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AIBU?

To ask about who pays etiquette?

39 replies

bbeevvyy · 31/12/2016 15:16

If you get a takeaway or go to a restaurant when visiting friends or ILs, what is the done thing for who pays? The guest or host or split it 50%?
Thanks

OP posts:

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BackforGood · 31/12/2016 16:02

As long as all comes out in the wash, as it were, over the year, then it doesn't really matter, but, as a baseline, if i were staying for a weekend / few days with someone, i would insist on paying if we went out for a meal or got a takeawzy.
Sometimes the dynamics of family ( or state of finances) come in to it though - I would pay regardless of where we were for young adults starting out in life, as i have more money than they do (eg, if i go and stay with nieces, nephews, dc, god children etc, or if they come to me).

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arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2016 17:14

Depends entirely on other info, it just should be fair.

Scenario 1 - they live close, you're only going for the one meal, and you hosted and paid for food at your house the previous time. They pay.

Scenario 2 - you're visiting for a weekend, they've been wonderful hosts and paid for and made several meals for you during your stay. You pay as a thank you.

We have really stingy friends in our group who happily come to ours and eat our food when it's our turn, then on their turn it's takeaway or restauarant as they 'can't/don't cook' and cost us split. Not sure how they think that's fair!

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SnatchedPencil · 31/12/2016 17:18

Would usually split it, unless the host absolutely insisted. But it depends on circumstances. If I invited people around for dinner, I wouldn't expect them to pay. If I didn't feel like cooking and ordered a takeaway instead, I wouldn't expect them to pay either.

If it were a more informal visit, friends popped over for example, I would fully expect them to offer to pay their share.

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MrsGsnow18 · 31/12/2016 17:20

I would always offer to pay at least half. Parents or in laws would never accept if they had suggested take away. If it was friends I would want to contribute, just like if they were making a meal for me i'd want to help/provide wine/dessert etc.

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PberryT · 31/12/2016 17:24

If you are staying over then guests definitely pay. Rude not to imo.

If you've been invited over specifically for the meal then either split or hosts pay. This depends on lots of things. Eg. Parents would always pay for us and refuse money. Similarly some friends insist they invited us therefore they pay. Otoh if it's a bigger group we tend to split the bill. We always take wine regardless!

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bbeevvyy · 31/12/2016 17:26

Ok interesting, so not a total consensus. As hosts who have suggested the takeaway we're happy to / expecting to pay but then SIL pees me off by declaring it an opportunity to tries things and orders two mains etc.

OP posts:

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Badhairday1001 · 31/12/2016 17:28

I would always split it or if it's my mum I pay because she does loads for us.

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TrustySnail · 31/12/2016 17:32

SIL pees me off by declaring it an opportunity to tries things and orders two mains etc.

Could you get around that by ordering from somewhere that does a 'set meal for 4' or whatever?

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brasty · 31/12/2016 17:45

I think it depends on each situation. I have a friend who is disabled and is thus always skint. I love having her to stay, but I know the travel to mine wipes her out financially, so I would pay. Both of us working, I would expect the guest to offer. If it was my parents, they would insist on paying whether they were the hosts or guests.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/12/2016 17:47

Call your SiL out on it. Say, "Okay, would you like to pay for your extras then?" Big smile.

DH and I are more financially comfortable than the rest of our families. We always willingly pay for take always and restaurant meals. But I can't be doing with people who think they are being clever and try to take advantage (looking at you BiL).

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arethereanyleftatall · 31/12/2016 17:50

Op - I think it was a total consensus - everyone said it depends on the circumstances.

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Crumbs1 · 31/12/2016 17:56

For us it entirely depends on who the guests are and their financial situation. If any of our young adult children, their partners or friends are staying at home we always pay for meals out. My husband would not consider them paying and would feel his ability to provide was being questioned. Yes, yes, he is old fashioned.
If it's my in laws then we pay as they are now quite elderly and living on pensions.
Our own siblings we vary as some are high earners but some are not.
Friends we usually split 50:50 meals out.

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youarenotkiddingme · 31/12/2016 17:59

Agree it depends on circumstances.

I live in a first floor flat, my friend a house with fairly sizeable garden. Throughout the year visits which include children meeting up are usually at hers. (She'll come to mine for coffee sometimes).
Therefore she provides dinner and snacks throughout the year at hers. I usually take sweets for kids or something.

Christmas Eve I organise and pay for. Always have done and tell her it's a thank you for all she does and provides. (Financially her circumstances are far better than mine!) she always offers to pay - I always decline.

Your SIL is taking the piss though. If someone offers to order and fimamce a takeaway for me I order what I know I'll eat and like. My win cash is for trying things!

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frigrightoff · 31/12/2016 17:59

You can't say as it depends on so many factors. If I invited someone over for dinner I would definitely provide the food. If it's a takeaway I would expect to pay for that. You can't invite someone over and not buy the food.

But if it's a general, come over and we will get a takeaway theres an expectation there to go halves.