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AIBU?

AIBU to not agree?

74 replies

Frogonalog16 · 25/01/2017 06:15

So me and the OH have been together for 2.5y. He didn't have facebook when we got together but got it not long after. He's now decided he doesn't want it anymore and has deleted that and his instagram. So he txt me from work last night saying he thinks I should delete my facebook so we can start a "fresh chapter in our own little bubble"

AIBU to not want to live in a fucking bubble?! I'm a stay at home parent with a 16m old and he works shifts so I spend quite a lot of time by myself, so apart from the school run with my eldest fb is sometimes the only adult interaction I get. I told him I would get rid only if I decided I wanted to and received this reply

Ok so Facebook obvs more important than me,you do what you want in life and what makes you happy and I will do same then,see what happens. X

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
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ChuckSnowballs · 25/01/2017 11:16

OP - I went to 7 schools in 3 different countries and now have 4 degrees. in different subjects.

Don't let the issue of changing schools make you stay with a controlling arse.

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namechange20050 · 25/01/2017 11:14

That text is awful and he sounds like a petulant child. I'd ask him why he's being so ridiculous.

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BitOutOfPractice · 25/01/2017 11:10

I'll type my second point again so that it actually makes sense this time:

Call me cynical but I would be wondering why he's quite so keen to get you off Facebook. Doesn't want someone to find you on there. Someone who has something to tell you. That would be my bet.

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RB68 · 25/01/2017 10:48

I would have a conversation around what is behind this - does he have concerns, is something not happening that should. I might agree not to use it when I am with him out and about or in the evening or at meal times if that was an issue, but I would point out that it is also useful to find local contractors for small jobs on a recommendation, second hand items to buy and sell with local groups etc and keeping in touch with people you struggle to see because of your and their commitments, I would also say that if I went out to work where I met other people it might be less of an issue as its very isolating being on your own at home with kids. Its not all about him at all and he needs to recognise you are not his to control and this is v controlling behaviour

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BitOutOfPractice · 25/01/2017 10:38

So you got pregnant and tied to him without really knowing him. Now you see his true colours.

Call me cynical but I would be wondering why he's quite so keen to get you off Facebook. Doesn't want someone to find out who has something to tell you would be my bet.

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QueenofallIsee · 25/01/2017 10:22

Good God Op, you are almost certainly in a a relationship that will get progressively worse. Let not forget that you will be tied to him more strongly the older your baby gets - you need to assert yourself, force the issue and the fact that you will not be controlled, if that ends with 'you will do as I say or leave' then for goodness sake do it

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WorraLiberty · 25/01/2017 10:07

You've rushed into a relationship and got pregnant within months, by what sounds like a very controlling man.

You can't change the past, but you can certainly change the future for you and your children.

If he's like this now after just a couple of years, what do you think he'll be like in the future and how do you think he will affect your kids eventually?

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archersfan22 · 25/01/2017 10:05

Anyone else hear shades of Rob Titchener here? I'm sure he made comments about 'being in our own little world' while persuading his wife to leave her job/stop driving/not see her parents on Christmas Day/etc etc.

I'm glad you have seen this as a negative thing. It sounds like you need to have a serious think about what to do next.

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One2another · 25/01/2017 09:58

He's been flirting or prob more likely to have had an affair. He's had threats made by ow to contact you and he wants you to close your FB so you can't be contacted.
Do as others have said, check your other inbox on fb.
Personally I've been with a controlling partner for 20 years, it gradually gets worse not better.
Think hard about what you want to do next.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 25/01/2017 09:48

He is trying to isolate you. Do not go along with it, whatever you do. It's not about Facebook, it's about his need to control; you are NBU to wish to not be controlled!!

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FruSkogKattOla · 25/01/2017 09:48

The demand that you delete Facebook, for whatever reason, sounds a bit like the thin end of the wedge to detach/isolate you from your friends and family. What might he do next?

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DJBaggySmalls · 25/01/2017 09:47

The only reason a man would ask for a fresh start and it just being the two of you is that he fucked up on FB. He doesnt want you to be on FB because he;s paranoid about her contacting you.

He has a thing about being seen as perfect and cant admit when he has made a mistake. Its part of what drives his controlling behaviours.

