Time alone without baby - how can I defend cousin?

[Babyhiccups]

Me and DH are currently up staying with his family. I am eight months pregnant with my first child so have limited understanding of how difficult it is having a baby.

MIL and SIL were talking about their niece/cousin today (who I like and get on well with) who was having a day to herself, hair cut, massage, nice lunch etc... whilst her DH looked after their two year old.

Both were commenting that it was never done in their day - 'I don't get this need for time away from your child, I never needed it, I loved being with my kids' etc...

Now I'm all for DH spending time alone with DC when it arrives and I think time alone/time for fathers to bond is so important. But I got shouted down because of course I'll feel differently once the baby is here. I don't think I am wrong, but wanted views from people on here around how I can defend my cousin (albeit in law) for wanting and needing a break!

[RattieOfCatan]

What twats. Let them gossip about you. I have a 5wo. She is breastfed so I can't leave her for long but I'm so looking forward to having me time! My mum is going to take her for an hour between feeds next week so that DH and I can just go for a short walk to get out of the house together. DH takes her on a Saturday morning at 6 so that I can sleep for an extra couple of hours. As soon as baby lets me I'll be going swimming once or twice a week. DH is looking forward to get being less dependant on me so that he can take her out for an hour or two as well. Fuck what anybody else thinks, personal space and you time is important. As is dad and child time!

Like dead said, 20-30 years ago letting a baby cry it out was positively encouraged, parenting is very different now and people are stupid to not believe that. And dad's are encouraged/expected to be more involved, which is also great as it seems that society has finally realised that there are two parents!

deblet I'm already getting that from MIL. DH is so good to take baby for a couple of hours on a weekend morning for me but nothing about how good I am for caring for baby when he's at the gym

[Chattycat78]

Agree with everything being said. You NEED time off sometimes with young children - you'd go mental otherwise! I've got a toddler and a 6 month old and I've just got to the point now where I can leave the 6 month old with daddy for the afternoon occasionally - I really look forward to those times off! Ignore anyone who makes u feel guilty. Early parenting is so intense, and anyone who wonders why you need time off clearly has forgotten how intense it actually is. Most days, I can barely get to the loo when I want.

Also, i would recommend introducing baby to a Bottle early if u can (if planning to breastfeed) so u can make sure you do get a break.

[CherryChasingDotMuncher]

Next time tell them that no one gets a pat on the back for being a mummy martyr and it's pure sexist drivel to say women don't need time away from their kids. They sound horribly judgmental, if I were you OP aid have this in the back of my mind after your DC arrives!

I commit the cardinal sin of having a day off every 5 or 6 weeks when 3yo DD is in nursery and I do absolutely sod all. I don't clean, or do chores, I watch bad movies and slob about on the couch, or go shopping without a toddler to distract me. I once bumped into an old friend on one of these days off who asked where DD was (which is annoying in itself as DH never gets asked this) and I said she's at nursery I'm having a day off. She looked horrified and said "oh I couldn't do that, I'd feel far too guilty" why?! And what about?!

I for onerefuse to feel guilty, time alone makes me a better mum and I have a bloody lovely day! I can highly recommend it

[annandale]

As other posters have said, now's the time to get used to the fact that everyone is a critic when it comes to parenthood. Also, newsflash - there will be times when you decide to do something, and something goes wrong, or you decide in retrospect that you wish you'd done it a different way. This is how you learn things, and is equally likely to happen when you do something that your MIL approves of as it does when you do something your MIL disapproves of.

[Caterina99]

Just give up now OP. If cousin can't leave their 2 year old with their own parent for a few hours without disapproval then your MIL is clearly crazy (or hates cousin). I don't know a single person who wouldn't do this. Its normal. It's not like she's going away for months! (Which would be fine if all parties were happy)

I just left my 18 month old with DH for a long weekend away. I'm a sahm and I think it did DH good to see he could manage perfectly fine. They had a whale of a time! Maybe people judged me but I don't care. Just ignore MIL

[ZuzaPa]

Yes and in their day they probably did cio & put rusks in formula, to fill them up like!

I think this is a very good time to prepare yourself to completely ignore everything they are going to say... I found it really hard that absolutely everyone needed to tell me their take on raising a baby, everyone is just dying to give their opinion as gospel, learn the nod & smile & go with whatever suits you best. I think if anyone has an opportunity to have a few baby free hours its so important to take it with both hands. They sound like they just like to judge, so they'll always find something. Thats bitterness really.

[Love51]

My mum is in her mid 60s and was 1 of 5 children. She remembers her dad and his brother taking their children to walk up a big hill most weekends so the mums could have some peace. That's just a cheaper version.
My own dad looked at me like id had a revelation when I sent the kids to childcare when I wasn't working. I was off sick! I have since done it just for fun! I think it felt instinctively 'wrong' to him, but when he stopped to think it was sensible.
Have a chat with dh about expectations ahead of time, and keep talking. Ignore mil. Not worth the energy.

[Notso]

If DH went to PIL's with the children and said I was having 'me time' or 'time to myself' there would be eyebrows raised.
If he went to PIL's with the children and said I was having my hair cut/meeting friends for lunch/getting nails done etc they wouldn't bat an eyelid.

[Footinmouthasusual]

And the vast majority of modern women would find their attitude ridiculous is true but I think never at any time in parenting have we been so hands on with our kids and child centeted so drop the modern word.

[Footinmouthasusual]

They sound well odd.

No parent I know in my 26 years of being one doesn't enjoy time away from their children especially a 2 year old for a few hours.

I have my grandson 2 days while my dil is on maternity leave to give her a break and me a munch of my dgs.

How weirdly cloying and twee they sound.

