Some people really do prefer it when you're 'down and out''

[CannotEvenDeal]

So after a few tricky years money/family wise (nothing major, just a few bumps in the road) Dh and I are feeling quite content and rather proud this Christmas.

We just started renting a gorgeous 2 bedroom flat in a naice area, we have had his lovely ds living with us full-time for several years (he's truly like a son to me and is very settled) and I bought a bigger (albeit second-hand) car.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people (including family members) can always find fault/problems with everything that we're happy about. It's so dull!

For example:

We love our new flat, we're very excited/Yes but it's rented so not technically yours

Dss has settled in really well and loves his new school, I'm so proud of him/Yes but he's not really yours, when are you going to have one of your own?

Can't believe we got such a good deal on the car, it runs like new!/What's with that mark on the rear passenger seat though?

I'd like to be clear that we are not boastful or showy people. Like I said, we're just content at the moment and proud of ourselves. I've got people who I thought were friends who've not even asked how the new place is, even though I said I was taking a moving day.

However, I think that quite a lot of people preferred it when dh and I had work problems and things were tight/stressful. They had plenty of time to chat pry and ask questions then.

Whilst we're not wealthy -far from it- I do think that being successful shows you who your true friends are.

[CannotEvenDeal]

Well even if private renting is 'dangerous' we have no choice

No concerns regarding access as I have parental responsibility for dss and we're starting the adopting process very soon.

And the mark on the rear seat was actually a bit dust left by a piece of furniture. And it was commented on by my sister whilst she was sitting at the front

[Walkingtowork]

I think LadyLothian has got it - a lot of people don't understand contentment and don't know how to be "happy with their lot". It's not something we're usually taught. I was so lucky because at my primary school assemblies we were told to have a quiet think (nice moment for the teachers I'm sure!) and count our blessings, and I swear through repetition, it became a habit for me ever since

[ClopySow]

I definitely lost friends when my life got better. Part of that was that they liked a pet rescue case. Part of it was that i stopped needing the support and our friendships just couldn't develop into something different.

My best friendships have ridden the waves of up and down on both sides, but there are very few of them.

[CannotEvenDeal]

knaffed I think I'm bound to go NC with my sister too in the future... they sound v similar

[happychristmasbum]

Walking Me too We even had a "Count Your Blessings" song!!!

It's got me through some dark times.......

[1DAD2KIDS]

When people start subtle digs like that I always take it as a sign I am doing doing well.

[MothersRuinart]

Well done op, sounds like you're doing great :) my Mil is one of those needlessly negative people, she will find a fault with everything and everyone. It's tiring and depressing and dh is worried about her mental health and also thinking of going nc with her. It's really sad and nobody needs people like that around them, life is hard enough without someone constantly pissing on your parade.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Also I must say I have never experianced this with my male friends but my ex wife used to experience it loads with hers.

[m0therofdragons]

Mil regularly points out how nice it would be if we had a bigger house / garden. We're crap at gardening and live right by a park with no roads to cross. Garden has play house, sand pit and slide plus a bench and space for a rug for picnics. It's fine! House not massive but fab for us.

We live in a nice area. Fil regularly calls it "yuppy-ville". They're very much glass half empty people and seem to hate that we're happy.

[Meemolly]

It wouldn't bother me to sit on a mark on a car seat. Our car has lots of marks, because it's old. Sorry I find it really weird that that point keeps coming up, sometimes things get marks on them, it's no big deal.

[m0therofdragons]

I hate people who "tell it like it is!" Often it's just to make them feel better but they convince themselves it's for their own good

[Bluebolt]

I do find people do not like change and you become your circumstances and a change of circumstances leads to a perceived change of personality. If I tell my brother anything good I a bragging if I do not tell him it's because I am so up myself and he is not important enough to be told.

[Disappointednomore]

I've been wondering about this. My sister and I never got on, were nc for years but she has been fabulous and supportive since XH left me and DD. To be fair we were already on a journey to improving our relationship when he left but an uncharitable part of me does wonder if she's (albeit subconsciously) enjoying being the sibling who is doing well. Regardless of that let's be clear that if these people help us in the bad times then that's when we really need it isn't it

[KnittedBlanketHoles]

Some people really don't like to see others happy and successful.

[Euripidesralph]

People who rip others to shreds and then claim it's because they "care" might want to look up gaslighting. ...a common former of psychological abuse that's found in Greater or lesser degrees.

There's a difference between pointing out honestly in a compassionate and supportive way if you are concerned about someone ....and destroriginal someone's happiness because you think you know better or are jealous and needy

Op I've lost a fewe friends when I didn't want to play the poor relation it's their issue

[Shelby2010]

It's like being the 'fat friend'. Start dieting successfully & the 'friend' who secretly measured herself as being thinner than you will start sabotaging and making negative comments about your weight loss

[ShinyMoonFace]

Yes, I understand what you mean OP.

