Dogs, sofa, husband, new baby .... AIBU

[Backt0Black]

DH is a lovely, just far, far too soft with his dogs IMO and its driving me mad.

Currently 8.5 month pregnant. Have said I do not want to the dogs (1 XXL and 1 L) on the (fabric) sofa or on our bed, because I will need places to be with the baby that I can feel are clean and hygienic for feeding and changing. I did also state this while we were in the shop looking at the sofa.

What I HAVE done is designate 2 large leather armchairs and buy huge beds to go at the foot of our bed so the dogs are comfortable and don't feel somehow punished. We live on a farm and the dogs run around in all sorts. Even when you wipe them down at the door their leather armchairs end up filthy and I clean with disinfectant wipes..... I cant do this is a fabric sofa!

Every morning I get up and DH has had dogs on the sofa. With the argument 'he's put a throw on' its my feeling this is training issue and the throw is irrelevant, I am fed up of having to nag at them to get the OFF sofa...while he keeps telling them they can get up I feel like I have to be on 'guard duty' and cannot leave the living room or house.

Happened AGAIN this morning, I must have asked 30 times, I was so fed up I did end up shouting, but I've asked, I've explained, I've reasoned, I've tried to compromise with the plush beds and armchairs. What else can I do!?!

Has anyone successfully trained DH in a similar matter? AIBU to ask for him to please just keep the dogs off the sofa so its clean for DS use?

[diddl]

Sorry, the dogs have a leather armchair each & that's not enough???

Our dog rarely goes on sofas & beds even though we would all love him to come up for a cuddle.

Do the dogs just jump up onto the sofa/bed when they want to or only when encouraged by your husband?

[7SunshineSeven7]

AudreyBradshaw My Chis seem to only want to get on the sofa when the fire isn't on so they can get right up close to you and steal your body heat. Are yours the same? I think they're just users

[EveOnline2016]

How old are the dogs and how long have you had them.

[AllDayIThinkAboutFood]

YANBU. I'm a dog lover, have 3 plus 1 foster, and no way are any of them allowed on sofas or beds. They are only invited in to the living room occasionally and never allowed upstairs. I have DC2 due in July so both DH and I will be even stricter with boundaries and training.

[StarryIllusion]

I don't think you are asking a lot. The throw does NOT negate the issue, he is confusing them. They don't know that the throw makes the difference ffs. They are either allowed or they are not. My dogs are allowed up by invitation only. They won't get on unless I pat it and call them. This works for me. But I see your point with them always being dirty due to the farm. Mine are always very clean so not an issue and normal dirt is good for the kids immune systems. You do need to stop shouting at them though. Dogs won't take anything on board that is screamed at them, you just freak them out and you do NOT want a stressed out dog and newborn. They have done nothing wrong, remember? Your DH invited them up. It is like offering a child a sweet and then screaming at them for eating it. Shout at HIM by all means.

The only thing YABU about imo is changing a baby on the sofa. Hate when people do that. Then they invite me to sit down. Um, no thank you, that is minging. You've just had a shit filled nappy and dirty baby wipes on there, don't think I will. I always use a mat for my two.

[MrsG280516]

We have a small/medium dog (beagle) who we allow on the sofa but now that I am 12 weeks pregnant we have bought him his own bed on the floor and we are training him to lie in that instead of on the sofa with us.

It is hard when they have been allowed up on the sofa for so long as they will wonder why they're suddenly not allowed, but they can be trained, it just takes both owners to be consistent with it. I would simply tell your DH that you will not tolerate them being on the sofa when DS is born and if he does not want to help you with training them not to do so then they will need to be banished from the room when DS is born.

We do not want to have to do this with our dog, hence starting early with the training so that by the time our baby is born he will be off the sofas completely. Even to me, and I love my dog, the bed is a complete no-no. Make them sleep downstairs, its actually quite dangerous to have them in the same room overnight with your DS in case anything were to happen whilst you were asleep.

[Backt0Black]

...cross posted with a few. Quick replies.

'Do I not like dogs' I am a dog person. They are his dogs as they roam the farm and tend my horses with him and are besotted with him. Its nice we have dogs, I just want a few 'safe' areas for my DS.