[eeyore2]

Sorry but it sounds like they are definitely going to gossip and be judgemental about you. It's good you found out about it now and not in the stressful early days of being a new mum so you can get used to the idea. If it helps - the vast majority of modern women would find their attitude ridiculous! Don't let their outdated views stop you from running your family life in a way that works for you and your husband.

[FourKidsNotCrazyYet]

Everyone feels differently. I'm a SAHM and have never wanted time away from the kids. I realise I have 'issues' and they're my safety net. My problem, not theirs but I have many friends who do need time away and that's fine too. No ones right and no ones wrong. The only person wrong is the person that judges others. Walk a mile in their shoes and all that. Congratulations and I wish you all the best

[ohlalalalalalalala]

i live for stolen time without my 2 kids! ive been known to go sit in tesco's carpark for an hour.. in silence lol!! YANBU, they are... and very judgey. ass holes!

[AndNoneForGretchenWieners]

Christ, I was bored silly being at home with a baby. I couldn't wait to get back to work 3 months after the birth. It doesn't mean I don't love him very much, I'm just not hugely maternal in the way that lots of women seem to be.

[BackforGood]

It's perfectly normal. I'm not sure when "their day" was, but my Dad would take us all off to football with him back in the 1960s to give my Mum 5 mins peace - so I'm not sure quite how old your MiL and SiL must be
Very, very, very important to make sure you have some time in your life when you are just 'Babyhiccups' and not 'nameofyour baby'sMum'. Doesn't matter how that works for you as a couple - if you want to go to a class or meet a friend for lunch or go for a run or join a choir or whatever. It's important for your sanity.

What you also must do is develop a bit of a thick skin. The world and his wife will have an opinion on everything to do with being a parent / bringing up dc. You will see, if you read MN, most things split opinion. That is fine. You just learn to develop a few stock answers about how good it is that we are all free to do things differently, and smile, and not let it bother you.

[SpaghettiMeatballs]

Are we related OP? That is exactly the sort of clap trap my MIL comes out with before moving onto what a shame it is i have to work.

[Lazyafternoon]

Every one and every situation is different. Things do change when baby arrives and you will be surprised at how you feel. But you can't PREDICT how you'll feel. There's no right or wrong (within some obvious boundaries!) so YANBU to defend your cousin.

Things are very difficult to my parents generation. For the better. There's freedom of choice. For my mum leaving us with dad for a whole day to get pampered was not an option for her. Dad only learnt to change a nappy with his 4th, and only when she was 1 year old and mum had to go into hospital overnight!!! That sort of parenting isn't as acceptable now and dad's are expected to be hands on and mum's to have 'me' time.

Some mums are ready for 'me' time earlier than others. It's not something to judge. So many things to consider.

Considering most working mums are back at work before their children are 1 year old, getting used to leaving your child is actually quite an important thing to get used to - for both you and the child. I found it really really hard at 11 months, other mums ready at 6 months. But also going out and doing something that makes you feel good about yourself (seeing friends, getting pampered, going to gym, just spending quiet time alone etc) makes you feel happier and more confident, which improves the way you feel and helps make you a great mum!

But whether it's at two weeks or two years you feel ready for leaving your child its up to you to do what feels right and ignore everyone else.

[ConvincingLiar]

I wouldn't bother trying to persuade them out of it. See this as a positive though, forewarned is forearmed:

1. Cousin might be a sensible person for advice/support post baby
   
2. Mil/sil are not to be trusted with details of how you run your family.
   

I left my baby for a day (with a lunch time feed) when 2 months old and went back to work at 6 months old (4/7 days). I was happy, baby was happy, DH was happy.

[sarahnova69]

I swear people have something than happens to them whereby they simply forget about the reality of looking after a small child: so they are inventing in retrospect a world where they were 'loving every minute'.

^this. My mother looked after my newborn overnight and, having raised 6 of us, had blatantly forgotten just how much newborns cry and how much work they are. She was 2 steps from calling a doctor (over an entirely normal night with a 6wo).

Your MIL and SIL are living in a fantasy world. Smile and ignore.

[DeepanKrispanEven]

How old is SIL, FFS, if she was saying it was never done in her day? For sure it was done in my day, and I'm pretty ancient!

[diddl]

I suppose if he was minding his child so that she could get on with housework/cooking then it would have been acceptable!

[bunnylove99]

I think it sounds like sour grapes on their part. Possibly your Mil and SIL never got/ took the opportunity to escape for a bit. Personally I feel a bit of time to yourself as a mum of young children does everyone a power of good. Enjoy your baby when he/she arrives and don't ever feel guilty to get some time to yourself. You will need it and deserve it. A tip might be to try and ensure DHS family don't get over involved in it all!

[Whatsername17]

You need to laugh and tell them you are glad it's not the 1950's anymore.

[MistresssIggi]

My dm definitely put me down to sleep for the night and left me - by 2, absolutely, so she got a decent evening, whereas I have been in and out of rooms and then cosleeping. Neighbourhood children used to take the baby in the pram out for a walk, that's when they weren't at the end of the garden for the fresh air.
Perhaps you should rep,y that you wouldn't dream of keeping a father apart from his little one even though you would miss them every minute you were apart. Seriously though you will find these judgements harder with a newborn than you do now, start standing up to them.

[rollmeover]

Bloody hell, a two year old having time with her father? Whatever next a female prime minister?!
They'd really love me, DH took the kids to the zoo for the day on Sat because I had the hangover from hell after a night out with other SAHMs. Shoot me now! (Well actually I would have been pretty grateful if you'd shot me on Saturday. A 37 year old woman should not need to know that shots are a baaaaad idea at 1am after several bottles of fizz, white and red....)