To think sole bread winner should pay housekeeping, plus the age of leaving children alone

[SingingInTheRainstorm]

I was reading on another thread about a DW asking her DH for housekeeping. This is something that has cropped up in conversation a few times, with myself and DH, the answer has just been no.

SAHD are more prevalent now, but as soon as they start working it seems they think the freedom of equality equals, if we want money we should go and earn it. Even if that means working full time and relying on childcare for DC's depending on their age. Which pretty much negates the point of working once paid.

A lot of women get paid less than their DP/DW, also in the cases where the women were the sole breadwinners, I'm sure money was handed over, so DH's wallet wasn't empty.

AIBU to think that should a woman/man not work, or work part time hours in order to look after DC, then the person who earns more should offer a token gesture if possible of 'X' housekeeping, as the main care giver has a huge job in parenting. There's nothing wrong in expecting housekeeping if you're male or female? It's not against feminist principles, because if DH earns 4/5 times as much as you do, it's common sense they'd be willing to give some money as a thank you for looking after your DC.

Long gone are the days from the 70's, 89's and even 90's where DC's can come home from school say aged 10+, staying at home unsupervised. What age in the current climate would you leave DC alone? Bearing in mind if you have 2 or more, it's likely WW3 will have erupted by the time you get home, as that's siblings.

[CripsSandwiches]

We have a joint account so DH's salary and whatever extra I earn goes in and is for all of us. Neither of us are big spenders, most of our spending is family stuff (days out etc.) but if someone needs something (e.g. new laptop) and we can afford it it comes out of the joint money. Likewise when I inherited some money it went into a joint savings account.

[PatriciaHolm]

You shouldn't have to justify needing more milk or bread, for heavens sake.

[Geraldthegiraffe]

You'd have to get permission buy sour cream and guacamole? That really doesn't sound right, sorry :(

[EchidnasPhone]

As a sahp the money is shared & not something I worry about spending. My main issue as a sahp is division of free time & how downtime isn't equally shared. The assumption that I take on all childcare responsibilities whether the other parent is here or not. That's something that I find more troubling.

[Mulberry72]

I'm a SAHM (for health reasons) and receive a tiny amount of benefits. DH's earnings place him in the additional tax bracket.

Our money goes into the same account and all the bills/shopping/other household expenses come from that account, that's the way we've always done it.

MIL & FIL have separate finances and FIL still now gives MIL housekeeping from his pension as he did from his wages when he worked. Seems to work for them (they've been married 65 years!) I guess it's just whatever you're used to.

[Geraldthegiraffe]

I think op you want to ask a different question to what you've asked, rather than a general question ome more specific to your circumstances.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Well, speaking as the working partner while my husband is a SAHD - he has any access he likes. He has a card for our account, he doesn't have to ask me for money and I don't have to give it to him.

Although I quite like handing him a fiver every so often and telling him to 'buy himself something nice' with a wink and a bum slap of course!

[GrumpyoldBlonde]

If you have no access to money and have to justify why you need a pint of milk then you are in a financially abusive relationship.
Are you happy in this set up?

[HorridHenryrule]

We don't do house keeping we share everything but if dp wanted to use the money for something else he would always tell me. Not for my permission only to let me know. I have heard of men giving £50 a week as house keeping and the rest of the money is theirs. The women are pissed at this deal but they put up with it.

Are you scared of what your dh will say to you or what he could do to you?
Do you share an account or have access to internet banking?

Me and my partner have our own accounts but we share everything. I can do internet banking so I'm never short when I need money nor is he.

[LivingOnTheDancefloor]

I just don't understand why people accept to be in relationships like these... threads after threads of women saying they have to ask their DP for money to pay for household/children expenses.
And the DP conveniently forgetting that while his partner doesn't earn any money per se, she saves them both a lot of money in childcare.

That is not how a healthy household works!
Maybe I am lucky but when I stopped working DH and I considered his salary as 100% our money.

OP, the only way to resolve this now, IMO, is to write down a budget with all household expenses, including children, plus an allowance for each of you (should be equal ideally).
Setup a joint account, and one personal for you, if you don't have it already.
Have DH make an automatic monthly payment of the household amount to the joint account, and your allowance into your personal account.
It has to be automatic, you shouldn't have to ask for it every month.

[HorridHenryrule]

I'm a SAHM as well but he likes it when I have control over things as well.

[noramum]

I work p/t, earn around 1/3 of DH's salary. We have one account, family income and everything is paid from there.

I do more at home than DH does due to the fact that I only work 3 days. But I would be horrified and think I judged a person wrong if I was told I have to ask for money for purchases.

Being at home: I personally can't see a difference between being at home alone in the Eighties to now apart from the fact that there is more TV on offer and the internet wasn't invented. With clear rules a 10-11 year old is able to be on its own after school. I am a bit more worried about holidays as boredom turns easily into sillyness.

[MizzEmma]

My DH and I discussed this before we got married. His parents always operated separate accounts and he wanted to do the same.

I pointed out that I wasn't at any point ever going to be prepared to ask him permission to buy a dress.

Wisely he immediately saw the light and we've had joint bank accounts our entire married life.

