To think sole bread winner should pay housekeeping, plus the age of leaving children alone

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

I was reading on another thread about a DW asking her DH for housekeeping. This is something that has cropped up in conversation a few times, with myself and DH, the answer has just been no.

SAHD are more prevalent now, but as soon as they start working it seems they think the freedom of equality equals, if we want money we should go and earn it. Even if that means working full time and relying on childcare for DC's depending on their age. Which pretty much negates the point of working once paid.

A lot of women get paid less than their DP/DW, also in the cases where the women were the sole breadwinners, I'm sure money was handed over, so DH's wallet wasn't empty.

AIBU to think that should a woman/man not work, or work part time hours in order to look after DC, then the person who earns more should offer a token gesture if possible of 'X' housekeeping, as the main care giver has a huge job in parenting. There's nothing wrong in expecting housekeeping if you're male or female? It's not against feminist principles, because if DH earns 4/5 times as much as you do, it's common sense they'd be willing to give some money as a thank you for looking after your DC.

Long gone are the days from the 70's, 89's and even 90's where DC's can come home from school say aged 10+, staying at home unsupervised. What age in the current climate would you leave DC alone? Bearing in mind if you have 2 or more, it's likely WW3 will have erupted by the time you get home, as that's siblings.

[clementineorange]

I am the working parent and I paid for roomba mop and roomba vacuum to do all of the mopping and vacuuming which is the main chore in our house. I take care of putting away laundry, DH looks after the kids, organizes play dates, and does the dinner and dishwasher.

[FuckOffDailyMailQuitQuotingMN]

I've never heard those terms housekeeping and pin money.

I have control over all the finances and always have. DH works and I am SAHP. We have a housekeeper which is what I thought you meant!

I have never asked DH for money and likewise he doesn't ask me. We do make the occasional joint purchase decision but only if it's a huge purchase.

Your situation does sound abusive, it's not what I see in my peers relationships either. I hope you can get some help to have more autonomy and agency in your home and relationship.

[HorridHenryrule]

Can you get a job Op. I know what its like to be a child and having only one parent working. You can't buy nothing for the children like clothes etc or for yourself. I remember when I got to secondary school the time I finished school was the time my mum got up. My mum didn't want to work all she wanted to do was the bare minimum. I hated my mum for that she just sat there and watched my dad fall apart. He was working to keep a roof over our head, pay the bills and buy food. Its a struggle on one salary as soon as he gets to 3 I am getting a job.

[SocksRock]

We just stick it all in one pot, pay the bills, save some, and then the rest we spend. We have pretty similar attitudes, so we do OK. I would normally ask before spending more than £100 or so on something just to check DH didn't have similar plans that would leave is short. I have variously worked full time, part time, and earned both more and less than DH. It's just one pot.

[HorridHenryrule]

Some women do like the man to have control maybe this is the case with the Op. At what cost is she willing to carry on allowing it to go on.

[EmzDisco]

I am currently a SAHP, we have joint finances and we both know roughly how much we have to spend each month, have an idea of bills, our general food shopping budget etc. We discuss if we want to buy something 'big' or if there is an unexpected expense. I generally do the cooking and food shopping, my DP would think I'd gone mad if I ran the list past him every time. Apart from to ask if he wanted me to get anything for him. He trusts me to not spend all our money in Tesco, as I would do him. We trust and respect each other, in general and with our money. If our daughter needs things, I buy them, or he does, as appropriate. From our money. As we are both her parents!

It sounds as though you have some major issues, as PP have already suggested.

[MrsJayy]

Your husband wants to be asked for money do you not have access to extra money is that what you are saying?

[stoopido]

"I'm a sahm. We have a joint account into which DH's wage gets paid, and everything comes out of it, via bills accounts.
I've never thought of asking for money as if I want something I'll get it, as does DH. Any large purchases we tend to run past each other but we both see it as Our money, not 'his money which he lets me have'."