He doesnt so much encourage them to get on that I know of, they whine at him to be up, so he's then gone to get a throw, arranged it and ....yes..... he must invited them up sigh

[Purplebluebird]

Yanbu, this would do my head in too. I love dogs, and used to happily have one on me/sofa/bed, but not when there is a baby around. It was the same when we had our little one and we had 3 cats. Trained them to stay out of the bedroom, however didn't stop them going to sleep in the pram for example -. (never when baby was in it!). Obviously they got a telling off, but cats can be hard to train :P

[memyselfandaye]

Are the dogs and the baby going to be in your bedroom through the night?

[tootsietoo]

caught red handed

[Italiangreyhound]

YANBU.

Make him clean the sofa every time and say you will get rid of the dogs is he can't shape up! (You don't need to do it, just threaten!)

[mistlethrush]

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all... although I have to disagree with Starryillusion - a dog can learn that a throw (together with an invitation) means that they are allowed on the sofa - our dog we had when DS was little did just this. And I think, for her, it was a good thing to sometimes be able to come and snuggle up without direct contact with DS, but still feeling part of the new group - she certainly respected him as an important part of the family, became much more protective when out with the buggy, and was terribly careful of him in the house too.

[Funnyface1]

Do whatever it takes to get through to him. Make him so uncomfortable at your behaviour that it's not worth having the dogs on the sofa or bed. Newborns are so vulnerable and had no real immunity to the simple things we can fight off. Eye/ear and throat infections are so easy for babies to develop and are very serious in those so young. I know you know all this but just try to impress upon him how poorly it could make your baby and how deeply he would regret it. Also that it's a totally reasonable request even if you weren't having a baby!

[Lemon12345]

Pack theory has been debunked, so the whole dogs need to know their place in the pack/baby is ranked above them is nonsense.
That said they do need to know to respect the babies personal space and boundaries. This is achieved through careful training.

I agree with PP, it's not fair on the dogs to keep yelling at them. Do they get down when just told to, rather than getting cross? Save yelling for the husband.

I'm wondering if the issue is that DH and the dogs want to be cuddled up together. I can't blame him for that, and the dogs too. I'm just wondering if it might be worth seeing if you can pick up a leather love seat or something (preloved, freecycle etc) so he can sit somewhere with the dogs if he wants, rather than the dogs coming to sit on the fabric sofa with him? Would that work?

But YANBU at all. I wouldn't want to come visit your house and sit on a sofa that is covered in farm yard filth. Definetly wouldn't want a baby on there. And whilst some dogs do learn that a throw means they can come up, many dogs don't and even then a throw won't protect the whole sofa and you don't want them thinking they can get up on the baby blankets on the sofa.

I'd start having all the baby stuff set up and carrying around a doll or something, teaching the dogs to ignore the baby and stay away from the baby stuff. Maybe if DH gets on board with the training the dogs with the other stuff he will realise the sofa is also one of these places.

[0hCrepe]

Many people do have their dogs on the sofas and beds and love being able to cuddle them. The dogs love it too. They come with hair and muck and people shouldn't have dogs if they can't tolerate that. I feel sad that we couldn't have ours on with us near the end because she was incontinent.

However you've done loads to try and get a hygienic area for the baby and your dh could cuddle the dogs on their designated chairs and beds but doesn't. I'm sure once the baby is actually here though it'll all be more real. Failing that, get a new white armchair for yourself that is for holding the baby on which you put something on when you're not in it to keep them off so they never ever get on it. And kick your dh out of bed to sleep on the sofa with the dogs if he's so desperate to!

[Carolann8584]

When I was single the cats and dog were allowed anywhere in the house even my bed.

Once I started seeing my OH (of 4 years now) he asked if the pets could stay out of the bedroom, they adjusted quickly, a dog bed on the landing and in the living room, they all share.

My OH has his boys at the weekend so then their small room became a no go for the pets again they adjusted.

Now we are expecting our first baby next month, the boys have moved to the big boy room no pets allowed, again adjusted quickly

Now there are no pets in any of the 3 bedrooms and they are only allowed in the living room during the day if we are home to keep fur and anything else in certain areas of the house.

Pets adjust very well as long as it is enforced by everyone. Your DH needs to understand priorities change and animals adjust better than people so the issue of the pets on furniture might say more about his issues than the dogs

[SlankyBodger]

Carry a muslin square with you and put it down and then put baby on it, do whatever, pick baby up, chuck muslin square over your shoulder, done.

