To not make my Dad his Christmas Dinner again...

[WiddlinDiddlin]

I'll try and get all the backstory in here...

So my sister and I live close to one another (same estate) and our elderly father lives about 5 miles away in a naice big house.

He is a grumpy fucker and frankly, enjoys being that way and believes being 75 gives him licence to be a shit.

He enjoys trying to divide my sister and I, who have a fairly firey relationship but we can get on and work together well most of the time.

To give you an idea of his sense of humour, he likes to pick on someones weaknesses as he thinks thats funny and that everyone else will join in with him laughing at their discomfort, so an example of that..

I gave him a box of chocolates, small box, hand made with 'MINE!' written on it as he loves to pointedly not share.

I am very overweight (something he's bullied me about for years), I am also diabetic and so I don't eat chocolate anyway and its been a long long time since I gave a shit..

So he gets his present, opens it, ooh goody chocolates.. and then offers everyone else a chocolate but makes a huge point of saying EVERYONE CAN HAVE ONE BUT NOTWiddlinDiddlin, YOU AREN'T ALLOWED BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT BITCH...

Oh how we laugh, hilarious. He genuinely does not notice that no one else thinks its funny - never has.

Anyway back to the point - each year for the last 4 or 5 years, my sister and I have split the cooking of the christmas dinner between us, and its either been hosted at her house or his.
He pays 50% of the cost and we pay the rest between us (based on his suggestion as he is frankly, minted and we aren't).

Every year he is determined to point out exactly what we have done wrong - the meat isn't cooked right, the yorkshire puddings are wrong, the gravy isn't right.

This year between us we really pulled out the stops, 3 course feast - home made pork and chorizo pinwheels, selection of crispy chinese party starters, melba toasts, pate, cheese... and then the main, the beef was perfectly pink in the middle, there was cauliflower cheese, roasted new potatoes, sprouts, parsnips, carrots, chipolatas, proper gravy, yorkshire puddings...

Followed by a giant lemon and passionfruit pavlova, and mini mince pies and cream.

All of this cooked to at least 'good pub grub' standard as well (we are both pretty decent cooks!)

He stuffed himself with starters then declared he wasn't impressed with any of them (but ate at least three of each thing)..

He bitched constantly that there was too much food (for five of us) despite us pointing out that we all like left overs and had plans for it all.

Every slightly positive comment HAD to be followed up with a complaint.. for example..

"I suppose the potatos are quite nice.... but its not as good as the pub dinner we had in the week' (pub dinner was an overpriced dried up mess which HE had bitched about at the time!)..

Or

"Thankyou for getting the sprouts I do like sprouts... but this gravy isn't as good as I make..' (the gravy was made from the meat juices and topped up with bisto.. whereas his gravy is JUST bisto and hot water..)..

Or..

"Thankyou for coming and re-dressing my wrist, but you've been here all bloody day now...! (he has had carpal tunnel surgery two days ago and then took the bloody dressing off after being told not to, so demanded I came round 4 hours earlier than planned to put it back on!)..

Then I brought out the pavlova, a dessert I make ONCE a year because frankly, I am diabetic and can have the TINIEST bloody sliver, and I made it because HE asked for it...

"Oooh tahts DISGUSTING... thats far too big, far too sweet, its gross, its no wonder you are as fat as you are you disgusting pig"

So I said its ok he doesn't have to have any, left overs were being split between me, sister and a guest of sisters (yes all this is in front of a guest!)..

Put it on the table and ask who wants ready to start cutting up and he comes over and leans over it, picking the crispy bits off the top (i do a double decker one!) with his FILTHY hands all bloody over it, and I ask him not to as he's got his hands over everyone elses food and he just laughs and says its his house he can do what he wants...

At that point I started to get a bit sharp and pointed out we could all just go home if he wanted to carry on like that so he shut up..

And then ate two huge portions, demanded a third to go in his fridge whilst berating me for being fat and idle (he has forgotten I am disabled, as thats not convenient for him to remember when he wants to have a pop at someone!)... and banging on about how disgusting such a pudding is...

Then we all buggered off at half 9 as I was fed up of the old bastard (who had sat on his arse all day, been ferried to the pub by my sister, collected from the pub by my OH, fed by us, washing up done by us, left overs divvied up and sorted out by us) and he has the cheek to say 'oh are you going to leave me on my own now?'...

I know he is a lonely old bastard but he is a controlling manipulative fucker as well (which is why he isn't invited to anyone ELSES christmas dinners and doesn't have many friends!)

