Some people really do prefer it when you're 'down and out''

[CannotEvenDeal]

So after a few tricky years money/family wise (nothing major, just a few bumps in the road) Dh and I are feeling quite content and rather proud this Christmas.

We just started renting a gorgeous 2 bedroom flat in a naice area, we have had his lovely ds living with us full-time for several years (he's truly like a son to me and is very settled) and I bought a bigger (albeit second-hand) car.

It never ceases to amaze me how some people (including family members) can always find fault/problems with everything that we're happy about. It's so dull!

For example:

We love our new flat, we're very excited/Yes but it's rented so not technically yours

Dss has settled in really well and loves his new school, I'm so proud of him/Yes but he's not really yours, when are you going to have one of your own?

Can't believe we got such a good deal on the car, it runs like new!/What's with that mark on the rear passenger seat though?

I'd like to be clear that we are not boastful or showy people. Like I said, we're just content at the moment and proud of ourselves. I've got people who I thought were friends who've not even asked how the new place is, even though I said I was taking a moving day.

However, I think that quite a lot of people preferred it when dh and I had work problems and things were tight/stressful. They had plenty of time to chat pry and ask questions then.

Whilst we're not wealthy -far from it- I do think that being successful shows you who your true friends are.

[bunnylove99]

OP I don't have any great words of wisdom but just wanted to say enjoy your happy family and congratulations on turning things around. Don't let anyone tell you you should be having 'your own' baby. What a crass and hurtful thing for anyone to say!

[lovelearning]

'Cannot looks so happy these days'

The Law of Jante describes a condescending attitude towards individuality and success.

Real friends will be happy for you.

WomanFromAnotherPlace, oracle.

[malificent7]

I had this when my friend came over:

Comments about my house being "just" rented...I love it.
Comments about how she couldn't commute as far as me (I just got a permanent job)
Comments about how it's really bad that dp gets on wel with his ex wife (it's a good thing imo..I could go on.)

I do love her and she is generous in many other ways but definitely felt more comfortable when I was single and unhappy with it.

[Katy07]

Can't believe we got such a good deal on the car, it runs like new!/What's with that mark on the rear passenger seat though?
You should have then replied "Yeah, I know - we were soooo excited at getting the car that we felt the need to celebrate and christian it and well..... who knew that sex stains would be soooo hard to remove!"

[Minivaperviper]

I've had this to an extent where I would be advised to do this and that. Whether I took it or not both was criticised.
I went from single mum on benefits to self employed single mum, self funded learned to drive and made solid friendships that I never had. I'm not loaded at all still low income but I'm independent and happy at least.
Same person shits on all of it and tells me I'm getting above myself. Can't win.

So smile,nod and carry on.

[CannotEvenDeal]

Fwiw I'm not 19 stone and I don't even have a Facebook account

Thank for all of the replies, interesting and eye-opening reading.

[SillySongsWithLarry]

Yup been there. My life has been ripped to shreds when it got good. I left the abusive ExH and bought a flat in the centre of town, got a good full time job and have the children almost full time, remarried the most amazing DH and life couldn't be better. I get so many negative comments it's unreal.

[ShinyMoonFace]

LadyLothian you are right too. I read on MN once that envy is a little signpost telling you what it is you really want. I found that very illuminating and helpful.

[ShinyMoonFace]

My dad calls people who are relentlessly negative 'grey people'. But it does reveal something inside them that is very unhappy, so I do try and feel some compassion.

My oldest friend was in a very very unhappy marriage.... and was really struggling. I had a few bad relationships, then met DH.She was so upset and angry because we were happy that she could not even bring herself to come to our engagement party. Then when we got married she was a bridesmaid and she got drunk, grabbed the mike and gave a speech in which she included the gem; 'I am so happy for Shiny. She has been desperate to get married to anyone who would have her for years'. I was furious, embraassed and mortified. But it just made her look really stupid.

That was a very long time ago now, and she is still married to the same man, but they have had loads of counselling and it is a good marriage now. She is happier, calmer, content, and we are as close as we have ever been. She was bloody miserable and it all came out in an awful way. I am glad we are very close again now - I'd be lost without her.

[Italiangreyhound]

Some people are negative. I hold them at arm's length and I let their comments bounce off me.

But please do not be upset of people forget to ask about your new home or son's school etc. Life is so hectic, maybe we all multi task, we all feel stressed and forget things - birthdays, illness etc etc. Do not let others burst your bubble.

