To ask for your advice on becoming a SAHM

[Doyoufeelluckypunk]

I and my DH both work full time, netting a good wage between us, about a 35/65 split in his favour.

We have two DC's both in infant school and his role is about to change, most likely to involve more travel etc.

The topic of me taking a career break has come up and I really don't know what to think. Like everyone else ( I think!) My job is great on some days and not so great on others, there is absolutely no opportunity to go part time, or find a part time role at my level.

Part of me thinks it would be great to take a couple of years out, enjoy more time with the children, get fit (or am I dreaming!?), live at a more relaxed pace etc. But the other part of me frets about pension contributions, financial independence etc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? All advice welcome, I am totally on the fence!

[user1470584717]

I gave up my 42k job to become SAHM 9 years ago. What a mistake, I was bored, stressed, 24/7 childcare as well as full time cleaner, cook etc. Never did these matters because I love my children and though husband loved me until he has been caught lying and cheating. Now I've got no where to go because I am jobless, I am still applying jobs that doesn't even cover most of the childcare cost for 3 kids. It's up to you to decide how easy it is for you to get back to your career because you probably will want one at some point hopefully not the same reason as mine.

[LunaLoveg00d]

My DH only earns s massive salary because we as a family decided one of us needed to be at home and that it should be me. Leaving him free to fly off at short notice and get out of bed at 3am to go to the office when something goes tits up.

I certainly wouldn't want the responsibility or stress he has and am quite happy earning my "holiday money". It works for us. It works for our children. I'm not being treated as a skivvy or abused financially. Far from it. There are no rights and wrongs.

[VaginaDentata]

I guess it's blinkered Vagina. I guess there's also my awful childhood and rape and sexual abuse I experienced in my teens. I've been suicidal

Sorry to hear that, Batteries. Me, too, in fact - abused aged ten, and a career through shrinks, fairly total breakdowns and self-harm in my student years. Not that it's any kind of suffering competition, but I still can't consult nothing but my own happiness in terms of how I run my life as an adult.

My DH earns 10 times what I do. I have been at home since my eldest was born 13 years ago

Many people place two statements like this side by side on threads like this, with no apparent ability to see the link between them.

[LunaLoveg00d]

Don't do it, your children are in school so there's no reason to be home all day every day.

Husband bashers out in force too, I see. Not all men take stay at home partners for granted, financially control them and then up and leave after 20 years, leaving the woman destitute.

My DH earns 10 times what I do. I have been at home since my eldest was born 13 years ago and work for myself, at home when the kids are at school. DH has a job which involves a lot of travel and nights away and can't just be dropped at a moment's notice when a child falls ill. We have three kids all in school - this week alone I have one at the orthodontist, one at the optician and another needing taken to a special workshop thing at a school across the city. And that's without the regular ferrying around to brownies, cubs, dancing,football etc etc etc. If I were working in a "proper" job in an office, we'd be using all of our holiday for the orthodontics and other appointments and never have time as a family!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to take a step back and having a couple of years at home. Take some time, do different things, volunteer, get involved at school or take up yoga. Then you might decide AS A FAMILY that actually, you'be be happier working part time. Or not at all. Or full time. Whatever works for you.

[Babyroobs]

I'd carry on working but look for a part time job. It's the best of both worlds. I'm lucky I'm in a job where I have been able to increase and decrease my hours at various times during my kids childhoods. For me it would be too risky to give up income altogether as you just don't know what's around the corner.

[Batteriesallgone]

I guess it's blinkered Vagina. I guess there's also my awful childhood and rape and sexual abuse I experienced in my teens. I've been suicidal.

I didn't go straight from my mums house to my husbands house as a kept little woman. I clawed my way through education and temporary accommodation, doing various different jobs until I landed a high earning career and bought my first home.

Then I moved into my husbands house and initiated a career change to kept woman.

Maybe a lot of people take happiness for granted and haven't spent much time staring into the abyss. Who knows.

[VaginaDentata]

I do find it odd that so many people find career success defining. I mean, great if your job is your hobby/passion and enriches your life. Or if you want career success to be your personal 'thing'. But for many people it isn't and yet they still feel their career is what gives their life structure and purpose.

I guess I'm either selfish or lazy, because I define my life by how happy I am. I don't need a job to feel I have worth.

