Time alone without baby - how can I defend cousin?

[Babyhiccups]

Me and DH are currently up staying with his family. I am eight months pregnant with my first child so have limited understanding of how difficult it is having a baby.

MIL and SIL were talking about their niece/cousin today (who I like and get on well with) who was having a day to herself, hair cut, massage, nice lunch etc... whilst her DH looked after their two year old.

Both were commenting that it was never done in their day - 'I don't get this need for time away from your child, I never needed it, I loved being with my kids' etc...

Now I'm all for DH spending time alone with DC when it arrives and I think time alone/time for fathers to bond is so important. But I got shouted down because of course I'll feel differently once the baby is here. I don't think I am wrong, but wanted views from people on here around how I can defend my cousin (albeit in law) for wanting and needing a break!

[diddl]

They sound rude for shouting at you, but I just wouldn't get involved in such discussions.

It's not their business what anyone else does as long as a child isn't being hurt!

[honeylulu]

My mum says stuff like that but I can remember from my childhood how often she snapped at us or complained that she never had time to herself/felt like a skivvy etc.
Some people have short memories or are maybe just jealous.

[Anniegetyourgun]

No time away from parenting duties for two years is a cruel and unusual punishment IMO, however adorable the child. But anyway, I bet if she'd dumped the sprog on a female babysitter there'd be a lot less said.

[JuniDD]

I'd also wonder if there are some other issues at play where they don't like the cousin and just want something to have a mutual bitch about.

I'd also concur with DeadGood's point that people used to leave the babies screaming in the garden/at night etc and parenting (for some) was a bit less full on. My mum is very clear that once the bedroom door shut at 7pm she wasn't doing anything until 7am the next day which is RATHER different to how I do things...

[SilentBatperson]

You'll find people have an annoying tendency to block out the worst bits of parenting. It's good in a way because if everyone really remembered, nobody would ever have more than one and the human race would die out. The downside is that most people are much better parents when they've forgotten what it was like than they were when they were actually doing it, and it's fucking annoying.

[rollmeover]

Bloody hell, a two year old having time with her father? Whatever next a female prime minister?!
They'd really love me, DH took the kids to the zoo for the day on Sat because I had the hangover from hell after a night out with other SAHMs. Shoot me now! (Well actually I would have been pretty grateful if you'd shot me on Saturday. A 37 year old woman should not need to know that shots are a baaaaad idea at 1am after several bottles of fizz, white and red....)

[MistresssIggi]

My dm definitely put me down to sleep for the night and left me - by 2, absolutely, so she got a decent evening, whereas I have been in and out of rooms and then cosleeping. Neighbourhood children used to take the baby in the pram out for a walk, that's when they weren't at the end of the garden for the fresh air.
Perhaps you should rep,y that you wouldn't dream of keeping a father apart from his little one even though you would miss them every minute you were apart. Seriously though you will find these judgements harder with a newborn than you do now, start standing up to them.

[Whatsername17]

You need to laugh and tell them you are glad it's not the 1950's anymore.

[bunnylove99]

I think it sounds like sour grapes on their part. Possibly your Mil and SIL never got/ took the opportunity to escape for a bit. Personally I feel a bit of time to yourself as a mum of young children does everyone a power of good. Enjoy your baby when he/she arrives and don't ever feel guilty to get some time to yourself. You will need it and deserve it. A tip might be to try and ensure DHS family don't get over involved in it all!

[diddl]

I suppose if he was minding his child so that she could get on with housework/cooking then it would have been acceptable!

[DeepanKrispanEven]

How old is SIL, FFS, if she was saying it was never done in her day? For sure it was done in my day, and I'm pretty ancient!

[sarahnova69]

I swear people have something than happens to them whereby they simply forget about the reality of looking after a small child: so they are inventing in retrospect a world where they were 'loving every minute'.

^this. My mother looked after my newborn overnight and, having raised 6 of us, had blatantly forgotten just how much newborns cry and how much work they are. She was 2 steps from calling a doctor (over an entirely normal night with a 6wo).

Your MIL and SIL are living in a fantasy world. Smile and ignore.

[ConvincingLiar]

I wouldn't bother trying to persuade them out of it. See this as a positive though, forewarned is forearmed:

1. Cousin might be a sensible person for advice/support post baby
   
2. Mil/sil are not to be trusted with details of how you run your family.
   

I left my baby for a day (with a lunch time feed) when 2 months old and went back to work at 6 months old (4/7 days). I was happy, baby was happy, DH was happy.

[Lazyafternoon]

Every one and every situation is different. Things do change when baby arrives and you will be surprised at how you feel. But you can't PREDICT how you'll feel. There's no right or wrong (within some obvious boundaries!) so YANBU to defend your cousin.