We recently seemed to lose a friend. DH and I have been in precarious jobs for years, and he finally got a pretty secure (2 year contract) and very well-paying job. Her jealousy has been all consuming, it seems. It is odd to me, because we have LITERALLY not bought anything flashy or showy, or done anything out of the ordinary (too used to the lean days to start going mad now!). But there have been digs, and nasty comments, and speculation about how much DH earns (yes, really - as it happens he earns more than she thinks). We have not been on a family holiday since 2014 and I mentioned we hoped to go for a week to France in the summer of 2017 and my friejnd basically just hissed and spat 'well, it's alright for some. But, she goes on several holidays a year- in 2016 she went to Morocco, Paris Vienna, and on a cruise.

I feel sad. But as I commented to DH - WE have not changed, but SHE has.

I have an aunt who is also very similar. To the point that my parents always buy the same make and colour of car when they renew it every few years in order to avoid her jealousy. I think that is mad.

We very badly need a new kitchen. DH had said maybe we don't get one this year because it will look like we are 'showing off'.I have put my foot down about that - he deserves the good salary, and we deserve a new kitchen. This time last year our lives were very different.

[HardLightHologram]

I get this from my mother. I have a lovely dh, we own a large house in quite a posh area, dh earns well enough for me not to work, we have three wonderful kids.

She likes to tear me down at every opportunity, the kids are scruffy, our house is a mess, I'm lazy for not working etc etc. She preferred it when I lived with my abusive ex in a council house. That's my box and I've stepped out of it, and she doesn't like it.

[ethelb]

Lesmacarons you don't sound very nice.

Maybe you would have felt awful if something had gone wrong and you hadn't told him.

But a) that is your problem and
B) sounds a bit like you just wanted to be able to say 'I told you so'.

Expecting others to seek your approval and then withholding it is a form of bullying.

[Usernamegone]

I'm doing ok for myself now married my DH, both have jobs, car, bought a small terraced house, lost weight. I'm noticing some coldness from my 'friends'. Funnily, when I was living in a bedsit, shit job barely scraping by it was fine. I avoid telling them certain things about my life as I don't want to be seen as bragging. It makes me sad as I have always been happy for them when they have got new jobs, found a new man, bought a car, had a baby, etc.

[DistanceCall]

I really dislike it when someone being happy because things are going them for well is described as "smug" and "rubbing it in other people's faces".

Smug is when you DELIBERATELY make an effort to make other people feel bad about their own situations. If your being happy makes other people feel bad about their own lives, then that's their problems, not yours.

[Lesmacarons]

Ethel - I think that is a personal remark. I am very nice - I have never said 'I told you so'. It was his decision. What she did to him in the end was so unforgivable that he had no choice. I was the person who went with him to pick up his stuff and helped him with food and money. He is much happier now - it is not responsible parenting to watch your child suffer without a word from you - no matter what age. I knew it was wrong - not based on prejudice - but on safety grounds and I was right. Being cool with the kids all the time is something my generation could easily fall in to and some do. I don't agree with it.

[Lesmacarons]

There is also a cult out there atm of saying you are 'really, really happy' when you clearly are not. If you are really, really, really happy you don't feel the need to keep telling yourself and other people all the time - like someone clinging on to a rope bridge. 'Really happy, really enjoying this.' Happy selfies, happy group friend posts - and yet 19 stone from comfort eating. It is everywhere.

Happy is partly the result of good decisions, careful planning and security.

[Wolverbamptonwanderer]

I don't know. On the flip side I had a childhood friend who I was extremely close to who happened to be single and in a flat for most of her 20s and 30s. whilst I knew she was quite unhappy and jealous of "everyone else"getting the house and marriage and babies during that time we were still close and had great fun, just because we were friends and that's what they do.

Now she's met someone, had a baby, got married and got a house and she doesn't bother with me at all. In her mind I probably want to see her miserable but that's not it at all- in my mind she doesn't need support or a shoulder to cry on anymore so can't be bothered with me.

Always 2 sides to each story.

[Capricorn76]

Nowt queer as folk.

I've been on the wrong end of this strange sort of jealousy on a few occasions. Sometimes from people I consider very good friends. One friend in particular is quite insecure and I think my financial success and family life bothers her as we came from the same area with similar working class backgrounds. She's great when things arent going well, however, when times have been great the negative comments start. I now hide things from her to avoid the 'alright for some' digs.

I also find that being mixed race with a working class accent causes issues as some people are happy to put me in a certain box but once they find out where I own a house, see the car, ask about my job etc their attitude changes. It's like I'm supposed to be a charity case and they get annoyed when it's clear that I'm more successful than them.

I've also had the weight sabotage thing too with a friend who knew I was trying to lose weight constantly trying to get me to eat crap food. She's tall, slim and beautiful. She's in another league from me and I would never be as thin as her but it was like she had to prevent any remote chance of me being within a dress size of her!