This ^^^

[Allthewaves]

not one should have to ask for money in a relationship unless discussing big purchases. We pay all the bills, have joint pot for food money so either of us can buy milk and left over money is split as spending. We have always done this when dh was at home then when i was at home.

[SheldonCRules]

A thank you for parenting your own child?? Why, isn't that a given.

Housekeeping money is for running the home, some still do that and subscribe to that era but more and more couples both work so that they are equal and not at the whim of another person for their every need. Too much can and does go wrong.

[StarlingMurderation]

We have a joint account. I work PT and my salary goes into this account. DP works full time and his salary is three times mine, and it goes in the joint account. No way would I have accepted separate accounts once we had DS.

[DefinitelyOdd]

I am the breadwinner and my partner is a SAHD. I run the accounts and make sure that there is enough money in the joint account for day to day expenditures. I also let him know when months are tight so as not to overspend.

I joke about giving him pin money but would actually be quite angry if he expected it. He works hard at home and I work hard to give us the home. For me to pay him would strike me as patronising.

[Willow2016]

You posted 2nd post just before I did so missed that one.
Nope having to justify buying extra milk is really not on.
I knew someone in a controlling relationship and this is what happened to her too.
Please remember You are contributing just as much as your do it's just not in cold hard cash. You should make a list of what it would cost for a cleaner, child care, to show him how much you are saving him.
Ask him his problem with buying food let him do the shopping for a couple of weeks see what he gets for his budget and see how long it lasts.
If he is stopping you buying basics then stop buying HIM treats.

Families should pull together not boss each other around.

Are there any other controll issues he has with you as I know financial control is just one of many my friend had to put up with untill she ltb

[Willow2016]

You know what it would cost about £350 to hire someone to look after your child say 12 hours a day plus getting up in night on occasion plus lsundry/ironing plus a cleaner 2 hours a day
Tell him you will accept that in a 'wage' per week and you will use the money as you see fit. Then watch him turn pale😀 or you get a card that gives you access to your current account to get whatever shopping you need as and when you need it. Think I know which one he will prefer 😉

[averylongtimeago]

We just have "the money". At times I have been a sahm, sometimes worked full or part time, but he has always earned more than I have. We have a very fair split of household chores, and of child care when they were at home.
But "the money" is ours, not mine, not his, but ours. I actually do the accounts, but if either of us wants something then we buy it, we know how much we have got. Larger purchases are discussed first.

I would never have to justify needed extra for food or for going "off plan" when doing the weekly shop.
It sounds like you have other issues with your DH.

[IAmAPaleontologist]

We don't have a joint account, I like having my own account and dh has his banking organised to the nth degree with spreadsheets and graphs. I think his head would explode if we tried to mix things. When I have been a sahm he has had a direct debit set up to put money in my account each month. This has varied according to income and how much I was getting in tax credits etc but it was always ample for the food shopping, all child related purchases and my own stuff. It covered all my day to day life such as toddler groups, coffee and cake with friends and so on. I didn't have to justify my expenditure. Now I'm working and am part time and much lower pay band than dh but again we have things organised fairly. He doesn't pay into my account any more but I cover child stuff like school dinners and clothes, my clothes, my petrol and most food shopping and that leaves me spare to save each month. He pays mortgage, all bills, my car insurance and service yearly as well as his own and so on. And we communicate.

[IAmAPaleontologist]

We don't have a joint account, I like having my own account and dh has his banking organised to the nth degree with spreadsheets and graphs. I think his head would explode if we tried to mix things. When I have been a sahm he has had a direct debit set up to put money in my account each month. This has varied according to income and how much I was getting in tax credits etc but it was always ample for the food shopping, all child related purchases and my own stuff. It covered all my day to day life such as toddler groups, coffee and cake with friends and so on. I didn't have to justify my expenditure. Now I'm working and am part time and much lower pay band than dh but again we have things organised fairly. He doesn't pay into my account any more but I cover child stuff like school dinners and clothes, my clothes, my petrol and most food shopping and that leaves me spare to save each month. He pays mortgage, all bills, my car insurance and service yearly as well as his own and so on. And we communicate.