Our money, is our money. It doesn't matter to us who earns it.

[LagunaBubbles]

Shopping is literally done to a meal plan, so if for example bread, milk, extras are required, pretty much have to ask for them and even justify why any extras are needed

This doesnt sound normal or right to me in the context of a healthy relationship at all!

[AcrossthePond55]

Are you asking if your spouse is financially abusive?

It depends. Do you keep to a mutually agreed-upon budget (with a bit of built in 'leeway') for monthly expenses or do you routinely exceed it for 'extras'? Or does your spouse decide unilaterally what should cost how much and give you exactly that amount and you have to beg for money to meet regular expenses let alone 'splurges'?

[PencilsInSpace]

From Money Advice Service:

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse. An abusive partner may stop you from having control over your money as a way of trying to exert power over you.

A financially-abusive partner may also be physically violent, but it’s not always the case. Financial abuse in the home – whether or not it’s accompanied by aggression or physical violence – can leave you feeling isolated, lacking in confidence and trapped.

It can include:

- stopping you from getting (or keeping) a job
- making you hand over your wages or benefits
- making you ask your partner – or others – for money
- making you account for every penny you spend – for example by showing receipts
- not allowing you to spend money on yourself or your children
- controlling your bank account
- stealing, taking or demanding money from you and/or running up debts in your name

Women's Aid can help.

[Littledrummergirl]

When I was a sahm mum dh wage went into our joint account and I paid the bills, ran the household accounts and told him how much was left so he didn't spend on tight months.

When he lost his job and he became a sahd I was working or. I increased my hours, paid the money into our joint account and expected him to run the household accounts.

Now we both work we do it all together.

As long as the funds are available there is no reason for either of you to buy what you need.

[Lemon12345]

We don't have DC, I don't work due to health issues which also means that we have a cleaner and DP has to do a lot at home too even though I'm home all day. Even so DP and I have a joint account for typical expenses that all incoming money goes into, and have an account each for 'spend' which we both get the same amount.
I do often feel guilty for DP having to work and do so much at home and that I get as much as he does. But then he reminds me my health isn't my fault, and if things were the other way around I would insist the same happened. I do tend to buy him things out of my spend as a thank you just for being so awesome. But then he does that for me too...

[EnormousTiger]

It amazes those of us with equality to see these kinds of relationships around. We both always worked full time. All accounts were joint. We were both careful with money. It worked.

[SparklyTwinkleGlitter]

We have both separate and a joint account in the U.K. but I have to ask DH for money to cover my bills or if I'm going out for a coffee etc.

I worked for 25 years before having DS and always managed my own money. However, I'm a SAHM now and I don't have a bank account in the country we live in as there's no such thing as free banking here. (We'd pay extra charges if I was added to DH's account.) I'm not planning on wasting money on quarterly bank charges so in the meantime, I'll ask for x amount whenever I need to.

It's annoying occasionally if I'm out and don't have much cash on me or I want to shop online as I have to ask DH for his card details but I still have my credit card for emergencies. I have my own savings (pension arrangement etc.) but Ultimately, how we (or anyone else) manage our financial affairs is no-one else's business.
When/if I go back to paid employment, I'll probably open an account here in my name.
OP, just do what works for you.

[dementedpixie]

I don't work but dh does. We have a joint account so if either of us needs to buy anything we can. Dh will often phone at lunchtime to see if he needs to get anything on the way home from work if I have forgotten or haven't had time to get it. He trusts me not to go overboard and in turn he is not frivolous either.

[29redshoes]

OP, I wouldn't be happy in your situation.

We have a joint account, always have and always will. This was the same while I was on maternity leave and will be the same if either one of us gives up work in the future.

I understand that some don't see the necessity of joint accounts but the idea of housekeeping and childcare coming out of one person's salary is bizarre to me. Unless there have been some very, very careful calculations and the other partner is paying for the equivalent share of bills, mortgage etc so that it's fair. But that sounds like a really complicated way to do things.

[HorridHenryrule]

I don't think it is working or she wouldn't have to ask for other peoples opinions. We don't know your husband to say whether he is financially abusing you or not. Only you can answer that question.

[Salumeria]

We both have access to main bank accounts, all wages etc from both of us go in there. (I work part time, so DH earns about 4 times what I do). Everything we spend comes out of that one account.

We both "spend what we like", we don't have a set amount allocated each month (though DH does keep accounts of everything that's been spent, and categorises it on a spreadsheet.)

I would tell DH if I was planning to buy something big, out of courtesy (and probably because I would be excited about it), and he would do the same - but we are both equally able to see whether or not we can afford it, and to budget sensibly, without allocating each other spending money each month - that's just not necessary for us.

I wouldn't expect money as a "thank you" for looking after the DC . But I also wouldn't expect to have to ask DH for money. As far as we are concerned, it is all family money, and we both spend it as we see fit.

[BeMorePanda]

what is "housekeeping" - I don't think I understand what the OP is asking?

Surely if one adult is working and one adult is staying at home to raise kids etc, then the one wage is the family income?

As situation where one person controls all the money and the other partner has to ask for money every time they need it, is a pretty abusive and perilous situation.