AIBU to be upset at DU's behaviour after death of DB

[Unmummy123]

Hi- sorry I'm new here (longtime lurker) so please don't grill me!!!
A bit of background:
We live in a very close-knit family. I'm 22 and I live with my uncle, mum, sister and boyfriend. DF died of cancer last year and recently my DB died tragically in a car crash.

These deaths have been so so hard on my whole family, but DU (darling uncle) has always been a bit controlling but ever since DB's death he has become especially controlling. My DB and DU had a very very turbulent and unpleasant relationship and DU is forbidding us to hold a funeral for him. He has taken ownership of DB's remains(I don't know if that's the correct terminology but anyway he has them) and just told is he is planning to dispose of them (I think he's planning on cremating them and scattering them) in secret.
I can't bear not to be present at my DB's funeral- but unfortunately he didn't specify how he wanted to be buried in his will and I don't know how to stop this.
I'm also quite superstitious and I'm worrying DB won't be at peace until he's buried. DM and DSis don't want to contradict DU, but DBoyfriend agrees with me and says we should do something. The only problem is we don't know how to stop DU until it's too late. AIBU to be hysterically angry at DU- any advice appreciated . I spent all yesterday crying and having panic attacks I'm so so worried about this.

[RubbishMantra]

I'm so sorry for both your losses Unmummy.

In the UK, there are 2 types of PoA - Enduring PoA and Lasting PoA.

Enduring PoAs can no longer be drawn up in the UK, because once registered, they can be abused with the attorney taking advantage of their power - making decisions against the donor's wishes, using the donor's money for themselves as examples.

Lasting PoAs are different - the attorney must consult with the donor, even once registered. In the UK PoAs are registered with The Court of Protection. Is there similar in your country?

I'm not legally trained or anything, but I do have personal experience with PoAs being exploited.

Ask your uncle to provide a copy of the PoA.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through such a sad time, made even worse by a controlling wanker, and I absolutely agree with other posters who have urged you to seek advice on the Legal Board

[Bragadocia]

I think you should make a start by contacting the UK embassy in Athens. If your brother was British, and you are, they will be able to advise you. The embassy are also the ones to sort Legal Aid for you, if applicable.

Embassy
Legal Aid abroad

[titchy]

Just phone the funeral parlour and tell them you are legal next of kin and will be making funeral arrangements. That's it. Job done.

I'm really not sure what power of attorney has got to do with anything....

[Jessbow]

Rubbish mantra's POA statement is Rubbish.Tthere are various forms of POA, some current, some not.

I would be surprised if your uncle has such a thing- they have to be drawn up before someone loses capacity.

Has your mother instructed her brother to act for her or is she not able to do that?

[IamSwitzerland]

I also think you should call and go to the funeral director directly today, right now and have a chat, they will have seen this sort of thing before and will be best placed to help. If you are religious and a member of a church then ask the priest or whoever to come along with you. If not then the humanist society equivalent.

Act fast op and do not concern yourself with treading on eggshells around others too much.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh OP what a terrible distressing time for you. I am so sorry for your losses

I have no advice to offer I'm afraid but I would certainly think that contacting the funeral home to ask them not to release your brother's remains because there is a dispute over thm would be a start. I know that'll be a hard call to make but I think you need to do it sooner rather than later

Was your brother British OP? I'm sorry if I've missed that

[BitOutOfPractice]

If you do have faith OP I think that's a great idea to approach your priest or whoever your leader is for advice / support

[user892]

Presumably your uncle is paying for everything and feels he can do what he like? But to run roughshod over your wishes and lord it over you is abusive in the extreme... I'm so sorry for your loss. This must be incredibly hard to deal with.

Your boyfriend sounds great though and hopefully you can resolve this and then begin thinking about how you can somehow get this controlling cuckoo man out of all of your lives

[heateallthebuns]

If your brothers remains are still at the funeral parlour definitely contact them and say there is a dispute.

Not sure if p of a extends to this situation? If your dm is next of kin but incapacitated maybe you're next in line for next of kin, rather than whoever your dm has as p of a??? Does anyone legal know the answer?

It's a common enough thing in families for two funerals where people have fallen out I think!!!

Who do you think is the legal owner of the house? Was it your dm and df?

[user1484603141]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think you need to look at getting control over your mum, health and finance. I have vision of your controlling uncle do it. We had to do it for my mil and her dementia and as your mum it too ill at the moment, it might be the right time.

[Unmummy123]

Thank you, you've all been really helpful. I've gone to the funeral parlour and I'm going to bury him myself. My sister doesn't want any part in it (nervous about effect on uncle) nor does my mother. As soon as he has a funeral the better imo because it will stop uncle getting his way. He'll be angry with me but oh well- Ive made plans to leave and to move with my boyfriend

[heateallthebuns]

Ah that's great that the funeral parlour were able to help you. Good luck with moving out and organising the funeral.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Good luck with honouring your brother.

[VodkaLimeSoda27]

Best of luck to you OP, and sorry about your brother

[IamSwitzerland]

Well done op, maybe keep momentos from the funeral if you can too like some extra funeral programs - you can give them to your mother and sister in future if they come around. Same goes for your brother's belongings.

Funeral and bereavement can bring out the worst in people. You can't change anyone else's behaviour or point of view but you can do your best to do what you feel is right and hope others will follow. You are a good sister and brave, I hope you are supported by others in bidding your brother a dignified farewell and that with time your family can find peace.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I'm very pleased that the funeral parlour were able to help you and that you're now able to treat your brother's remains properly, in a way that you feel befits him. I'm sorry you're not getting any support from your mother or sister though, how odd of them :(

Good luck with moving out, better get that in motion as soon as you can in case the weirdly controlling uncle has a shit fit and kicks you out.

Sorry you're having to deal with all of this

[abbsisspartacus]

Sounds like your uncle has mental issues btw

[RubbishMantra]

"Rubbish mantra's POA statement is Rubbish."

Sadly it's not. Enduring PoAs cannot be made in the UK any longer, because they've been open to abuse. Hence being replaced with LPAs. Op had concerns that her uncle may have PoA over her mother.

I'm glad you've managed to find a resolution OP, in what must be an awful time.