[BellaGoth]

OP what you need is a very large crate and a clicker.

Put OH in the crate.

You are then free to use the clicker to train the dogs. They'll learn very quickly with consistent positive reinforcement.

Don't forget to let OH out for a wee from time to time.

[YouWillNotSeeMe]

I'd worry about them being in the bedroom initially with your baby next to you in a Moses basket/whatever.
You need to enforce the rules before baby arrives.
Ask DH what you are supposed to do when normally in a non animal room you would leave baby in the floor/Moses basket while you went to toilet etc, the same in the bedroom. Ask what he expects you to do? See if he can think of it that way. Or if he would go and stand his baby in the horse manure/paddock bare foot?

[Backt0Black]

...few more replies.

The dogs are 4 y/o and 18 months.

The shouting isnt a prolonged Gestapo style thing....its more like 'sleepy, heavily pregnant woman walks into room, sees dogs on sofa AGAIN, and wails GETTTTTTTTTTTTTT OFFFF' They do get off, but I just think they could be trained to not 'get on' of we both took the same approach to training their not being allowed on the sofa.

DH did agree when viewing the sofa that digs wouldn't get on

Yelled at DH this morning as many PP have suggested. Was met with indignant 'don't shout at me' (really at a loss here, talking / explaining/ asking isn't working)

Loathe to buy another sofa, I'm going on matleave soon and my company only pay stat..... they have the two leather armchairs, a bed in front of the woodburner and an enviable existence. Gahhh, .

DS has a changing mat and unit so not a plan to use sofa / bed as a changing station.... I'm more thinking about feeding to be honest.... well, if we get caught short (first DC) I may have to change on sofa with mat / towels in a panic

[JigglyTuff]

user892

Let me google that for you:

www.apbc.org.uk/articles/why-wont-dominance-die
positively.com/dog-training/myths-truths/pack-theory-debunked/
content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,2007250,00.html
apdt.com/pet-owners/choosing-a-trainer/dominance/

[Backt0Black]

bellagoth This may have alleviated my foul mood

[BlueKarou]

All this 'bottom of the pack' stuff is complete rubbish, and the poster who suggested putting the dogs in an outhouse, well that's just cruel - they're clearly sociable dogs who want to be with their human(s). But that's besides the point.

If you don't want the dogs on the sofa and your husband does then you're in a bit of an impasse. I would imagine the more you shout and tell him you don't want it, the more he's going to be stubborn (but I say this without knowing you, so could be completely wrong!)

I have two dogs and three cats, and from the moment I discovered I was pregnant all animals were banned from the bedroom. I didn't want cats in the cot or dogs on the bed as I knew the baby would end up sleeping in either of those two places. Could you do that - a bedroom ban for the dogs?

I suspect the sofa fight is one you probably won't win - even with the beds and the dog-armchairs they'll likely still go where they want overnight/when you're not around. Especially as you've only got a couple of weeks until baby is due. How much do you want to invest in this argument? Whilst baby is very young, how about having a couple of blankets and a changing mat and using the kitchen/dining table? Obviously don't do that once baby's actively crawling, and never leave baby unattended, but those are the same rules as a changing table.

That said - can you start training the dogs yourself as and when you find them on the sofa - instead of shouting at your husband, bypass him and go straight to the dogs, if they know 'off' or 'down' or whatever your command is for getting off of something, give the command and then reward them for being off the sofa. Then tell them to 'go to bed' and reward them for being in an appropriate place - armchair or dog bed. Again, you don't have a lot of time until the baby comes, but you can continue doing this when you have the chance after baby arrives.

No advice on how to adjust your husband's attitude though, have you asked him why he doesn't respect your requests?

[MackerelOfFact]

Your DH is being unreasonable. Dogs do not care if they go on the sofa or not. Honestly. As long as there's consistency in what they're being told (eg. not to go on any sofa at any time), and they have their own bed which is safe and comfortable, they will be totally fine.

If they're being told conflicting things (ie. they can go on the leather armchairs but not on the fabric sofa) they will get confused because dogs don't really have much concept of styles of upholstery. Just ban them from the furniture, within a couple of weeks they will be fine. It's not unfair for the dogs, they just want affection and attention from humans, which they can still have on the floor.

[BlueKarou]

(sorry, spent ages typing that and missed your latest responses.)