[LadyLothian]

Why would you want your friendship circle to feel like a never ending depressing episode of Eastenders?



Agree so much with this. I do occasionally get envious, but honestly I'm happy when my friends do well. If I'm envious I usually take it as a sign a part of my own life needs more attention.

[gluteustothemaximus]

We had this too OP. Our life was such a struggle, and family had never been happier.

We worked like crazy to turn it around, and have managed to. But, the negativity that came after was horrendous!

New (second hand) car (after 10 years of the old one!) - have you seen the huge scratch down the side?

Holiday booked - after years of not having one (even though they had several every year) - you've picked the worst time to go, it'll be manic, you won't be able to do anything you want, it's a big city, you'll get pickpocketed/mugged - etc etc

Anything new - always met with a barrage of shitty critical comments.

And when you mention it - you're the one who's obviously bragging/showing off!

As luck would have it, our life improved further, as we don't see the negative ones any more!!

Never have they been happiest when I was at my lowest. Same with DH.

I love to hear of good news/happy news/lucky news! I am very happy for you OP, and so glad life is going great

I am so grateful for everything I have, as I know what it's like to have nothing. I tell my children all the time, we're so lucky, we're so lucky (and we're not rich at all).

I don't get others raining on parades. I love good news, and don't begrudge anyone happiness at all, as life can be so so awful.

I wish it was all sunshine and rainbows. But it's not. So when there's a little sunshine to share, it's lovely

[Capricorn76]

@sunshineintherain. You're totally right. I don't compare myself to others either and don't get why some others do. We are all different people. A pair of twins lives could turn out completely differently based on decision making and luck. It's ridiculous to look at someone else and think 'that's not fair, why has X got this and I don't?' Or try and console/convince yourself that they must have these things because they are in debt or their parents gave it to them etc.

Just live your life as best you can and stop using others as a yardstic.

I genuinely love it when my friends do well although I hate boasting but luckily they don't do that. Why would you want your friendship circle to feel like a never ending depressing episode of Easternders?

[LadyLothian]

Sunshine sorry to hear you have a chronic pain condition too

I lost friends too at the start of the illness, but the friends who liked it more when I was struggling are still in my life. They're not bad people, they just likened the positive comparison. Like I said, I believe they're unaware of the things they've said and done and they'd be horrified if I pointed it out. They have other good points I appreciate.

[LadyLothian]

It's interesting what previous posters are saying about gratitude and blessings. My mother was big on reminding us all to be grateful for what we had on a daily basis. If you got a wonky knitted Christmas jumper in mustard from a relative you could laugh about it good naturedly afterwards. If you seriously complained you were told to be appreciative of the time, the effort, and how lucky we were to have warm clothes. Every cold night she would say how lucky we all were to be in a warm house and not homeless.

I hadn't thought about until this thread, but maybe that taught me that you don't have to have a perfect life to be content.

[SunshineInTheRain]

Lady when I read your post I wondered what clopy said about her no longer needing the support and the friendships not evolving into more? I have long term pain conditions and while without a doubt real friends have been there through the good and bad I have found that I lost friends when life was tough for me and I couldn't help them, as well as some friendly work colleges who I guess I thought of as friends somewhat dropping off once life was going better for me, in hindsight I guess they were being sympathetic and supportive when things were tough out of kindness more than a solid friendship developing. Could some of your friends have been similar? Moved on now they are confident you are fine.

The other thing I found happened along time ago, as a teen, was explained to me by a different friend a while back. I'm somewhat non competitive and don't tend to notice when others are jealous of me, I don't really get jealousy or comparing yourself to others (I had a really abusive childhood, I allways felt so different to everyone the idea if comparing myself to people is a really uncomfortable one). But I'm fairly naturally pretty, as a teen I looked older than I was, got alot of attension from boys (that I wasn't good at dealing with due to the abuse). One friend in particular was a bit younger, plainer, less developed. She also didn't do as well at school as me, despite her private education, and didn't horse ride as well as me, despite the very expensive lessons. To me she had a wonderful loving family and a great life, so I didn't twig she was jealous of my miserable life. As we grew up she developed a bit, learned how to do hair/make up better & bought expensive clothes. She worked hard at school and did better than she had been an did well at internships and get into the uni she wanted. I didn't care much about any of these types of things in my own life, struggled through therapy, stopped riding because of disability, picked the nearest uni despite getting into several decent ones. And suddenly I found her really smug and superior, commenting on my cheap clothes and bragging about expensive make up and clothing. I eventually stopped speaking to her after she moaned on about how bad her back was (I have hmjs & chronic pain) and how she was so broke she had to put her ballgown on her parents credit card (I put myself through uni, and my credit card I paid was for food to live on). I thought she was being an obnoxious entitled brat. A mutual friend later pointed out years later that she had been jealous all those years and now wanted to Lord it over me that she was the better one now. (Mutual friend is no longer my friend either because she genuinely considers people better than others, another thing it took me a while to realise).

