Moral dilemma - WWYD and AIBU to just say sod its.

[rabbit12345]

Back story. Fell out with sister who I was very close to in summer (have spoken about this before) she has stopped contact. I did everything to try and resolve it but she was too angry to want to resolve. I used to do a lot for my sister. I helped her out several times financially and physically. It hurt so much that she wanted to hang onto the one time I couldn't be there for her instead of realising all the times I was there at the drop of the hat.
For context I work full time, attend college and have 5dc so it was simply a situation that slipped my mind and nothing sinister in my part.

Because of this I have resolved to treat as treated.

I also have a brother who lives with my parents 35 years old. My brother is fine but makes no effort with us at all. He only visits our house if he comes with parents and it is the only way he will be fed. I was recently very ill and in hospital and didn't get so much as a text from him. I have had one text from him in 2 years and that was because he needed something. I get on with him fine when I visit my parents but that is the only time I have contact. It's not something I can approach him with as he is very sensitive and like Sister will result in a huge argument.

It is very much expected from parents that he be considered in everything. For example if my parents come to mine and we offer them a meal, they will say no because Db will be wanting dinner. Christmas they will not visit as Db does not want to and they will not leave him alone for an hour.

So here's the dillema. I "feel" like I want to say enough is enough. I have already decided not to go visiting and I am considering not even bothering getting my brother a present (this will not go down well) when he cannot even send a card or a text wishing us a merry Christmas. However my nature is telling me that I am being a huge bitch as he hasn't actually "done" anything nasty he just doesn't seem to care.

I am fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable in light of my argument with my sister and that I am taking it out on brother. I promise I am not doing that. I am just evaluating the relationships in my life and self preserving myself.

WWYD?

[rabbit12345]

Thumb. Yes sorry that is what I meant.

[DeepanKrispanEven]

But why do your parents think you should give your brother presents when he doesn't give them to you? It's just weird.

[S1lentAllTheseYears]

If your brother doesn't have any special needs and is just mollycoddled to within an inch of his life, then you would not be at all unreasonable to just say to him, next time you see him, how about you stop 'exchanging' presents. He can hardly disagree with that and probably isn't really bothered anyway. Then you can tell your parents that you and brother have agreed no more presents.

I don't think I'd want to fall out with them but wouldn't be making too much effort either.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

And (sorry, had to go and deal with feral children) I agree that a token gift is all you need to do.

If he's not going to bother his arse about you, then you shouldn't feel the need to do any more than just a token for him. And maybe you could send your sister a similar token, to be "fair" - and then if your parents berate you in any way, you can say that you DID try, yet again.

Does suck, this whole family fall out stuff - sorry you're having to put up with it. :(

[notrocketscience]

YANBU. He is biologically related to you but not a brother in any meaningful way. Is he a good uncle or just a selfish tw*t? Cut your losses and dis-engage, there is nothing to salvage with him. Same with your sister and to some extent your parents. Sounds like you have been cast as the strong one who should put her own needs second to the "sensitive" ones.

FWIW you sound bloody awesome op. FIVE children, a job and college? High five to you. X

[PollyPerky]

I'd not give him any present at all. If he doesn't buy for you and doesn't give you a card, why bother?

if he 'creates' over it, I'd suggest you remind him of how he's ignored you when you were ill and the fact he doesn't buy gifts for you.

Sorry but you and your parents ( especially the parents) are colluding in softening the impact of his behaviour.

Clearly, being 35, living at home, not working much, he's been over indulged and not exactly living in the 'real world'.

Having a son of 30 myself, I cannot begin to understand where your parents are coming from by putting up with his behaviour. Fair enough if he couldn't begin to afford to rent a flat, but then I'd expect him to have a proper job and pay his way at home.

In all honesty I think you ought to challenge your parents on this and explain how their behaviour has made him as he is, and the impact on you.

[namechange102]

Agree with S1lent ^^.
I don't quite understand how it has gotten to this stage with regard to your brother and his strange (selfish?) behaviour though. Has he ever gifted your children, or made any other efforts with your family/children? If your parents are happy in the relationship they have with him, fine, but I don't think I would have been as kind as you have all these years with no reciprocation or explanation! You are a much nicer person than me.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Why would loving parents deliberately make one of their children so dependant on them that he cannot even cook a meal for himself? I would go so far as to say that is abusive.

Francis mentioned this man behaving like a 16-year-old - well, frankly at 16 all of my children could have been left alone in the house for 2 hours minimum, and could have made themselves a meal if necessary. This man is more like a pre-teen.

I think it is a parent's job to make sure their children can function and thrive independently.

Rabbit - it is clear that this situation is heartbreaking for you, and my heart goes out to you. I don't think it would be at all unreasonable for you to give your brother either no gift at all, or the most basic, impersonal gift (as another poster said, socks and chocs).

[YouTheCat]

Same, Flappy. She's very good at gifts and very thoughtful too.

