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AIBU?

AIBU to be upset at DU's behaviour after death of DB

68 replies

Unmummy123 · 31/01/2017 12:26

Hi- sorry I'm new here (longtime lurker) so please don't grill me!!!
A bit of background:
We live in a very close-knit family. I'm 22 and I live with my uncle, mum, sister and boyfriend. DF died of cancer last year and recently my DB died tragically in a car crash.

These deaths have been so so hard on my whole family, but DU (darling uncle) has always been a bit controlling but ever since DB's death he has become especially controlling. My DB and DU had a very very turbulent and unpleasant relationship and DU is forbidding us to hold a funeral for him. He has taken ownership of DB's remains(I don't know if that's the correct terminology but anyway he has them) and just told is he is planning to dispose of them (I think he's planning on cremating them and scattering them) in secret.
I can't bear not to be present at my DB's funeral- but unfortunately he didn't specify how he wanted to be buried in his will and I don't know how to stop this.
I'm also quite superstitious and I'm worrying DB won't be at peace until he's buried. DM and DSis don't want to contradict DU, but DBoyfriend agrees with me and says we should do something. The only problem is we don't know how to stop DU until it's too late. AIBU to be hysterically angry at DU- any advice appreciated . I spent all yesterday crying and having panic attacks I'm so so worried about this.

OP posts:

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treaclesoda · 31/01/2017 12:45

Well, actually your mum is obviously next of kin, but if she is too unwell to deal with things then surely you're a closer relative than your uncle?

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 31/01/2017 12:46

Are you in the UK?

enfru · 31/01/2017 12:46

Does your uncle have power of attorney for your mother? If she's not mentally capable of handling affairs herself then someone should be legally doing so on her behalf. If your uncle doesn't have poa then I believe, but may be wrong, that as your mothers next of kin it is down to you and your sister not your uncle.
You need to intervene in some way, speak to wherever is looking after your brother and tell them the situation and that under no circumstances does this man have permission to do anything.
You also need to determine whose house it is that you live in, if it's your mothers then tell uncle to move out- if its uncles then I'd suggest you all look for somewhere else as he will no doubt threaten to kick you out at the drop of a hat.
I'm sorry for your losses and the subsequent stress, stand up to this bully and don't let him do this

Unmummy123 · 31/01/2017 12:54

No- we are in Europe.

OP posts:

Unmummy123 · 31/01/2017 12:56

In response to the poster asking about power of attorney- I'm not entirely sure because my uncle is very private about legal affairs, but yes, I do believe he has power of attorney over my mother because she went through a very troubled time and was not able to manage her affairs. Of course, I think he is now using this to control her somewhat.

OP posts:

treaclesoda · 31/01/2017 12:57

you need to take proper legal advice.

treaclesoda · 31/01/2017 12:58

Sorry, that sounded very harsh, I didn't mean to.

But you really need proper advice from someone who knows the legal situation.

Unmummy123 · 31/01/2017 12:58

Unfortunately I'm not sure how to get legal aid and I don't know what to do! I'm only 22 and I don't exactly have much money. I'm not sure the country I'm in has a pro bono system or legal aid.

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HelenaGWells · 31/01/2017 12:58

As others have said unless he has legal power of attorney over your mums affairs he cannot do this. You need to contact the funeral home/hospital and make sure they know he is trying to take over where he has no right.

If he does have poa you need to go to cab and find out your rights asap.

Also yes to figuring out who owns the house. If it is your uncle then you need to get out asap and take your mum with you or find somewhere else suitable for her.

user892 · 31/01/2017 12:59

Where is your brother's body? Which country are you in? Maybe someone will be able to advise you who you need to talk to?

HelenaGWells · 31/01/2017 13:01

Ok you need more specific help here. Go to the legal boards and put a shout out over there. Make sure you specify the country. Maybe also try country specific boards? Hopefully a French mner or lawyer can help.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/01/2017 13:09

Where are you? There are some very knowledgeable mumsnetters on here, who could help.

titchy · 31/01/2017 13:10

You haven't said where his body is....
You haven't said who registered the death...

