To ask for your advice on becoming a SAHM

[Doyoufeelluckypunk]

I and my DH both work full time, netting a good wage between us, about a 35/65 split in his favour.

We have two DC's both in infant school and his role is about to change, most likely to involve more travel etc.

The topic of me taking a career break has come up and I really don't know what to think. Like everyone else ( I think!) My job is great on some days and not so great on others, there is absolutely no opportunity to go part time, or find a part time role at my level.

Part of me thinks it would be great to take a couple of years out, enjoy more time with the children, get fit (or am I dreaming!?), live at a more relaxed pace etc. But the other part of me frets about pension contributions, financial independence etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? All advice welcome, I am totally on the fence!

[LatteDa]

As listed by PPs there are pros & cons to both. What do you WANT to do?

[Changednamesorry]

Don't do it. If you have a good job with a good salary then I assume it is one that occupys your mind as well as your time. Especially if both your kids are at school then your brain will turn to mush unless you are planning on studying or similar. Why would you waste years of experience and work to be a SAHM to school age children? Honestly ....don't. And for those saying it will be so easy to go back in a few years.....it might be .....or not. If you need a change look for a new role or challenge.....but staying at home is unlikely to be a challenge at all. That's befire we talk about financial independence etc etc. And it is utter nonsense that SAHM are closer to their kids. My mum was back at work when I was 11 weeks old and we are very close. I work and am very close to my son.....pregnant again at and will go back to work when the baby is 9 months. It's important to have an identity other than "wife and mother" IMO. 2017 and all that. .....obviously in the case of very young kids or those with additional needs things are different....but I really don't understand educated women staying at home when their children are at school.

[Littledrummergirl]

I loved being a sahm when my dc were small. After a few years I started to go crazy though and was glad to go into pt work.

I wouldn't change those early years with my dc for anything.

[Golightly133]

All the time I spent at home I have never had an identity crisis, I think sometimes we can overthink things. I don't believe for one minute going to work keeps your identity, from what I have seen there are alot of my daughters freinds whose mums have never been to sports day or reading hour or a school play if that's the price of financial independence you can keep it. It's all about balance and what you want. My children have never had to go to childcare/after school clubs etc
And I am really happy with that . my best friends children were in school 8-6 that's 2 hours longer than her day at work, at age 5! They were so tired and grouchy when they got home it was a real struggle - but it must suit them it's all about personal choice

[bibbetybobbetybooo]

I'm in a position where I'm considering being a SAHM too, but I don't think I can do it.

Yes - my career might be affected. But, for me, it's more to do with my relationship. I know that if I become a SAHM I'll get constant swipes, comments and rudeness from my OH. He won't see what I'm doing as being of any value, despite the fact that we spend a fortune (almost all my wage) on childcare.

If you're in a similar position to me, don't do it. You might need your financial security if your relationship ends. Mine is rocky so I'm keeping my job. Not worth the risk.

[NataliaOsipova]

Yet if I rocked out the old clichés about working mums, I'd be criticised quicker than you could say boo.

My thoughts exactly.....

[mishmash1979]

I am an educated woman who has chosen to be a SAHM since I had my first child 14 yrs ago. I love it and it's only now that my youngest is 7 that I am thinking about returning to the world of work. I have been the parent who helps out with reading in school, who volunteers for school trips, picks my kids up when sick, stayed home with them when sick,organises school fundraising events. Have also supported all 4 of my kids in whatever activities they wished to pursue and tried to keep our house running smoothly. I have no financial independence but am absolutely sure that if I had not stayed home my husband would not be in the job he is in now earning the sort of money he does. I am happy that everyone else is happy. When I briefly returned to work we were all miserable and I was shouting as we were always rushing around trying to get to school on time, cooking dinner on time, getting to swimming on yimevetc. It's not a life I enjoyed. Why make plans that r based on doom and gloom, yrs your husband could leave you, yes you could end up losing your position in the job market but who cares. When u r on your deathbed having your own money in the bank will mean nothing.

[Filibustering]

When you say a career break, do you mean a structured period of unpaid
leave after which you can return to your current job at the same level, or do you mean quitting your job and hoping to get another job in a few years? If the latter, no, I would not even consider it.