I think that's fairly blinkered, Batteries. People tend to define themselves by their jobs purely because that's what they spend an awful lot of their waking life doing, rather than from some shallow materialism or ambition. Presumably that's also why SAHPs frequently self-define in relation to their children - it's a time-investment thing.

Don't get me wrong, it's nice that you are happy, but I think a lot of people who are constrained in jobs which are a means to an end, sometimes in order to keep a roof over their family's heads, would see that self-definition via personal happiness level as a privilege reserved for a minority in easy financial circumstances.

[Doyoufeelluckypunk]

Blueshoes - I am far too much of a slattern to be trusted with keeping the house shipshape!

Although, some semblance of order would be nice!

[Batteriesallgone]

I never said people who work are always defined by it, I said I find it odd when people choose to define themselves by their work. Unless the job is a vocation which is totally different.

Equally I find it odd when SAHPs define themselves by their child's interests and successes.

But don't worry, I've noted that my life will fall apart when my kids get older, and I'll be clinging onto their shoelaces screaming BUT WHAT ABOUT MOMMY whilst they drag themselves away from me to uni / travelling, with barely a backwards glance or phone call. Then my husband will probably cheat on me and leave because I've become so insular and boring. That's the usual mumsnet doom and gloom scenario isn't it

[blueshoes]

Can you negotiate with your employer to work from home? I find working from home gives me much more face time with the children and I feel more connected to their lives, particularly once they are at school.

If your dh is the sole earner, will you be able to afford a cleaner and other housekeeping help without your wage? The most pointless thing about SAHM-ing from the perspective of someone who has worked in a professional job is having to do repetitive menial tasks that any one with no skills can do. If you cannot afford to outsource those tasks to someone else and end up spending a significant amount of time cleaning, cooking and doing laundry and household admin, there is a risk you end up giving up a real job to be a skivvy for your dh and children.

I would not be able to cope with that, and the loss of financial independence, even if the trade-off is more time with the children.

You said it is easy for you to get back into your industry. I think that is important. My children are older and are at the stage where many of their friends' mothers who are SAHMs want to go back to work. I thank my lucky stars every day I have a job I love which pays me a good whack for flexible hours that I could not possibly have if I took a career break.

It is what you consider to be important in the short, medium and long term.

[cestlavielife]

Someone has to fund that lifestyle batteries. ..sometimes there is no choice.

Will your identity change when kids are grown up ?
What do you become when dc are grown up?
Maybe you do other things anyway so you are also a volunteer or a school governor.... or an eBay seller. Or a crafter or dog walker (even if it's just your own ) Perhaps sahp do have other identities too . Just as a wohp has other identities due to their job or profession ...as well as being a parent.

[Batteriesallgone]

I know I'm a SAHM, but...

I do find it odd that so many people find career success defining. I mean, great if your job is your hobby/passion and enriches your life. Or if you want career success to be your personal 'thing'. But for many people it isn't and yet they still feel their career is what gives their life structure and purpose.

I guess I'm either selfish or lazy, because I define my life by how happy I am. I don't need a job to feel I have worth.

[Doyoufeelluckypunk]

Thanks all.

I'm going to mull it over further before I make a decision, I don't want to act in haste.

Career success seems so defining sometimes that I wonder what my new benchmark would be, I suppose it's a journey to undertake if I go that way.

I know a lot of people have commented about the children being in school, but it felt much easier when they were at nursery, now I worry that they are missing out on extra curricula activities because I collect them so late every day. They are with the childminder for half seven and collected at six.

I'm sure I will find a whole new range of things to feel guilty about if I give up work for a while!

[cestlavielife]

I think the working parent also gets to share the triumph don't they ? Or does that parent not get told "hey look what little dc did today?! "And they say "wow I am.so proud of you "and little.dc glows. .. does it lessen the pleasure for both? Because it's an hour later?

If you want time out to be at home and it works financially then give it a go... it seems.you have nothing to lose.

If you are positive about work you will probably be positive about running the show at home and making the most of your time.

(When exp became a sahp it was a disaster...it exacerbated his stress and mh issues...he was jealous of me going out and resentful. It doesn't work for all! .)