Neither of those things cost money or need solicitors to find out and then phone.

Not sure what the relevance of PoA is either tbh.

LIZS · 31/01/2017 13:12

Most countries have an equivalent of cab, try your town hall for advice as to where to seek urgent legal advice.

heateallthebuns · 31/01/2017 13:13

What country are you in?

Topseyt · 31/01/2017 13:20

I get that you are in Europe, not the UK, but where are your brother's remains currently being kept?

Surely your uncle cannot just keep the body? Does it not have to be kept under the correct conditions in either a funeral parlour or mortuary until ready for the funeral? Surely he cannot simply do as he pleases with it?

Find out what the laws are in your country of residence regarding how the body should be kept and treated. If your uncle is not complying with that law then report him to the relevant authorities or police and keep at it until he does.

Sorry you are going through such a difficult time, and for your losses, and that your uncle is being obstructive.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/01/2017 13:21

This sounds like a cultural thing as well, maybe, where the Man always has to be in charge?

I don't at all blame you for being drastically upset, but depending on where you are, and the culture you're part of, it could be harder for you to change the situation than some people might think.

If he has power of attorney or equivalent, then he probably can get away with doing what he wants - but he can't STOP you from holding a funeral service, even if your brother's remains aren't actually there - memorial services are often held after the actual funeral and burial/cremation, so you could do that. I'm disturbed that he has no formal plans for correct burial/cremation though - there must be some legal issues over that?

Unmummy123 · 31/01/2017 13:42

I'm in Greece, and I think they're currently at the funeral parlour

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/01/2017 13:44

Do you know which funeral parlour? Are you able to go there and talk to them directly?

Megatherium · 31/01/2017 13:46

You need to get to a local lawyer quickly.

Aki23 · 31/01/2017 13:51

If there is a will the executors are the only ones who can legally make a decision about the remains

Aki23 · 31/01/2017 13:52

Just seen you are in Greece - not sure what the rules are there

harleysmammy · 31/01/2017 13:56

Its a little bit different but my partners brother died suddenly of a heart attack at 26..he was well off, went to the gym every day and took real care of himself so it was a MAJOR shock and because he was only 26, he had no will and hadnt even thought about what would happen or how he wanted to be buried. Fair to say the whole family argued over what to do, uncles and aunties thinking they knew him much better than we did and saying he would have wanted to be buried but we all thought he would want to be cremated. All the arguments just made the grief so much worse and my partner and his parents never really grieved. My partner knew his brother better than anyone but of course his mam was next of kin so had the last say, it wasnt what my partner knew his brother would have wanted and he was devastated, so we held a remembrance for all his friends and us. The aunties and uncles were not invited because they'd caused such a fuss. It really helped put my partners mind at rest that he'd done what his brother wanted even though his family hadnt. Maybe you could do something like that to put your mind at rest, also the arguments are the reason (i say) that my partner is still as devastated about his brother 2 years on as he was the second he found out. I honestly think if the family hadnt caused so many arguments and they were allowed to grieve in peace, he would maybe be a little bit better (obviously i know he will never get over it but im saying that time certainly hasnt healed). Dont let your uncle stop you grieving for your brother in peace, he was your brother and from what i can see, isnt really anything to do with your uncle whether he owns the house your brother lived in or not x

LaBrujaPiruja · 31/01/2017 14:00

OP, I would contact the local council and ask for help there.

I think you are eligible for Legal Aid in Greece as a national of a EU member state. The local council / court / bar association will tell you how you can apply for it.

First of all, try to establish what type of PoA your uncle holds. Most PoA are limited to certain legal transactions or are restricted in time.

Good luck.

LaBrujaPiruja · 31/01/2017 14:03

Assuming your brother has not left a will and there are no children, his heirs (in Greece) would be his parents and brothers and sisters. There is no provision for uncles at all, just direct descendants, siblings or ascendants (up to grandparents).

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