When you say the topic of you taking a career break 'has come up' shortly before your DH changes roles and starts to travel more, who brought it up? Him? In our house, neither of us can commit long term to a role that means we can't take care of DS - a role change would involve serious conversations about the logistics. In fact, DH is currently spending about half of every month on the opposite side of the world, but it's a very short term thing, because it puts too much pressure on me to juggle a demanding FT job and DS.

[Servicesupportforall]

Never ever regretted being a sahm. Dh works away so it would have been impossible for me to work at my previous nursing job.

I helped out at school and illness/holidays etc are just so stress free and easy. Being off all summer holidays with your kids is utter bliss.

Of your dh suddenly turns into s financially controlling twat as soon as you leave work then really your marriage is crap in the first place.

Regarding returning yo work can't live your life thinking about what will happen in the future while ignoring the here and now. My youngest is 17 now and she still needs me. I help care for my grandson and my elderly parents too and really couldn't work. Am very happy. Dh is happy, kids happy.

It's a personal choice op but don't listen to the tired old stereotypes trotted out here.

[livingthegoodlife]

im a SAHM because the childcare bill seriously outweighs my wages (we had 3 children in 3 years). My oldest has just started school.

I like being at home to provide stability for the children, no being passed from pillar to post or last minute childcare changes etc (i did return to work fulltime after my second so i did nearly a year of nursery/childminder runs and hated it!)

I like being there after school for reading, making sure dinner is ready and just pottering, I like the fact our weekends as a family are just about doing fun things. All the the chores have been done during the week.

I think though OP you are in a different position because yours are already at school. Do you think you would get bored? what about a change of career to something that lets you go part-time? You say there is no opportunity in your current job but why not something else?

I will consider returning to work when the youngest starts school. I am a professional and am aware it will be difficult for me to return to my previous field. It will have to be a more junior position or a career change for me (more reason for me to stay at home!)

[SparkleShinyGlitter]

I had my first baby last August and I was planning to take 18 months leave ( on a very generous maternity pay package) but I am bloody bored at home, I miss my fast paced stressful job. I had a meeting with work yesterday and I will be returning to work on the 1st Feb I can't stay home any longer.

I personally couldn't stay home with just my dh bringing in a wage as to me it wouldn't feel right. On my weddding day my Aunt said to me " Never rely on a man for money, always be able to support yourself" and I think there is a lot to be said for that

[monkeysox]

If you can't go.p/t see if you could condense hours into 4 days?

[ailPartout]

On my weddding day my Aunt said to me " Never rely on a man for money, always be able to support yourself" and I think there is a lot to be said for that

At the risk of derailing the thread, why not? I think it says a lot about your Aunt's experience of men and marriage as opposed to what a marriage can be like. DH was reliant on me for ~4 years and I him. Isn't it all about support and not being afraid to depend on one another?

[Rixera]

I think a lot of this depends on you.
How much to you enjoy solitude?
How much do you enjoy housework?
How much are you prepared to sacrifice re luxuries? (Being able to buy things without budgeting too closely, holidays, replacing broken things)

Realistically, unless you have a lot of close SAHM friends a lot of your day will be spent by yourself. You will be responsible for all of the chores because you won't just not have a job, that will become your job. If things aren't done it will be you who has to stress about it.
Your pay cut may affect your lifestyle, you'll have to think before deciding whether or not you can buy branded goods, or if you fancy a coffee or lunch out whether or not you can actually afford it.
You'll have to be careful with savings in case your OH loses his job for whatever reason- illness, redundancy, whatever.

If you're happy with that being your lifestyle and would prefer that to the stresses of working outside the home then of course, there's your choice.

[Cakingbad]

Being a SAHM for a few years can lead to a new career, self-employment for example. I can think of lots of examples. Who wants to do the same thing forever? A change is always a good thing I think. If you do become a SAHM and you have the money, don't give up all your current childcare. You could do a course or a part-time job. You could accompany your DH on his travels sometimes too.

[lostinfrance2016]

My main advice (which we did anyway but I have realised from endless posts on MN that not everyone does) is that you sort the finances out right from the start. So you have a joint account that you both have equal access to, that any savings / investments that are accumulating while you are not working are in both your names (because you are still contributing even if you are not earning a salary), and that all your family assets are shared right from the start and that you have equal say over financial issues and decisions.