[minipie]

every little smile and triumph

Yup, and every little strop, snotty nose, uncleared plate, pooey bum, broken toy, sibling squabble, ... Those will all be yours as well

More seriously, OP, if you are confident you can get back into the industry easily, and there is nothing particularly special about your current job, then you have nothing to lose. Jack it in and see how it goes. If you hate it go back. Just try to be clear to DC and DH that it's a temporary break so they don't adjust their mindset to you being at home forever.

[ginorwine]

Ps can you take a career break or similar - some employees may be willing ?

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

The "every little smile and triumph" comment is very silly, most particularly so because the OP's children are already at school.

So there's plenty of smiles going unnoticed no matter what. Sad!

I have the DC locked in up in cages. They don't smile much, but by God I see every one!

[ginorwine]

I did it for 5 years and it was fab , then when they went to school I worked part time so that I could go to most of the school sports and collected dc daily from school .
It was expected that I did the cooking and cleaning etc but I enjoyed the balance between work and domestic life v much . It's an individual choice . Do what ur gut tells you . I know people say you can be vulnerable to be dependant on a man but you do have rights if married and trust plays a part in this - I know people can split up of course but I cdnt live life avoiding doing what I felt best at the time due to a future thing that may not happen ..

[Batteriesallgone]

It can be lonely. You can end up getting fixated on housework that really doesn't need doing (skirting boards?) or alternatively going weeks neglecting important stuff because it's so freaking repetitive and boring. Or maybe that's just me. I was like that as an employee too!

Being a SAHM only really works in a respectful relationship. But hopefully you have that anyway.

Regarding the financials - I went to a talk by someone called Jann Brown. She was a SAHM until her husband died young with cancer. On her own with young kids she retrained in accountancy and rose to be a top oil and gas executive. One of the few women to head up a FTSE 100 company.

If the only thing that mattered in work was years under your belt, no senior figures would be under 50. But frequently they are young, they rise quickly because 'they've got it'. Having said that, only you know how crucial a few years gap would be in your industry.

If you want to do it, have you considered asking for an extended period of unpaid leave from your work? When I left to be a SAHM I was offered a two year 'off' period, at the end of which I would be reemployed on my old terms although not necessarily in the same role. I turned it down because I knew I'd be out for more than 2 years and didn't want to mess them about. But it's worth investigating as an option maybe?

[GetAHaircutCarl]

estate is just women that give you the . How about men? Is it sad how common it is for them to have a job?

[lostinfrance2016]

I think this battle between SAHM and WOHM is so pointless.

I know families where both parents work, and things are ticking along just fine and everyone seems to be happy: they can afford a high material standard of living, parents are fulfilled and glad to be providing good role models for their kids etc. And I know families with a SAHP that work really well, where - despite a lower income - the children have a shorter day and a more relaxed schedule, they get more time with at least one parent, if someone's ill it's not a big drama etc.

I also know families with two working parents, where the children are knackered and stressed at having to be in childcare from 8am to 6pm every day of the week, where a sick child causes a major childcare emergency, where parents feel guilty that their kids live on freezer food and only see their parents for 10 minutes a day before bedtime. And I know SAHM families where the woman is bored out of her mind, feels totally devalued, hates being at home with children (which isn't good for her or for them) and / or has ended up in a financially abusive relationship and has nowhere to go as she has been out of paid work for so long.

There's no ideal. We've all got different values, and (ideally) we can each create the lifestyle / kind of family that helps us to fulfil them. I might (secretly) think that my way is best ;-), but really, I know it's just one choice among many.

[BToperator]

Does it have to be either keep doing what you are doing, or stop work altogether? Have you considered looking for a different job that allows you the option to work part time? That always seems like the best of both worlds to me, in that you get more time with the DC, without completely giving up your financial independence.

[estateagentfromhell]

Its certainly becoming more common, which is something I find quite sad tbh.

[GetAHaircutCarl]

Being a working parent is perfectly normal and normalised.

[estateagentfromhell]

It is amazing - really it is...I get to enjoy and share every little smile and triumph...wouldn't change it for the world. There's plenty of time to work later, when they don't need you in quite the same way. You'll never get this time back.

I would suggest that you take the 'keep working' responses with a pinch of salt too OP, it has been my experience that WOHMs tend to carry a lot of guilt for their choice and are therefore quite defensive of the idea of continuing to work. The normalisation of working parents validates their own choice.