Things are very difficult to my parents generation. For the better. There's freedom of choice. For my mum leaving us with dad for a whole day to get pampered was not an option for her. Dad only learnt to change a nappy with his 4th, and only when she was 1 year old and mum had to go into hospital overnight!!! That sort of parenting isn't as acceptable now and dad's are expected to be hands on and mum's to have 'me' time.

Some mums are ready for 'me' time earlier than others. It's not something to judge. So many things to consider.

Considering most working mums are back at work before their children are 1 year old, getting used to leaving your child is actually quite an important thing to get used to - for both you and the child. I found it really really hard at 11 months, other mums ready at 6 months. But also going out and doing something that makes you feel good about yourself (seeing friends, getting pampered, going to gym, just spending quiet time alone etc) makes you feel happier and more confident, which improves the way you feel and helps make you a great mum!

But whether it's at two weeks or two years you feel ready for leaving your child its up to you to do what feels right and ignore everyone else.

[SpaghettiMeatballs]

Are we related OP? That is exactly the sort of clap trap my MIL comes out with before moving onto what a shame it is i have to work.

[BackforGood]

It's perfectly normal. I'm not sure when "their day" was, but my Dad would take us all off to football with him back in the 1960s to give my Mum 5 mins peace - so I'm not sure quite how old your MiL and SiL must be
Very, very, very important to make sure you have some time in your life when you are just 'Babyhiccups' and not 'nameofyour baby'sMum'. Doesn't matter how that works for you as a couple - if you want to go to a class or meet a friend for lunch or go for a run or join a choir or whatever. It's important for your sanity.

What you also must do is develop a bit of a thick skin. The world and his wife will have an opinion on everything to do with being a parent / bringing up dc. You will see, if you read MN, most things split opinion. That is fine. You just learn to develop a few stock answers about how good it is that we are all free to do things differently, and smile, and not let it bother you.

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

Christ, I was bored silly being at home with a baby. I couldn't wait to get back to work 3 months after the birth. It doesn't mean I don't love him very much, I'm just not hugely maternal in the way that lots of women seem to be.

[ohlalalalalalalala]

i live for stolen time without my 2 kids! ive been known to go sit in tesco's carpark for an hour.. in silence lol!! YANBU, they are... and very judgey. ass holes!

[FourKidsNotCrazyYet]

Everyone feels differently. I'm a SAHM and have never wanted time away from the kids. I realise I have 'issues' and they're my safety net. My problem, not theirs but I have many friends who do need time away and that's fine too. No ones right and no ones wrong. The only person wrong is the person that judges others. Walk a mile in their shoes and all that. Congratulations and I wish you all the best

[eeyore2]

Sorry but it sounds like they are definitely going to gossip and be judgemental about you. It's good you found out about it now and not in the stressful early days of being a new mum so you can get used to the idea. If it helps - the vast majority of modern women would find their attitude ridiculous! Don't let their outdated views stop you from running your family life in a way that works for you and your husband.

[Footinmouthasusual]

They sound well odd.

No parent I know in my 26 years of being one doesn't enjoy time away from their children especially a 2 year old for a few hours.

I have my grandson 2 days while my dil is on maternity leave to give her a break and me a munch of my dgs.

How weirdly cloying and twee they sound.

[Footinmouthasusual]

And the vast majority of modern women would find their attitude ridiculous is true but I think never at any time in parenting have we been so hands on with our kids and child centeted so drop the modern word.

[Notso]

If DH went to PIL's with the children and said I was having 'me time' or 'time to myself' there would be eyebrows raised.
If he went to PIL's with the children and said I was having my hair cut/meeting friends for lunch/getting nails done etc they wouldn't bat an eyelid.

[Love51]

My mum is in her mid 60s and was 1 of 5 children. She remembers her dad and his brother taking their children to walk up a big hill most weekends so the mums could have some peace. That's just a cheaper version.
My own dad looked at me like id had a revelation when I sent the kids to childcare when I wasn't working. I was off sick! I have since done it just for fun! I think it felt instinctively 'wrong' to him, but when he stopped to think it was sensible.
Have a chat with dh about expectations ahead of time, and keep talking. Ignore mil. Not worth the energy.

[ZuzaPa]

Yes and in their day they probably did cio & put rusks in formula, to fill them up like!

I think this is a very good time to prepare yourself to completely ignore everything they are going to say... I found it really hard that absolutely everyone needed to tell me their take on raising a baby, everyone is just dying to give their opinion as gospel, learn the nod & smile & go with whatever suits you best. I think if anyone has an opportunity to have a few baby free hours its so important to take it with both hands. They sound like they just like to judge, so they'll always find something. Thats bitterness really.