I don't think it's automatically bad that the housework falls to the non-employed person, especially once the children are in school. My DH works long, stressful, inflexible hours (teacher) to bring in the money. I cover everything to do with the children / house / admin / finances, including the drudge work of cooking, cleaning, clothing etc. Nothing to do with him being a man, me being a women, just a practical and fair way to split the overall work / labour that is involved in keeping our family chugging along. In practice we split evening chores quite evenly as DH likes to be involved.

For us the single biggest advantage of having a SAHP is that it makes our daily lives much less stressful. DH is not in a position to take children to appointments, pick up from school every night, stay home with a sick child, go to school meetings, etc. So I can cover all that - and it's not a hassle, no one has to rush / stress / feel torn in two when anything unexpected happens, I can generally pick up the slack.

The one thing that does bring stress is financial. One (modest) salary only goes so far, and my last advice is to do a very honest, realistic budget for living on one salary, and work out whether you can afford to maintain a lifestyle that you are both happy with.

BTW you can continue to make pension contributions (NI credits anyway) while you aren't working - it's all on the HMRC website.

[Longdistance]

I was pretty much forced to give up my career as my h wanted to pursue his in Oz. We did emigrate, but I really regretted it as he was tight with money, and hated being a sahm and being taken for granted.

To cut a long boring story short, we came back from Oz to the Uk, and I couldn't get back into my job again. So had to find another, in finance, which pays pants, and don't like it as much as my previous job.

The moral of the story is, never let anyone trample over you for their goals/dreams whilst being downtrodden and left out in the cold thinking 'wtf happened there?'

[LumelaMme]

I was a SAHM for a long time and loved it, but my earning power has never recovered. That is partly due to my own choice - I don't want to go back into the sort of job I did before. I did end up doing almost everything round the house, but I expected that as DH's working day got longer, had to travel etc.

If you can get a career break out of your place of work, that's a really good option, because it means you can go back later, where you were before in terms of earnings, status and responsibility.

[Babbitywabbit]

Pros and cons but on balance it sounds as though there's a lot you like about your job. Yes you'll have not such good days, but that'll be true if you're a SAHM too.
It doesn't have to mean career suicide to stop working but it DOES make it more difficult to get back in to a good job. I've witnessed that first hand and you'll see the same on the 'work' topics here on MN- capable women with all the qualifications who are struggling to get an interview

[minipie]

I agree with Rixera at lot depends on whether you would actually enjoy the SAHM role.

Bear in mind that being a SAHM day in day out is different from weekends when your DH is around and you share the childcare/chores and do fun family stuff. Especially if you are on a fairly tight budget. There is a lot of drudgery involved. Obviously many people don't mind that and are happy to do it if it gives them more time with DC. But some people find it mind numbingly boring and lonely. Which are you do you think?

[Liiinoo]

I was a SAHM most of my children's childhood. Money was tight, we ate a lot of lentils and bought a lot of second hand clothes and toys but it was the happiest time of my life. I never thought I would be that person and always assumed I would be a working mum, but as soon as I was pregnant I realised I didn't want other people spending more time with my child than I did.

[Pinkheart5915]

I am a sham and it is by choice.

Dh would more than like to be at home with the dc but for now anyway we agreed I would stay home, we might look at changing things in a years time.

I do enjoy being a sahm, I enjoy not missing anything new the dc do & just spending time with them. I do many activities with my babies ( swimming, yoga, library groups etc) so I don't really get bored being home as we get out and about a fair bit and I'm always taking to somewhere

I have an income of my own from rental properties and a business but I wouldn't be a sahm if I had to be reliant on dh for money because I think to have no income of your own is quite silly and leaves you very vulnerable. Then I don't think any partner male or female should rely on the other for money

[MagicMojito]

It seems your never meant to even hint that there are some bad points of being a wohm yet being a sahm your fair game.

Why will OP lose her self confidence?
Why will OPs dh suddenly become resentful?
Why will OP become the family skivvy/ be bored/ lonely etc???

Surely we have moved past this point of not understanding that different families work in different ways and require difference set ups?

OP do whats best for you and your family.
Would it be possible to take 6months break , see how you all get on and then make an informed decision that way?

Life can go right or wrong for all sorts of reasons. There really is no right or wrong solution here. Just see what works

Good luck

FWIW Im a sahm and i love and hate it in equal measure. Much the same as when i was working.

[VladmirsPoutine]

The road to madness is becoming financially dependant on someone else.