Opening presents... we don't have a lot to open all being adults but we had to ask him three times to sit down and 'do' presents and he takes HUGE delight in refusing to open his and then when he DOES open them, he bitches about what he's got (if you don't get anything for him though he will bitch about that too!).

I said to my sister afterwards I am NOT spending two days cooking, running around after the old git to be put down, torn apart and generally unappreciated the whole time he can have a fucking Waitrose ready meal dinner and like it next year.

She said..
"Oh well at least he didn't throw a plate at me like he did last year!"

I fully intend to do our own thing next year but I bet by that time my sister will try and make me feel like im being a bitch for not wanting to go through this again.

[babychamcherryb]

Ugh what a disgusting man. Why don't you and your sister and your partners and guests have Christmas dinner without him? Surely it would be a much nicer meal without someone touching the food with filthy scabby hands and calling you a fat bitch?

[Bogeyface]

Your sister is deep in the FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt, so I suggest that between now and next year you encourage her to get counselling to find out why the hell she puts up with this shit.

And book something for yourself and OH so that you cant back down even if you find yourself wavering....

[KC225]

Next year take the money for his portion of the Christmas dinner and book him a table in the local pub/carvery that serves Christmas dinner and pay for a taxi each way. That way, he is not on his own you get a civil Christmas day. It's outrageous he would speak to his daughters like that. Do not let him continue. He sounds vile.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Willow - he has always been inclined towards making personal remarks to both of us, more so me because I am fat and he is VERY anti-fat.

He laid off it about 9 years ago when it turned out im not an idle sod i am actuall disabled and have a serious heart problem and connective tissue disorder and THAT is why everything hurts, I can't exercise and got fat (and now really can't shift it)...

No one laughs, its like tumbleweeds when he comes out with something nasty like that, but he really doesn't notice, he thinks he is funny and he thinks if its hurtful then it will motivate whoever he is picking on to do something about it.

On occasion friends of his who have known him a long time have actually said 'WD'S dad that is a horrid thing to say' or 'WD'S dad.. thats nasty!' and he just mutters to himself and then crashes on with the next thing and ignores it.

It did used to REALLY get to me and really upset me - I have far far more confidence and self esteem now and I do see it for what it is, him being a twat, nowt to do with me... but fuck me its annoying to work hard at something and do a good job and not have it appreciated!

[mrsgregorypeck]

I think this is probably a time of year when people think enough. Just enough. I posted on another thread about my father and how he can never never be pleased. Or even interested in anything which does not impinge directly upon him.

It's very therapeutic to think that enough is enough. This is the last time I will entertain him in my house. If he ever feels lonely then perhaps, just perhaps, he will reflect upon how he brought it upon himself.

[Benedikte2]

This is a toxic relationship and if it were me I'd go nc. He is never going to change and his behaviour is unspeakable

[1horatio]

He sounds awful.

YANBU

Protect yourself. He sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative.

[yellowfrog]

My god, what a bloody bastard! I would tell him to stuff it frankly. On a lighter note, if you ever need an appreciative audience for your clearly fab cooking skills, I am available at the drop of a hat! I eat anything and will thank you copiously, as you deserve :)

[MrsSippy]

Fucking hell notrocket, that's a bit strong!

[notrocketscience]

Slightly tongue in cheek MrsSippy!

[RandomMess]

Be generous next year and drop him off a hamper including a microwave meal for the day itself. If you do spend time in his company again just leave at the first unpleasant comment.

[coconutpie]

No wonder he acts like this - you and sister both reward his disgusting behaviour! No contact. Just because he's your dad, doesn't mean you have to put up with being emotionally abused.

[Cherrysoup]

Nasty wanker. I fail to see why you tolerate this, and yes, you enable it. I'd be picking him up on every single fucking comment whilst I threw him out for the first nasty one. He's abusive, plain and simple and you let him. Stop.

[WiddlinDiddlin]

Cheers folks I am cheered up and empowered! Or summat.

I really like the idea of questioning, when he has a pop at me 'why do you need to say nasty things like that' etc etc..

Next time I speak to him I am going to tell him I won't be doing the christmas thing again - he will undoubtedly tell me its ok as he won't live til next christmas anyway (he is always saying this, he's going to die next week, and has been for the last five years) but I am going to make it clear why I won't be doing it again and why we buggered off at 9 and didn't spend the rest of the evening with him.

Feel better now - why can't people just be bloody nice to one another! goes to fuss dogs