland: But is it that unreasonable to suggest a change to her friend's usual routine in the interests of a one-off, enjoyable night? Regardless of whether she was BU to ask her without the kids (and I don't think she was - an evening involving kids is totally different to one without) the tone of the text was so 'adult' that I think the mate should have been the one to offer to reschedule or say she couldn't make it.

implies her children are a pain while yours are ok, so she has to arrange a babysitter to keep you happy?

Rubbish. If the OP looked after an elderly relative would you expect the guests to bring their grannies too? The OP's kids live at the house so it makes sense they will have to there, but asleep, upstairs.

Just out of interest...why are you so invested in this Trifle?

Children don't always stay asleep upstairs, and there's no way I would waste a precious child free night doing what I could do at home any night. I also wouldn't appreciate being told I had to find a babysitter, that would be my own decision.

YANBU. The parameters were set when you organized the evening. It's not as if you waited until the last minute to say "Oh btw, no kids allowed tee hee hee!" You were up front about it. I'd be annoyed too, if I said no kids and somehow that conveniently got ignored like what's happened to you.

YANBU to be miffed OP. Like you I like the chance to catch up with my friends without DC and we do this regularly, we take turns hosting so we don't all have to shell out for babysitters every time. However we all have DC who are in bed by 8 and who generally can be relied on to stay there all evening. (Rest of the night is a different matter in case that sounds too smug).

But from what you know of your friend... kids up till gone 10, only granny allowed to babysit... it's clear she's not someone who really values child free evenings, and/or that it would be quite hard for her to arrange childcare. So YABU to be surprised that this is the outcome. Try a different friend next time and accept that this friend is a playdates only friend.

theaveragewife: Invested? What do you mean that's aside from 'interested'? What agenda might I have other than being a bit bored like everyone else?

I also wouldn't appreciate being told I had to find a babysitter, that would be my own decision.

And it isn't the OP's decision whether or not to invite children to her house? No-one is being told they 'have' to find a sitter, just that the invitation was for the adults. A bit entitled to say it's nothing to do with the hosts whether or not you take your children to their home

Could you get a sitter to entertain the kids in another room?

No-one is being told they 'have' to find a sitter

From the OP "no kids! I'll throw mine into bed early and you get a sitter

theaveragewife: No, the offer made by the OP was to come over without the kids, meaning she has to get a sitter IF she wants to come for dinner. She can say yes or no to that offer.

In fairness to OP, she invited them to an adult only night. So she's not demanding they get a sitter, but if friends didn't want an adult only night, they could have declined the invitation.

OP, be careful. If they're all getting pissed, you'll end up being the designated childminder for the night!

Personally, I'd cancel if it's not what you wanted!

Yes I don't understand it but they have always kept them up that late, each to their own I guess.....

my children totally ignore my house rules about sleeping all night and not getting up before 430am...

Do you really not understand it? It seems super obvious to me. My 4yo goes to bed at 9-10pm and wakes up no earlier than 8.30-9.00am. That's his natural sleep cycle and it suits me infinitely more than him going to bed early and waking up at torture o'clock in the morning. It's a double win as it means we can be out and about all evening with no particular need to rush home and I can sleep until a normal time in the morning.

As to your aibu, you aren't being unreasonable to want a night of just adult company but you are being unreasonable to be so put out that that kind of night doesn't suit your friend. Your friend and her husband aren't even likely to kick back and enjoy a boozey dinner when there are good odds that they'll be going home to put a pair of toddlers to bed. It doesn't sound like the kind of evening that would be especially enjoyable for them and they'd just be expecting her mother to put herself out for something that neither of them would enjoy. Tbh you sound quite judgey about her parenting with your comments on her kids' bedtimes and only having her mother to babysit. That's preventing you from empathising with her position because instead of thinking, what I want won't really work for her, you seem to be thinking she should just adjust her wrong ways to suit you.

You also went about your plans very, very badly. If the text you posted here was verbatim, then it appears you had spent time working out when you were all free for dinner and made the invite first. Then after the invite was accepted you moved the goalposts by text and asked your friend to make arrangements that depend on someone else doing her a favour for something that she has no real interest in. You put her in a difficult position, tbh. If you wanted to arrange a childfree night that needed to be the opening suggestion in a face to face conversation. "Hey friend, I'd absolutely love an adult night of dinner and chat, do you think you and your DH would be interested in something like that?" Then she could either say, "Tbh, it's just not something we have much interest in at the moment." Or, "That could be good, lets try and arrange something." And you coudl start making plans from there.