You can contact Womens Aid and get help to leave.

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Crunchymum · 25/01/2017 09:47

I suspect there is something or someone he doesn't want you to find out about on social media.

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diddl · 25/01/2017 09:44

Also, "fresh chapter in our little bubble"

How creepy is that?

So you've moved away from friends & family(?) at his suggestion?

How's contact with them going?

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mirokarikovo · 25/01/2017 09:43

When DH and I had some couples councelling a few years ago (we had gone through some traumatic experiences and needed some assistance to not fall apart) we did a very useful exercise.

We were each given a sheet of paper with 20-ish silhouette diagrams of a couple in different postures

  • facing each other in aggressive/fighting posture
  • back to back in fighting posture
  • leaning together in an A shape face to face
  • standing straight side by side
  • facing each other looking eye to eye within a closed circle

Etc etc

We each had 10 blue tokens and 10 yellow and each of us distributed the 10 blue tokens among the pictures to indicate how we felt our relationship was balanced at the moment between different ways of being together, and the 10 yellow tokens according to how we felt our ideal relationship would be balanced (if different). It was a very useful exercise because it highlighted to us that not everyone is seeking the same thing out of any relationship. If you love each other, you take into account the other person's needs obviously. Sometimes (but fortunately for us not in our case) the differences are so great that it isn't possible for both of you to be satisfied, and then maybe the relationship can't survive.

I don't think I would be happy in a relationship skewed towards the two people being in their own little bubble cut off from the world. Maybe some people would and it's better for those people to find each other.

For you I think this is a red flag that this isn't the kind of relationship you are after. The sooner you are out the better. Contact your local Women's Aid - it's OK to ask for their advice even though you aren't fleeing physical abuse they can still point you in the right direction. don't be pressured to stay and keep your kids in such an unhealthy atmosphere because of worries about housing, there will be other options.
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diddl · 25/01/2017 09:43

Why would you want your daughter (& you of course) to be living with someone who threatens you over trivia like FB?

I wouldn't mention the text he'll turn it into an argument.

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RaeofSun · 25/01/2017 09:42

Wow indeed a nasty text. Is this his usual tone? Or ultra nasty because you don't want to live in a bubble? He really wants you to feel loved doesn't he Hmm

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Justanothernameonthepage · 25/01/2017 09:34

And as much as you don't want to disrupt your DC life, Think of it as you are teaching her the valuable lesson that relationships require respect on all sides. And that being happy by yourself is more important than being in a bad relationship.

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Butterymuffin · 25/01/2017 09:34

Agree this is a bad sign. Can you ask advice on what happens if he throws you out? Would council then have to house you?

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Justanothernameonthepage · 25/01/2017 09:30

Another one saying buy time as long as you can stay safe and plan. Get a savings account he doesn't know about. Plan on getting your own place - even if it means talking to your Nan to see if she'd let you and the kids move back and if so, check out schools in that area. Keep an emergency bag somewhere not in the house with clothes and toys. Sell what you can of yours to boost your savings. Make another Facebook account with A different name to sell things under. Change any passwords that he has access to.

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stoopido · 25/01/2017 09:29

LTB Grin

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AdoraBell · 25/01/2017 09:29

Frog whatever is behind this I agree that you need to make plans to leave.

I understand your reluctance to move your 8 yr ld again, but that won't be as bad as growing up in this environment. She has no stability with him reinforcing the fact that it's his house by asking when you are moving out.

Then there's the affect that different treatment to his DC can have. You, she and your younger DC deserve so much better.

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Birdsgottafly · 25/01/2017 09:23

Have you checked your 'other' inbox?

It's either something's gone on and it might just be sex texting, or he's taking his control up a notch.

'See what happens' is him taking up any offers, or pursuing someone he's got his eye on.

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gamerchick · 25/01/2017 09:20

And check your other inboxes in case someone has messaged you.

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gamerchick · 25/01/2017 09:16

Actually I wouldn't bring up the text with him. He's waiting for that.

What I would do... today... is gather up all paperwork, certificates, passports etc, a couple changes of clothes and other essentials and stash them at someone else's house for the minute.

You can't live under a threat and you need a plan to fall back on when he ramps things up and you have to leave. Plans are handy.

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