Although, generally I think you have a point op, that some people like other to be beneath them. I just don't get the comparison thing in general.

[LadyLothian]

I think if someone begrudges you doing well it says more about them and their insecurities and unhappiness than it does about you. Although it is worth running a mental check every now and again in case you've been accidentally insensitive - sometimes it might be you!

I think envy is fine. Sometimes when my friends had something I didn't have (like a career, properly moving limbs ) I would and do feel envious. But I want that thing too so we both have it, I don't want the person to do without it so I feel better about myself.

[RebelandaStunner]

Basically you have re-lit your fire.
They would like to put it out.

Jealousy pure and simple.

[Capricorn76]

Nowt queer as folk.

I've been on the wrong end of this strange sort of jealousy on a few occasions. Sometimes from people I consider very good friends. One friend in particular is quite insecure and I think my financial success and family life bothers her as we came from the same area with similar working class backgrounds. She's great when things arent going well, however, when times have been great the negative comments start. I now hide things from her to avoid the 'alright for some' digs.

I also find that being mixed race with a working class accent causes issues as some people are happy to put me in a certain box but once they find out where I own a house, see the car, ask about my job etc their attitude changes. It's like I'm supposed to be a charity case and they get annoyed when it's clear that I'm more successful than them.

I've also had the weight sabotage thing too with a friend who knew I was trying to lose weight constantly trying to get me to eat crap food. She's tall, slim and beautiful. She's in another league from me and I would never be as thin as her but it was like she had to prevent any remote chance of me being within a dress size of her!

[Wolverbamptonwanderer]

I don't know. On the flip side I had a childhood friend who I was extremely close to who happened to be single and in a flat for most of her 20s and 30s. whilst I knew she was quite unhappy and jealous of "everyone else"getting the house and marriage and babies during that time we were still close and had great fun, just because we were friends and that's what they do.

Now she's met someone, had a baby, got married and got a house and she doesn't bother with me at all. In her mind I probably want to see her miserable but that's not it at all- in my mind she doesn't need support or a shoulder to cry on anymore so can't be bothered with me.

Always 2 sides to each story.

[Lesmacarons]

There is also a cult out there atm of saying you are 'really, really happy' when you clearly are not. If you are really, really, really happy you don't feel the need to keep telling yourself and other people all the time - like someone clinging on to a rope bridge. 'Really happy, really enjoying this.' Happy selfies, happy group friend posts - and yet 19 stone from comfort eating. It is everywhere.

Happy is partly the result of good decisions, careful planning and security.

[Lesmacarons]

Ethel - I think that is a personal remark. I am very nice - I have never said 'I told you so'. It was his decision. What she did to him in the end was so unforgivable that he had no choice. I was the person who went with him to pick up his stuff and helped him with food and money. He is much happier now - it is not responsible parenting to watch your child suffer without a word from you - no matter what age. I knew it was wrong - not based on prejudice - but on safety grounds and I was right. Being cool with the kids all the time is something my generation could easily fall in to and some do. I don't agree with it.

[DistanceCall]

I really dislike it when someone being happy because things are going them for well is described as "smug" and "rubbing it in other people's faces".

Smug is when you DELIBERATELY make an effort to make other people feel bad about their own situations. If your being happy makes other people feel bad about their own lives, then that's their problems, not yours.

[Usernamegone]

I'm doing ok for myself now married my DH, both have jobs, car, bought a small terraced house, lost weight. I'm noticing some coldness from my 'friends'. Funnily, when I was living in a bedsit, shit job barely scraping by it was fine. I avoid telling them certain things about my life as I don't want to be seen as bragging. It makes me sad as I have always been happy for them when they have got new jobs, found a new man, bought a car, had a baby, etc.

[ethelb]

Lesmacarons you don't sound very nice.

Maybe you would have felt awful if something had gone wrong and you hadn't told him.

But a) that is your problem and
B) sounds a bit like you just wanted to be able to say 'I told you so'.

Expecting others to seek your approval and then withholding it is a form of bullying.