[rabbit12345]

Empress, My sisters issue is that I did not call her DS on the day that he went to uni. I visited him the week prior with a really thoughtful gift (a gift survival package containing everything from emergency alcohol to flip flops and screwdrivers and a personalised letter joking why he would need them (got the idea from MN) and then I text him a few days before he went to wish him well. She couldn't get past the fact that I hadn't text him on the day saying it was expected of me. My DB didn't text either but that is ok with her as he never does.

So I guess this explains why I feel the way I do about doing what is expected of me and then being attacked when I do not live up to those expectations.

I agree totally with what you have all said about my DB and parents. I used to complain to my parents and would fall out often with my Brother about it. I literally went blue in the face to the point of resuscitation. My parents saw it as a personal attack on my brother when all I was trying to say was that they were not doing him any favours and he in turn is taking the piss! Like SDT I actually see it as abusive.

[rabbit12345]

SDT he can cook. He will just happily sit there until someone else feeds him and my parents play up to this.

I saw on FB that he had cooked a friend a pudding and she had gone on to say how delicious it was and he was saying he could make this and that!

I Think I realised then that he was capable of being considerate and he clearly takes family for granted.

[happychristmaspoobum]

rabbit the more you post, the more it is clear that you have been set up to be the family scapegoat.

You are supposed to be the good girl who does everything and if you fail, even if its an unreasonable or invisible expectation, you are shut out and out in your place.

Has this been going on your whole life? Your parents have fucked you all up from the sounds of it

[mmchocolate]

Scooby20

Why is it always one of the first questions people ask when someone displays selfish behaviour?

I have noticed that it always seems to be the go to explanation for any behaviour now.

[Confusednotcom]

If you saw your family in s fim what would you advise yourself to do? I would back right off from everyone and focus on the good things in your life, presumably DC job and college. Your DSis is being hugely unreasonable and I think you should tell her so, nicely but firmly. Point out all the good stuff you've done, say she's being out of order to take issue with you and she should apologise IMO. Brother sounds like a lost cause and if your parents want to coddle him at the expense of seeing you it's their loss. Keep clear boundaries.

[Confusednotcom]

You could always ring your nephew to check how he's settling, hopefully you can still have a good relationship with him

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

I am being assessed for aspergers and I am very thoughtful, too much as when I don't get the same back from my siblings, I don't understand why they don't care (or don't show it).

I stopped buying one of my sister's years ago. She shows up once a year with my dad, eats our good, sits on her phone hungover, ignored my DCs, doesn't get them so much as some sweets then leaves again until the next year. I don't give a crap if my dad doesn't like that I make no effort with her, she is selfish and I stopped bothering after years of doing stuff with her as a child and teen and she turned around and told me I never did anything for her. I didn't realise I was obliged plus that as crap, I always did. I refused to again and it for worse from that on. I don't want her here for Christmas but she invites herself with our dad and it is expected she is welcome when she isn't really. Just because a happen to share some blood, doesn't mean that arenice people and I am happy to cut people off based on the fact that if we weren't related, i'd have nothing to go with them.and I also won't be made to feel badby family members that favour this relative either (out dad, he would say he doesn't by he really does).

[Brewdolf]

I remember your other post rabbit. It seemed ridiculous at the time and even more so now she's cut you off. You should enjoy the peace .

There's that expression, you don't give to receive. You seem like the sort of person who wouldn't feel good not giving, so the box of chocolates/minimum effort thing seems best for you.

It seems like your DPs are the ones at the root of this, and like happy says you've been set up to be the scapegoat. Everything is ok as long as you all fulfill your allotted roles. You fell out of character temporarily and that's send shockwaves. But that arrangement isn't healthy. Take care of yourself and your DC above anyone else.

[namechange102]

Sorry OP, but your family sound a bit dysfunctional. Can't believe your d's got the hump over a text! Disown the lot of them for your own peace of mind!

[ollieplimsoles]

The more updates I read the more awful they sound...

[Love51]

The present thing with DB - does he get for your kids? My kids child free aunts and uncles get presents for them, but not for me and dh, we get for the aunts and uncles. Convention we have established is that if/when they have kids we will stop getting for them and start getting for the kids (I know its not for everyone, but a few of us had babies /acquired step kids all at the same time, and present buying escalated). Or do your mum and dad stick his name on their present? (which would grate with me!) If he does nothing at all in the way of present, they can't call you out on not getting him one without huge hypocrisy! Surely they would realise!

[CauliflowerSqueeze]

Would you like the relationship back with your sister?

[Love51]

Is your sister really upset about the phone thing, or is it a front? I cant imagine dns uni experience being marred by lack of a call from his aunt!

[rabbit12345]

Cauli, I have done all I feel able to in trying to resolve it with her but my door is always open Without condition.

[rabbit12345]

Love, that was the start. It has escalated from there and now DSIS has a list as long as her arm. When I found out that she was hurt by this, I apologised only for her to have another reason and then another. In the end I said that I would do whatever I could to ensure our next meeting went well to which she replied "fine but if your DH thinks he can........." I realised then that I had to leave her to it.